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Betrayal of trust?? - 4/27/2014 1:00:40 PM

Redsunderrule

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/26/2014
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I have had a Master for over two years. He is my second Master so not that experienced but I am a submissive and love being one. We developed a serious bond..emotional and physical. I love him..both Man and Master. He told me frequently how much he loved and needed me and I was the only submissive he needed.
Well then the bomb hit when I found that an acquaintance of mine is also his submissive and had been for three years. She did not know of me either. Fun times when we found out..NOT!! Well of course Master did his best at damage control but he lost my friend..and is on the verge of losing me.
He thinks we can just start over..and develop trust again. I am not so sure. Trusting your Master is for me the kindpin of the relationship. How can you surrender yourself totally when the man has no honor?? Don't ask Don't Tell doesn't hurt anybody he says..well I beg to differ.
I would love to hear from other Masters on this scenario.

Post #: 1

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/27/2014 1:09:17 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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I am not a Master, but I would not forgive him if this was not discussed previously with you.

(in reply to Redsunderrule)

Post #: 2

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/27/2014 1:16:17 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
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I'm not a master, but the same good rule of thumb can apply here as it does in "regular" relationships. If he cheated on her with you, he will most likely cheat again ON you with someone else. Personally, IMO, he's already shown you how trustworthy he is.

"Don't ask, don't tell" is just another way of saying "what you don't know won't hurt you". Which is another way of saying, when you find out, it will hurt you.

< Message edited by windchymes -- 4/27/2014 1:18:54 PM >

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RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/27/2014 1:30:41 PM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
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I'm a sub, Master and I made a commitment to each other. If he cheated on me it would be a definite deal breaker. I could forgive him (in time) but I would not continue on in a relationship with him.

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Post #: 4

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/27/2014 1:32:40 PM

Bucephalus

Posts: 93
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If it's something you can work through, that is up to you. However, he explicitly told you that you that you were his only submissive, and you come to find he had another. That, in my opinion, is very much cheating. I find that in itself deplorable and unbecoming of anyone, regardless of kink. Then he proceeds to basically tell you to get over it, rather than attempt to work through it, is just as horrible. It's akin to victim blaming, to me. I would not put up with it. It's disgusting behaviour and unbecoming on anyone, especially a dominant, someone that you should have the most trust in. He fully betrayed your trust, and I personally would not trust him again if I had been in your shoes. I could never even begin to fathom putting my submissive through something like this.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 5

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/27/2014 3:16:19 PM

violettefemme

Posts: 11
Joined: 6/28/2013
Status: offline

I was in an M/s relationship for 6 years and we had an agreement that he could have others as long as I knew about them. 4 years into the relationship I found out that he had withheld the fact that he was regularly seeing a former girlfriend and had been for almost 2 years. I was crushed, and even though I stayed for another 2 years, much of that was me trying to 'be a good slave' and stick it out. The lie is what led to our breaking up, and I honestly wish that I hadnt given him those last 2 years because it was never, ever the same. Even though we tried, I just couldnt trust him. Take from this what you will.

< Message edited by violettefemme -- 4/27/2014 3:17:26 PM >

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Post #: 6

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/27/2014 4:11:21 PM

Killerangel

Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Redsunderrule

I have had a Master for over two years. He is my second Master so not that experienced but I am a submissive and love being one. We developed a serious bond..emotional and physical. I love him..both Man and Master. He told me frequently how much he loved and needed me and I was the only submissive he needed.
Well then the bomb hit when I found that an acquaintance of mine is also his submissive and had been for three years. She did not know of me either. Fun times when we found out..NOT!! Well of course Master did his best at damage control but he lost my friend..and is on the verge of losing me.
He thinks we can just start over..and develop trust again. I am not so sure. Trusting your Master is for me the kindpin of the relationship. How can you surrender yourself totally when the man has no honor?? Don't ask Don't Tell doesn't hurt anybody he says..well I beg to differ.
I would love to hear from other Masters on this scenario.

Trust is transactional, your transactions with him have been shown to be built on lies. He could possibly start over and start building up trust transactions that are honest, but he doesn't seem to be interested in that as he's not doing any work to make things better. He seems to want to just jump back in the saddle and have everyone ignore that he was a douche. The Don't Ask Don't Tell reference on his part seems lazy, shallow and very convenient.

