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RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 10:03:10 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		Actually, I can relate to your question very well Jessie, even though I'm coming from the other side of the whip.  This is one of those recurring issues that seems to plague a lot of people, and part of it can be blamed on how we do things.  What I mean is, many come into D/s and its like they forget how to date.

What I would suggest is that you take things in stages.

Begin as friends.  As friends you treat a dominant as a friend.  You may show some deference towards them, such as saying Sir or Ma'am, but it isn't necessary.  They have no right to order you about, but they can ask things of you and you have every right to say no to anything you are uncomfortable with.  While you should show them courtesy and they should do the same, meaning that as friends they should not be pushing you at all at this point.

From here you become closer friend or established friends.  Simply put, its a friendship that has had some time to become established, for each of you to earn some respect from the other and enough trust to open up a little.  And at that point that's exactly what is appropriate, you open up a little.  If you are interested in being more than just friends at some point you both should be expressing that, honestly but not aggressively.  I would consider it appropriate at that point to show more deference and more courtesy, and be willing to accept commands in small things.  But no more than that, you're just dipping your toes into the possibility of a future D/s relationship, not diving in.

If that goes well, then you can move on to dating, you open up more, things can become sexual, you start taking down your walls.  Its really no different at this point than dating in the vanilla world, except that there is some power exchange going on.

Assuming that goes well, you get serious.  Here's another grey area.  In the vanilla world you'd go steady, maybe become engaged.  We don't have a D/s equivalent of that.  Some try to do this with probationary collars, training collars, collars of consideration, etc.  In all honesty, a probationary collar that follows a period of dating to me seems a very appropriate and sensible way to take that next step.

And then comes a permanent collaring, the D/s equivalent of marriage.  Here though there is perhaps an option that the vanilla world doesn't have.  Contracts.  Its much more acceptable in D/s to agree to a contract with a limited term.  In other words, you're collared but only for, say, one year.  At the end of which you can renew if everyone agrees.  Its an option to consider and it leaves a graceful exit if the relationship doesn't work out.

Ultimately everyone has to work out how exactly this works for them.  I hope my suggestions help form a useful framework others can hang their ideas an personal preferences on.

But to answer your question directly, you keep your boundaries by accepting that it is not "all or nothing."  That building a relationship is a process that takes time, and that just as your trust is earned over time, so is your obedience.  No where is it written you must fall on your knees unconditionally right after "Hello..."

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 10:06:02 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		This can be hard in establishing ANY relationship, Ds or not. Boundary issues have nothing to do with kink and everything to do with being self-aware. I say this out of personal experience...I, too, am just getting to a point in my life where I'm being able to see some repetitive negative behaviors. Now, I can say, "Why am I doing this?" and really look at it. I'm also getting better at listening to my guides (who come to me in the form of "Grandfather"). Some people say this is listening to your gut.

The way to make sure I don't "sell myself" is for me to just go slow. Also, I've learned a GREAT deal about myself by reading "Sacred Contracts", especially focusing on the Prostitute archetype that we all have.

But, if you happen to not reach your goal the next time (or the next or next), have compassion for yourself. Learn a little each time. Baby steps ultimately get you there, too.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 10:07:43 AM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure

I think, by the way, that if you explained to a prospective Dom that you are unwilling to begin taking orders until after you've met in person, and that it's a personal boundary that you have, perhaps explaining why, he wouldn't be so likely to be offended, and really ought not to be.



I do not disagree with you there.. however, as I said in the OP.. what I am attempting to do is work around my feelings as opposed to the Doms actions / reactions.. in other words.. why is this soo hard and why do I feel like its wrong to do so..

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 11:02:47 AM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

This can be hard in establishing ANY relationship, Ds or not. Boundary issues have nothing to do with kink and everything to do with being self-aware. I say this out of personal experience...I, too, am just getting to a point in my life where I'm being able to see some repetitive negative behaviors. Now, I can say, "Why am I doing this?" and really look at it. I'm also getting better at listening to my guides (who come to me in the form of "Grandfather"). Some people say this is listening to your gut.

The way to make sure I don't "sell myself" is for me to just go slow. Also, I've learned a GREAT deal about myself by reading "Sacred Contracts", especially focusing on the Prostitute archetype that we all have.

But, if you happen to not reach your goal the next time (or the next or next), have compassion for yourself. Learn a little each time. Baby steps ultimately get you there, too.

