RE: Topping From The Bottom, Asshole-ing from the Sidelines and More

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RE: Topping From The Bottom, Asshole-ing from the Sidel... - 12/4/2014 5:58:22 PM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

Yeah....my problem is that I can't sugar coat shit. If I think he's being a dumb fuck and I'm sick of him trying to shove his cock down my throat so I can't breathe....I'm just going to tell him point blank.

Au contraire.

I have heard this a lot in my life. "Forgive my bluntness but I don't know any other way to be". I've usually heard it from either 60s - 70s feminist women, domineering men who think because they're the boss at work, they're everyone's boss and that they know best, or from those members of the younger generation who think civility is just a false, unnecessary veneer. Oddly enough, these are all the same people whose feelings get hurt easier than anyone I know who's not in their category. My answer is this: Really? Nobody ever taught you how to be courteous and honest at the same time?

"Honey...does this dress make me look fat?"

Non-sugar-coated answer: "Fat? Only if you think a whale is fat. In other words...duhhhh"

Sugar-coated answer: " No honey, you look good in absolutely everything". (she doesn't...no one does)

Honest but civil (courteous, feeling-sparing answer): "I'll be honest, honey...it really doesn't show your figure off to your best advantage. Lets keep looking for something better"

Now then...you say he's being a dumb fuck (why are you playing with him? Especially if your reason for him being dumb is that he knows you can't breathe and yet, doesn't care?). A grip to the balls is sufficient to get even the dumbest fuck's attention. "Sir...I can't fucking breathe with your cock down my throat. That's why I am turning purple. The next time it goes down that far, then I will...with all due respect( which he has earned = minimal)...bite down as hard as I can until I hear you say you'll pull back.

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RE: Topping From The Bottom, Asshole-ing from the Sidel... - 12/4/2014 6:27:30 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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If someone does not pay attention to me when I nicely say I cannot do x, y or z, say because I cannot breathe or the activity left me hurt for days after, then no sugar coating or respect is due.

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Post #: 122

RE: Topping From The Bottom, Asshole-ing from the Sidel... - 12/4/2014 7:29:25 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

If someone does not pay attention to me when I nicely say I cannot do x, y or z, say because I cannot breathe or the activity left me hurt for days after, then no sugar coating or respect is due.

Oh, I agree, red...as we've discussed. That's why my answer above.

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Post #: 123

RE: Topping From The Bottom, Asshole-ing from the Sidel... - 12/5/2014 5:22:43 AM

NookieNotes

Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

Yeah....my problem is that I can't sugar coat shit. If I think he's being a dumb fuck and I'm sick of him trying to shove his cock down my throat so I can't breathe....I'm just going to tell him point blank.

So, the problem here is that you're waiting until you feel that strongly, instead of saying something before you're upset.

Oh, and letting ANYONE you think is a dumb shit shove their cock down your throat. Truth.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PandoraFoxxx

There's a distinct difference between sugar coating things and communicating in a respectful manner. If you can't set aside your irritation and communicate in the proper manner (ie being cordial and polite like a human being) and opening up a place for dialogue about what bothers you and setting up the scene for an enjoyable experience for both of you, then you are just being as rude as you view his behaviour. It's the same with D/s interaction as it is with any other interaction. If you choose to be a bitch then chances are you're going to be treated with less respect.

I have to agree with this.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

Really? Nobody ever taught you how to be courteous and honest at the same time?

"Honey...does this dress make me look fat?"

Non-sugar-coated answer: "Fat? Only if you think a whale is fat. In other words...duhhhh"

Sugar-coated answer: " No honey, you look good in absolutely everything". (she doesn't...no one does)

Honest but civil (courteous, feeling-sparing answer): "I'll be honest, honey...it really doesn't show your figure off to your best advantage. Lets keep looking for something better"

Agreed.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

If someone does not pay attention to me when I nicely say I cannot do x, y or z, say because I cannot breathe or the activity left me hurt for days after, then no sugar coating or respect is due.

Agreed. But then, I would not play/live/date with someone who does not pay attention to me.

Period.

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RE: Topping From The Bottom, Asshole-ing from the Sidel... - 12/5/2014 5:46:50 AM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
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quote:

ORIGINAL: smileforme50

Yeah....my problem is that I can't sugar coat shit. If I think he's being a dumb fuck and I'm sick of him trying to shove his cock down my throat so I can't breathe....I'm just going to tell him point blank.

I feel like maybe you need to reexamine what you desire. Maybe you want to move more center to something vanilla. If I was subbing for a male Dom I would expect to be on my knees whenever he demanded. It just comes with the territory. And maybe degradation isn't your thing. It is your responsibility to communicate your hard and soft limits to your Dom because chances are he will do as he wants and that's his right if you give him your consent. I agree with other posters who addressed this as far as "communication" goes.
Also sexyred1, before there is resentment due to the "how" and "why" the D does things in the midst of play, all limits including pain tolerance for x, y, z should be discussed.
Communication seems so underrated in the beginning stages of a relationship. (Fast reply). Sometimes it is not only communicating your thoughts and feelings but to be certain they are understood and acknowledged.

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RE: Topping From The Bottom, Asshole-ing from the Sidel... - 12/5/2014 6:22:34 AM

NookieNotes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

Sometimes it is not only communicating your thoughts and feelings but to be certain they are understood and acknowledged.

I just wrote about this the other day. I'm going to post it.

I could not agree more.

*smiles*

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Post #: 126

RE: Topping From The Bottom, Asshole-ing from the Sidel... - 12/5/2014 6:31:46 AM

theshytype

Posts: 1600
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes

quote:

ORIGINAL: theshytype
I don't expect him to read my mind no matter how well he knows me and nothing says mood killer or ego-boost drainer like "hey, I'm not getting what I need".

I have to disagree with you. Not much is sexier to me than a submissive who speaks up and communicates. Of course, I still make the decisions, but KNOWING can make a lot of difference.

<soapbox>So, to you, I would say: I hope you do try communication at some point, because the trust and sexiness that can develop from 100% openness and honesty is fucking incredible. </soapbox>

While I have definitely gotten better at communicating my wants over the past few years, there are only a few times when I'll bring it up.
It has been my experience that there are some people with a more fragile ego. In the past, when I did have an extremely difficult time asking for anything I wanted from another person, it wasn't a big deal. At all.
Still, now I wait for a 'good' time - and that's if I can remember when that time comes.

I've gone through life expecting very little from others, something that comes natural to a person often described as a 'lone wolf'.
My "manipulating" has always been my way of asking without asking and without hurting another's ego.
I consider myself lucky that I have a partner that notices my cues and doesn't consider it as manipulative.

ETA: if something was hurting me past my threshold, I would speak up in that instance and I wouldn't care hurting anyone's ego if need be.

< Message edited by theshytype -- 12/5/2014 6:37:13 AM >

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RE: Topping From The Bottom, Asshole-ing from the Sidel... - 12/5/2014 6:54:27 AM

NookieNotes

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Awesome! Sounds like it's working perfectly, then. *smiles*

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