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Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/20/2014 6:24:24 AM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline 		Over the past 4 1/2 years I have met a LOT of "Dominant" men and I have to say that I've been very lucky in that I've never had any nightmarish experiences. We may have decided down the road that we weren't compatible for a LTR, but we've always either parted on good terms or have become friends.

But out of the ones that actually made it long enough so that I eventually invited them to my apartment, something funny, albeit very minor, has come up with a few of them, and it always makes me look a bit sideways at them.

Ok....I understand that as the /s side of the equation, I'm not supposed to tell him what to do. I'm supposed to simply "suggest" things to him, or give him information and let him make decisions. Alright...I can handle that. But aren't there a few odd times where the /s should be allowed to tell him "this is what you should do"....because she really does know something he doesn't?

Like I said....this is pretty minor...but it's happened more than a couple of times. The bathroom door in my apartment is broken. I don't know if the hinges are painted, and/or it's not lined up right with the frame....but it takes some real effort to close it. Then if you actually do close it, it takes some effort to get it back open, and sometimes you can't get it open from the inside.

So every time someone visits me for the first time, I have said "don't close the door when you go back there...it's broken and very difficult to get back open"

But then I've had a few of them come back to me and say something like "You shouldn't tell me what to do". Then all I want to say is "Well I could have kept my mouth shut and then let you figure it out for yourself..."

I mean....is this really "telling him what to do"? Doesn't the fact that he has the option to ignore what I say and do what he wants mean that he still has control in the situation??




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“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.
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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/20/2014 6:32:01 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		I would look at it as a good thing. The minute they said something that stupid I could stop wasting my time and move on to the next possibility.

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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/20/2014 6:37:10 AM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		I wouldn't consider that telling them what to do. I would consider that giving them information. They seem a bit overly sensitive.

That being said, I don't think I ever really say "Don't do....." to anyone during normal, spoken conversation (unless I'm specifically asked for my opinion or advice). I usually soften it to something like "You'll want to leave the door slightly open when you go back there...." That's just me, though, not necessarily how I talk to someone because they're a Dominant. I don't necessarily suggest it. Some people find my indirectness annoying. But I am definitely not accused of telling anyone what to do.

But yeah. What thishereboi said. (Who, by the way, was more direct than I was. See?)

< Message edited by Kaliko -- 9/20/2014 6:38:57 AM >

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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/20/2014 6:38:47 AM   
areallivehuman


Posts: 277
Joined: 1/16/2010
Status: offline 		There's a lot in delivery, "The bathroom door is broken and doesn't close properly", vs. "Don't close the bathroom door, it doesn't work properly."
Personally, I would consider neither topping from bottom, but I can see where someone might.

Hold out for the one who fixes it for you.

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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/20/2014 6:40:59 AM   
ExiledTyrant


Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline 		Wow, this is wrong in so many ways I cannot count them.

"I'm not supposed to tell him what to do"~ sure, we'll wait for the horror story to land in "BDSM in the news". Of course you're supposed to tell him what to do, it's negotiate, evaluate, play mate.

"Suggest"~ Okay, suggest for play, really? Would you really suggest that your ass is not the perfect holder for the handle of his flogger? The D isn't going to suggest what you do, neither should you. It's play, your way, his way, and if it connects, you're going to have a great evening of it.

"Don't close the bathroom door"~ Only an imbecile is going to walk into someone else's home and take over. I have "No Trespassing" signs posted on my property. THEY ARE NOT POLITE SUGGESTIONS. At the least they will get a trespass warrant filed against them, at worst they'll get shot in the face. I clean, oil, and sight my weapons regularly while in the front yard so as not to "suggest" no one trespass, but to make it pointedly clear that "You can and will be shot in the face." I'm not a gun nut, but once the Meth epidemic became an epidemic, I made it a point to let everyone know a gun lives here.

"You should not tell me what to do" ~ great for an established dynamic, bootsville for a presumptuous prick.

Don't give your submission away, darlin, make them earn the RIGHT to have it.

Jus sayin

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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/20/2014 7:01:38 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		[Edited for the grammar idiocies that I noticed]

quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

Over the past 4 1/2 years I have met a LOT of "Dominant" men and I have to say that I've been very lucky in that I've never had any nightmarish experiences.