Master Fire


You have really made some wonderful points and I thank you so much for your input. I will need to look up that book you recommended as I think it may help me to self identify my weaknesses also.

I must admit to being a bit disheartened by the last paragraph but can see how it may still take some errors before I actually "get it right with the right one"..but boy... I sure hope it wont be many more.

Thank you again.

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 11:04:16 AM   
aleshaDreams


Posts: 184
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		JessieMe, i am no Master, but from my perspective coming from the vanilla world into the lifestyle; setting boundaries was and has been a safety net, and in some fashion has a direction correlation to 'red flags' while being pursued.  Not that these boundaries could not change in time, but definately definitions of intolerances that i could not and would not accept.  They did allow me to set parameters and know the limits or standards to which were and/or are acceptable.  Not all a bad thing.  And, now after four years i am in consideration with One in which i feel comfortable enough to loosen these so called boundaries, as we continually build the foundation of trust though honesty hence can go forward together.  I personally do not believe boundaries are such a bad thing. 

< Message edited by aleshaDreams -- 7/10/2006 11:05:44 AM >

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 11:12:21 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		Jessie,

    In response to your addendum to sapphire, the reason is pretty straightforward, yet complicated even so.

    The reason why you are struggling with this is simply your intense submissiveness, which is what we dominants/Masters like to find.  The purer you exhibit this, the more you are prized and the more we want you.

    Having said that, it is then 'natural' for correspondence of many men to start instructing you, pseudo-dominating you, in emails, chat, and so forth.  When this happens with someone you don't find potentially creepy for some other reason, you being to respond true to your nature, and yield.  Personally for me, I don't consider this fair on their part, but (as I said) somewhat natural.

    Again, from the other perspective, I have decided to set those identical boundaries in my search.  I don't 'dom' someone in an initial email, and I try to keep all correspondence very light and informative and not sexual.  I tend not to even be prepared to play on a first meeting, much less play itself.

    I am careful for two reasons.  I don't feel it fair to create a tension that unhappily dissipates upon meeting when one or both parties don't find the physical 'spark' that gets generated simply through words or phone conversations.  More importantly, and to best answer your question, is what is implied in the expression 'power exchange' (which I've always considered more fairly a power vs. control exchange). 

    The submissive (you) grants the dominant (me) the ability to 'control' the proceedings during the exchange.  In return for this, you have the 'power' to begin or end the exchange.  Over time, you can obviously take away that barrier (the start and end points).  But for any new suitor, there should be NO power exchange until you have specifically granted the right.  Assumptions in email, phone, and even face-to-face meetings should not be allowed.

    This feels uncomfortable to you because you are submissive.  The more deeply so, the more discomfort you feel.  But, your first responsibility is to yourself.  You need to feel comfortable about your choice.  It might be the last one you are permitted (with any luck) if you are so inclined.  Therefore, your choice cannot be the wrong one.

    Hope this helps.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 11:22:20 AM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		Jeff,

I cannot even begin to explain the relief I felt upon reading your post. This is EXACTLY where my struggles are coming from. Now if only you could bottle the cure LOL...

" This feels uncomfortable to you because you are submissive.  The more deeply so, the more discomfort you feel.  But, your first responsibility is to yourself.  You need to feel comfortable about your choice.  It might be the last one you are permitted (with any luck) if you are so inclined.  Therefore, your choice cannot be the wrong one. "

This is the lesson that I need to learn now..

Thank you for your insight!

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 11:50:00 AM   
Seekingoneslave


Posts: 10
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline 		Jessie...
What I'm gathering here is that you're so geared toward wanting to please and desiring to submit to someone, that maybe you're not able or don't quite know how to put yourself first in the interim.

What others have said on here makes perfect sense. You're obviously not going to have a problem attracting a potential dom. Taking care of yourself and making certain that 1) that person is right for you and 2) you're not being taken advantage of isn't easy for you.

I would imagine you have friends in the lifestyle, some who are dom(me)s, some subs and maybe a switch or two. How do you act around them? Do you look out for yourself or do you put your friends first? When you meet someone (as others have said), try your best to look at it as the possibility of building a new friendship. It may go on from there, it may not.

Simply because you set and follow boundaries (which could later be changed) doesn't make you any less of a sub. It makes you cautious, selective and shows you can follow direction (even if it's your own in this case). I know it's not something you want to do, but it's something you need to do in order to put yourself in a situation where when you do find that right one, you'll both be as happy as you can be.

