RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant?

RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (Full Version)

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littlewonder -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/2/2014 9:25:54 PM)
I didn't say all. I said lots, especially those men who exude confidence which most women find highly, highly sexy and because we don't meet many men who have that kind of confidence, when it does happen we're shocked and usually have no idea how to react except to hope you don't blow it by slobbering all over yourself. [:D]

ARIES83 -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/2/2014 9:29:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 This one is intended for any male (or female) doms who might be asking themselves right now, "How the hell do I project dominant energy on a first date?" I think a phrase like "dominant energy" is woo-woo, frankly, and it's possible to get better at coming across that way by taking simple, concrete steps. What seems to be at the core of what the women have been saying on this thread is: Don't be afraid of being rejected. Don't base your self-acceptance and self-understanding on whether she likes you, at all. This is easier said than done, but I consider it to be the most important dating skill I possess. You can gain the skill through sales, for example: once you've heard "no" thousands of times, you realize it isn't the end of the world, and a rejection isn't a personal rejection. You're still the same person after the No that you were before. Similarly, a woman's acceptance or rejection doesn't define you either. In short, you don't need her approval. You choose to obtain it, so you aren't being rapey, but you're obtaining her approval from a position of strength. She controls how fast things move, but she doesn't control you. Hopefully that helps somebody. RedMagic1, I really like the sentiment of your posts, you've inspired me to add a bit of my perspective. I like doing things on my terms, especially relationship-wise , I'm stubborn in that regard. I'm nothing special... Not in looks or even accomplishments... But I do for some reason have a lot of self respect. It may be this which, (perhaps rather arrogantly) makes me unwilling in most cases to stoop below what I feel to be respectable behaviour for me. Or to suffer a situation which I feel compromises me in some way. Detour* (I was raised by a single mum, with no real father figures... As the oldest I had all the attention for most of my childhood and I pretty much had free reign to do whatever, and go wherever I wanted, as long as mum always knew where I was and what I was doing. I don't think I'm particularly emasculated by being raised by a woman haha. But it may very well account for some of the character traits I describe throughout this post. Kana, I think rather than emasculation as a result of "being raised women". (Fairly sure that you didn't mean it literally but none the less.) I think emasculation may be a symptom of much more complex societal issues than female influences...) Anyway, getting back towards my original jaunt. (if I've analysed myself properly) It's that combo of stubbornness, self-respect and sense of entitlement, that mean... I would rather go without sex than have to suck up, beg, strive to please or cajole it out of someone. I will walk away from relationships and friendships if I feel they are compromising my integrity and are putting me in situations where I feel I have to hide who I am or act in a way I'm not happy with. I find the sense of gender entitlement that some woman appear to have. Extremely Unattractive. (Hypocritical? Very likely...) Sure there are a LOT of guys that will do anything for the pussy, and sure enough that may make you a valuable commodity... TO THEM Your sexuality holds now power over me. And I'm not a slave to mine. (Don't get me wrong I luv the pussy! But I won't compromise myself because of it...) As for my Dominant energy... I actually don't know if there would be anything overtly noticeable, I'm not on an Alpha male kick, or even particularly "Socially Dominant" whatever that is... (I'm assuming its another way of saying Alpha male.) I'm more like.. socially normal. Just a normally confidant, normally acting guy who isn't really phased by to much. I will almost guarantee tho... I do not give off the impression that I'm asking for approval in anything I do.

crazyml -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/2/2014 9:40:07 PM)
I suppose it all hinges on what a frikken "Alpha Male" is. I think there are lots of Betas (or Gammas or whatevers) that exhibit behaviours that they think are "Alpha Male" behaviours. While my definition of Alpha male is kinda covered by a couple of things you mention... Self Respect, Principles, Integrity, not being desperate for "approval" My definition is probably wrong, and may even be subconsciously self-serving, but I sit in rooms all the times with Alpha Wannabees, and when they've finished making sure everyone knows how big their dicks are, the little tossers end up doing what the real alpha in the room quietly suggests they do. I'm not saying that the "real alpha" in the room is me mind you, but sometimes it sure as fuck is.

sexyred1 -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/2/2014 9:49:56 PM)
That's what I said before. It is not the loud arrogant guy who can give off the best dominant vibe. Sometimes, it's the quieter guy who shows restraint and finesse when fist meting that interests me the most. I laugh at pushy Doms. Oh, I could tell you stories of non-hesitant dudes who I walked out on. But I may be different, I am not looking for how Dominant someone is first, I only look to see how I feel with someone on other levels.