If he wants trust he'll have to earn it as he's damaged the trust you already had in him. It'll take time. He'll have to work at it. If he's not interested in doing those things then let him go, why would you want someone that only wants you if you don't cause him any fuss and will let him get back to business as usual without having him address what wrongs he has perpetrated?

(in reply to Redsunderrule)

Post #: 7

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/27/2014 4:27:43 PM

DominantWoman65

Posts: 386
Joined: 6/27/2013
Status: offline

OP my advice to you would be to think with your head instead of your heart, and I know that is easier said than done. This man not only cheated but he also lied. I understand that in time you may forgive but you will never forget his transgressions and in my experience I could never have the same level of trust as before. Search yourself to see if you can ever learn to trust him again and what the relationship will mean to you. Will it be healthy and fulfilling? Will you be happy?
He has shown you the value of his worth, don't you think you deserve better than that?

Edited for spelling

< Message edited by DominantWoman65 -- 4/27/2014 4:30:04 PM >

(in reply to Killerangel)

Post #: 8

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/27/2014 7:27:49 PM

Redsunderrule

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/26/2014
Status: offline

Thank you all for the advise. I don't know if I was looking for reasons to stay or reasons to go. He is the first Master I have totally and completely let down the walls for and submitted. He took an innocent and molded her..and then showed her there is no honor in t he lifestyle. He that always touted the way Master's should be. I know he is not what he seemed..and my head tells me I must go. As does my body as the walls are going up. Why is it so hard? I feel like I am losing part of me.
Frustrated with myself for my weakness. I know Masters are men too..but aren't they supposed to be superior men. How does one trust again??

(in reply to DominantWoman65)

Post #: 9

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/27/2014 7:40:48 PM

candisa

Posts: 127
Joined: 1/7/2008
Status: offline

trust is essential to growth. if someone chooses to lie, they have no respect for the relationship, or the person to whom they are lying to. I have had men lie to me straight to my face, it hurts but, more than that it kills any future prospects for growth. If a person will lie once, they will do it again, and again. Ethical standards are self imposed.

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respectfully,
candisa

Freely we serve, because we freely love, as in our will
To love or not; in this we stand or fall.

(in reply to Redsunderrule)

Post #: 10

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/27/2014 8:02:50 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
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The entire text of the book How to Survive the Loss of a Love is here:

http://www.buildfreedom.com/content/books/survive/

You may find it helpful.

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(in reply to Redsunderrule)

Post #: 11

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/28/2014 3:03:17 AM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bucephalus

If it's something you can work through, that is up to you. However, he explicitly told you that you that you were his only submissive, and you come to find he had another. That, in my opinion, is very much cheating. I find that in itself deplorable and unbecoming of anyone, regardless of kink. Then he proceeds to basically tell you to get over it, rather than attempt to work through it, is just as horrible. It's akin to victim blaming, to me. I would not put up with it. It's disgusting behaviour and unbecoming on anyone, especially a dominant, someone that you should have the most trust in. He fully betrayed your trust, and I personally would not trust him again if I had been in your shoes. I could never even begin to fathom putting my submissive through something like this.

This is not simply a matter of mono/poly dealings where your Master should have been upfront with both you and his other submissive from the very start. Trust is like a mirror. Once shattered, it can never be put back together in the same pristine intact condition it used to be in.

You know and the rest of us can plainly see what a massive breach of trust this was that your Master committed, in addition to his sordid deceptions. He doesn't deserve a second chance, because he has already proved himself untrustworthy. Kick him to the curb. Do you have a place to go? Swallow your pride if you have to and move in with a relative or friend until you can get your bearings back again.

Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. There must have been warning signs that you chose to ignore. Resolve to yourself that you won't do that ever again. Decide whether the monogamy issue is a deal breaker to you or not, and if it is, then make it one of your Hard Limits. If it was already a Hard Limit, then this man knowingly violated your boundaries on a routine basis. What kind of Master does this? Not one deserving of that title by any stretch of the imagination.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Bucephalus)

Post #: 12

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/28/2014 5:11:21 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

A lot of good advice from everyone.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Redsunderrule
... I know he is not what he seemed..and my head tells me I must go. As does my body as the walls are going up. Why is it so hard? I feel like I am losing part of me.