You wouldn't let just anyone into the most private parts of your life. You have to know first you can trust them. By having those boundaries and following them, you'll have a better indication.

It's tough for someone who has such an intense desire to serve to put herself first. It's a contradiction in some ways, but it's also something that needs to be done so you can eventually be where you want to be. In essence, you're doing something that down the road will allow you to better serve the person you're with. Kind of twisted logic, I know, but it's true.

You've obviously got a wonderful support group here, but if you'd ever like to talk, my door is always open.

Be patient and be true to yourself so that soon you'll be able to find that someone else to whom to devote yourself.

All my best...


(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 12:11:38 PM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JessieMe

I do not disagree with you there.. however, as I said in the OP.. what I am attempting to do is work around my feelings as opposed to the Doms actions / reactions.. in other words.. why is this soo hard and why do I feel like its wrong to do so..

That's simple Jessie, you, like any other submissive worth being called that, wants to please.  You want to make others happy, especially a prospective dominant.  That part of your nature wants to be set free to do exactly that.  The stress comes from the fact that you have to put the brakes on for awhile while establishing a relationship and exactly where it is going.  You want to submit, its almost a reflex.  But that dominant isn't your dom, not yet anyway, so you have to hold back.  If feels wrong because you are going counter to your own nature, for awhile anyway.

You made the comment about "what if anyone can take this at anytime... what makes it special"  What makes it special is that you choose to give it to one.  A lot of dominants may be able to evoke submissive feeling in you, and there may be several that can make you feel weak in the knees.  There's nothing wrong with that, but what makes it special, what makes you trustworthy, is that you choose just one to give your all too.  We all have emotions and we don't always control what we feel.  But we do control our actions, we are responsible for what we do.  You may feel submissive towards many, but you choose to act on that with only one.  That's special.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 12:16:11 PM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Seekingoneslave

Jessie...
What I'm gathering here is that you're so geared toward wanting to please and desiring to submit to someone, that maybe you're not able or don't quite know how to put yourself first in the interim.

This is absolutely true!

What others have said on here makes perfect sense. You're obviously not going to have a problem attracting a potential dom. Taking care of yourself and making certain that 1) that person is right for you and 2) you're not being taken advantage of isn't easy for you.

I would imagine you have friends in the lifestyle, some who are dom(me)s, some subs and maybe a switch or two. How do you act around them? Do you look out for yourself or do you put your friends first? When you meet someone (as others have said), try your best to look at it as the possibility of building a new friendship. It may go on from there, it may not.

I do not have "friends" per se but I do have acquaintances..Most of whom know me more as a switch in a more "domme" headspace when I am hanging out with them. These last two months have changed that mentality for me in that I have lost all desire to be in a dominant headspace and have been interacting with two different very strongly dominant men who have changed my way of viewing myself and my submission (putting me into more of a slave headspace). I do not at this time put myself in situations to "make friends" ..I tend to be a bit one track minded at this time.. which is perhaps not such a good thing but it is what it is. The really sad part is that I have actually isolated myself from others in the local community due to interactions with the last dom I was interacting with.

Simply because you set and follow boundaries (which could later be changed) doesn't make you any less of a sub. It makes you cautious, selective and shows you can follow direction (even if it's your own in this case). I know it's not something you want to do, but it's something you need to do in order to put yourself in a situation where when you do find that right one, you'll both be as happy as you can be.

You wouldn't let just anyone into the most private parts of your life. You have to know first you can trust them. By having those boundaries and following them, you'll have a better indication.

Unfortunately, yes I have allowed almost near strangers into the most private parts of my life. As long as I didnt "NOT" trust them.. I put myself out there.

It's tough for someone who has such an intense desire to serve to put herself first. It's a contradiction in some ways, but it's also something that needs to be done so you can eventually be where you want to be. In essence, you're doing something that down the road will allow you to better serve the person you're with. Kind of twisted logic, I know, but it's true.

I think I finally am realizing the truth to this statement and that is why I put the posting out there. These are the things I need to hear and I think for me it is important to hear it from the Doms.. I had really begun to wonder if my "problems" were legitimate or simply me not being able to serve as a slave. Its interesting how other peoples actions can cause us to doubt ourselves. Sad too.

You've obviously got a wonderful support group here, but if you'd ever like to talk, my door is always open.

Be patient and be true to yourself so that soon you'll be able to find that someone else to whom to devote yourself.

