RE: Did I just create a mess?

RE: Did I just create a mess? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress

Message

ExquisiteStings -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/15/2014 5:39:33 PM)
If I were in this situation (and I'm glad I'm not) (but I've been in situations before where I'm friends with both the protagonist & the Antagonist, & 'snot easy because you find yourself talking to one about the other usually at the other's request, because they can't see eye to eye and just need a 3rd party, mediator, who will go in there, neutral and talk to each one, but first must start off by saying, "I'm only relaying a message that A told me to tell you, B, so don't shoot the messenger"..and so in a neutral way tell B what A wants to say and put it in the perspective that B will understand where A is coming from and hopefully they will be able to continue on in a civilized manner from there.).. but were I the one sitting there w/the male half of the couple who is just now discovering he has a thingy for shoes..and if he picked up my shoes and started sniffing, I'd ask him WTF is he doing, tell him to keep his motherfuckin cottonpickin hands OFF of my shit and it's not ok to handle my garments regardless what part of the body they go on and then lift them to his face to get a deep whiff. That's invading my personal space and my privacy. It's tantamount to opening up my drawer of undies, looking thru them, picking out a pair and sniffing them. I don't care HOW close a friend you are, unless you are someone with whom I am very intimate (and the only person who's got those privileges is my fiance) then this friend, regardless of how good a friend he might be is going beyond the realm of friendship, abusing the existing friendship to try to get his kink on by seeing how far he can go. IMO, this was no random act, not something he just decided to do because he had some hooch in him to bolster up his courage, but I think he was planning to see just how far he could take his machinations...and then pouring his drink into her footware?? Someone did that to ME, or to a personal item of MINE, when I wasn't looking, because if I'd have been able to see him attempt it, he would have received a hefty wallop upside his stupid head for trying it..the fact that he waited until her vision was off in another direction is proof positive that he had every intention of going thru with this little experiment of his..if that doesn't prove intent, then what the hell does..?? But if someone did that to ME, I would demand monetary compensation on the spot, not just for the value of the item but for the time and trouble it would take me to find another item to replace what he ruined or tried to ruin, to have fun with his new found kink. Being thought of as a freak would be the LEAST of that turdblossom's worries....no no no... And if I were LaFayette lady..I would tell him to financially compensate me for the smell of beer that will be in the shoes, so she can wash them..fine , get compensation for the detergent items, for the water bill and the electric bill and everything that she has to do extra, but also Lafayette Lady, extricate yourself from that situation asap...being that both of them drink..just because they act in a mostly predictable manner when they do so does not mean that things can't change. I've seen perfectly happy drunks whose drinking always put them into a happy mood, suddenly turn into rabid pit bulls if they think they're being mistreated or if they perceive any kind of threat, be it real or imagined. I've seen it first hand; I've been at the receiving end of it. One of my ex bf's thought he could shove me around, he was drunk..he shoved me and I shoved his ass back, the next thing I knew was that a ham sized fist came crashing into the side of my head. Because I'd shoved him back. He later told the people at the bar we went to that he hit me like that because I kicked him in the balls. If I'd done as the asswad coward said, he'd have been rolled into a ball of agony on the floor and nowhere near being able to curl his hand into a huge fist and crash it into my head. Get the fuck away from this dysfunctional couple, Lafayette Lady...the little bit about you that you told shoeboy, watch and see if he does not divulge this to the Girlfriend, who in a pique, possibly an inflated pique brought on by consumption of more hooch...computers be damned, she WILL shout out to whoever's in ear shot that you engage in all kinds of godknowswhat. Just to get back at you. For him wanting to kiss your feet. Oh this is such a bad situation to be in...I'd stay away from both of them when they've had any kind of drinking in them...I'd ban that guy from my house because obviously he has no respect for your personal belongings. Or any respect for how you feel because he just went ahead and did what he did w/o asking you about it...oh nonononono. I would not be surprised if in his defense, when he's trying to exonerate himself w/ the gf, I would not be one bit surprised if he names YOU, L'Lady, as the one who started everything going..and if gf really wants to hang onto him, you will be the brunt of their anger , their blame..and to be quite honest..your life actually might be better for them not being in it..who needs that kind of drama ?

