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RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 8/30/2006 7:00:41 PM   
FirmhandKY


Posts: 8948
Joined: 9/21/2004
Status: offline 		deleted


< Message edited by FirmhandKY -- 8/30/2006 7:01:53 PM >

_____________________________

Some people are just idiots.

(in reply to kitty2MLoneWolf)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 8/30/2006 8:27:22 PM   
Homestead


Posts: 1005
Status: offline 		1. Look for the patterns that have lead you to grief in the past.
  They will repeat.

2. Identify the sorts of personnas that draw you in, catalogue thier quailities, pro and con.

3.. Examine you emotions from past situations. What were the bittons being pushed, can you see them?

4. List your deal breakers, behaviors you absolutely cannot tolerate without  it being destructive to you.

5. Tell your self what a happy future might entail. Just generalize, don't allow yourself to go into specific detail. That tends to create an internal model that many narrow your vision.

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 8/30/2006 8:35:58 PM   
SexyRed


Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure

The challenge is that I (like you expressed) have always had big trouble with boundaries, especially with dominant men.  In fact I've only met three doms in person and two of the three ordered me to strip within minutes of being alone and of course I did.  (In one case it led to a horribly traumatic and degrading 'scene' that I allowed to continue because I was scared and thought I didn't have the right to stop it, or worse things would happen.)

My training dom tells me that 'dating' is rare in the D/s scene.  Apparently expectations are different because of the power exchange and the intense desires at play.  I just want to be able to take my time discerning who I really 'click' with before I surrender because I'd like this to be a long term situation but I don't want to offend anyone in the process, and one dom who I haven't yet met is acting pretty territorial about me already. 

So I'll be watching this thread with interest.  Very timely.


I am sorry, but I will have to disagree with your "training dom". Why should dating be rare in the D/s scene? Is it not even more important to find compatibility in all areas before one indulgences in expressing desires, wants and needs? Wouldn't you have some sort of boundaries that are just intrinsic to letting someone get to know the real you, instead of letting it all hang out immediately?

I believe that telling too much too soon, expecting too much too soon or doing too much too soon, is a recipe for potential distaster.

It is precisely because the power exchange and intensity of desires that one needs to proceed carefully, to protect your body, heart, mind and soul.

_____________________________

A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead!


(in reply to sapphirepleasure)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 9/1/2006 6:42:50 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		When I've been in the "exploration" stage in the past I simply tell the potential sub;"When and if you've decided you'd like to be my submissive just start calling me "Sir."
"If you're not interested just tell me so.
I don't have a problem with boundaries in the "getting to know you" stage.

(in reply to SexyRed)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 9/4/2006 10:29:50 AM   
MasterofDiscipli


Posts: 18
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline 		Interesting question, jessie. Personally, I prefer to start softly in a new relationship. Even the most masochistic slave needs to develop trust in her Partner/Master, and the best way I have found over the years is to move slowly. There's nothing wrong in having to say 'more...harder' and a lot wrong with taking someone to tears and anguish before she's ready to go there.

Personally, I see it as an aspect of self-discipline for myself...

Not sure how you can make it work for you...perhaps ask your new Master to start out slowly with you during the initial getting to know you pre-meet. If S/He isn't prepared to do that, or abuses your trust, then you must decide whether you will tolerate it or not, but if you choose to stay, then you'll just have to accept it and stop complaining.

A younger sub of my acquaintance (she's the friend of  a sub I have been training) met a Master who whipped her to bleeding with a cat on their second meeting. she hated it, but she went back for more, hoping she could change him. That isn't going to happen...and my comment to her was...you keep going back, and he keeps whipping you til you bleed...it's your choice now, so stop whining. My own sub ended up with a very red bottom for telling me I was unkind. Kindness has nothing to do with it... she accepted a choice, and I am not going to unmake her choice.

M

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 9/4/2006 6:21:04 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

My training dom tells me that 'dating' is rare in the D/s scene.  Apparently expectations are different because of the power exchange and the intense desires at play.  I just want to be able to take my time discerning who I really 'click' with before I surrender because I'd like this to be a long term situation but I don't want to offend anyone in the process, and one dom who I haven't yet met is acting pretty territorial about me already. 


OK laundry list of comments here.

Dominants don't date: FALSE This dominant does.While I'm getting to know a sub before I decide that they are worthy of individual time and attention, Dating is probably the best label. But then I also don't play for at least 3-4 visits until I feel that I have a good grasp on who & what I'm dealing with. I encourage newbies not to play for at least the first 2 meets because of the exact issues you're bringing up.

The expectations in a relationship are different because of the power exchange: FALSE you've just been meeting pigs with no control of themselves. Say it with me NAH OH NO!!

I want to take my time until I click: Good thinking if your "trainer" is telling you differently you need to examine his motives. Is he there to help you or training you to be his?

If you have someone that's being territorial that you don't know See #2 NAH OH NO!!!  Block and move on, they can only be territorial and take advantage if you let them. Territorial of one that's not yours is a sign of either  a newbie without a clue or mental illness you don't want to play with.

quote:

Its the ones who want to give the orders / expectations via phone or internet that I am REALLY butting heads against. However, again.. if I dont show some sort of willingness beforehand.. why would they want to meet me in real time ??? esp seeing as how so many are going to be long distance (which by the way is not my first choice but it just seems to be the way it is)


Ok why are you worrying about the orders of a wanker on the other end of a computer? Unless you belong to them you aren't required to give them change for the bus home let alone your obedience.

