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How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 9:29:56 AM

Rowdy76

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I tend to be rather deliberate in getting to know someone before I even agree to meet. My question to a sub is how long is too long? There is a sub 2 hours from in rl that I have talked to for almost two months now, and we are just not considering meeting. The only reason I am meeting so soon with her is because we talk everyday, and not always scene related. But I have had some people tell me I ask too many questions, or claim I am all talk. Am I being overly cautious in wanting to make sure I know exactly what a sub/slave is looking for and wants to get out of a relationship?

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RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 10:13:31 AM

shadowborn61

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It takes as long as it takes.
I would not meet with a Dominant until i was comfortable doing so and that takes however long it takes. Sometimes it may take longer than others there are many factors in play.
How well they communicate with me about what they want and are hoping to find in a submissive are important to me if i am looking for a long term relationship. If i am just looking for a play partner then how well their kink matches my own and then it still takes time to build some trust. I am not going to let someone i know absolutely nothing about bind me helpless and do what ever they want that's a good way to come up missing.
No one can tell you how long it should take or that you are taking too long are moving too fast that is for you to decide.
Personally if a Dominant takes the time to get to know me what i am into and what i am hoping to find i will most likely at least meet them in public to see if there is any spark. A Dominant that just wants to pull the "come to me and get on your knee's bitchboy will never meet me not even in public.

(in reply to Rowdy76)

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RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 10:22:07 AM

Rasciallymisty

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I think it depends on you and the person you are talking with. There are people I have talked with for years before meeting them and their is one guy who is now one of my very best friends...he and I only talked for about 20 mins. Some it depends on their location that has stop me from meetings them earlier.

Just to make it clear....I have never meet the first time with any play involved. It's been for, coffee, lunch, dinner.....even a hike a few times.

< Message edited by Rasciallymisty -- 3/18/2014 10:24:24 AM >

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RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 10:22:35 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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Well, that depends. I am one who like to meet fairly early on. Why? B/c I think when the chemistry is good, you want to meet and see if you have that same great chemistry in real life. You want to begin a dynamic and really life is too short to wait.

Someone 2 hours away I'd meet within a month or so (depending on schedule) once I ascertained the relationship could go someplace.

I don't need to know everything about them, but then I don't practice cookie cutter dominance. I let a relationship flow organically and see where it leads.

Have there been exceptions? Yes, a very notable one. When I met my now husband, he lived in AK and I lived in NC. He moved 3000 miles to date me. That may sound silly to some, but we both agreed within a month of talking online that it was serious.

That was 15 years ago, we have literally been best friends ever since.

_____________________________

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RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 10:43:20 AM

OsideGirl

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I agree with those above me that it's an individual choice.

But, my concern is that talking for months before meeting means that you get emotionally invested in a cyber relationship, which means that you're emotionally invested in a stranger. And there's no guarantee that the spark will happen when you finally do meet face to face, so you've just wasted months on someone you don't like.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 5

RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 10:55:48 AM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
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From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
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~FRing it~

Honestly, OP...that is really up to you and what works for you. There is no one true answer or way you should be. You have to do you in a way that is comfortable for you.

Me personally, Id rather meet with someone more on the sooner side rather than the later side. I don't really do the whole getting emotionally involved thing when it comes to cyber/phone. I get much more by being able to look someone in the eyes. But again, this is just me and what I prefer. But that might just not be you. And you know what, there is nothing wrong with that.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

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RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 10:56:28 AM

Rowdy76

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Good point Oside... I guess it takes longer for me to get emotionally involved. So maybe I need to be a little more willing to meet sooner, though thankfully so far there has only been one that is close enough for me to meet right away. And will be doing that next week during spring break. And if someone isn't willing to answer a few questions about what they are looking to get out of it, maybe I should walk away and invest my time and energy in those who are willing to communicate their wants/needs before jumping into something. Guess I just get a little leery of someone who says they want to move halfway around the world after 5 minutes of talk. I know there are exceptions to everything though.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

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RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 11:07:46 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

But, my concern is that talking for months before meeting means that you get emotionally invested in a cyber relationship, which means that you're emotionally invested in a stranger. And there's no guarantee that the spark will happen when you finally do meet face to face, so you've just wasted months on someone you don't like.

