LadiesBladewing
Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
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Jali,
It isn't the least bit abnormal for you to have something that completely wigs you out -- that comes close to being a phobia. I think that, since you're generally a sensitive and aware person, it's likely that if you ever -had- to deal with someone in a compassionate manner who set off your "inner squick", you'd do just fine. You might go home and completely blow a wicket -- but in the moment, you'd do just fine.
That being said, sometimes exposure will do what therapy can't. A little vignette from my own history to explain -- I was deathly afraid of spiders -- any spiders from little tiny baby spiders to big old hairy tarantulas. When I was a paramedic, I worked in New York. A car rolled in an abandoned lot with tall, somewhat dry grass. Inside the station wagon was a little boy of maybe six years old and his mom. Mom was hurt, but the little boy was pretty much ok. He was in the back seat, and wearing a seatbelt. The car was on its roof, and I, being the smallest person on my team (one of the first female paramedics in our city), was assigned to crawl in through the broken window and get the little boy's vitals and see what we'd need to do to get him out of the car. I was in the car, trying to talk to this little boy and take care of him while they got his mom out of the car. While I was laying there, this HUGE (ok, maybe it wasn't huge, but I remember it as being huge) round garden spider crawled up and sat on my arm. The LAST thing I could do was scream and bounce around like I was freaked out, so I focused on my work and tried to ignore it until it crawled off. My mind was in a frenzy, though, trying to figure out where it went and whether it was crawling up my back or something, all the while I was trying to take care of that little boy. I hated myself for it.
Several years later (25 to be exact) I live with a woman who -adores- spiders. She doesn't let anyone in the house kill them, and insists that they have their own corners to live in (yes, she -does- make us share the house with "those things"). it's funny, though -- at first, I freaked out horribly, but they seem to know she likes them, so we've always had lots of them around -- especially the small tiger spiders (I don't know what they're really called, but they're striped and jump). These days, I still won't let one crawl on me, and I still get crabby if they get up on the computer monitor and roll those ugly little eyestalks at me -- but I don't freak out about it any more, and I don't lose sleep worrying about whether they're going to crawl on me. Shoot, I've even kept from panicking long enough when one -did- crawl on me to get the bugger outside (that's hard limit for me -- if they're going to live in the house, that -doesn't- mean they can touch my body!!!)
Anyway... be gentle with yourself. We all do the best we can, and sometimes, that's not perfect, but it's ok... it gives us an opportunity to show ourselves compassion like we would show to others.
ZWD
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"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
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