planomaid
Posts: 77
Joined: 10/4/2004
Status: offline
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First off, I want to say Thank you to all who have posted. Whether you posted an eloquent and well thought-out reply, or if you replied with a 1-2 line non-sequitur, input and opinions are appreciated (though I hope you aren't offended if some are routed to the bit-bucket..:)
There's lots of questions out there, some directly to me, and others in response to postings, so I will do the best that I can to respond.
The original post was meant to be addressed to, well, civility and reality within a BDSM relationship. Yes, I fully acknowledge that for some humiliation play is extremely erotic, desired, and sought after. My post wasn't really meant for those individuals or that area. Before I go further, I should also explain the nature of the post. I identify as being submissive, so my question was oriented around that mindset. And yes, I will also acknowledge that for every poor dominant out there, there is probably an equally poor submissive. Some may argue the ratio, but for the sake of this argument lets keep it at a 1-to-1 relationship. Now, back to the rest of the story (sorry Mr. Harvey!). I was asking about someone who identifies as a dominant as a way to prey upon the unsuspecting. These people are (hopefully) shunned by the community because they give all of us a bad name. They are the ones who lure people into bad situations, and some even have lured people to their death.
I also asked about loving the person you wish to do this with. I see no real reason why you cannot love and cherish that which you also beat and fuck - so long as its consensual, safe, and causes no long-term side effects. Lets face it, we are all people (at least I assume there are no beasts, aliens or sentient machinery reading and/or commenting here... but sometimes you have to watch out for those toasters, they are sneaky!), and people are fallible. (gasp!) Yes, that's right! Dominants and submissives can make mistakes. The goal, I would hope, is that the mistakes that will be made are recoverable, and serve also as a example of what not to do again in the future. So in this instance, the person you are doing these things with is someone with whom you can do it again in the future (and someone who wished to have done to them again as well!). I specifically called out a "disposable submissive" to address the point of caring for your submissive. In my 20+ years of involvement in the BDSM community I've met some great people and done some pretty wonderful things. I've also seen the downside of the lifestyle too. That is why I asked what would drive a dominant person to treat someone like shit. Since the dominant is the one that is usually in charge, the question was asked from that perspective.
I then asked about what would drive a person to do that. Obviously if one is not that kind of person, only speculation is possible. I have speculated myself, and listed some of my reasoning. I asked for speculation, thoughts and opinions from others.
I then segued into the sexualization of humiliation, and in general BDSM. I would have to say that from what I have seen, most people freely mix sex with submission. Not all, but it seems to be a whole heck of a lot. I happen to know a female slave who serves a gay male master. It's all about service for her and him, and there is no sex involved. Not necessarily everyone's cup of tea, but it is an example of what I was talking about. But, unfortunately, lots of people seem to be looking for sexual release, and a lot of those seem to be of my own gender. I'm not saying its wrong, but its not what I think of how things should be.
I then moved into talking about my own personal preferences, and how I thoroughly enjoyed the Southern traditions of male/female interactions.
I probably wasn't clear enough on my explanation when I said "And while there is certainly a portion who are neither and truly get off on humiliating others, I am hoping that they are a distinct minority". I meant for that to be addressed to those people who enjoy inflicting pain and suffering on others not because their victim enjoys it (or even fully consents to it), but because they get off on others suffering for their own amusement or purpose. I personally think they are really no better than say people like Pol Pot or Joseph Mengele. Yeah, pretty heavy company there, but I really dislike those kinds of people and I tend to avoid interacting with them as much as possible.
I finally stated that I would be interested in hearing from others and how they though and felt. Obviously I certainly got my wish with that last part! :)
The questions I posed were formulated and based upon my own personal exposure to the BDSM community. Notice that I said "personal". I've already said that my viewpoint was slanted from the submissive perspective. Some of the replies posted seem to have missed that. Perhaps I was not obvious enough for them. If that was the case, I do apologize. For those that answered the questions with your own views or asked for follow up questions, bravo! Communication and understanding are two key factors in having a healthy and fulfilling lifestyle relationship. It doesn't matter if the relationship lasts a few hours or a lifetime. I've yet to meet a mind reader, so if you don't give feedback, you run the risk of missing out on more good things and/or having things you don't like done to you.
Oh, just to be clear, the preceeding is based on my personal opinions and observations. Yours may vary from mine. Viva la difference!
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RE: Humiliation and the Insecure Dominant? - 
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Well said!!!!!!!!!
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