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Cheating - 11/22/2004 10:49:06 AM   
INSIDEYOURMIND


Posts: 483
Status: offline 		I am sure this thread may be a hard pill for some to swallow, but here goes anyway!

What is up with all the cheating going on?

If you are a sub, and your Dom is married, and his wife doesn't know, then you are cheating, and that is not what this lifestyle is about!
If you are a sub, and you're married and your spouse doesn't know then you are just using this lifestyle to get laid!
I do not care what your excuse is, cheating is cheating.
I read on these forums regularly about how Doms, or subs are married and it is having an effect on their BDSM relationships, give me an fn break!

To all of the cheaters out here, wanna try something different tonight? Sleep with your spouse for a change!

< Message edited by INSIDEYOURMIND -- 11/22/2004 10:55:28 AM >

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If I got smart with you.................
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RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 10:58:23 AM   
MistressFire70


Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		There are SO many places I could go with this...but I will stick to something simple:

If the arrangement where one partner is married doesn't work for you, don't have a married partner. Simple as that. But remember, you are only choosing for YOU. We each must choose for ourselves what we are, or are not, comfortable with in a relationship, BDSM or otherwise.

Fire


_____________________________

you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)
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RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 11:21:08 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Lack of moral fiber? Lack of proper upbringing?

Why else would a person cheat and think there is nothing wrong with it?

Also once a cheat always a cheat seems to be true.

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)
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RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 11:22:41 AM   
srahfox


Posts: 261
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline 		. I do however understand that sometimes people feel or believe they can't leave their marrage for one reason or anouther and they want more in life so they look outwards. That having been said, my master and i were once propositioned by someone who was a friend at the time (Her lack of friend status accually has nothing to do with this story). I was okay with the idea for the most part but something pulled at the back of my mind and I just couldn't bring myself to want to be with her. It took me a while before I realized what the problem was. She was dating someone. Now I knew she had cheated on him before and that's all on her and the other person. Finally my Master and I told he that we didn't want to be a part of that. If he'd known and agreed that would have been different. But that wasn't the case. She tried to tell us that he knew and was okay with it. Um, yeah, sure. We made the choice to not be a part of it.


< Message edited by srahfox -- 11/22/2004 2:09:57 PM >

(in reply to MistressFire70)
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RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 12:02:56 PM   
ProScatman


Posts: 167
Joined: 5/28/2004
From: Ohio
Status: offline 		I'ts widely know that people find fault with other people to make themselves feel better about thier situation. How many people are open about thier lifestyle? Do thier neibors know what gives them satisfaction? If they did, how many would say they were immoral, or had something wrong with thier upbringing? You can't get a devorce because your spouse uses sex as a weapon! So, you can do as some suggest is right and rot, and masterbate your life away, or you can find someone compatable. Whatever! Judge not lest ye be judged, and by your own measure! I'd also bet that those "cheaters" are unhappy they must do so to be happy! And, I also thought that we weren't suppose to be putting each other down here...

_____________________________

The objection to Puritans is not that they try to make us think as they do, but that they try to make us do as they think.

Have a good day, Mike

(in reply to sub4hire)
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RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 12:57:11 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Access Denied

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 11:29:04 PM >

(in reply to ProScatman)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 1:05:02 PM   
willing2serve


Posts: 385
Joined: 4/6/2004
Status: offline 		I would like to add that we are all in a boat of bdsm together, how each one paddles might be different and you have to find the course that is right for you. Let's face it, what floats my boat, may not float yours..but that is what is so wonderful about the lifestyle.

There are cheaters in all walks of life, not just in marriage (many examples could be given here), just dont ever cheat yourself.

I respect everyone's right to live the life and give opinions, but be careful in judging....NEVER say NEVER...i've learned from experience the word "never" doesnt taste so pleasant when you are eating your words.

