DarkSteven
Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Driverkitty
So you have an interest in finding a Heavy Sadist/Daddy Dom/Couple to serve/Transsexual Martian with green skin/Time Traveler from Galifrey. Great! I wish you all the luck in finding what you're looking for, I truly do. We should all be so lucky to find that which completes and satisfies us.
However, there's a problem. Why don't you answer messages that are offering that situation, or at least the potential of it?
Now, I know a lot of you are going to roll your eyes and probably aren't going to even read the rest of this post. You're going to dismiss it as the 'butthurt ramblings of a dom who's crying about being rejected'. And, to be fair, it does bother me a little that someone might write a decent message and go completely ignored. However, consider:
Let's say you post looking for a 'Daddy Dom, between 30 and 50, who will both spoil and keep a firm hand' Okay, fantastic. Such a guy writes you. And I'm not talking about the 'Hey, whore, come knee-walk over to your MASTER and suck my balls!' kind of messages - unless you're into that. I think most aren't, but you can find anything in this community.
I'm talking about the genuine person who writes and says, for example, 'Hello there, I am a XYZ (Daddy Dom in this instance) and I've been looking for someone into that. Let's talk about the possibility of exploring that together'. Someone who doesn't make any assumptions, doesn't right off the bat try to decide that you're already theirs (or they're already yours, in the case of an S-type writing to a D-type). I'm talking about the person who tries to be courteous, who doesn't go overboard in the beginning, who is willing to take their time and try to get to know you. Why not reply? And I'm NOT saying that all offers should be accepted. Just replied to. If you don't care for the person, just take a moment, have a little courtesy, and says 'Hey, I appreciate the message and attention, but I'm afraid you're too far away/a little older than I had in mind/I don't like men with red hair/prefer someone from Mars rather than Saturn.' It takes..what, 30-40 seconds? Is your time THAT infinitely precious?
If someone writes to you, and they are responding to something that YOU said YOU were looking for, in a manner that seems genuine and interested - well, of course you don't OWE them anything, not a response, not a looking over of their profile, not even a reading of their message. You can just move on and pretend it never happened. However, wouldn't it be courteous? We all complain about the nastiness in the BDSM community - how some people act like idiots, how some people Just Don't Get It, how we're fed up with pretenders and fakes and so on. So why contribute to it? In ignoring that well-meant, genuine message that was respond to what YOU said YOU wanted, you're furthering the lack of courtesy - it's no wonder that people GET so angry and hostile and start to try to push too much. They maybe start to think "Well, maybe being genuine and sincere is why I'm not getting responses, so I'll try another way'.
Instead of isolating, try educating. Girls, I understand that you get a zillion and one messages a day, I really do. I've seen my girl's inbox after only an hour. I've seen some of the crazy, insane crap that gets past your spam filters - and that's not the message I'm referring to. Those, sure, toss them without even looking. But if someone does approach and seems sincere, tell them what's up. Rejection is part of life, that's a fact, but is there really any reason to make it worse than it has to be? Just because you're in demand doesn't mean that you should treat people like non-entities. You CAN, of course, but that just means you're furthering the atmosphere of hostility and lack of courtesy that you yourself complain about.
And this goes for men and women. No one is immune here. If a message seems genuine, respond. It only takes a minute to write "Hey, thanks, but your approach was a little soft for me. Good luck'. Or 'I appreciate your message, but I am looking for something softer'. It might just be that the person who wrote thought YOU might appreciate the tone they were taking, even if it's not what they would usually extend. We all want to get others' attention - give them a second chance, maybe tell them what you had in mind - that might be what they were the whole time.
At any rate, thank you for reading - I know this is going to get a number of TL;DR comments, as well as 'So you got rejected, stop whining' replies - that just means you missed the point, and maybe should read again and think. It's all about courtesy - something that dominants flat-out demand, and submissives, by and large, I think appreciate. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all learn to embrace that?
1. "However, there's a problem. Why don't you answer messages that are offering that situation, or at least the potential of it?"
Why should she? Your pics aren't bad, but the first paragraph of your profile says nothing, and your second is cranky. So she'll have to go through the work of a conversation to figure out if you're compatible. Judging by your proposed first message, you're not saying anything about yourselves.
2. "I'm talking about the genuine person who writes and says, for example, 'Hello there, I am a XYZ (Daddy Dom in this instance) and I've been looking for someone into that. Let's talk about the possibility of exploring that together'."
Believe it or not, that letter is not going to fly. It says nothing specific to the recipient. Aside from the fact that it's not crude, it has nothing going for it.
I would write something along the lines of "Hi there. My sub and I regularly attend the House of Guilty Pleasures meetings and haven't seen you there. Do you attend the Sanctuary or any munches locally?" or "I notice that you're into Daddy/little girl. If you don't mind my asking, how long have you been into that?"
3. "And, to be fair, it does bother me a little that someone might write a decent message and go completely ignored."
Why? It was YOUR choice to write the message, which doesn't look like it took more than two minutes. It was YOUR decision to write it, knowing full well that she may not write back. You knew the risks, and you proceeded - it was never her choice to get written by you or not.
4. "If you don't care for the person, just take a moment, have a little courtesy, and says 'Hey, I appreciate the message and attention, but I'm afraid you're too far away/a little older than I had in mind/I don't like men with red hair/prefer someone from Mars rather than Saturn.' It takes..what, 30-40 seconds? Is your time THAT infinitely precious?"
You're saying her time isn't so precious while complaining that you took the time to write a message. Note the discrepancy?
Also, if she states reasons why, she's opening herself up for an argument.
5. "We all complain about the nastiness in the BDSM community - how some people act like idiots, how some people Just Don't Get It, how we're fed up with pretenders and fakes and so on. So why contribute to it? In ignoring that well-meant, genuine message that was respond to what YOU said YOU wanted, you're furthering the lack of courtesy - it's no wonder that people GET so angry and hostile and start to try to push too much. They maybe start to think "Well, maybe being genuine and sincere is why I'm not getting responses, so I'll try another way'."
In what way is her non-response contributing to issues in the community? You're assuming that you are NOT clueless or a pretender/fake. Fella, you're nothing more than a generic message and a basically nonexistent profile to her.
If you have a solid position in the community, look for your unicorn while you're at events.
" In ignoring that well-meant, genuine message that was respond to what YOU said YOU wanted, you're furthering the lack of courtesy - it's no wonder that people GET so angry and hostile and start to try to push too much. They maybe start to think "Well, maybe being genuine and sincere is why I'm not getting responses, so I'll try another way'.""
Whoa, fella. Back the hell right up. You are NOT entitled to a response. Got it? When you start with that premise, and blame your own anger issues on the women who rebuff you for whatever reason, you're heading down the Elliot Rodger path of being angry because you don't get the responses you wanted.
6. " If a message seems genuine, respond."
Your example message did not seem genuine in the least to me. It sounded generic and scattershot.
< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 10/24/2014 11:07:46 AM >
_____________________________
"You women....
The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...
Quit fretting. We men love you."
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The Death Of Courtesy - 
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