Willingness to be a good sub and willingness to be a doormat are VERY VERY different. Personally I find one that wants to please every dominant desperate and unappealing, it's what they save specifically for me that makes them special. Phone sex, cyber, cam are not proving your willingness to "save yourself" for a special dominant.

Guys wanting to see you neked that are at a distance are likely not going to be serious about anything other than their self pleasure. Talking to someone at a distance as a friend or someone that you learn from or talk to is one thing, spending a lot of time neked so you can prove yourself "pleasing" is probably not the best way to locate a solid and responsible dominant. Look into a munch or get involved with your local community.




_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 9/4/2006 6:27:53 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JessieMe

quote:

ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure

I think, by the way, that if you explained to a prospective Dom that you are unwilling to begin taking orders until after you've met in person, and that it's a personal boundary that you have, perhaps explaining why, he wouldn't be so likely to be offended, and really ought not to be.



I do not disagree with you there.. however, as I said in the OP.. what I am attempting to do is work around my feelings as opposed to the Doms actions / reactions.. in other words.. why is this soo hard and why do I feel like its wrong to do so..


If you're serious about not having the ability or desire to say no. I would suggest therapy with a kink aware professional. If you feel like standing up for yourself is wrong you have bigger issues to figure out.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 9/4/2006 7:25:17 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Since I have received all of this input I have been angry at myself and at the doms who "put me in these positions of having to say no" (which I know is not factual but simply my view of it).

If D/s is consensual how are someone elses actions "making" you do anything? You must consent to be a door mat.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to kitty2MLoneWolf)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 9/4/2006 7:34:48 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kitty2MLoneWolf

Popeye,

I am the OP :)


WHAT?!?! How'd you go from I need to set limits to collared within a few days??

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to kitty2MLoneWolf)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 9/4/2006 7:35:45 PM   
WhippingPostNY


Posts: 46
Joined: 9/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

How do I allow myself the ability to have "boundaries" during the time of courtship without feeling like I want to curl up and die (figuratively not literally) each time I tell a perspective dominant "I cannot allow this to to happen at this time". 


Hello JessieMe,

You seem like a very sweet girl. 

One of the hardest things that I have ever had to accomplish in this life was accepting my own humanness.  In youth, I always held myself to such a high standard that I ended up becoming "wired-for-failure". 

I learned to accept, and even embrace those aspects of my self that were less than my own ideal, and in that process began to actually love myself.  The result of which was an ongoing self-caring.

You expressed yourself quite eloquently in your OP.  My suggestion would be to do the same with a perspective Dom. 

One of my favorite sayings (I collect quotes ;-) is; "You will know them by their fruits"

As you go through the courtship phase of a new relationship - putting your truth out there offers you certain strategic advantages within the process.  In other words - you get to see how your potential suitor handles you after the information is revealed.  That I think would be a most telling thing - if you are able to face the truth of his handling of it - and not be distracted by your own desires.

So, "In willingness ... all is lessons"!

There is nothing wrong with your "feelings".  They are natural, and neither right nor wrong.  They just are.  There is no need really to make them go away - or for them to be different.

It is the choices you make that matter the most.  The decisions.  (You will know when you have made a decision because an action will always flow from it.)

I suppose that these are the type of decisions that you may prefer to have your Dom make for you.  And that would be most appropriate when you are with one that is sensitive enough to place your own well being first.  Unfortunately, until you are in his loving protection and care - you are the adult that is responsible to manage your own well-being.  Being true to what you have learned thus far from your experiences is paramount to that responsibility.

One suggestion: You may find it helpful to use a trusted friend as a "sounding board" as you go through the courtship process.  Tell him or her your ideals in advance, and ask their assistance to help you remain true to yourself.  (They can only remind you ... the responsability is yours alone to stay true to yourself.)

You must do the things that you do not want to do to get the results that you want.

My very best wishes to you darling.

WP







_____________________________

In a bedroom locked ... whispers soft. Refusal. And then ... surrender.

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 9/5/2006 8:06:23 AM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		Ok.. I was going to edit the original post but it wont let me anymore so if you get to the bottom of the thread before posting please note:

This thread is being left up in the hopes that others who are dealing with this issue are helped by the advice in it.. I was helped in many ways by reading the advice and thoughts of others as I worked through this issue. I am now in a relationship with a poly family who amazingly were friends real time and did not even belong to this site. Talk about looking in the wrong places LOL.

I am grateful that the majority of posters were helpful but have to say honestly that "TheRose4U" seemed to have his own agenda in posting here. Hopefully this will not continue. Thank you to all the others who have kept the goal of teaching submissives how to find a balance in their search for a dominant. I am sure that they too will learn much from your postings.

jessie

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to WhippingPostNY)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 9/7/2006 6:08:39 AM   
aslv2kneel


Posts: 28
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline 		why is it because you have boundaries or "hard" limits - others try to intimate that you are insincere

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 9/9/2006 7:51:11 AM   
MojoHand


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/4/2006
Status: offline 		Hello Jessie,

It sounds like you already understand your "play-limits." But have trouble controlling your "emotional limits." In other words, you tend  to put your heart on the line when you meet someone interesting.

Although this may be difficult, maybe try practicing at "guarding your feelings" during a trial period with someone new. This doesn't mean you have to be cold toward them, just cautious about exposing your heart toward anyone that comes along. Try wearing a piece of jewelery that reminds you of your goal. Like anything else, this takes practice, practice, practice...

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 73
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