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RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/28/2014 5:45:58 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Good on you, OP! There are morons who talk the "DOMINANT talk" and there are those who walk the dominant walk. I'll take the one who walks it any day of the week. Just know that not every dominant is like this ass clown is and it's possible to have everything you have ever wanted

(in reply to Redsunderrule)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/29/2014 3:03:05 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		There are people here capable of poly relationships with all parties aware and consenting. Your example is no Master.

That said, how could he maintain two relationships for two years? Was this online?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/30/2014 8:25:40 AM   
Redsunderrule


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/26/2014
Status: offline 		Thank you..I love this book. It will be of much help.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/30/2014 8:32:05 AM   
Redsunderrule


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/26/2014
Status: offline 		No..he has stamina I guess We did not live together..his choice. Now I see why. I saw him on frequent evenings and weekends. I guess when I wasn't there she was and vice versa. I got the majority of his time..newer I guess. I am just glad we both know now. Very embarrassing and hurtful to be used like that. You feel stupid for sure.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/30/2014 2:50:56 PM   
lostinsubbiespac


Posts: 1
Joined: 4/25/2014
Status: offline 		I am a submissive, I have been in a d/s relationship with my only ever master, he has cheated on me from the very beginning, we argued I forgave him, he did it again and again, I forgave himagain and again always with his ex sub, he left me for a week to visit his father!! no I spy private eye made up a false name and found he was cheating again.
We lived and worked togeather for 8 years, the constant niggle in my mind of was he calling her, seeing her, lying to me again. It wears you out, constantly checking up on him.What im saying is it has taken me 8 years to realise my submission is a beautiful gift to be treasured,never once did I cheat,finally I found the strenghth to leave him which meant leaving my job and my home, a massive destruction to my life, but not as devastating as staying to be cheated on again!
since the split ive had every apology under the sun, yet I knw hes looking for another victim, he has even offered to just be my play partner with no ties !!lol.
What im saying is im 46, no young novice here, it NEVER gets better, once a cheat/liar always a cheat, I have wasted so much time forgiving him it makes me so angry, but what I said to him was that he had a true sub it was his choice to cheat. DONT forgive in the end you will recover, its been 2 weeks since I left him and the empty void is awful, but I wont go back, I deserve better and so do you xx

(in reply to Redsunderrule)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 4/30/2014 5:25:51 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Redsunderrule

No..he has stamina I guess We did not live together..his choice. Now I see why. I saw him on frequent evenings and weekends. I guess when I wasn't there she was and vice versa. I got the majority of his time..newer I guess. I am just glad we both know now. Very embarrassing and hurtful to be used like that. You feel stupid for sure.



We see what we want to see sometimes and avoid seeing what we don't. Do not beat yourself up! He is the one that lied and betrayed... He owns that! Not you!

Naturally it is hurtful and you will learn from it I am sure. Take the lessons learned and move on. You will be stronger in the end.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Redsunderrule)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 5/1/2014 2:32:10 AM   
LordHeimdall


Posts: 33
Joined: 4/27/2014
From: NW Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Redsunderrule

I think vanilla is easier..imho D/s is so much more intimate and bonded and beautiful. But hurts so damn much when ripped apart.


I hope this does not mean you are thinking of returning to a vanilla lifestyle. My Sub and I lived almost 23 years in a vanilla lifestyle. The past 10 years almost sexless. My love for her would never let me go out and cheat on her, but the choice of no sex was mine because vanilla sex was not exciting enough for me to hold an erection.

Now we have only been doing D/S for about a week, but I am able to complete multiple erections per day and she has told me that she is enjoying it because she is getting far more attention from me than she ever has. I would have to say that goes hand in hand with as you said, "much more intimate and bonded and beautiful."

Please do yourself a favor, find yourself a new master that will love and treasure you as he ought to. My heart goes out to you.

_____________________________

Heimdall, Lord only to one.

(in reply to Redsunderrule)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 5/1/2014 7:22:29 AM   
imtempting


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		When you take the D/s part out, it's just a normal relationship. If one party is not getting what they want, it's time to move on. Annoys me to read subs being upset and not getting what they want from the relationship with the thought pattern "I'm a sub, I can't be happy".

Load of utter crap.

