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RE: Insecure sub - 12/27/2013 7:00:29 PM

littlewonder

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Ask yourself this...if this was a "vanilla" woman, would it be normal? Would a relationship with you work out? It's no different. Drill that into your brain.

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RE: Insecure sub - 12/27/2013 7:02:14 PM

littlewonder

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Phaness

Yes, I do love her, and she was everything I could ever imagine I would want. She left though. I guess I was just wondering if I should or could do something or forget about her.
And I was also wondering if, since she is/was a sub/slave, her mindset would be different than in a vanilla situation.

No it wouldn't be any different. Why would it?

And if she's gone, then maybe you should move on too. Obviously she has.

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RE: Insecure sub - 12/28/2013 5:00:02 AM

Phaness

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phaness

Yes, I do love her, and she was everything I could ever imagine I would want. She left though. I guess I was just wondering if I should or could do something or forget about her.
And I was also wondering if, since she is/was a sub/slave, her mindset would be different than in a vanilla situation.

No it wouldn't be any different. Why would it?

And if she's gone, then maybe you should move on too. Obviously she has.

If it was that obvious I wouldn't be inquiring about it. But ye...

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RE: Insecure sub - 12/28/2013 6:13:54 AM

TieMeInKnottss

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quote:

ORIGINAL:

As a word of advice: don't try to fix something with kink that can only be fixed with therapy --

My new favorite saying

< Message edited by TieMeInKnottss -- 12/28/2013 6:14:18 AM >

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RE: Insecure sub - 12/28/2013 9:45:49 PM

littlewonder

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Phaness

If it was that obvious I wouldn't be inquiring about it. But ye...

It IS that obvious. You just don't want to confront it. You're still hanging on to something that is no longer there.

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RE: Insecure sub - 12/29/2013 3:15:58 AM

Greta75

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Well... are you hot? A lot of guys will put up with anything if she looks good in a thong.

Do you really believe in this? I think a woman only looks beautiful until he gets to see so much of her, he eventually gets immune to her looks and does not get the same buzz anymore like the first time he laid eyes on her.

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RE: Insecure sub - 12/29/2013 4:12:01 AM

Greta75

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To answer the OP, I think the only dangerous part about having low-esteem is, you might become an easy victim for unscrupulous doms. Instead of being a positive influence on you to help improve that self-esteem, they can easily abuse it and use it against you to control you, as a low self-esteem person is very needy and insecure and easier to control and manipulate.

So, with the right dom, it could work, but end of the day, it's the same with a vanilla dude, except depending on your kinks in BDSM, I think if the dom used your self-esteem against you and make you bend to please him, you would hate yourself more and more and end up lower than when you started.

I answered thinking you are a female sub, but it seems you are a male dom, then, you are taking a huge responsibility in your hands. I know people are responsible for how they feel about themselves, but fact of the matter is, people do influence people. That's why parents can have a huge impact on a child's esteem.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 12/29/2013 4:16:56 AM >

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RE: Insecure sub - 12/29/2013 8:04:26 AM

Greta75

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

"workable" if you can eventually install a new system of self image i. e. she sees herself through your eyes and sets her self worth based on your value of her.

Yup, that would really help and change her world. Anyway, if it's a love based relationship, this can't be too much work.

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RE: Insecure sub - 12/29/2013 8:40:28 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
Well... are you hot? A lot of guys will put up with anything if she looks good in a thong.

Do you really believe in this? I think a woman only looks beautiful until he gets to see so much of her, he eventually gets immune to her looks and does not get the same buzz anymore like the first time he laid eyes on her.

It depends on the man. It's not my decision-making process, but there are definitely men who achieve self-worth through how pretty their girlfriend or wife is. Kind of the flip side of "Friends don't let drunk friends take home fat chicks."

The OP wasn't asking about the possibility of a healthy relationship though. He was just asking if it was possible to make a relationship happen. And my answer is, yeah sure, it is, but the relationship might suck.

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RE: Insecure sub - 12/29/2013 9:05:42 AM

BossyShoeBitch

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I'm curious to know more about why she left. How long they were together; what sorts of actual (not kink related) relationship issues they had; What their lives were like together, etc. I gather they lived together but don't want to assume.

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RE: Insecure sub - 12/29/2013 9:17:02 AM

Greta75

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
The OP wasn't asking about the possibility of a healthy relationship though. He was just asking if it was possible to make a relationship happen. And my answer is, yeah sure, it is, but the relationship might suck.

OP is not an experienced dom. I don't think his sub have low esteem, it may be, because his not an experience dom and unable to give her the "feelings of being controlled" that she desires and needs. As he said, he didn't command her, she just did it all voluntarily with no instructions from him, at some point, subs needs direction and some kind of feelings of being controlled. And if she was insecure, she would cling on to him and not leave. She was clearly secure enough to make a decision that she needed more dominance and secure enough to leave, because to leave tells me, she's able to see that she can find someone more suitable to her kinks. Insecure will cling on thinking that's the best she can ever have.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 12/29/2013 9:19:24 AM >

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RE: Insecure sub - 12/29/2013 9:31:54 AM

windchymes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Well... are you hot? A lot of guys will put up with anything if she looks good in a thong.

quote:

Do you really believe in this?

