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RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 1:31:37 PM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline
quote:

Maybe I will just lie (as was suggested). It seems to be such a huge deal for some folks - and they have a right to want what they want - they really do - no argument there. I could always be the one doing the approaching (I have no problem with that, when I decide to seek a partner).


Personlly, I think that's not such a good idea.  For me, I would rather get to know someone and work out any switching issues that may arise but want to know there may be some up front.  If I like the person and we have a solid relationship, I would not mind the other person going outside the relationship from time to time.  There can be compromise.  I completely agree with the assessment that it is more of an issue in mono relationships than in poly.

Your questions that were posed were why some might have a problem with it and you received a lot of good answers.  BUT...that does not mean you can not find a situation where everyone is happy and you get to do what you need to do.  If you are a switch then go for it.  Good luck :) But I definitely think that even if you have a harder time finding partners that it is worth it to be honest.  Just my opinion :)

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 1:32:43 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		To RavenMuse: Well, yes. Someone Dominant isn't going to make me feel "Switchy", I'd imagine - they'd just bring out a submissive side all the more...that was very helpful to hear. Also that is hasn't been a huge problem for you.
Thank you.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 1:37:31 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I am hoping Switches answer, too (and I know one did).
I do think they are often misunderstood - and think it is sad I consider lying about  my orientation one of my options (not that it will work now anyway)...Considering what one person just stated - couldn't almost anyone (inside, even if they don't act on it) be considered a Switch? I know the important thing is what they actually do - but still, I don't see the rea; problem people have with Switches. But am still really wanting to hear why people have issues (I really am, honestly).

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/5/2006 2:17:56 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to WyrdRich)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 1:42:10 PM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		I think there are a lot of subs/slaves that maybe feel the same way you do.. I being one of them. 
 
I don't think I could ever top my Sir..but I was not opposed to having a sub male.. or even a switch one that I would be able to Domme.  I think (just for me personally) to be both the sub and Domme to my Sir..it just wouldn't work for me.  I would feel like I was in the Abbott and Constello thing.. who's turn is in now? (very strange that was mentioned above..because I was just saying that very routine to my roommate the other day about this very subject).  Most of the time.. I feel quite submissive but there is the rare occasion where I feel more Dominant.  I am not sure why this is, but maybe it's just a case of getting out of the routine once in a while.. or being able to show that side of me .. whereas in my M/s relationship it must always be kept at bay.
 
I have quit trying to put myself into a category.  If I had to it would be a bisexual/sub/slave/Dom/somewhat poly type of chick..and that is just way too much to write out all the time.
 
                 Do what feels right for you and screw the rest.
 
                                            Respectfully, andrea

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to WyrdRich)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 1:47:01 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I appreciate hearing that. Thanks.

Sidenote to whoever: I am not looking for people to not tell their honest feelings, or am not on a publicity campaign to increase understanding of Switches (really) but it occurred to me that if I list myself as one, there are, in reality, a lot of people who might not even consider contacting me when the time comes - and that gave me some pause,  I must say.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MsKatHouston)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 1:53:10 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Good point. There used to be a person around here who doesn't frequent these boards much anymore (Shade Diva) and also I think Sensualips, who classify themselves as: Poly - Bi - Domme- Switch -I forget but they list about a hundred adjectives.... and I am not sure if they are serious, or not - but listing it all makes a good point, regardless.

I am new at all this - and do feel I am "mostly" (for now) submissive, but have enough 1) potential reason and 2) desire, probably, to try perhaps Switching. I just don't want it to end my potential social life (and I do not consider myself "shallow" that way, I consider myself "concerned w/my own future welfare").

- Susan  

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/5/2006 1:56:44 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 1:55:41 PM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		Think of it this way

How many people are not contacting you now because you are listed as submissive only?  People search based on their preferences and you may be more likely to get a suitable partner if you make the...switch

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 1:56:18 PM   
WyrdRich


Posts: 1733
Joined: 1/3/2005
Status: offline 		        I actually had this same question about how to identify not so long ago.  My suggestion would be to list your profile as a sub and then quickly state that you are interested in switching.  There are enough lies in the world already.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 1:56:27 PM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline 		Remember that the selective parts of the search function only bring up one role orientation,unless "all" is chosen.

< Message edited by Caretakr -- 7/5/2006 1:57:16 PM >

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 1:58:10 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		That's true, I am cutting some folks out of my life now, probably, by just listing submissive. Good advice. I am going to go do that - now. 

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/5/2006 2:00:14 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MsKatHouston)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 2:06:37 PM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
Sidenote to whoever: I am not looking for people to not tell their honest feelings, or am not on a publicity campaign to increase understanding of Switches (really) but it occurred to me that if I list myself as one, there are, in reality, a lot of people who might not even consider contacting me when the time comes - and that gave me some pause,  I must say.


Sweetie, no matter what you put about yourself in profile or mail or MSN or whatever you will be ruleing some out whilst only posibly making others more interested. Dying your hair from blonde to brunette, gaining 20 pounds, loosing 20 pounds.... all potentialy alter who may or may not be interested.

Bottom line, the one or more it might work with will be those who deal with and start to trust YOU as a person...... why jepourdise the possibility of that happening by lying about what you are. If you look inside and honestly see yourself as switch, be honest about it.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 2:06:39 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I just changed what I state in my profile - so I guess I am "out of the closet" , hehe.
But I still like hearing the reasons people are skittish about Switches. Thanks to all who wrote in (or will write in).