Respectfully,
Willing2serve1


(in reply to ProScatman)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 1:46:14 PM   
srahfox


Posts: 261
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline 		Frequently here you will hear people say that as long as everyone involved is okay with what is happening, go ahead, have fun. But generally when you are cheating there is someone who has been dragged into it who had no choice in the matter.. In the end they almost always find out and are hurt. But, when it comes down to it, it has nothing to do with me. Period. It's a choice someone else makes for their life. I know there are people who feel they can not get what they want any other way. For whatever reason they feel they are trapped and can't do anything to change that. I had a friend who killed himself because he felt that way. He had married a woman he had nothing in common with because he had gotten her pregnant. So, he felt he had no other choice and killed himself. I miss him. And I am sad that his daughter lost her father. Maybe it would have been better for him to have cheated. There is no way to know now. I do do know that if he had, I would have loved him the same. It's not my choice to make.
This is only my opinion and nothing more.
Maybe we should all think of one thing before we condem someone. What if the love of your life came into the picture too late? You can't say you should have known you really didn't love your spouce, because you never really know. I thought I loved my first boyfriend, and in a way I did and still do. I might have married him if he'd asked. But what would i have done had I then met my Master?

< Message edited by srahfox -- 11/22/2004 2:19:23 PM >

(in reply to willing2serve)
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RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 1:47:35 PM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		Ok, I can understand having mulitiple partners, or open relationships. What I cannot understand is lying to one's partner.

If you are going outside a relationship, I believe you should inform your partner and give him/her the chance to leave. To place someone in a multiple partner situation without their knowledge, to me, violates consent, which is my primary consern when it comes to all BDSM interaction. You are exposing your partner to potential risks, both of STI's and other generally negative stuff.

Sure, go outside your relationship if it will make you happy. But tell your partner first. They have a right to make up their own mind about a relationship.

I'm often told by individuals who are cheating that they "love their partners in everything but this." Well, if you love them, you should repsect them enough to give 'em a choice and upfront knowledge of your behaviors.

I don't care -what- people do, but I believe that not telling is wrong. Period.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to willing2serve)
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RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 2:28:59 PM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

then you are cheating, and that is not what this lifestyle is about!

*yawn*. What I find really kooky is kinky people acting like there is some moral code of conduct for "this lifestyle" that makes them better than the population at large, and then they get up on a pedestal to lecture others just like you might expect from Jerry Falwell.

It seems especially odd when you consider that folks in "this lifestyle" also like to pride themselves for being open minded in a your-kink-is-ok-its-just-not-my-kink kind of way, yet they get offended by someone who doesn't conform to their own sense of morality. Personally, I figure it's their life and they can live it as they see fit and it isn't any of my damned business anyway, so I'll keep my mouth shut unless provoked by goofy self-righteous posts like the one that started this thread. Mind you, I'm not sticking up for cheaters, but I like lectures even less.

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 2:42:47 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		Well this thread certainly hit home. I can tell you why a lot of people cheat--they want something that they aren't getting at home so badly that they are willing to risk a lot for it. That was my case. I wanted and needed to expeience my submissive nature with a Dom, and i never thought Hubby would understand, that's where i was wrong, but hindsight is 20/20. For those of you condemning this so stronly, think what you might do if you were in a vanilla marriage when you discovered your BDSM desires.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 3:11:52 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		OH GOD - OH GOD - THE WORMS ARE ESCAPING ALL OVER THE PLACE FROM THIS CAN!!
Damn, I'm not reading any further into this thread beyond your question because it will just rile me up and I'm just getting over dealing with the election posts!

You really don't think you'll get real answers do you, my Yankee friend?

You'll hear rationalizations:

- My spouse doesn't understand me!
- My spouse can't give me what I need!
- My spouse and I have grown apart!
- My spouse is boring!
- My spouse doesn't appeal to me!
- My spouse won't even try to understand what draws me to this lifestyle!

And all will have issues why they can't change:

- Won't/can't leave the children.
- Won't/can't leave the financial security.
- Waiting for the children to grow up.
- Spouse too sick to leave but will be committed as soon as he/she die.

And then there's this:
- Besides it isn't cheating, my spouse knows all about it.
- Besides I don't have 'real' sex. (Can we all agree to credit William Jefferson a/k/a "Bubba" Clinton for that one?)

But my ultimate favorite is the common theme from practitioners, or the 'after-glow' of these relationships:
- I don't understand why I can't get commitment from the Doms/Dommes I meet?
- Why didn't he/she call again after the first meeting?
- Why is he/she still keeping his profile active and contacting other people?

And of course there will be the attackers:
- I thought the lifestyle was supposed to be open and accepting?
- You can't know my situation and you have a LOT of nerve to attack how I and my spouse live!
- NOT EVERYONE can be open about their relationship.

