Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know you" phase

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Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know you... - 7/10/2006 5:33:14 AM

JessieMe

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Joined: 6/5/2006
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I am in the unenviable position of having to search for a Dom since the breakup of my last one. There are many lessons that not only have I learned this time around (finally) but fully expect to actually try to implement this time around. In all the times I "thought" I had found someone only to find I really hadnt or that it just didnt work out, I never lost my ability to trust the next one that came along. I am coming to almost hate the part of myself that responds so instinctually to a dominant demeanor with my own submissiveness. I have become a trap to myself and this time I am finding that I am putting up more boundaries.. the problem is.. each time I put up a boundary, I feel like I am training myself NOT to be submissive and I feel like I am attempting to kill a part of myself that I am also looking to have fulfilled.

I guess if I have an actual "question" it is this..How do I allow myself the ability to have "boundaries" during the time of courtship without feeling like I want to curl up and die (figuratively not literally) each time I tell a perspective dominant "I cannot allow this to to happen at this time".

As you post your responses please note that I am not looking for the standard "If a dom wont respect your limits he is not worth the spit you toss to the sidewalk" type responses.. My question has to do with dealing with my own feelings.. not someone elses actions. Thank you.

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

Post #: 1

RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 5:38:20 AM

subedana

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Wow, do I so know where you are comming from Jessie. The only thing I could do was remind myself daily not to let go of my boundries this time around. I even put it on a note pad on my pc and repeated it to myself almost like a montra.

(in reply to JessieMe)

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RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 5:42:05 AM

JessieMe

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You know..thats not a bad idea dana.. thanks!

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

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Post #: 3

RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 5:52:44 AM

subedana

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You're welcome. Hell, girl I still do it eventhough I've been with Jim over 5 years now. lol.

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RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 6:05:55 AM

irishbynature

Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JessieMe

I am in the unenviable position of having to search for a Dom since the breakup of my last one. There are many lessons that not only have I learned this time around (finally) but fully expect to actually try to implement this time around.

I guess if I have an actual "question" it is this..How do I allow myself the ability to have "boundaries" during the time of courtship .......

I tell a perspective dominant "I cannot allow this to to happen at this time".

The part of your post that stuck out the most for me was, "I cannot allow this to happen at this time"...partly because I know that feeling. For me, it is the fear of getting hurt or not having the ability to set all the boundaries needed if the need arises because of the past hurt. (if that makes any sense?)

Am I hitting the mark or am I completely off?
Warmly,
Irishbynature

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to JessieMe)

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RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 6:18:35 AM

JessieMe

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Joined: 6/5/2006
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For me it is a matter of not "giving my all" in order to show a perspective dominant how submissive I am capable of being..I know I do this.. foolish or not.. and then when it doesnt work out..its kind of a feeling of "if anyone can take it at any time.. how does it become special to the one who would keep it?" I think this is more what I struggle with.. I am HORRIBLE at setting and keeping boundaries but I also realize the cost to myself emotionally if I dont start doing so.

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to irishbynature)

Post #: 6

RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 6:23:23 AM

irishbynature

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JessieMe

I am HORRIBLE at setting and keeping boundaries but I also realize the cost to myself emotionally if I dont start doing so.

Ah, gotcha! I have to admit, I struggle with saying, "No" as well. I ponder whether it is a boundary issue or the submissive in me that is giving? Sometimes, I just respond, "HARD LIMIT!" (A sneaky way of gettting out of saying "nope"....)

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to JessieMe)

Post #: 7

RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 6:29:28 AM

CrappyDom

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From: Sacramento
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Embrace those boundaries! Doing so is what is going to make sure the next relationship is with someone who will be there with you and you will want there with you for far longer than any of your previous relationships.

It is counter-intuitive, but the more you send packing, the more you stick to your guns, the larger and better pool of people you will be picking from.

I push, I push hard but I can do so and not violate boundaries. If they guy bails because you stick to your boundaries, what sort of partner do you think he is going to be?

(in reply to irishbynature)

Post #: 8

RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 6:35:54 AM

JessieMe

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Joined: 6/5/2006
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[/quote]

Sometimes, I just respond, "HARD LIMIT!" (A sneaky way of gettting out of saying "nope"....)

[/quote]

While I understand you say this with a bit of tonuge in cheek.. I am very careful at using the "hard limit" code.. I have a very definite definition of what this means and to use it in any sort of less defined way..would tend to make the actual hard limits a bit less hard. For me.. hard limit is something that would cause physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual trauma. I have VERY few hard limits.. but to me.. they are about as hard as you can get.. But I do get what you were trying to say

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to irishbynature)

Post #: 9

RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 6:39:41 AM

JessieMe

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Joined: 6/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

I push, I push hard but I can do so and not violate boundaries. If they guy bails because you stick to your boundaries, what sort of partner do you think he is going to be?

He will be the same sort of partner I have always had.. LOL>.. But CD.. since you raised this ...one question.. at what point do you "push and push hard"? And what is your true reaction when she says.. I am sorry but I cant do this? Do you do it only when you are face to face or do you do this when you are still in a conversational getting to know you stage?? (ok so it was more than one question)

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 10

RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 6:43:46 AM

irishbynature

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The best thing Jessie....it does appear that you have more of a hold on what your needs are based on your replies! I think you'll do just fine when the time is right for you!
Warmly,
Irish

< Message edited by irishbynature -- 7/10/2006 6:44:27 AM >

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to JessieMe)

Post #: 11

RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 6:48:17 AM

irishbynature

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Joined: 5/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

Embrace those boundaries! Doing so is what is going to make sure the next relationship is with someone who will be there with you and you will want there with you for far longer than any of your previous relationships.