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Caretakr)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 2:10:30 PM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Caretakr
Remember that the selective parts of the search function only bring up one role orientation,unless "all" is chosen.


An for those like myself for whom switches aren't a problem, it is easy enough to select all on orientation and "Dominant Men" on "they are seeking".... it brings up the occassional, seemingly confused Domme, but otherwise works just fine, and brings up slaves, subs and switches :)


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Caretakr)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 2:13:18 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I said I identify primarily as a submissive, but am interested in (potentially) Switching. That (for now) is the truth. Better than lying - although  I am sure it will cut out some people from any future potential pool of partners, probably.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 2:17:32 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO
I have no experience being a Switch - so I am just postulating. But  - I can't see myself saying to a committed submissive: "Hey, I really want you to spank me now", knowing they are just not into it, or insisting I get my "needs met" knowing that is not something they really want to do (ever). Ditto for being with a Dominant.


I am curious how you define switch, top and bottom.  In my opinion, you do not have to be dominant to top someone in play and it isn't only submissives who are bottoms.  Just because someone wants to get spanked doesn't make them submissive in their relationship.  Are you listing yourself as a switch because you want to be both top and bottom or because you want to be both dominant and submissive in your relationship(s)?

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 2:20:38 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well that is an excellent point kyra - and one I hadn't thought of. I am very, very glad you brought that up. Right now, if I switched, I'd consider myself a Top - but only because I have no experience - not because I have no "Domme" feelings (I can imagine myself having them - and some submissives don't or can't do that).
Excellent point!

I guess I've beeen attracted to an occasional submissive male and thought me being submissive might be a problem for them (God - listen to me - of course it would be a problem for them). So I tried to imagine Switching - and actually it wasn't as hard to imagine as I'd thought. Which made me then wonder what I really am, etc....

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/5/2006 2:38:57 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 2:37:20 PM   
MistressTheaZ


Posts: 155
Joined: 7/17/2005
Status: offline 		(fast reply)

JMO...please don't take offense where none is intended.

I avoided switch males because I found they often weren't switches at all. I disliked how, the majority of the time, their motivations were mostly to push sexual contact within scene outside of any mutual respect or shared connection with the female partner. I often thought that these types called themselves 'switches' to avoid an immediate delete by approaching as a Dom or a similarly rapid dismissal by approaching poorly disguised as a sub. Switch gave them the room to express their desires while pretending to listen to yours - the foot in the door. Beyond the fact that submission does not come easily to Me anyhow, I found it distasteful at best to think about playing with those with such transparent alterior motives.

That said, years pass, people grow, and there are always exceptions to the rule. I found a place within where I have evolved from a Sadistic Dominant to a primarily Dominant female with sadomasochist roots. My current and favorite play partner is a switch, and I knew this about him from the jump. However, drawing from similar sadomasochistic leanings and interests, coupled with trust and openness to share ideas....it works, and works nicely. Now, the likelihood of Me bending a knee to someone else? Slim to none.

Best,

~Thea

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 2:40:18 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Susan,
'Switches' "untouchable"?! I not only respect switches I envy them! The ideal sexuality would seem to me to be a bi-sexual switch. Why? For the exact reason you cite. "Double the fun!" Hell - triple it; quad it, quint it too for that matter! I don't know about getting more stuff at conventions, but it should open you up to more party invitations. No matter what the mix, if there is an odd number of people coming, you'll be the person to call to make the numbers even out.

You are making a "commitment". You are committing to switch.

Seeking a relationship may be more problematic; but I don't think it would be more so just because that is how you identify yourself.

The problem I see with the image of switches is that they are perceived as opportunists. They also have their sincerity questioned more often. But I think that is a matter of disclosure and honesty. If you go to a function or any opportunity to meet others do you answer the question; "which side of the flogger are you?"; with the question; "what are you seeking?"; or do you answer directly; "I identify myself as a switch."? Answer directly and honestly and being a switch isn't put in any bad light. Change your answer contingent upon it being compatible for a play opportunity and you just committed the "crime" that switches are most often accused - a sensation seeker.

Be happy and enjoy your decision. Be honest and you'll never have to worry about the perception of others, or even care what that perception is. Have FUN - Good Luck!

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 2:43:32 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you, Mercnbeth - I always appreciate what you write. That is encouraging to hear.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Switching and Social Death - 7/5/2006 2:54:44 PM   
NakedOnMyChain


Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: scratchingpost

I used to say bisexual switches are just really confused people


I'm not confused, I'm just a hedonist.  I find pleasure in boys and girls, topping and bottoming.  There's nothing confusing about that.

And now back to the OP...

I think we switches threaten the security of some dominants and submissives.  Their comfort zone is threatened when they let the fear of a switch topping from the bottom or even bottoming from the top (yes, it happens) creep in.  Ultimately, we are able to be in a committed relationship that involves one or the other, but the fear/discomfort is still there for those potential partners.  Trust needs to be built in order for a switch to have a solid relationship with one who is not a switch.

And hey, I like girls better than I like boys on a general basis.  I like topping and bottoming.  I met, fell in love with and married a 'nilla man (who fortunately was interested in the lifestyle).  I'm fully monogamous and couldn't be happier with my choice, switch and bi as I am. 

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to scratchingpost)
Profile   Post #: 40
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