All my best...

Thank you for your thoughts.. they were good ones for me to hear.



_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to Seekingoneslave)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 12:20:49 PM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

You made the comment about "what if anyone can take this at anytime... what makes it special"  What makes it special is that you choose to give it to one.  A lot of dominants may be able to evoke submissive feeling in you, and there may be several that can make you feel weak in the knees.  There's nothing wrong with that, but what makes it special, what makes you trustworthy, is that you choose just one to give your all too.  We all have emotions and we don't always control what we feel.  But we do control our actions, we are responsible for what we do.  You may feel submissive towards many, but you choose to act on that with only one.  That's special.


Ok.. I need to take a break from this thread to have a cry.. You are all touching me so deeply and I am soo grateful for your support in helping me to get through this. All I know is.. I dont want to continue to make the same mistakes...soo Thank you.

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to Padriag)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 1:29:16 PM   
Tamerofwild1s


Posts: 1765
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JessieMe

I am in the unenviable position of having to search for a Dom since the breakup of my last one. There are many lessons that not only have I learned this time around (finally) but fully expect to actually try to implement this time around. In all the times I "thought" I had found someone only to find I really hadnt or that it just didnt work out, I never lost my ability to trust the next one that came along. I am coming to almost hate the part of myself that responds so instinctually to a dominant demeanor with my own submissiveness. I have become a trap to myself and this time I am finding that I am putting up more boundaries.. the problem is.. each time I put up a boundary, I feel like I am training myself NOT to be submissive and I feel like I am attempting to kill a part of myself that I am also looking to have fulfilled.

I guess if I have an actual  "question" it is this..How do I allow myself the ability to have "boundaries" during the time of courtship without feeling like I want to curl up and die (figuratively not literally) each time I tell a perspective dominant "I cannot allow this to to happen at this time". 

As you post your responses please note that I am not looking for the standard "If a dom wont respect your limits he is not worth the spit you toss to the sidewalk" type responses.. My question has to do with dealing with my own feelings.. not someone elses actions.  Thank you.



one thing I know you can do is when the conversation is done during said courting you can examine yourself .. did you stick to your guns .. sometimes it can give you a boost in knowing you did not falter from your rules of engaging simply to please someone elses wants. I have had several times myself questioning my rules of acting during the "getting to know you phase" ... I always smile a bit deeper afterwards knowing I could have broken them and probably been satisfied but I also stepped back and knew I did what was right in making the action wait to happen . it made the actually thing I didn't do seem so much more intense
 
just my opinion tho

_____________________________

A building get torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything - family, friends, feelings - but now I know that sometimes if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart ~

(in reply to JessieMe)
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RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 1:53:34 PM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tamerofwild1s

one thing I know you can do is when the conversation is done during said courting you can examine yourself .. did you stick to your guns .. sometimes it can give you a boost in knowing you did not falter from your rules of engaging simply to please someone elses wants. I have had several times myself questioning my rules of acting during the "getting to know you phase" ... I always smile a bit deeper afterwards knowing I could have broken them and probably been satisfied but I also stepped back and knew I did what was right in making the action wait to happen . it made the actually thing I didn't do seem so much more intense
 
just my opinion tho


I think this is a very good idea actually. I am writing these down and sticking them on my computer which is where I do most of my online as well as phone conversations.. just some little reminder notes to keep me strong. Thank you!

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to Tamerofwild1s)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 1:55:16 PM   
gypsyssoul


Posts: 127
Joined: 5/19/2006
From: Balti., Maryland, living in Summerville SC
Status: offline
i agree with all of this ... but feel your pain ...
just believe in yourself . ..
:: smiles
and i wish you the best of luck ....
 
~~blessings


_____________________________

~~"I have always sought this other side, but like a flame I dare not touch, For like forbidden fruits of wild .. just one taste would be to much"...
~~ blessed be

(in reply to Tamerofwild1s)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 7:31:58 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Dear Jessie..I am sitting here reading this thread with great interest..for you are not alone...the only thing I have done to gain perspective when in a very Dominant presence, and wish to follow his lead, is to excuse myself for a moment, step away from the area..(bathroom..grin)..and think about what has been said,push myself into common sense mode, and go from there.A sort of clearing head..be well..and thank you for good thread...Tempting

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 8:14:59 PM   
BelleAnne44


Posts: 18
Joined: 6/15/2006
Status: offline 		I'm so glad you are sharing this, JessieMe. 