Kana -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/3/2014 3:47:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crazyml quote: ORIGINAL: Kana Well,not to start shit or anything, but what do you expect from a culture that has over the past fifty years,essentially emasculated men? You don't strike me as a particularly emasculated man... Yeah, but I'm an old man who went to the Old School. Besides which, I was born a contrary oppositional anarchist-if the whole world walks one way, you can bet your bippy you'll find me heading in the opposite direction.

angelikaJ -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/3/2014 7:39:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff God! Thank you Kana!! I'm soooo glad you understand what I'm talking about! A few years ago, I went to a Dungeon party for un partnered subs/slaves. Everyone else was to dress in black. We were dressed in red. It was great fun. I was approached by a very tall(I'm a sucker for tall) gentlemen who seemed very intent on wooing me. We had a great night, a little play, and some of my "subbie spidey senses" were starting to tingle. I did something I NEVER usually do. I took him home. Well. By the time I was nakey, I was getting a bit of a let down. When he asked for the FOURTH time "are you alright?" I was done.. That orgasm marched into the closet, never to return that night. We HAD negotiated and discussed limits. He knew what was okay. He just didn't have the courage to TAKE it. ~ sigh~. Lesson learned about moving too quickly. There is another side to this and I haven't read all the posts so it may have already been addressed. There are plenty of anecdotes here and elsewhere about encounters that left the submissive party having all kinds of post activity doubts. The person hit too hard, the person injured them, the person crossed a limit (which upon questioning they usually never specified)... the person was too aggressive and was this assault or even rape. So, if a guy is being overly cautious, I can't say as I blame them. They may be treating you with kid gloves because past experience has taught them it is unwise not to. Especially on a first time encounter when you really don't know each other at all yet.

DesFIP -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/3/2014 9:48:55 AM)
My confusion on this discussion is that men are expected to give off dominant energy yet at the same time not try to dominate their date. I don't think that's really doable. The other thing is that even the most domly type out there, doesn't exude that energy unless with someone who is exuding submissive energy. They may try to dom someone else's sub, which is wrong, but they're responding to that energy. If the woman is supposed to exude submissive energy, then what is he supposed to dominate? It's a dance, where you both have to feel it. Basically, if you're not acting like prey, don't expect him to act like a predator.

DaddySatyr -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/3/2014 10:14:25 AM)
I think it's ironic that when a submissive says their submission needs to be EARNED, everything's all sunshine and rainbows. Maybe a dominant feels what they offer is just as valuable?

pg4g -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/3/2014 11:58:23 AM)
Post deleted.

kalikshama -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/3/2014 12:39:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2 quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt I can either feel the dominant energy, or I can't. You can't manufacture it. Himself is a great example of someone who doesn't come across like the average dominant, b/c he's not. But spend a little time with him and you find a remarkable intelligence, a great sense of humor, and a deep confidence in who he is. I find that very yummy. It's the same on the other side of the kneel. I can feel the sub energy or I can't. I consider all this part of 'chemistry.' After reading this thread, I believe that what CP wrote above sums up what Blonderfluff is getting at in her post. Although many of you are judging her for looking for instant domination or instant "player" dynamic, I don't think that is what she is saying. I think all she wants to perceive from the man is the confirmation that his nature is dominant, not vanilla. I am with her on that. Certainly I would reject instant domination, non-consent, game-player behavior, but I want to be certain I'm not spending time exploring a potential relationship with a vanilla man. I've had many of those and I don't want any more. Maybe OP feels like that. This was my understanding of the OP as well.