LafayetteLady -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/15/2014 5:45:29 PM)
Actually there is a difference between "excusing" and "explaing." Yes, I do protect "wayward friends" but I also am clear in what I say to them. Unlike you, I see no need to rip a new asshole on every person that does something that crrosses a line. Surprising as it may be, I sometimes take a more sedate approach. As this is not something I experience regularly in my life, I came here to pose the question to those who might have had something happen to them similar. I did know the risk I was taking. I knew that there would be quite a few militant comments from people like you who, frankly, because of their own past, find everyones actions suspect. But I was also hoping I would get some common sense comments as well. Thankfully, I did. LP, Chatte, LC, NBMG and even DarkSteven have posted some very helpful thoughts. Thanks guys.

Rawni -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/15/2014 5:54:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady Actually there is a difference between "excusing" and "explaing." Yes, I do protect "wayward friends" but I also am clear in what I say to them. Unlike you, I see no need to rip a new asshole on every person that does something that crrosses a line. Surprising as it may be, I sometimes take a more sedate approach. As this is not something I experience regularly in my life, I came here to pose the question to those who might have had something happen to them similar. I did know the risk I was taking. I knew that there would be quite a few militant comments from people like you who, frankly, because of their own past, find everyones actions suspect. But I was also hoping I would get some common sense comments as well. Thankfully, I did. LP, Chatte, LC, NBMG and even DarkSteven have posted some very helpful thoughts. Thanks guys. Is that so? Really? Because of my past? [:D] I do not rip everyone a new asshole and tend to laugh when people cross lines around here. You know nothing about me other than what we have shared in emails and what you have seen here. Talk about us both... we both have ripped some assholes.. but now you are the nice one and I am the big bad ass ripper. Sedate... lol You would imply with my past that I am paranoid and believe everyone has a motive.. like those married guys... who's ass holes you leave alone right? I don't know a whole lot of people that haven't ripped an ass hole.. sedately or otherwise. I respond to men taking liberties while drunk and fighting with their gal... at my house asking to kiss my feet and afraid he's a freak differently than you do apparently and I worked in a lot of bars. Pushy drunk guys are still accountable for what they do. Period. He put you in a position you didn't like, but you did seem to like helping him know he wasn't a freak even if he crossed lines and because I say so... and you 'explained it' and it's okay... I'm the ass hole ripper? The wrong kind of poster... anyone who called it like 'they' see it? The wrong posters, the ass hole rippers.. the bad bad people that run all sorts of people off the forum. So call a fucking mod. Now.. I am an ass hole ripper. I'm calling this kettle.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/15/2014 6:00:17 PM)
Rawni, I have been posting as I read because from my phone its easier. I see where you are very confused now. I did not see the event as sexual. As such, my reaction is going to be different than if I found it sexual in nature. So while you are seeing this as some kind of unwanted sexual assault, I am not seeing it that same way. So whose right, me or you? Well, since I was the one present....I believe it has the potential to escalate into something sexual, but the event in question just wasn't to me. I'm not excusing his behavior, but I don't view it as sexual. If I did, I would have reacted very differently. LC, your last comment reminds me of the story you told about the guy with the giftt card who invited you to dinner. Not sure why.. Lauren, You are, as usual, quite right about me being in the middle. Its a place I find myself often and maybe I need to make a stronger effort to stop ending up there. My previous life (before diability) had me in a postion of always having to look at both sides objectively, both right, both wrong. I see easily both sides of things and believe me, both (especially in this case) are told quite frequently their anger with the other person is wrong. But I do need to learn how to not find myself in the middle of such situations. Not an easy thing for me.