I guess that some subs don't have trouble during the courting phase, but man, I'm not one of them.  It is hard to get to know someone, let them get to know you, give them a taste of how you'd like to be,  get a feel for their level of expertise, stand up for yourself in a way that respects both him and you, all the while resisting that natural urge to get it all overwith and submit.

Padrig's very detailed description of possible levels of interaction are very helpful to me...I love it when someone can put that stuff into action words.

quote:

Tamer said....I have had several times myself questioning my rules of acting during the "getting to know you phase" ... I always smile a bit deeper afterwards knowing I could have broken them and probably been satisfied but I also stepped back and knew I did what was right in making the action wait to happen 


I love to hear that doms like you are out there.  It sounds like JessieMe ran into your opposite and got hurt. 

It has to eventually get done.....the standing up for yourself during the courting phase...if a good match is to be made, but it can just be sooooo hard in the moment.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 8:36:07 PM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		Yes, yes and yes. I don't have an answer but I completely understand and relate to your dilemma, especially the part about feeling less and less submissive the more you work toward standing up for and protecting yourself. I felt exactly the same way you described. There is a lot of pressure to "show" a prospective Dom that you are a ready and willing submissive, and then of course, if you really like them you want to please them, and then it's also nice to get a little taste of their "dominance" and when that happens.......

I met someone recently that I'd only spoken to a few times before he asked me to dinner. I'd decided I wasn't even very interested in being submissive any more. I figured I pretty well sucked at it and was a Switch, and bottom and not a sub. So I met with him with NO expectations at all. When he asked me "why are you here" I told him it was because I liked him. And that was it. I had no preconceived ideas of it turning into a D/s relationship, I was just there because he was funny and could outsmart me. (which was very yummy) I was very strong, very confident and didn't once try to please him or impress him with my "submissiveness".

Maybe there's a bit of an answer in there somewhere. I don't know. I took a Benadryl and it makes sense to me.

Nite

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 8:54:05 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		Being a sub in the getting to know you time does not mean i don't have the right to set up how i feel comfortable in meeting the Dom.  I do not cyber now that i am doing r/t.  I do not take orders unless i have an understanding with the Dom in question.  If that offends the Dom then we probably have no relationship to build in the future anyway and He can just be offended.  I will not give submission to just anyone.  That does not mean i am not submissive it just simply means that when i choose to submit to One it is because He is in fact the only One i feel has the qualities to be my Dom.  I don't mean this as if i am  something hot and demanding but i do respect myself and wish to be happy which i can not be by giving submission to just anyone.  One of my deal breakers is a Dom that demands submission before the relationship has had a chance to form.  No let me rephrase that a Dom that demands submission rather than allows me to offer it in the early stages is not a Dom i wish to submit to.  Pushing yes that is acceptable but then CD i think that from reading Your posts for awhile that You are also an honorable Dom who hopefully can accept no not at this stage and back off from the pushing.  Actually i expect a Dom to push some but it is in how He responds to my submissive self saying no i can't do that now that either gets my respect or shows me they are not for me.  As for being choosy i think this is the time to be so.  Setting up guidelines that you believe will help you before a meet is important.  Usually those guidelines are discussed by email or phone well before i meet the Dom in person.  Doesn't mean that the Dom might change His mind at the meet or that i might alter my thinking either.  Being submissive does not mean lack of self control but being human means reevaluating constantly to get the outcome one wants.  I have also found that it is important to have some foundation to the relationship before the meeting in short no spur of the moment i just talked to You on line lets meet at the coffee shop right this second. 

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 9:01:05 PM   
BelleAnne44


Posts: 18
Joined: 6/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Diamond said.....Actually i expect a Dom to push some but it is in how He responds to my submissive self saying no i can't do that now that either gets my respect or shows me they are not for me. 


That's a great point.  Thats one to stick on my computer screen!

(in reply to diamonddreamlove)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Setting Boundaries during the "getting to know... - 7/10/2006 9:17:17 PM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		I am having a bad night due to well... just I am having a bad night and decided to go out for a few drinks and karaoke.. of course.. it being a full moon I had to sit at the bar next to the one kook who hasnt had contact with a woman in three months.. <sheesh> and all I wanted to do was be miserable, feel sorry for myself and sing.. welll I got all that and creeped out to boot.

As I always say.. timing is everything!

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to BelleAnne44)
Profile   Post #: 40
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