ExiledTyrant -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/3/2014 5:01:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff But. 2nd date tomorrow with T ( I don't want to use His "name" until I ask Him..) A week of 4 hour phone calls followed by our first date last week. I was in shock when I met Him. And He couldn't stop smiling. We laugh. We flirt. I don't think any Dom in the history Domly Domness has ever fully tapped into my submissiveness so deeply and so quickly. I just want to curl up in His lap...and then go make Him a 4 course meal. Lol!! So far, the only drawback i see is that He can't stop smiling and laughing at me. Says I am adorable. Might be a problem if He can't keep a straight face when I step out of line....hehehehe. I will keep you all posted.... He has invited me out for tomorrow night.... ~doing a little happy subbie dance~~ Well, there she goes, feeling that delusional fantasy Dominant woowoo. Poor thing, it was probably just the burrito. Someone should set her strait, there is no Easter bunny, Santa clause, queen of England, or Dom woowoo. It's time to get out of fantasy land and put on the big girl panties. quote: ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff Okay. I hate to post this, but I will for closure. He was a very nice man. But not a match for me. Turns out he has a long-standing relationship with a married woman that is on-going. That is not something I want any part of. Added to that, he was not forthright from the beginning, and it's a deal-breaker for me. Back to the drawing board!!!! ~smiles~ I cannot imagine why she didn't just move in, kneel down, suck cock, and pay rent. After all, in the presence of a D, her limits, wants, and needs should've crumbled away with the intensity of the slave fire in her belly reducing her to that one primal instinctual need all women feel; serve the master! quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 quote: ORIGINAL: Blonderfluff If He doesn't give off that little buzz, hum of D energy, I am just not going to be interested in him. It's not a judgment thing. It's a chemistry thing!!! But from the evidence I have, which is posts you've written that I've read, you're not in a strong position here. Your Positive Experience thread ended with the guy treating you, and the relationship, in a way contrary to your ethics and hard limits. Again, why can't she grasp the Stepford /s thing and fall to her knees. Settling is good, I'm sure it's in the "one true way subbie handbook". quote: Yet here you are, talking about the great importance of first-meet-off-the-internet chemistry, and disagreeing with sub and switch women in successful long-term relationships when those women are trying to give you advice. Naturally since /s's come off an assembly line in "purveyor of dangerous but desirable behavior Inc. in FL", I don't know what the hell she's thinking. I'll lodge a complaint with RS about this shit... Faulty equipment is not good for business. quote: I think there's a pretty good chance that you are defending your right to use criteria to choose a Master for Tonight, even though you claim to be searching for a Master for Life. Try as I may, try as I might, I have no idea where the fuck this came from. She could've easily went home with Dom for the night Mr. T. She said she felt the very tangible D vibe from him, but he hit a HARD limit. Again, WTF were you thinking with that? quote: You do realize that Love at First Sight doesn't happen often, right? And that Kana, with whom you agreed so strongly, knew his sub literally for years as a friend only with "no" chemistry, before they decided to go for it? Do you think the classic suggestion "Friends First" is terrible advice? Clearly you weren't a fly on the wall for Kana and LW either. quote: Bottom line for me: you seem to be interested primarily in an experience where you are swept off your feet like a young girl having her first romantic and sexual experience. And what, pray tell, is wrong with that? quote: But a man with a history of monogamy -- -- Does not a rampant poon whore make. He can, could, would, and will date hundreds of women, ONE. AT. A. TIME. Learning and refining the partner he will be in a relationship and refining the partner he is seeking. He will have to unplug, crawl out of the basement, and get out there to do so, but that doesn't diminish nor impugn his monogamous nature. quote: say just one or two long term relationships in his life -- is going to have less practice dating than someone who has dated lots of women. Obviously eharmony isn't working out quite as well as advertised. Unplug, crawl out, and get out there. quote: So if you're hunting for one final life relationship, it might even be appropriate to see "got game" almost as a red flag, instead of something you need as a mandatory. Game had nothing to do with the OP or what she is looking for. She is looking for the natural (left handed) D that resonates with her on the terms that she can live with, without compromising her core values. I get pretty sick of of "the well read poser dominant" screaming, bitching, whining, and raising hell that because the /s has limits, ethics, values, and a razor sharp self awareness of what they can and cannot sign up for, they are fakes. I see our /boys and /girls often bending to the point of breaking because it is in their nature to please and serve. It's a rare, and prestigious, quality that a few of our Men and Women have to bend as well. YMMV Exiled