UllrsIshtar -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/15/2014 6:01:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady He poured the beer in my shoe when I turned my head. If any person comes into my house and thinks they can take my stuff and without permission utilize it for their own purpose in a way that could ruin it, they would no longer be my friend. Aside from the fact that we're talking about this dude pushing his sexual fetish on another person, non-consensually, and in a deceitful way to his own partner, we're also talking about a dude who apparently thinks it's ok to go into somebody else's house and without permission start messing with their personal stuff. Fetish or no fetish, a person who pours beer in my shoes without checking with me first if that's ok would no longer be invited into my life. To do so if a sign that they do not understand the simplest of social boundaries and personal space, which means there is no place for them in my life.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/15/2014 6:04:54 PM)
I only have one thing to say to you Exhiled... Thank you.

Rawni -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/15/2014 6:06:56 PM)
From the Urban dictionary: fetish 1. An object thought to have magical, especially magically sexual, powers 2. A sexual fixation or obsession with a usually non-sexual object. EX. socks, horses, monkeys, pain, bondage Holy shit those socks really get me turned on because of this sock fetish of mine. Rubs socks on body

LafayetteLady -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/15/2014 6:20:12 PM)
Rawni, I have ripped many an asshole in my ten years on this site. I've also been someone who has gone against the party line on some things everyone else was raving about. Just your responses here show exactly what I'm talking about regarding your behavior. I haven't ranted and raved or whined, "call a moderator." But you have. Think about that. Lately, it isn't you "calling it as you see it," its you preaching from your pulpit and justifying your anger with saying you are just being bluntly honest. If that makes you happy, have at it. I haven't had to fight even half the life battles you have for which I'm grateful. But if you think that doesn't color your world view, that's a delusion. However, I do believe that distancing myself from this couple is a good idea. Although not because of this incident. Their relationship is pure drama created by their own issues. And the drama is escalating in ways I haven't even mentioned here. On both sides. More than I need in my life.

Rawni -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/15/2014 6:22:14 PM)
I am not angry because I cuss. I cuss when I laugh to. I am typing my words... I am talking straight that doesn't mean anger. Color my world? Delusional? You know... have your opinion, just like I had mine. Rip me a new one! [:D] The thing is... I don't let people talk to me like he talked to you and he wouldn't be a friend that I would consider a friend by putting me in that position if that makes me all fucked up... then I am all fucked up. [;)]

evesgrden -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/15/2014 6:42:00 PM)
Well, I still think that being alone with him in any context is fraught with risk. I understand that he may be distressed by his urges. Direct him to a munch, a book (or number of books) and that's it. If you counsel him, you are colluding with him. You are keeping a secret with him that excludes his partner. That is a betrayal, a form of infidelity where fidelity is about truth. It's a deception, it's lying by omission. The nature and content of your relationship is being kept secret from her. I'm not addressing this as a matter of right or wrong. I'm addressing this with respect to saying do this with eyes open. Make an informed decision here of the risks and the potential fallout. If she finds out... forget the shoe incident per se, but that you know about his fetish and have been advising counseling, supporting him... what will happen to your friendship with her? How would she handle knowing that he trusted you with it and not her, and that the two of you have even an academic aspect of your friendship that focuses on kink and fetishes. If they split up (and having nothing to do with this situation), which one would you maintain a stronger friendship with? If your friendship with her is more important than your friendship with him.... then it might be best to back off. Tell him where he can go for more info and be done with it. if your friendship with him is more important and you want to help him in his time of need, even if it means you might lose her friendship if she finds out then by all means help him. Just make an informed decision. Type I error: doing something you shouldn't Type II error: not doing something you should. Which mistake do you think you would regret most? (No need to answer here; you just need to figure that out for yourself) quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady Eve, As odd as it is in this day and age, no this guy has no clue how to use a computer. He can't barely even text. Do I believe he never sniffed he shoes or told her ? Yes, because I know them both and what I have repeatedly told both is they need to learn how to communicate. It was his face when he asked me about his being a freak. I made a living being able to jduge the truth of situations and I doubt I read this one wrong. But thanks to some people here, I am prepared to deal with this should it happen again.