(in reply to LordHeimdall)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 5/1/2014 3:51:10 PM   
OriginalRebel


Posts: 93
Joined: 4/18/2014
Status: offline 		I'm sorry this has happened but I'm glad you found out. I know how making that decision to leave is so, so difficult. When I found out my partner had another long term partner my heart was broken. When I discovered, from the emails he sent her, that he used the same loving words with her that he used with me, I felt utterly betrayed and ended the relationship. When he begged me to stay and told me how stupid he was and how sorry he was, I very nearly gave in because like you say, leaving is like losing a part of you. Just tossing away all those beautiful things that happened isn't easy. I didn't stay and for two years I licked my wounds before coming out of the other side. The one thing I've never felt is bitter because bitterness eats away at you but oh boy, did my friends convince me that I should feel bitter. I often think, if we had planned and lived out a poly relationship we would probably still be very happily together but at the time I was very against such things.

Had your man ever talked about poly relationships? and if so how did you react? The reason I ask is, men and women are very capable of loving more than one lover.

I also believe that just because a man tells more than one woman that he 'loves her, adores her and desires her, does NOT make his love for you any less genuine. He is not necessarily 'playing' in terms of acting, nor does it mean he is using people in some sort of pretend 'game' where he doesn’t care about their feelings.

He went behind your back and in most monogamous relationships and poly ones for that matter, that's a serious relationship crime that usually doesn't end well. Put the secret affair to one side for a moment and consider the possibility that he was simply expressing REAL multiple desires or love to two women and he is in fact capable of feeling the emotion of love or desire for two women. Society very much dictates the values for normal relationships and many of us adhere to those values. The majority of people will accept what society tell them. On here for example, most people are shocked and telling you to rid yourself of him because he's a liar and a cheat and you could never trust him again.

I consider there could be more than one result.

(in reply to imtempting)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 5/2/2014 7:56:42 AM   
Redsunderrule


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/26/2014
Status: offline 		Ok..I am surprised by your viewpoint but I get it. I do not believe he did not care for me..or want me..or appreciate me. But he was not honorable and was a coward. Not traits I want in a Dominant I am giving all to. We did discuss poly..and I had no problem with it. Unfortunately he started the relationship with the lie and continued it. He trapped himself and he did not want to lose either most likely. But the point is he put all in doubt..everything that had been done and said..and I can't live with the doubt.
I am secure enough to be in a poly relationship but not secure enough to again a trust a liar and coward..Shame because I so loved him..

(in reply to OriginalRebel)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 5/2/2014 10:11:17 AM   
OriginalRebel


Posts: 93
Joined: 4/18/2014
Status: offline 		Then he had no excuse. Few women will accept poly but you put that opportunity right within his grasp and he still made the decision to go behind your back. Unfortunately some people get off on the secrecy of cheating and that is why some men and women who are in poly or open relationships will still have a secret lover. Personally I could never trust such a person, especially someone I had invested so much of myself in.

I wish you well and hope you find the future happiness you deserve

Rebs

(in reply to Redsunderrule)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 5/2/2014 1:52:14 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Redsunderrule

..Shame because I so loved him..


I think you were in love with the idea of him or a narrow reality of him at most. Unfortunately the idea of him was not the reality and a lot pain ensued when that became clear.

I think a lot of people do that, I know I did.. We fall for an idea of a person and well life has a way of showing us reality whether we like it or not. It's rather painful and doesn't do so good to ones ego in those situations. We second guess ourselves and wonder how we could of missed some obvious red flags that we now see in hindsight. But, if we keep our wits about us, we can move on and learn from the experience. Hopefully we learn else we are doomed to repeat it again.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Redsunderrule)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 5/2/2014 3:17:46 PM   
Redsunderrule


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/26/2014
Status: offline 		I am sure there were red flags..careful as he was. I don't remember them but also never felt totally confident of him. What he does now..he will always do. His reasons..who knows? He once told me he is not a bad man..he just makes bad decisions sometimes. Well hell yeah!! I will continue on in the lifestyle because it is who I am..but I will be changed..hopefully for the better..