After twice getting heavily invested in in LDR only to find out the first guy was not how he portrayed himself and I had no chemistry with the second, I made a Local Guys Who are Willing and Able to Meet Soon rule. This also eliminates the guys who want to talk talk talk and nothing else, or who might be hiding a wife or SO.

OP - not saying you are deceptive, but lots of people online are, so I prefer to meet within two weeks. Not for BDSM, but to start getting to know them IRL and to see if their IRL persona matches their cyber one.

quote:

Am I being overly cautious in wanting to make sure I know exactly what a sub/slave is looking for and wants to get out of a relationship?

This is an admirable goal, but one better accomplished IRL, so, IMO, waiting to meet until you have done this virtually is indeed overly cautious and to me a negative trait.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 8

RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 11:09:48 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

Guess I just get a little leery of someone who says they want to move halfway around the world after 5 minutes of talk.

As you should be. However, there is a big difference between this and my position of wanting to meet a local guy for coffee within two weeks of correspondence.

(in reply to Rowdy76)

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RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 11:32:04 AM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
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From: Dante's Inferno
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rowdy76

I tend to be rather deliberate in getting to know someone before I even agree to meet. My question to a sub is how long is too long? There is a sub 2 hours from in rl that I have talked to for almost two months now, and we are just not considering meeting. The only reason I am meeting so soon with her is because we talk everyday, and not always scene related. But I have had some people tell me I ask too many questions, or claim I am all talk. Am I being overly cautious in wanting to make sure I know exactly what a sub/slave is looking for and wants to get out of a relationship?

For a woman it's different, I like to take my time, but it really depends on the level of comfort I have with the sub. You're not overly cautious, especially if they are that close. Good reason to be twice as diligent in knowing it's not a potential stalker or someone who will try to interfere with your life in some negative way.
Also first meetings are awkward enough without someone making sure there is that necessary level of comfort for the chemistry to translate offline.
If someone is "nice" I'll meet them sooner. Sometimes I DO like them and they are as nice as I perceived but no chemistry. Comfort supersedes all that and someone in close proximity would be good reason to be cautious.

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(in reply to Rowdy76)

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RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 11:38:00 AM

thishereboi

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I met my first mistress online on AOL and I talked to her about a week before we met. When I came on CM I wasn't looking for anything but friends. I had a women email me and ask to meet for coffee and I didn't talk to her online at all. Personally I like to meet as soon as possible because I don't like chatting online but everyone is different. Don't let people push you into anything you don't feel comfortable. When you are ready to meet, you will. It's that simple.

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RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 11:52:04 AM

Rowdy76

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Joined: 11/17/2011
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Thank you all. I am more willing to meet someone who lives close (though those are harder to find in this area). My concern is more for those who are 1000+ miles away. But I can definitely understand that if possible, talking face to face is a lot better. And I can see how some would think I am all talk no show if I am not willing to meet sooner.

(in reply to thishereboi)

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RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 12:32:55 PM

UllrsIshtar

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~FR~

I wouldn't keep talking to somebody for over 2 months without meeting them if they're only 2 hours away.

Any distance that can be easily driven there and back in a day without a need for an overnight, I'm going to want to meet within 2 weeks. Any distance that can be driven easily in a weekend +/-7 hours I wouldn't talk more than 2-4 weeks online before meeting, and would probably (and have) meet even sooner than that.
Intercontinental meets I'd expect to happen within 2-6 months. When I became interested in someone from CollarMe who lived across the Atlantic from me, we met in 3 months.

If there isn't interest in meeting by that point, I'm no longer interested in talking online anymore. I'm not interested in endless conversations about 'what if' without checking to see if have chemistry with the person.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to Rowdy76)

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RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 12:47:14 PM

OsideGirl

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From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

~FR~

I wouldn't keep talking to somebody for over 2 months without meeting them if they're only 2 hours away.