Greta75 -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/3/2014 5:10:53 PM)
I prefer hesitant dominants actually who are careful and checks with you if everything is okay.

KnightofMists -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/3/2014 5:18:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crazyml I suppose it all hinges on what a frikken "Alpha Male" is. I think there are lots of Betas (or Gammas or whatevers) that exhibit behaviours that they think are "Alpha Male" behaviours. While my definition of Alpha male is kinda covered by a couple of things you mention... Self Respect, Principles, Integrity, not being desperate for "approval" My definition is probably wrong, and may even be subconsciously self-serving, but I sit in rooms all the times with Alpha Wannabees, and when they've finished making sure everyone knows how big their dicks are, the little tossers end up doing what the real alpha in the room quietly suggests they do. I'm not saying that the "real alpha" in the room is me mind you, but sometimes it sure as fuck is. Self respect, principles, integrity, and let's say Self confidence.... This is an Alpha Male? So if they don't have that they are not alpha. Hell... Sounds like a person I wouldn't want anyone in my life that isn't alpha... But just isn't the case! To me those qualities are qualities of a person of character. Frankly to me a alpha person is just one that makes his own music and marches to it... The successful ones are joined by others... The unsuccessful ones are not.

crazyml -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/3/2014 5:27:04 PM)
Oh I don't disagree that those traits are primarily the qualities of a person of character. Although... I'd say that my "not being desperate for approval" is not that far from being someone who makes their own music. I suppose, sure, you could be an alpha w/o having character - Pol Pot was an alpha male, by all means. So I suppose I'd have to agree that you don't really need the other traits.

KnightofMists -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/3/2014 5:34:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crazyml Oh I don't disagree that those traits are primarily the qualities of a person of character. Although... I'd say that my "not being desperate for approval" is not that far from being someone who makes their own music. I suppose, sure, you could be an alpha w/o having character - Pol Pot was an alpha male, by all means. So I suppose I'd have to agree that you don't really need the other traits. I wouldn't say that self confidence is necessary to be an alpha male... But I would say its necessary to be a successful alpha male.

ARIES83 -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/3/2014 7:12:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP My confusion on this discussion is that men are expected to give off dominant energy yet at the same time not try to dominate their date. I don't think that's really doable. Hah! quote: The other thing is that even the most domly type out there, doesn't exude that energy unless with someone who is exuding submissive energy. They may try to dom someone else's sub, which is wrong, but they're responding to that energy. If the woman is supposed to exude submissive energy, then what is he supposed to dominate? It's a dance, where you both have to feel it. Basically, if you're not acting like prey, don't expect him to act like a predator. Nice work Des, you have nailed something pretty important here. It is a dance. Where both people feed of one another's energies. Although I don't really mind the onus being on me, to bring that submissive energy out of someone. I have found that initially even many submissive women will balk at a man assuming a dominant position over them at first and understandable so. However in my experience, this can be overcome quickly... It's basically a matter of winning them over... And it can be done through showing maturity, strength and intelligence. Enough to engender trust and respect. When that submissiveness does surface tho... I do get that predator/pray thing pretty hard, and it super sux when it's someone I shouldn't be praying on...[8D]