Absolutely. You could maybe add the qualifier "almost" anything.

quote:

I think a woman only looks beautiful until he gets to see so much of her, he eventually gets immune to her looks and does not get the same buzz anymore like the first time he laid eyes on her.

It doesn't matter. It's not all about sex, it's also the ego boost of having this hot chick on his arm and getting to take her home. He may get immune to her looks, but that has to take YEARS, if ever, if she keeps looking hot. (I could be wrong about this, I'm not a guy, but I've seen it, lol) He may not keep the same buzz level, but it's still a buzz. :)

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RE: Insecure sub - 12/29/2013 9:35:34 AM

Phaness

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch

I'm curious to know more about why she left. How long they were together; what sorts of actual (not kink related) relationship issues they had; What their lives were like together, etc. I gather they lived together but don't want to assume.

Well, I appreciate your curiousity. However I am not willing to put that kind of information on a public forum.

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RE: Insecure sub - 12/29/2013 9:47:24 AM

Phaness

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
The OP wasn't asking about the possibility of a healthy relationship though. He was just asking if it was possible to make a relationship happen. And my answer is, yeah sure, it is, but the relationship might suck.

OP is not an experienced dom. I don't think his sub have low esteem, it may be, because his not an experience dom and unable to give her the "feelings of being controlled" that she desires and needs. As he said, he didn't command her, she just did it all voluntarily with no instructions from him, at some point, subs needs direction and some kind of feelings of being controlled. And if she was insecure, she would cling on to him and not leave. She was clearly secure enough to make a decision that she needed more dominance and secure enough to leave, because to leave tells me, she's able to see that she can find someone more suitable to her kinks. Insecure will cling on thinking that's the best she can ever have.

I think you're assuming alot here. We never got together or started out as D/s, just as vanilla with me knowing her history and her thinking I was pretty much vanilla. The clinging was there from even before we met untill some 3 weeks before she left. And at some point early on in the relationship she stated that she 'didnt think she needed all that when she was properly loved', referring to the kink.

I really don't want to elaborate too much about someones personal life here, but I know her history, and her past relationships and such. The way she thinks and feels about things. How she respponds to 'normal' events that occur in ones life. It's insecure. I just thought it wouldn't become a problem between her and me.

Insecure people don't keep on clinging. In general at the start they see you as a source for their happiness, in the end they see you as the source of their misery.

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RE: Insecure sub - 12/29/2013 9:49:48 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Phaness
Well, I appreciate your curiousity. However I am not willing to put that kind of information on a public forum.

I never do that either. But I also have never posted a question asking for relationship advice. It's a bit baffling to me how you can expect to get useful answers if you provide no information. But hey. Self-limiting behavior might have been part of the reason she left.

Also, I agree with Greta that if you never gave her any commands, you blew it. You only wrote about things she did for you, and how she made you feel. You didn't say anything about what you gave to her.

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RE: Insecure sub - 12/29/2013 10:16:18 AM

Greta75

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Phaness
Insecure people don't keep on clinging. In general at the start they see you as a source for their happiness, in the end they see you as the source of their misery.

To me, if she can move away from you, she's definitely not insecure.
And you have confirmed exactly what I said, that you aren't a experience dom. It started as vanilla and you weren't even expecting to dom. It's not a criticism, just stating facts. Everyone has to start somewhere and bumble their way through. So she's your first learning experience and I personally feel you wrongly deduce it as low esteemed, because you don't 100% understand what a sub woman needs yet, and in a way, it's a bit different from a vanilla woman, because sub women needs to feel controlled. And her submissive actions even during vanilla stage may be misconstrued as low esteem.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 12/29/2013 10:19:11 AM >

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RE: Insecure sub - 8/2/2015 9:30:46 AM

Bi2GaySub

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I know of a site that is related to male self-esteem. I feel it explains why the male self esteem is the way it is and how difficult it is to overcome engrained stigmas of what it is to be a man who has mastered unwanted sexual experiences. Please let me know what you think about the read.
1in6.org

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RE: Insecure sub - 8/5/2015 12:14:19 PM

IcarusBurning

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I am not sure why relationship and low-self esteem are connected. Well, they are I guess, but it depends on how mature you want to be in dealing with it.

On one hand you can get irritated and frustrated with the person. If thats your natural state, then no this is not going to work.

On the other, do you see yourself as a person who can stand beside someone despite being her dominant, who knows when to loom over her and when to kneel beside her, when to punish her and when to hold her in your arms and tell her that she is precious and no matter what anyone says, she will always be special to you?

If that guy's you, you might be able to work wonders just with a person like that.

On cue "You Raise Me Up" - Chloe Agnew, Celtic Woman.

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RE: Insecure sub - 8/13/2015 10:40:59 AM

redhotbroad

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Just a thought but a good therapist would be a good place to start before looking for a Dom to get a handle on one's insecurities.

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RE: Insecure sub - 8/14/2015 12:40:54 PM

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