Hell, in SoCal that's just the Los Angeles area. When I was single I thought nothing of making that drive or meeting half way to meet someone that I thought might be interesting.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)

Post #: 14

RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 12:57:08 PM

Blonderfluff

Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rowdy76

Good point Oside... I guess it takes longer for me to get emotionally involved.maybe I need to be a little more willing to meet sooner, though thankfully so far there has only been one that is close enough for me to meet right away. And will be doing that next week during spring break. And if someone isn't willing to answer a few questions about what they are looking to get out of it, maybe I should walk away and invest my time and energy in those who are willing to communicate their wants/needs before jumping into something. Guess I just get a little leery of someone who says they want to move halfway around the world after 5 minutes of talk. I know there are exceptions to everything though.

This ( bolded). Is exactly why my preference is to meet BEFORE I start to get emotionally involved. I have found that phone chemistry is very different than real life, look in eyes chemistry. I don't want to invest that much time and emotion into someone until I KNOW they ring my bell.

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RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 1:51:22 PM

Rowdy76

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Joined: 11/17/2011
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I can definitely see traveling shorter distances fairly soon. Part of why it has taken me so long to travel to meet this one 2 hours away is scheduling. I have work and school to balance, so leaving town for a day or two takes some planning. Someone within 50 miles I would probably meet within a week if the first conversation went well. But I can definitely see and understand why trying to meet early is a good thing. Something I need to work on I suppose.

(in reply to Blonderfluff)

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RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 1:53:57 PM

UllrsIshtar

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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

~FR~

I wouldn't keep talking to somebody for over 2 months without meeting them if they're only 2 hours away.

Hell, in SoCal that's just the Los Angeles area. When I was single I thought nothing of making that drive or meeting half way to meet someone that I thought might be interesting.

Exactly. When I met my husband on this site, he was in Chicago and I was in Western-Iowa. It was about an 8 hour drive and we met within two weeks. After chemistry happened and we hit it off, I ended up making that drive ever other week for 4 months until I moved to IL.

I feel that, until you've met in person, online is just a fantasy, because you're both imagining the person as you picture them, not as they are.

< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 3/18/2014 1:54:49 PM >

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to OsideGirl)

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RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 1:58:26 PM

UllrsIshtar

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rowdy76

I can definitely see traveling shorter distances fairly soon. Part of why it has taken me so long to travel to meet this one 2 hours away is scheduling. I have work and school to balance, so leaving town for a day or two takes some planning. Someone within 50 miles I would probably meet within a week if the first conversation went well. But I can definitely see and understand why trying to meet early is a good thing. Something I need to work on I suppose.

Dude, why does it take you several days to go on date 2 hours away?

I drive longer than that to go shopping in some cases.

Just drive out, have coffee with her, maybe see a movie or something, and drive back. You can do this on a Saturday, there are still 24 hours in a day you know...

Meet at... lets say, 1pm. You leave at 10:15-ish so you're not late. You see her at 1pm at a coffee bar, have coffee, if you like each other, go do something else together, and have dinner afterwards, and by 7-8pm-ish you drive back home. You'll be in bed before midnight.

Why is that such a big deal?

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to Rowdy76)

Post #: 18

RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 2:19:15 PM

Rowdy76

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In part because of scheduling.. I work full time and go to school. I have at least one thing going 7 days a week. Off work Weds. Thurs, and have lab and class those days. So just jumping in the car and taking a day trip requires scheduling. I even mention in my profile, and added more to that section just now, that I am mainly looking for friends right now because of time constraints. The main reason I asked, and I am sorry I bothered, is because a few have acted like they won't talk unless you meet them after one conversation.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)

Post #: 19

RE: How long is too long? - 3/18/2014 2:23:55 PM

OsideGirl

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Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rowdy76

In part because of scheduling.. I work full time and go to school. I have at least one thing going 7 days a week. Off work Weds. Thurs, and have lab and class those days. So just jumping in the car and taking a day trip requires scheduling.

So, I have to ask: If you don't have time to meet, why do you think you have time to deal with a submissive?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Rowdy76)

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