To be fair to you... While sure, luck will have played a part, your own judgement is a pretty important factor here as well.

quote:


....
So every time someone visits me for the first time, I have said "don't close the door when you go back there...it's broken and very difficult to get back open"

But then I've had a few of them come back to me and say something like "You shouldn't tell me what to do". Then all I want to say is "Well I could have kept my mouth shut and then let you figure it out for yourself..."

I mean....is this really "telling him what to do"? Doesn't the fact that he has the option to ignore what I say and do what he wants mean that he still has control in the situation??





Fuck no... that's giving him some sensible advice. Would he have come over all domly if you'd said "Don't touch the light switch, it's got an electrical fault and is live.. I'm waiting for an electrician to fix it"?

In this case... his response might be a little bit of a red flag, or he might simply have blundered a bit.

So back to the key question...
quote:


Ok....I understand that as the /s side of the equation, I'm not supposed to tell him what to do. I'm supposed to simply "suggest" things to him, or give him information and let him make decisions. Alright...I can handle that. But aren't there a few odd times where the /s should be allowed to tell him "this is what you should do"....because she really does know something he doesn't?


Ok... this one is a little up for grabs, because everyone has their own dynamic. But, unless you're in a full on relationship, I think you should be completely free to express yourself, and even tell people to what to do when you're plainly in a better position than them to know what to do.

Personally, if my playmate has spend $1000's on lovely white carpet and she asks me to take my shoes off when I come into her apartment... I take my shoes off. On account of not being an ass-hat (or at least, having enough presence of mind not to give the fact that I'm an ass hat away over something so minor.

Until you're ready to agree to a given dynamic, it is absolutely yours to define.

So in the context of this particular issue (assuming you're seeing the guy in question again) I'd recommend having a natter with him, to establish boundaries, expectations - and then you need to decide whether you can both come to an approach that works for both of you.

Good luck!

< Message edited by crazyml -- 9/20/2014 7:02:32 AM >

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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/20/2014 7:04:43 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: areallivehuman


Hold out for the one who fixes it for you.


Ker-fucking-ching!

<tips hat>

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/20/2014 7:38:48 AM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml


So in the context of this particular issue (assuming you're seeing the guy in question again) I'd recommend having a natter with him, to establish boundaries, expectations - and then you need to decide whether you can both come to an approach that works for both of you.

Good luck!


No...I'm not seeing "him" again. This actually has not happened recently. I just brought this up because I got to talking to a /s friend and she flipped out when I told her what their reactions were. So I was curious what some other Doms thought about it.

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to crazyml)
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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/20/2014 7:45:28 AM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml


quote:

ORIGINAL: areallivehuman


Hold out for the one who fixes it for you.


Ker-fucking-ching!

<tips hat>


Funny thing....I actually did have one of them who looked at it and talked about fixing it. Although I shrugged it off and told him it was the lazy good-for-nothing landlord's problem. He (this Dom) is one of them that I mentioned I am still friends with. As a matter of fact....he fixed my living room closet door.....well...he really drafted his son to do it...lol


_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/20/2014 7:51:05 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50
..he really drafted his son to do it...lol



Now that is properly domly


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Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/20/2014 8:10:16 AM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thishereboi

I would look at it as a good thing. The minute they said something that stupid I could stop wasting my time and move on to the next possibility.


+1
Consider it a test of his "dominance"

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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/20/2014 10:44:08 AM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline 		This is a fast reply.

I see the OP's example and it makes me cringe in the worst way possible. I am not that insecure as to have to assert my dominance in every sentence and every word spoken to me, or spoken by me. Sometimes a conversation is simply a conversation, and a bit of information is information that I need and not my slut trying to wear the dominant pants. It comes down to confidence and being secure in your own skin. Now, in some conversations I have had with my slut she might forget our dynamic and say or do something that is out of character for her and I usually say something funny or poke fun at it as a reminder, but telling me the bathroom door sticks would not be one of those times that I would think she was out of line.

I suppose I am a more relaxed version of a dominant, I don't have to flex my domliness all of the time, it just is there in how I conduct myself. Those that feel the need to do it all of the time in every situation, in my opinion, are simply looking for reasons to prove they are dominant when that shouldn't have to be done at all. For me, I see it much the same way as some dominants look for reasons to "punish" their submissive, not that that is wrong, that is their thing, but the way I feel most comfortable is knowing that if I want to spank my slut, I am just going to do it and I don't need to manufacture reasons to do so.

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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/20/2014 12:59:35 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		This is pretty much how I take things.