(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 5/2/2014 3:42:42 PM   
Maybeher


Posts: 31
Joined: 4/2/2013
Status: offline 		Im there too but I saw every single so I can't blame him fully. Lol it was like the other poster "do what you want just tell me" lol the tell me part never happened but strangers sure did and usually had evidence. even lied to a few times with the evidence right in front me.
They dont realize hiding and lying and jumping at every thing with a pussy isn't control or dominance its being inauthentic. I thought coming to the lifestyle would mean the men were honest and upfront LOL seems theyre more afraid than vanilla. In their mind they're still vanilla "having more is wrong so let me hide it but she better not dare and if she finds out I'll blame her or the other sub" lol. Its sad because they hurt themselves and look weak. I hope it's not the same guy. But you can almost bet you two weren't the only ones.

_____________________________

If you ask someone for something... You're admitting that they have it.

(in reply to Redsunderrule)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 5/2/2014 4:49:53 PM   
BecomingV


Posts: 916
Joined: 11/11/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Redsunderrule
Ok..I am surprised by your viewpoint but I get it. I do not believe he did not care for me..or want me..or appreciate me.


Reds, This ^^^ concerns me enough to mention. As you move forward, with that hurting heart of yours, (hugs) what does your future love relationship look like?

What does "care for me" look like? sound like? feel like?

What does "desire for me" look like? sound like? feel like?

What does "appreciates me" look like? sound like? feel like?

If you take a few minutes to close your eyes and answer each of these questions, ^^^ I would guess that what you believe love is, is NOT what you just experienced.

Reality check - liars are unknown beings, even unto themselves. I'm sorry to be blunt, but I feel it may get through in a way that helps. If I wanted to know who this guy was, I would not ask the person he lied to and harmed, for years, to tell me about him. I'd look for someone who knew him.

The good news is that your true love lies ahead, if you ready yourself for a deep and intimate connection.

ETA- There's an old adage about having to clean out the closets to make room for new... It's in that spirit I say these things. Letting go of the idea that this harmful experience was love is going to have to happen if you want to clear the path for true love to exist. If that was love, and you want love again... how can you help but end up in the same pain again? Accept the healing pain of not only letting go of him (as you wrote you have now done), but also letting go of the illusion. Painful, yes, but at least self-acceptance can put that kind of pain in the past.

All the best!




< Message edited by BecomingV -- 5/2/2014 4:57:08 PM >

_____________________________

Talk about loving travel!!! My BDSM journey to Switch took me to these places...
Previously known as:
sub - TwoHeartsBeatOne
Domme - Lady Q

(in reply to Redsunderrule)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 5/3/2014 3:27:22 AM   
LordHeimdall


Posts: 33
Joined: 4/27/2014
From: NW Indiana
Status: offline 		I wasn't saying not to leave him... He broke your trust, and once broken that can never truly be restored.

I was just saying I hoped you wouldn't give up on the rewarding aspects of a BDSM lifestyle. Go out, find a new lover, one that will communicate with you properly, and preferably with the full dynamics of the BDSM D/S relationship that you had. It is more intimate.

Do not throw out the Bath with the Bath water.

_____________________________

Heimdall, Lord only to one.

(in reply to BecomingV)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 5/5/2014 8:01:53 PM   
Redsunderrule


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/26/2014
Status: offline 		You know..my mind is totally filled with tears and misery. I shut my eyes and don't know the answer to those questions..because what I thought I knew was a lie. I was used..not loved and cared for and desired. Hard to admit..and you feel stupid and naive..but true. Even now I think back and want to argue. It seemed so real..and special. Perhaps what I wanted to believe..needed to believe. It will take a lot of time..before I can trust myself again..much less trust someone else.

(in reply to LordHeimdall)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 5/6/2014 5:13:55 AM   
lilcracker


Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Redsunderrule

Thank you all for the advise. I don't know if I was looking for reasons to stay or reasons to go. He is the first Master I have totally and completely let down the walls for and submitted. He took an innocent and molded her..and then showed her there is no honor in t he lifestyle. He that always touted the way Master's should be. I know he is not what he seemed..and my head tells me I must go. As does my body as the walls are going up. Why is it so hard? I feel like I am losing part of me.
Frustrated with myself for my weakness. I know Masters are men too..but aren't they supposed to be superior men. How does one trust again??