And, you know the words - let's all sing it together.....

YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!!


Now just who my friend is going to clean up and collect all these worms???? HUH!!???

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 3:52:09 PM   
INSIDEYOURMIND


Posts: 483
Status: offline 		Thanks Merc, I didn't really expect alot from this thread, and I got pretty much what I expected!

Riotgirl, You hit it right on the head, I condemn no one, just the action of cheating.

To the others, opinions are like assholes, and we all have one, I choose this forum to express mine, you can like it, or for all I care, you can shove it up your opinion!

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 3:54:09 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

you can shove it up your opinion!



Very understanding...!

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 5:07:52 PM   
MistressDREAD


Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Lets go with the reality here of first off the cheater and second off reality statistics with just one issue that will no doubt equal the playing field with in the next 15 years realistcallly anyhow..


Number 1
The largest group of infected HIV people is Men whom have more then one ongoing relationship.
Number 2
The largest growing group of infected HIV people is monogomus Woman in singular relationships.
Number 3
For every 1 case of HIV in the World today reported there are 5 cases not reported.
Number 4
The two groups that are fastly becomming the largest groups age wise to have HIV is the
15 to 24 and 68 to 75 age group. Those whom are having more then one relationship or cheating feeling that it is ok, is the youngest whom have not yet learned that this is not good and do so as a status with in the groups to be accepted not fully understanding their actions with that Im superman/woman attitude. Those whom have decieded that after a life time of being monogomus have gone out and are having relationships as widows and widowers with the mindset that oh Ive never been with anyone else befor therefor Im OK in a false assumption never being tested nor learning about the virus and having unprotected sex.
If you have never been tested for HIV, do so. You must request a HIV test in order for your blood to be tested. If you find you have HIV dont continue to pass it on. Human beings dont need no help from you in dieing out. Learn to not only protect your self 100% but pass on those teachings in how others can profect their selfs from HIV 100%. If any here on collarme desire to know how they can protect their selfs from communicable infection do not hesitate to come to the other side and email Me for any information you need or desire to learn. Ignorance is not bliss, its DEADLY. JMO.

In 2003 there were 38 million cases of HIV. These numbers double every three years currently.

The "down low" phenomenon or type of cheating which is worse is -- in which men have sex with men but do not mention their male relationships to their female sex partners, friends or family members an is an "emerging concern.

Adding that one quarter of woman and children infected are done so thru violent acts. "Women and children who are the victims of sexual violence are in no position to negotiate anything, nevermind faithfulness and condom use for their protection.

DID I MAKE EVERYONES COCK GO LIMP AND PUSSY SHUT TIGHT? LOL DONT CHEAT, AND IF YOU DO FOR THE WORLDS SAKE TAKE EVERY PRECAUTION TO NOT SPREAD HIV. REMEMBER THAT EVERY PERSON THAT YOU HAVE HAD SEX WITH YOUR NEXT PARTNER HAS ALSO NOW HAD SEX WITH AND VISE VERSA. EVERYONE THAT YOUR PARTNER HAS HAD SEX WITH YOU TO HAVE HAD SEX WITH. THINK ABOUT THIS BEFOR LIVING A ACTIVE SEXUAL LIFESTYLE. CHEATING NOR HAVING OPEN FREE SEX AINT WHAT IT USE TO BE.

[[[[[[[[notices that I have gone overboard as usuall when addressing such issues as FUCKAROUNDS......................Laughs and moves off the board to give everyone a breather for a moment.....]]]]]]]]]]

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 5:59:09 PM   
kiki blue


Posts: 315
Joined: 1/16/2004
From: Brisbane, Australia
Status: offline 		Cheating isn't always about fucking someone else. I define cheating as being emotionally and/or sexually involved with someone other than your partner, that you don't want your partner finding out about. You can be emotionally involved with someone else, and not kiss or touch or fuck, and it can still be cheating. If a partner had to cheat, I'd rather it be meaningless sex with someone he never saw again, than someone he got emotionally entangled with. But then, I've raised my standards and cheating is just not acceptable anymore.