Now there are different d types who might choose to insist on maximum protocol/deference from the outset.. and while there is a part of me that wonders about their self confidence, it is fairly likely that they'll find an s type who loves that dynamic.

The key for the OP (and I am guessing the she totally knows this already) is to funderstand a dom guy whose dynamic works with hers.

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Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/20/2014 1:06:03 PM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		Yah, I don't really think you're in the wrong here. I for sure tell any partner what is 'out of bounds' and id tell them not to get stuck in the stupid ass bathroom.

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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/21/2014 11:55:21 AM   
caelestis


Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

So every time someone visits me for the first time, I have said "don't close the door when you go back there...it's broken and very difficult to get back open"

But then I've had a few of them come back to me and say something like "You shouldn't tell me what to do". Then all I want to say is "Well I could have kept my mouth shut and then let you figure it out for yourself..."




I would probably lose all interest in someone who reacted like that, if I just informed them that something was broken and the right way to use it. I mean... really? I'm expected to be informative, and there have been times where I've had to tell Master that something has to be done differently. Its usually when we're doing rope, and its a safety thing. If I didn't tell him that he needed to loosen a tie somewhere because I was losing feeling rather quickly in an extremity, I'm sure he'd be disappointed with me.

However, he has the final decision, and there have been times where I've told him he should do something differently and he says something along the lines of "Nah, put up with it for a little longer." My telling him he should or shouldn't do something ultimately has no bearing on what he may do, just provides him with pertinent information to make a decision.

Though how you say it may play a role, however if that's the case, I would think they would correct and modify. Master has changed little things here and there regarding the way I ask for things and speak, but he's taken that on as his responsibility. Its never been a "don't top from the bottom" kind of thing. Its a preference.

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"We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. Beautiful in the concept, if we're lucky, but frequently tedious or regrettable as we flesh ourselves out."
— Gregory Maguire



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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/21/2014 1:35:51 PM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		A reaction like that has to come from a dominant who is on his guard and wanting to impress you with his domliness. Basically he's a rabbit trying not to get caught in the headlights. He's terrified of you seeing right through him and so he overdoes things. It must be really stressful for people like that... I mean meeting up and interacting with a submissive

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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/21/2014 3:54:05 PM   
DerangedUnit


Posts: 660
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline 		every time someone asks me "are you topping from the bottom?" i say "are you bottoming from the top?" it's not your job as the sub to pity someone and coddle them, it's worth the wait to find someone who is strong enough to handle you and considers you a prize. strong men value strong women.

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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/22/2014 11:08:27 PM   
Xnawtyx


Posts: 20
Joined: 3/18/2013
Status: offline 		omg really??? Lol
How far could it go with a guy like that...

So if he's walking along and about to tread in some dog poop on the street he wouldn't want you saying 'hey wait don't step there!!'

pity that didn't happen could have been way more amusing for you

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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/23/2014 4:30:05 PM   
Domnotlooking


Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline 		I would have paraphrased the old freudian joke and pointed out that sometimes a broken door is just a broken door.

And If I'm walking towards a broken door, my good girl can dispense with the hot protocol and head me off at the pass as she sees fit. She knows what I like.

If there's a you didn't say it like on I Dream Of Jeannie issue, that's separate from practical day to day door problems.

< Message edited by Domnotlooking -- 9/23/2014 4:33:42 PM >

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RE: Topping from Bottom? Really? - 9/23/2014 4:37:43 PM   
subrosaDom


Posts: 724
Joined: 2/16/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: areallivehuman

There's a lot in delivery, "The bathroom door is broken and doesn't close properly", vs. "Don't close the bathroom door, it doesn't work properly."
Personally, I would consider neither topping from bottom, but I can see where someone might.

Hold out for the one who fixes it for you.


That "don't" is suggestive or descriptive to me. I think it takes a massive amount of insecurity to interpret that as a "command." That would require: "Don't you dare, over my dead body, ever touch ..." Where this is simply a matter of regionalisms/patois/style. Some people might say "I wanted to let you know, my Great Lord, that there is some damage to the door, and in your inestimable calculations of what is right and proper for me, I pray that you take my humble suggestion into your consideration." That works well - for Monty Python. Some might say, "By the way, if you close the door here, it's broken and really hard to open." There's no "command" in that at all. As for myself, "don't" in this context means the same thing. But people use words differently. On the East Coast, "that's not bad," means "I'm really impressed." In other parts of the country, it means "you barely did OK."



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The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.

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