littlewonder -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/3/2014 7:52:57 PM)
I guess it's just me then but I don't like men who only have a dominant personality with that one woman he resonates with and vice versa. I'm a submissive personality. I'm not submissive with just that one man who resonates with me. I'm submissive personality with everyone because that is simply my personality. I just pretend to be anything else with others because I have to to survive in the world. I don't enjoy it one tiny bit. It's not me but I have to do it. I like men who are a dominant personality with everyone because that's his personality. He gives off that air with just about everyone. He takes the lead in life. He simply is a leader. That doesn't mean he's bossy. That doesn't mean he's arrogant. He just is leadership material. He talks and walks strong. When in a roomful of people he's most likely going to be the one to take over whatever the project is because he wants it done correctly and everyone else trusts him to get it done. And I think this is what blonderfluff is talking about. It's not a pretend bdsm thing. It's not something you turn off and on. You don't just say you are "Dom" because you like to whip someone in the bedroom. It's who you are. It's how you carry yourself and imo this is incredibly, incredibly, incredibly rare.

littlewonder -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/3/2014 8:07:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 You do realize that Love at First Sight doesn't happen often, right? And that Kana, with whom you agreed so strongly, knew his sub literally for years as a friend only with "no" chemistry, before they decided to go for it? Do you think the classic suggestion "Friends First" is terrible advice? Clearly you weren't a fly on the wall for Kana and LW either. Actually we weren't friends. We were just two people who just talked online for two years before we met because we were both bored and the only two people online. It was just chit chat bullshit back and forth with me basically answering him with two word sentences most of the time lol. I just really had no interest in him. I was just bored. The reason I agreed to meet him was because he asked me and I needed a vacation and figured why not...get a free coffee, meet him for 5 minutes, figuring I wouldn't like him like any other guy I met from online and then spend the rest of the weekend in town on my own just having fun at the museums and such by myself. I like doing stuff like that by myself sometimes, especially when I just want a weekend away to de-stress. We definitely were not friends at that point though. I didn't even know him. Online chat does not equal friendship. As for love at first site...it was definitely lust at first site I think for both of us but he had much more control over his urges than I did. [:D] I wasn't really expecting anything other than a fuck and that was it. I never expected to even hear back from him. But he definitely had that dominant personality, that air, that walk, that said "I know who I am. I'm comfortable with who I am. I'm not going to try and impress you and if you don't like it, that's your problem, not mine".

ARIES83 -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/3/2014 8:09:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder ...I'm submissive personality with everyone because that is simply my personality. I just pretend to be anything else with others because I have to to survive in the world. I don't enjoy it one tiny bit. It's not me but I have to do it. It seems like your saying a Dom will naturally dominate every situation because that's just who he is, while a Sub can pretend to be vanilla because it makes living and working in society easier sometimes... I choose which situations I am willing to assume responsibility for LW, every situation is quite frankly not my problem and I'm quite happy to defer to someone more motivated to control it than me...

littlewonder -> RE: Have you encountered the Hesitant Dominant? (2/3/2014 8:12:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ARIES83 quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder ...I'm submissive personality with everyone because that is simply my personality. I just pretend to be anything else with others because I have to to survive in the world. I don't enjoy it one tiny bit. It's not me but I have to do it. It seems like your saying a Dom will naturally dominate every situation because that's just who he is, while a Sub can pretend to be vanilla because it makes living and working in society easier sometimes... I choose which situations I am willing to assume responsibility for LW, every situation is quite frankly not my problem and I'm quite happy to defer to someone more motivated to control it than me... Yeah, you pretty much nailed what I was saying. Master picks and chooses sometimes but I admit he usually almost always ends up taking the responsibility simply because he hates not having it done his way and the correct way. I've seen him try to walk away and it rarely ever works for him heh. He will tell you that he'd rather sit back but I can tell you after all these years it eventually gets to him. [:D] Whereas me, I don't pick and choose. I ALWAYS choose to disappear into the crowd and NOT take control unless I'm forced to either by my boss or Master. And during those times, yup, I hate both of them for making me. [:'(] I'm not comfortable with it at all and will do everything in my power to avoid it. It's probably why I'm a loner and don't really like people all that much.

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