njlauren -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/15/2014 9:33:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady Rawni, I have been posting as I read because from my phone its easier. I see where you are very confused now. I did not see the event as sexual. As such, my reaction is going to be different than if I found it sexual in nature. So while you are seeing this as some kind of unwanted sexual assault, I am not seeing it that same way. So whose right, me or you? Well, since I was the one present....I believe it has the potential to escalate into something sexual, but the event in question just wasn't to me. I'm not excusing his behavior, but I don't view it as sexual. If I did, I would have reacted very differently. LC, your last comment reminds me of the story you told about the guy with the giftt card who invited you to dinner. Not sure why.. Lauren, You are, as usual, quite right about me being in the middle. Its a place I find myself often and maybe I need to make a stronger effort to stop ending up there. My previous life (before diability) had me in a postion of always having to look at both sides objectively, both right, both wrong. I see easily both sides of things and believe me, both (especially in this case) are told quite frequently their anger with the other person is wrong. But I do need to learn how to not find myself in the middle of such situations. Not an easy thing for me. LL- I don't doubt that you are good at looking at things objectively, the problem is the couple isn't, and that is where you can run into problems, because what often happens is one (or often both) of them will turn the anger on you, blame you if things go south, claim that you took the other side, or made it worse...put it this way, you ask any cop about the worse situations they have been in, and they often will tell you domestic disputes, they can step in when the guy has been hitting the woman , they get in the middle, and find the man and the woman hitting them (friend of mine is a cop in NYC in Chelsea, said the worst domestic situation he had to deal with was between a lesbian couple, he and his partner ended up getting pretty roughed up before they could subdue the two women). The problem I have is when I like people I want to help them, I often have toyed with the idea of getting training and becoming some sort of therapist, but the problem is that without the skills and such, it often ends up either making things worse or ends up with me ending up on the outs with both people, who basically try to deflect the real cause of their problems to me to avoid taking responsibility... I think the best thing you can do is let them both know you are there for them, but that you can't be in the middle and take sides, it is too painful to you to be in the middle of watching two friends come apart and do stupid things to each other. Like i said, from what you have written, it sounds like this couple needs professional help more than anything, the drinking and fighting is not a positive sign, and also is a harbinger of it being bad for you to be in the middle of them. BTW I hope it didn't sound like I was judging you trying to help or being critical of the way you handled the guy, that must have been a major freak out thing to have happen and I know what it is like to be in situations like that, I am writing it detached, but when you are in it, it basically puts you into shock..plus you seem to have a good heart, and want to help, and I understand, I tend to be like that, so I would never judge how you handled this, just worried that you are setting yourself up to be in the middle of a pretty ugly thing between them:)

ElectraGlide -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/15/2014 10:00:22 PM)
On the positive side he was not driving, and he walked home...........in dry shoes.

DarkSteven -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/15/2014 10:17:11 PM)
@evesgrden and ExquisiteStings - exactly. There are SO many ways that this could go bad.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/16/2014 12:20:32 AM)
Rawni, My judgement of your anger had nothing to do with the cursing. I curse like a sailor more often than not, regardless of my mood. But there was a great deal of anger in your post. Agree, disagree, makes no difference. If you seriously believe that our life experiences don't color our world view, then yes, you are deluded. I handled the situation the way I saw fit at that moment. Does that mean I would handle it the same in another moment? No. But that's the way I handle things, others certainly handle things differently. And the ccircumstances surrounding each individual event, I take into consideration. I've had my share of freaking out at things, no denying it. But I tend more toward rationality than impulsivity. And freaking out is ALWAYS an impulse.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/16/2014 12:38:17 AM)
Eve, I do understand peoples view about being alone with the half of a couple that is the opposite sex. But I also think that stems from insecurity. To answer your question on who I would maintain a relationship with if/when their relationship went south? I honestly can't answer, although given her escalating volitile behavior and his recent sellf discovery, probably niether. But when I say that, I mean it in the sense that I likely wouldn't cut off contact completely with either, but it would be more the type where if you run into one or the other, you dod the "hi, how are you? What's new!, and then go each your merry way. I so agree they need counseling, both together and apart, and I've told them both this. Sadly, I doubt either would ever do it. She does not want to see her issues from any perspective than her current one, and he is the type to just not open up to people. But ultimately, those are their issues, not mine. But as I was talking this over with my best friend earlier, I really have been distancing myself from her for some time. This isn't a situation where I "hang out" with them evry week. In fact, the phone call from him and my conversation with her yesterday were the first time I had spoken to either in more than a month. They aren't neighbors in my same town anymore, so that's normal life drift. When he called, I didn't even know they had been arguing (again). I honestly thought that since he was in town, it was just a friendly drop by on his way to the local watering hole, nothing more or less. Would I have oked the visit had I known they were fighting? Probably not, because I don't want to be the mediator between them. So I likely would have told him it wasn't a good idea, but that sometime when he was in town next, I would welcome the visit.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/16/2014 12:45:23 AM)
Lauren, I would probably never think of anything you said as being critical or judgemental. Its just not part of who you are typically. I agree with you totally about how being in the middle tends to get you the balme more often than not. That's why I also saw no point in telling her about his fetish. To me, its like the question of telling someone their partner is cheating on them; the messenger seems to always get the brunt of the anger. Not something I need in my life. As I said, I've been working on not being in the middle, not just with them, but generally since firends tend to use me as a sounding board. I like to help my friends and people in general, but these days I have much on my plate to worry about with myself so I need to really focus there. So far, not going so well, lol

