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RE: Friends and family - 3/18/2014 8:31:42 PM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I have to assume the what if something happens means that you engage in risky behavior. Like getting naked in a hotel room waiting for a stranger.

Obviously if you're just going to play parties, there shouldn't be much risk. A DM would shut down stupidity, I hope.

But most of us are just normal people, we date, took our time to determine compatibility and trustworthiness, and slowly entered into relationships that grew naturally.

I live with The Man. We are now down to only two (adult) kids in house, but if something happened to me, my daughter would be here to sign as next of kin. If he had a heart attack shoveling snow, his son is here to sign as next of kin.

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Post #: 41

RE: Friends and family - 3/18/2014 8:33:21 PM

JeffBC

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From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa
It's one thing to lose a friend, but to lose a family member because they are soooo close minded!! Especially a parent.

I understand although I don't see it that way. For me I get wrapped up in my need both to protect my own boundary and to actually respect the people I claim to love and respect. A part of respecting someone is treating them like an adult and allowing them to make their own adult decisions.

Back to your specific question, your logic isn't quite right in my mind. I've known lots and lots of people who were very open-minded about some things and very close minded about others. You can take a trip on over to the P&R forum to see a wide selection of folks who are pretty open-minded about sexuality and pretty close-minded about politics. When I made the decision to tell my parents it had more to do with a general respect for them than any confidence that they'd be "open-minded". In fact I was pretty sure our M/s dynamic was going to shock them badly (which it did). I just had a great deal of confidence that they would realize this was an important moment and muster their A game (which they did).

One more point? I think "bare essentials" is probably just about right for anything which you need to share but you know will be troublesome for the other person. That just makes sense, no? You do what needs to get done but you minimize the pain. In my case my parents got a good overview of M/s dynamics but they did not need to hear how Carol wakes me up every morning.

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Post #: 42

RE: Friends and family - 3/18/2014 9:30:39 PM

MalcolmNathaniel

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Joined: 9/20/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I'm not part of a "community" and when I was single and dating I just said to my friends "Hey, I'm going on a date. Call me in about 10 minutes in case he's a creep and I need a quick escape".

Then how in the hell did you end up with Kana?

Did you forget to charge your cell? :-)

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 43

RE: Friends and family - 3/18/2014 11:45:16 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
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I wouldn't. If they happen to find out or determine on their own what my proclivities are, and flat out ask me, I won't lie. Their reaction is on them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa

Okay. I guess I need to word the question differently. How would you go about learning if someone is open minded enough to accept your interest in the taboo?

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Post #: 44

RE: Friends and family - 3/19/2014 3:31:29 AM

FightingChains

Posts: 293
Joined: 3/18/2014
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-Fast Reply-

Hmmm I just view telling your family and friends to be a limit.

I mean, one or two close friends is fine, but you don't go discussing the latest sexual position you tried out with your family and friends, do you? It's just inappropriate. Your sexual interests are none of their business, and more than likely, they don't want to know. In the case of my BDSM interests, they probably are best not knowing how much I get off on being tortured by someone. They just wouldn't understand it.

If I have an issue and need to talk to someone, I'd speak to a friend I knew was kinky, or one of those few friends who knew.

If someone clues in and asks, I'd probably deny it, unless they were clear that they'd be fine with it, and then I'd keep it brief.

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 45

RE: Friends and family - 3/19/2014 3:42:05 AM

LadyConstanze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa

Okay. I guess I need to word the question differently. How would you go about learning if someone is open minded enough to accept your interest in the taboo?

I'm venturing the guess that it's all pretty new to you and you feel the urge to share what you have found with family and friends, while tempting, don't do it, especially not while you're all bubbling over, you can't ever take it back...

How about you just test the waters, there is always something in the papers, a movie, a video, 50 Shades was hyped, you could bring up the book and ask what they think about it, then just feel them out?

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(in reply to kkaliforniaa)

Post #: 46

RE: Friends and family - 3/19/2014 3:57:27 AM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I don't have to worry about people thinking I'm interested in the taboo or anything perverted. Because my family is sex positive and wouldn't blink an eye at what we do. However, it isn't any of their business. My sister has never leaned across the table at Thanksgiving to announce she got drilled in the ass last night.

We understand the concept of privacy.

I don't feel obligated to explain my relationship unless someone asks. I allow them to observe it and make their own decisions. What they have all decided is that I'm in a relationship with a man who loves and respects me, whom I love and respect in turn.

And if you aren't in a relationship, then this whole point is moot. As I presume you're not bringing home one night stands to meet your mother.