OK CD...then you say...............

I push, I push hard but I can do so and not violate boundaries. If they guy bails because you stick to your boundaries, what sort of partner do you think he is going to be?

??????

If I understand you correctly, you are saying, "Hold those boundaries...but I will push and push your limits (Boundaries).....

Wouldn't pushing be the same as asking your sub to change limits?

Just asking

Irish

_____________________________

What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 12

RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 6:56:50 AM

CrappyDom

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From: Sacramento
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If you believe that your boundaries are the only things that one can push against, you haven't been with enough people.

Do you get nervous? Do you get embarassed or shy? Trust me, a talented person can find places to push you without violating your boundaries.

Imagine making a beautiful woman who takes pride and a bit of self worth out of dressing well and having her meet you in wrinkled clothes and no makeup in a high end bar.

I didn't mean I brought along a minor and a dog just to test how far she is willing to go.

(in reply to irishbynature)

Post #: 13

RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 6:58:33 AM

Caretakr

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Set them as probationary to trust.

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RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 6:59:11 AM

heartfeltsub

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i have often wondered the same thing as the OP and it really was nice to see the Dominant perspective on this. Thank you CD

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 15

RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 8:02:00 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
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From: Scranton, PA
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I may misunderstand the question, but I think setting and sticking to these boundaries could be very difficult because they are moving targets depending on where you are in the "getting to know you" phase of a relationship. As I understand it, you are talking about things you want to do in a relationship but just don't want to be doing prematurely, kinda like "I won't fuck on the first date but I will on the 3rd".

Perhaps the way to look at these things isn't as "boundaries", but as increments along a scale. Early in the relationship you may go to "1"; a little later you'll allow yourself to go to "4" . . . and if a real relationship develops you'll open up and go to "10". So they aren't boundaries at all, and it could be better to look at it as a function of timing.

The thing is that your dom will see these arbitrary limits you place upon yourself and he'll push against them. No problem if you say "no" early on -- that's the way these mating dances work, and the next time you'll probably want to say "yes". The problem can arise if he expects "10" while you're only ready for "3"; that can be a sign that he's more interested in scoring than than developing something longer term.

(in reply to JessieMe)

Post #: 16

RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 8:30:59 AM

sapphirepleasure

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Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
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This is a great question, JessieMe, and one I'm facing myself as I am in the process of leaving my first (training) Master and relocating across the country. I have been corresponding with 3 or 4 dominants at the new location and would like to meet each of them in person before I decide which one (if any) I want to serve.

The challenge is that I (like you expressed) have always had big trouble with boundaries, especially with dominant men. In fact I've only met three doms in person and two of the three ordered me to strip within minutes of being alone and of course I did. (In one case it led to a horribly traumatic and degrading 'scene' that I allowed to continue because I was scared and thought I didn't have the right to stop it, or worse things would happen.)

My training dom tells me that 'dating' is rare in the D/s scene. Apparently expectations are different because of the power exchange and the intense desires at play. I just want to be able to take my time discerning who I really 'click' with before I surrender because I'd like this to be a long term situation but I don't want to offend anyone in the process, and one dom who I haven't yet met is acting pretty territorial about me already.

So I'll be watching this thread with interest. Very timely.

(in reply to JessieMe)

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RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 9:50:41 AM

JessieMe

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Joined: 6/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

I may misunderstand the question, but I think setting and sticking to these boundaries could be very difficult because they are moving targets depending on where you are in the "getting to know you" phase of a relationship. As I understand it, you are talking about things you want to do in a relationship but just don't want to be doing prematurely, kinda like "I won't fuck on the first date but I will on the 3rd".

Perhaps the way to look at these things isn't as "boundaries", but as increments along a scale. Early in the relationship you may go to "1"; a little later you'll allow yourself to go to "4" . . . and if a real relationship develops you'll open up and go to "10". So they aren't boundaries at all, and it could be better to look at it as a function of timing.

The thing is that your dom will see these arbitrary limits you place upon yourself and he'll push against them. No problem if you say "no" early on -- that's the way these mating dances work, and the next time you'll probably want to say "yes". The problem can arise if he expects "10" while you're only ready for "3"; that can be a sign that he's more interested in scoring than than developing something longer term.

Good points.. thank you.. however.. where my boundaries are (due to overwhelming misuse in previous times) is I dont want to go to any form of play as long as you are not in my presence or I in yours. Its the ones who want to give the orders / expectations via phone or internet that I am REALLY butting heads against. However, again.. if I dont show some sort of willingness beforehand.. why would they want to meet me in real time ??? esp seeing as how so many are going to be long distance (which by the way is not my first choice but it just seems to be the way it is)

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to happypervert)

Post #: 18

RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 9:53:02 AM

JessieMe

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Joined: 6/5/2006
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I am soo glad that this thread is going to be helpful to others as well as me.. I almost hesitated to post it thinking it might come across as whining (which I SOOO hate in myself and try to avoid at all costs).

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 19

RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 9:58:42 AM

sapphirepleasure

Posts: 411
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From: Land of Enchantment
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... and I was worried I was starting to 'hijack' your thread, which is not my intention at all. I think you've just hit upon something so timely and pertinent (at least for me) that I am reading with interest.

I think, by the way, that if you explained to a prospective Dom that you are unwilling to begin taking orders until after you've met in person, and that it's a personal boundary that you have, perhaps explaining why, he wouldn't be so likely to be offended, and really ought not to be.

(in reply to JessieMe)

Post #: 20

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