LafayetteLady -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/16/2014 12:48:51 AM)
EG, Ha ha. Certainly not my only pair of shoes. And as odd as it sounds, the podiatrist has told me I shouldn't be wearing those sneakers anyway because of my foot problems. My friend already knows that they will be part of the laundry he will be doing for me this week.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/16/2014 12:51:53 AM)
DarkSteven, Of course there are so many ways it can go bad. But it would have to happen again for that, and it isn't going to. Yesterday, his fetish was unknown and took me by surprise, but that surprise can only happen once.

MissMorrigan -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/16/2014 1:22:12 AM)
LL, When I said you were sitting back and watching, I meant you were providing all the necessary requirements for him to feel confident/comfortable that he could behave that way. That doesn't always mean it's a conscious decision on your part and I wasn't implying that it was. People can and do behave in the most stupid of ways especially when alcohol is involved, but in your home and on a one-to-one situation, you control what goes in in that environment. I am banking on loneliness being a factor for you in terms of letting the male friend get drunk in your home and insecurity to act once you could see that he was leading up to something - people are unpredictable when alcohol is involved, that's a fact and may be a possible reason, but I do think you need to work at setting boundaries to avoid situations like this in the future. Sometimes we give off vibes we don't pick up on yet others do. Out of other female friends he and your other friend may have, he chose YOU to behave that way to and you have to ask yourself why. For what it's worth I think the guy is a douche and was looking to set up the next 'go to' should his relationship with your other friend not work out, and an error in judgement by being so accommodating towards him was made. Lessons learned. Just extricate yourself while you can and set those boundaries now. You have to look after you and let him/her deal with their own relationship as you are not the keeper of any dirty secret here because he knew exactly what he was doing - the alcohol provided the 'courage' that's all and he needs to take responsibility for his actions. Whether he does or otherwise, again it's not your problem so don't be manipulated to get in the middle of this cluster fuck waiting to happen. Good luck to you. quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady No I didn't sit back and watch. He poured the beer in my shoe when I turned my head. I don't know a lot of foot fetishists and at first did chalk this up to him being drunk. I've seen people do some mighty strange things when drunk, and not always in a bar. Obviously your experience is different.

sexyred1 -> RE: Did I just create a mess? (3/16/2014 5:53:45 AM)
I know LL and she is a pretty rational chick who does not suffer fools gladly. She also likes to help people. I don't see why everyone is jumping on her for having a drink with a male friend. She certainly did not know what he was going to do and I don't think she acted inappropriately, he did of course. I do not agree that she should tell the other woman because nothing happened other than he asked to kiss her feet. I would tell him about ways to explore his fetish only after he mans up and tells his girlfriend about it. I think he was able to confide in LL because he is comfortable with her and her established role as being a sounding board for them as a couple. Which is not wrong, but does usually get a bit sticky since you are usually more on one side than the other. I know she will handle this fine, I think it was just kind of a shock.

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 5 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875