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SirEpitome -> Thoughts about submissives who don't walk the walk and profiles (4/24/2014 1:56:13 AM)
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I see so many postings from women who swear they are "submissive", that they want someone to take control and to set the rules. Now I understand that looking for a Dominant or submissive online is....well...hard, a joke, and an exercise in frustration and irritation. There are a lot of "players" out there....lets face it and be honest there are a lot of disingenuous people out there. As of late I see so many women expressing their frustration in their posts and journals, and I admire and respect that.
What I am noticing is that these women, the reality that they want is someone first to accept them, their body and their personality, and they want to determine the rules, and any decision that does not agree with what they want is summarily rejected. Any attempt to assert authority, respect, consideration is met with open resistance, surreptitious disobedience, passive-aggressive behavior, interest, commitment, and even attempted recruitment of "allies" from other online friends, from among friends and family (who, sadly enough, do not have the maturity to say "It's between you two.") Any response is generally either ignored, or meant to deride and insult any approach that is not one they have already predetermined as the one true way of doing anything.
On top of this is a general hypocrisy–rules were to be followed by everyone but the self-styled “submissive”, who appeared to count herself quite clever for doing whatever she wanted in the first place. In dealing with others, they likewise impose rules that do not apply to themselves. On those times when attempts to provide guidance and structure, it is demanded that they are provided, a-priori, every single possible contingency and scenario. If there was the slightest gap, structure is deemed unworthy. If some outside event disrupted daily life, not only the disruption but the event, itself, is entirely the Dom/me's fault.
As relationships end, the Dom/me is the one who is at fault, if there was any sharing of responsibility, their portion consisted of them being “too kind” or “too tolerant” of the Dom/me and their innately wrong attitudes and methods.
How does one deal with such “submissives” who really just want a figurehead who manages to somehow always make the decisions that the “submissive” wants? If the only way to deal with them is to avoid them, how does one detect such an “anti-submissive” early in the relationship?”
Therein lies the observation and the question.
The scenario and question sounds positively awful.
In terms of what you can “do” about a submissive like this, if you don’t care for the dynamic, then don’t do anything with them. If you have been open, respectful considerate, been clear in your direction, flexible in trying to meet their needs, and attempted to communicate the problem with them, all you can do is walk away. It also sounds like a lot of work for little reward and if you don’t want a constant fight (that you're likely always losing anyway) then don’t. I would have a serious “come to Jesus” with someone like that and if it didn’t change, I’d have to accept that they just aren’t a good fit for what I’m looking for.
The second question is a really, reeeaally good one, and not so easy to answer these are dynamic relationships. Is there some reason you might have trouble spotting it? Maybe your judgment is clouded by sexual attraction? Or loneliness or something like that? I mean, is there some reason you might actually want to be fooled? I’m not saying that’s so, but it’s worth asking yourself. Sometimes, we want a thing so badly, we actually participate in the charade, essentially lying to ourselves. Which is what makes it possible for others to fool, manipulate or otherwise give us the run around. It’s something to think about.
The other thing you might try is taking a look at what is written above, make a list of the things in your deion that will serve as red flags. When you start seeing someone new, keep your list of red flags handy and refer to it, often. If you see any of the behaviors you’re training yourself to look out for, walk away. You might have a discussion about it with the person you’re seeing, but if that doesn’t get you anywhere and the behavior continues, walk away. You might even have a trusted confident that can be your “relationship spotter”- someone you know very well and who “gets you” in this regard. Consult them AND your list before you make a commitment to someone new.
Essentially, you want to make a contract with yourself. You want to get clear on what your new, more stringent set of hard limits are in relationships, based on these awful experiences you’ve had. You want to spell them out and stick by your commitment to not put up with it anymore. Period. If you can’t do that and this keeps happening, then I’d say you definitely have some sort of internal problem that’s making you step into relationships that essentially aren’t good for you. In that case, some therapy, spiritual work or some kind of healing process might help you figure out what that issue is and how to change it before you try to start a relationship again. It happens- been there, done that. Got better.
“It takes a pretty good relationship to be better than no relationship at all.” The wrong relationship will just wear us down and suck the life right out of us. It’s important to figure out what makes a relationship “right” for us. It’s also important to figure out what it is in us that keeps us engaging in the “wrong” ones. Does that make sense?
On the topic of Profiles, I have seen many people suggest that new people or people who "complain" about liars, players etc. talk about their "vanilla" interests and qualities. People are looking online for a connection, trying to just create a profile that will catch someones eye is difficult. I think there should be a balance, but if we expect to have that balance it has to work both ways, the reader has to balance their expectations to that of what they are reading. Everyone needs to be safe, to be smart, but more than anything considerate and respectful.
I am a sexual, loving dominant, there is more to me than just that, but a small paragraph won't convey that and neither will a long post. It seems that if you make a long post you're as much at risk of getting ignored as those short posts or those posts that have no real personal details or interests.
Be yourself, share you vanilla and your kink be as daring and bold as you are comfortable with.
I am looking, I state what I want, and if you say you want an online relationship, I want that as well. If you want a mentor someone to show you the ropes and help you, I am a loving dominant, a nurturing mentor and a natural teacher.
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