I picked up on this bit because, like any first-time vanilla relationship, the old adage of "the first cut is the deepest" springs to mind.
And yes, you will get over it in time. Time is a great healer.

Cheating and lying are the worst things to break someone's trust.
To me, that trust never really heals once broken.

Get yourself out of the situation so you can see things much clearer, then work on yourself.
There will be someone out there that isn't such an asshat. Trust me!

(in reply to Redsunderrule)

Post #: 13

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/28/2014 5:17:00 AM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

You're not asking for advice, OP -- you're seeking validation. There's no question mark really in your thread title.

Live and learn. Next.

(in reply to Redsunderrule)

Post #: 14

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/28/2014 5:45:37 AM

Bucephalus

Posts: 93
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bucephalus

If it's something you can work through, that is up to you. However, he explicitly told you that you that you were his only submissive, and you come to find he had another. That, in my opinion, is very much cheating. I find that in itself deplorable and unbecoming of anyone, regardless of kink. Then he proceeds to basically tell you to get over it, rather than attempt to work through it, is just as horrible. It's akin to victim blaming, to me. I would not put up with it. It's disgusting behaviour and unbecoming on anyone, especially a dominant, someone that you should have the most trust in. He fully betrayed your trust, and I personally would not trust him again if I had been in your shoes. I could never even begin to fathom putting my submissive through something like this.

This is not simply a matter of mono/poly dealings where your Master should have been upfront with both you and his other submissive from the very start. Trust is like a mirror. Once shattered, it can never be put back together in the same pristine intact condition it used to be in.

Oh believe me, I know this, and I agree, don't misunderstand me. I believe she should kick him to the curb, but in the end, regardless of what our opinions may be, the decision is up to her on what she should do.

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 15

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/28/2014 9:13:46 AM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

Dump him. Once a cheat, always a cheat.

(in reply to Redsunderrule)

Post #: 16

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/28/2014 9:33:31 AM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

I can't tell you what the right decision for you is because only you can determine that, OP.

What I do know is that trust and a person's heart are very fragile and need to be handled with care. Once these two things are broken, they are never the same as they once were. Only you can decide just how valuable your heart and your trust are. And whether or not this person (not my first choice of nouns to describe him) is worthy of that.

For me personally, Id have dropped his ass in a heartbeat.

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)

Post #: 17

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/28/2014 1:05:35 PM

Redsunderrule

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/26/2014
Status: offline

I am done with him..and ty all. I had nowhere to go to discuss this. This was not the man I thought he was..and not the Master he touted himself to be. Funny..he is on CM giving instructions on what a good Master should be. He always said ..trust me..I will do no harm..not to your head..heart..or body. Well two out of three// lol..I will survive this darkness..but admit will be afraid to try again. I think vanilla is easier..imho D/s is so much more intimate and bonded and beautiful. But hurts so damn much when ripped apart.
Who said "The Best Revenge Is to Be Happy"?? I will try that..soon..

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

Post #: 18

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/28/2014 1:54:23 PM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Redsunderrule
Who said "The Best Revenge Is to Be Happy"?? I will try that..soon..

Revenge is best served cold.
I'm glad you've dumped him - and good riddance.
Leave him out in the cold where he belongs.

(in reply to Redsunderrule)

Post #: 19

RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/28/2014 2:29:51 PM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Redsunderrule

I am done with him..and ty all. I had nowhere to go to discuss this. This was not the man I thought he was..and not the Master he touted himself to be. Funny..he is on CM giving instructions on what a good Master should be. He always said ..trust me..I will do no harm..not to your head..heart..or body. Well two out of three// lol..I will survive this darkness..but admit will be afraid to try again. I think vanilla is easier..imho D/s is so much more intimate and bonded and beautiful. But hurts so damn much when ripped apart.
Who said "The Best Revenge Is to Be Happy"?? I will try that..soon..

You made the right move, my dear. We'll be rooting for you and for your future happiness.

If you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to PM me on the other side. We gals gotta stick together.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Redsunderrule)

Post #: 20

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