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Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

(in reply to MistressDREAD)
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RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 5:59:32 PM   
jillwfsub4blkdom


Posts: 375
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline 		i totally understand where you are coming from. i feel like marriage is an ultimate commitment. i also feel that if you are in a committed relationship that there is no reason to cheat. Like others have said, if someone is that unhappy with the situation then get out of it. The good and the bad have to be weighed to see which one is more important. To me, my personal convictions and a promise mean more. If i can't live with the promise, i should be able to tell the other person that.

jill

_____________________________


"It's the moment that transcends
Our physical into a more spiritual level of understanding" - Musiq

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)
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RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 6:10:49 PM   
Nvernilla


Posts: 303
Joined: 10/1/2004
Status: offline 		Cheating is wrong if its not an open relationship I personally don't like open or poly relationships but do recognize that people have a right to do as they please. Its all up to the people involved.......Mike

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 6:23:09 PM   
feline


Posts: 1101
Joined: 2/23/2004
From: CA
Status: offline
quote:

If you are a sub, and your Dom is married, and his wife doesn't know, then you are cheating, and that is not what this lifestyle is about!


To begin with, cheating for me, is a sour subject. I don't think it has anything to do with the "lifestyle". People cheat in the "vanilla" world too. It would seem that they feel more comfortable talking about it however, when involved in this "lifestyle".

Personally, I find no honor or respect for someone who lies or "cheats". NO matter what their excuse or reason behind it.

quote:


He had married a woman he had nothing in common with because he had gotten her pregnant.


Wrong reason to get married, but that's another subject. Your friend sounds like he had some much deeper issues. I am sorry for your loss.

quote:

I might have married him if he'd asked. But what would i have done had I then met my Master?


I'ts called a divorce. You would be doing the other person no justice by staying with them, if you no longer love them. That is pity.

quote:

It seems especially odd when you consider that folks in "this lifestyle" also like to pride themselves for being open minded in a your-kink-is-ok-its-just-not-my-kink kind of way, yet they get offended by someone who doesn't conform to their own sense of morality
.

Lying is NOT a kink! I don't give a shit what world you live in. How do you respect someone who is deceitfull?

quote:

For those of you condemning this so stronly, think what you might do if you were in a vanilla marriage when you discovered your BDSM desires.


And I'm sorry proud, but I would discuss it with my partner way before I would cheat.


As I said before, this is a sour subject for me. Unless you yourself have been there, you can't tell me you understand. Do I sit in judgement of those who cheat? No. Because when it all comes down to it, you have to live with you and your actions. And the look on your spouses face when they find out. Because whether or not you are having sex with that person, you are still sharing an imtimate private part of yourself with them!

Answer me this - How do you trust someone who is obviously lying to someone else???


MNSHO,








Attachment (1)

< Message edited by feline -- 11/22/2004 6:33:57 PM >

_____________________________

Variety is the soul of pleasure.
~Aphra Behn~

(in reply to INSIDEYOURMIND)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Cheating - 11/22/2004 6:44:46 PM   
mtsilence


Posts: 33
Joined: 8/29/2004
Status: offline 		This thread on cheating could easily be directly linked to people's willingness to take responsibility for their own choices and actions. The fact that cheating happens also reflects on rather or not they understand the idea of honesty and honor. Understand that not everybody cheats. It is just like not everybody eats at Burger King. There are more then a few people in the local Colorado BDSM community who have marriages where in both parties involved really do know that their spouse is out getting or giving things that don't do nothing for the other partner. In many of these cases, they have a standing rule of ‘no exchange of body fluids’ the partners do not have sex in any of its forms as we understand them (oral, anal, vaginal) with their 'play partners.' They instead build their sexual tension through their play and then go home to their primary relationship and release all their tensions.

Be assured that there are those who cheat and do not think anything of it because they are involved in the whole delusion of their own self-importance. They have the solid belief that their needs, wants and desires are all that matter. Forgetting that in these situations there are always going to be hurt parties if they are discovered and far more then just the primary is going to feel the pain of the betrayal.

There are also more then a few cases where people will be honest and open up front, explain that they are married and even collared, since they are lucky to have their spouses as their Dominant. (Master/Mistress/Lord/Lady.) They will explain their status and that they are not seeking additional play partners so much as friends to share ideas and conversation with. They are not fishing for their Doms and they are not out looking for something else. Granted while you will run into the honest person here just as often as the dishonest, the truth is that until people come to terms with themselves and their own actions, you will always find people willing to use other people for their own ends and means. Hence cheating and cheaters.

Silence

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 20
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