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Post #: 47

RE: Friends and family - 3/19/2014 4:51:28 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa

Okay. I guess I need to word the question differently. How would you go about learning if someone is open minded enough to accept your interest in the taboo?

As in finding a compatible partner? Is that what you're referring to? That's the only person, for me, that would need to be accepting.
Unfortunately, I can't help you there. It took me a good amount of time to share, too much time, and I wouldn't recommend that to anyone. Some time and an established comfort level, maybe, but not the amount of time I took.

The people I surround myself with are mostly very open-minded and accepting of differences. That's the company I prefer. When I finally did share, I had that working for me.

If I were interested in knowing how someone felt about something, I usually start with unbiased leading questions. Such as, "What do you think about x?". The only way to really learn besides observation (which, there isn't a whole lot to observe in this case) is to ask.

(in reply to kkaliforniaa)

Post #: 48

RE: Friends and family - 3/19/2014 8:54:12 AM

angelikaJ

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa

Okay. I guess I need to word the question differently. How would you go about learning if someone is open minded enough to accept your interest in the taboo?

Why is this something you want?

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(in reply to kkaliforniaa)

Post #: 49

RE: Friends and family - 3/19/2014 3:16:30 PM

kkaliforniaa

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For those of you who were born in the lifestyle/community, with kinky friends, you are very lucky to have that. Unfortunately, I'm sure, many of us weren't that lucky. The reason I've been asking this is because

example: you wind up in the hospital because you decided to try something new with someone you like/trust. Friends and or family will probably find out that you're in the hospital, and will probably think that you were attacked, or abused. So letting a select few people know would probably be a good idea. It's definately better than ambushing everyone while you're in the hospital!

To LadyConstanze: .. .. *wiping tongue*. While I have seen a thread or two on here where people said they liked the book, I can't just see the appeal of a book that has a girl allowing herself to do things she doesn't like, even dangerous things, just in the hope that she can learn secrets of a guy she has a unhealthy crush on *shrug*. And since I *gag* don't like the books, mentioning them *cringe*. Sorry if you like the book though, this is just how I feel.. .. There was a book I saw, that I'm interested in getting, more realistic, but unless someone is actually interested in the genre of bdsm, chances are they wouldn't know about it.. .. And other than news relating to the icky book, I haven't seen or heard many things relating to this topic. You're idea of bringing it up in relation to a book or movie is good, but the books and movies [other than Secretary] that I've seen, have been ick

To theshytype: Another helpful response, thank you. No, I didn't mean a partner. It could take a lifetime for some people to find the right person who accepts all your interests. I was talking more about someone who, when you're in the hospital because a whipping or something went to far, they won't judge you and think you're crazy, in need of a shrink

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 50

RE: Friends and family - 3/19/2014 3:20:32 PM

LadyConstanze

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No worries, I agree with your assessment of the book, it just seems everybody and their dog has read it, so it's easy to bring it up, if they find some scenes super hot (apart from buying her top notch cars and designer clothes), they might be a bit more open....

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Post #: 51

RE: Friends and family - 3/19/2014 3:22:11 PM

kalikshama

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Joined: 8/8/2010
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I think you're putting the cart before the horse here. You're going from zero experience* and no partner* to hospitalization. Most of us do not end up in the hospital.

When I saw my GYN after a serious beating I told her, "Oh, BTW, you're going to see bruises. They were obtained consensually."

* Actually, I can't tell how much experience you have. But you do not come across as having any.

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 3/19/2014 3:27:00 PM >

(in reply to kkaliforniaa)

Post #: 52

RE: Friends and family - 3/19/2014 3:29:16 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
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I would encourage you to go see a shrink if someone you loved/trusted landed you in the hospital and took it to far.
And I'm in the lifestyle.

I understand what you are saying...but I think its a needless worry. If you land in the hospital because of bdsm...they aren't likely going to give a lick what landed you there and just hope that you'll be ok.

I guess I think you're putting the cart before the horse, and assuming the worse. I think its good to have a safety net. But I think if you'll lose a family member over it now...and then you never land in the hospital...isn't that a needless loss?

(in reply to kkaliforniaa)

Post #: 53

RE: Friends and family - 3/19/2014 3:37:42 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa

example: you wind up in the hospital because you decided to try something new with someone you like/trust. Friends and or family will probably find out that you're in the hospital, and will probably think that you were attacked, or abused. So letting a select few people know would probably be a good idea. It's definately better than ambushing everyone while you're in the hospital!