Just because someone uses the label Master or Dom or King of Trust does not make them any more honorable or superior than anyone else; underneath it all they are still human beings. How do you trust again? Easy give someone a chance without carrying all the baggage from another relationship into it. Over the years I had my share of men (vanilla and Dom) who lied cheated and left me an emotional mess....but I was really up front with my partner this time...I told him my ground rules...I will do anything you ask me to do within reason...(time has shown him what is reasonable and what is not), Don't ever mess with my money (he now controls the finances in the household and has custody of my debit card more than I do and bills get paid and we never go without anything) and don't lie to me (and YES there are times I worry that he might be but with time my worries abate when the truth comes out and I find there was no reason for my worries and if I ask straight out he will either tell me or say it's not the time to discuss it but he doesn't lie about it when he probably could and get away with it for a time anyway). He KNOWS I worry at times about his honesty...and it has nothing to do with him...he knows of my past and knows why I worry...betrayal of trust has happened to him as well so he understands it but with communication and not carrying all the baggage from the past we are able to work past it.

It takes TIME to get to this point....I think trust just doesn't magically happen just like lies take time to surface. Don't expect instant trust, work towards it...it is my belief that a good relationship (vanilla or otherwise) starts with two people working towards the same goal.

Most of all remember underneath it all...Dom or not they are NOT superior to anyone else...they are just men. My partner was a complete vanilla when I met him, although he had a dom personality...I doubt he will ever label himself Dom....but to me he is superior to a lot of the labeled Dom's I have met online. With that said....I know he is NOT perfect...."I'll be home in 10 minutes" is always more like 30 minutes...but I love his perfect imperfections.

(in reply to Redsunderrule)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 5/6/2014 12:07:50 PM   
LordHeimdall


Posts: 33
Joined: 4/27/2014
From: NW Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lilcracker

Just because someone uses the label Master or Dom or King of Trust does not make them any more honorable or superior than anyone else; underneath it all they are still human beings. How do you trust again? Easy give someone a chance without carrying all the baggage from another relationship into it.





Lilcracker,

Thank you for making a good example of what I was trying to express to Reds. I do not have the life's experience to say so elegantly and with such heartfelt conviction what you have said.

First and foremost, I am a man, that does my best to walk on the level with all mankind, and keep all my actions circumscribed with all mankind. Since I was a boy I grew up learning the Code of the Boy Scouts, the Law that one must be Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean and Reverent. I've carried these precepts on into my adult life, and find people that act as Reds has described as deplorable .

In honesty, I don't achieve all of the Scout Laws now . I could be thriftier with my money, but I manage to oversee the expenses fairly well for myself and my Sub, treating her to and myself to gifts along the way when perhaps it would be wiser not to... I am not always as kind as I could be, especially when I feel someone has acted as a TWIT or MORON and I decide to jerk them up by the short hairs... (Falls back to a Warrior/Viking mentality as well ). But to this day I try to help someone if I see them in need, am loyal to my friends, offer friendship until it is rejected, Stand without fear in anything I undertake, and give reverence to my understanding of Diety. The Scouts would argue my cleanliness as I'm posting in a KINK Forum, but I believe I keep myself clean of thought as well body... And for me, the most important of all. Trustworthiness and Honesty. Above all else, I do my utmost to do what I say I will do and do not knowingly violate my word. I am forgetful. I may say I will get the milk and then forget, which is why I usually give a caveat of 'I'll try to get the milk ' or 'I'll see about doing' such and such ...

I know that if I exist, others must. You are right. We are not perfect, no matter how much we might try. In some way we will fail some how in some small way, but men like me will not fail women in the most important manner. We WILL remain TRUE to OUR woman.

And so I say to you again Reds. Do not give up. My heart aches for you. I wish I could offer you more solace than that, but for now I can only offer my deepest sympathy.

_____________________________

Heimdall, Lord only to one.

(in reply to lilcracker)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Betrayal of trust?? - 5/8/2014 8:49:44 AM   
Masterntn


Posts: 14
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline 		Poly relationships are not uncommon in this lifestyle but not disclosing this upfront was wrong. Trust is a key role in this and everything should be discussed upfront. Once agreed upon though, then you release that control to him and cannot argue that point again. It sounds as if he was simply out for the kink and has no desire for the real power exchange. I would cut my losses and find someone who will respect you.

(in reply to Redsunderrule)
Profile   Post #: 40
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