Ya know, I once fell out bed during vanilla sex and hit my head. It required stitches in the middle of the night. They asked if I was assaulted. I said no. That was the end of it. Again, I don't need to explain why I'm not abused, I only need to answer in the negative.

quote:

I was talking more about someone who, when you're in the hospital because a whipping or something went to far, they won't judge you and think you're crazy, in need of a shrink

You clearly have no idea of what people who work in a hospital see on a daily basis. They're going to ask if it's consensual, when you say "yes", they no longer care that kinky sex was the cause of the injury.

You're making this way more difficult than it needs to be.

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Post #: 54

RE: Friends and family - 3/19/2014 3:40:22 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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If you are that poor at picking safe people to play/sex with, then I urge you to become better. I urge you to get therapy so that you are only attracted to healthy people, people who know their limits and wouldn't dream of using a whip on a living being without months of practice.

Shit, I never got good enough with the lunge whip to use it on the horse. If he needed exercise that badly and I didn't want to walk him, I stuck him in the round pen and hit the side of it with a crop to encourage him to move. I did safe things, not unsafe. My daughter's trainer knew I was doing only safe things. You need to educate yourself so as to learn whether your partner is sufficiently knowledgeable in what he's doing that you will allow him to do it to you.

Healthy people pick healthy partners. They aren't attracted to unhealthy people or attractive to them.

Fix yourself and this will no more be a problem with kinky guys than picking vanilla guys who are clueless, drunk, or abusive.

I don't play rough so I have never said anything to my primary. But my therapist knew all about it as without full knowledge, she couldn't have done her job. It didn't bother her, as it wasn't causing me difficulties in life.

I can't see the op's profile, so I don't know her age. If she's very young then being this clueless is excusable. I am hoping she's not one of those newly divorced, middle aged types who allow all common sense to fly out the window.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 3/19/2014 3:43:51 PM >

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Post #: 55

RE: Friends and family - 3/19/2014 3:44:01 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa
example: you wind up in the hospital because you decided to try something new with someone you like/trust. Friends and or family will probably find out that you're in the hospital, and will probably think that you were attacked, or abused. So letting a select few people know would probably be a good idea. It's definately better than ambushing everyone while you're in the hospital!

As much as I applaud someone (for once LOL) thinking things through before hand I gotta agree this seems like an awful lot of borrowing trouble. Maybe you should run a poll here and ask if people have ever been hospitalized for their BDSM activity?

Don't feel bad. Some of the crap I worried about before I got serious with my dynamic with Carol makes me laugh hysterically now. That doesn't change the fact that I am pleased I worried about them... sign of a good man and all that...

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to kkaliforniaa)

Post #: 56

RE: Friends and family - 3/19/2014 3:51:08 PM

kalikshama

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Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

Maybe you should run a poll here and ask if people have ever been hospitalized for their BDSM activity?

Excellent idea. I have started one here: Poll about BDSM activity requiring hospitalization

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 57

RE: Friends and family - 3/19/2014 4:12:17 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If you are that poor at picking safe people to play/sex with, then I urge you to become better.

She hasn't said this has happened, she's worried about it happening....and accidents happen even to the best of people. So, the assumption that she's making bad choices is a bit premature.

quote:

I urge you to get therapy so that you are only attracted to healthy people, people who know their limits and wouldn't dream of using a whip on a living being without months of practice.

She doesn't need therapy.

She just needs to relax and to stop over analyzing. It's normal to feel trepidation and caution when we change our lives. She'll either meet a friend that will show her that she's over analyzing or eventually experience will teach her that she's over analyzing. Not everything requires a therapist....

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Post #: 58

RE: Friends and family - 3/19/2014 4:19:17 PM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
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Amen... And actually rather somebody who overanalyzes, because how often do we have somebody come here crying "This happened and I never thought about it"

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Those who do and those who don't!

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Post #: 59

RE: Friends and family - 3/19/2014 4:43:50 PM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
Status: offline

Okay, I get it more now.

I'm an over-thinker and yeah, tend to always think worse-case scenarios. It's cool, though, because it makes me cautious enough to make smart choices I believe. And that's the key, making smart choices and choosing the right partners to prevent as much as you can. We know each other enough to know our limits and if we were going to try something new we'd learn as much beforehand and take it slow. Finding out I can go further is easier than finding out something went too far. I'm not going to say you never will end up in the hospital, crap can happen and it happens no matter what we're doing in life. More than likely, friends and family are going to want more details than hospital staff. They may not. I still stick with need-to-know basis. If a friend or family member was thoroughly concerned after an accident and pressed for details, then at that time I might give them more information. Basic information. Like "we like it rough and had an accident". Most people I know aren't going to ask for more details than that nor would they shun me for it.

(in reply to kkaliforniaa)

Post #: 60

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