RE: "One Note" (sexually) People

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DesFIP -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/18/2014 10:22:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: smileforme50 But if it something that you know doesn't do anything for you.....why list it on your CS profile as a "love" or "like"? I've met a few guys who have things listed in their profiles as things they like or love....but when we really got into doing things, all they wanted was their one favorite. You know, if I'm at the grocery store, The Man has never said "let's have salmon". If I make it, he enjoys it but it never occurs to him. Maybe they would like the other stuff just fine, but they needed you to ask for it. Because they're just meat and potatoes types.

EmpressElsa -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/18/2014 3:38:51 PM)
@OP Fetishists have a tendency to be boringly fixated on one or two activities. I have seen it often.

FieryOpal -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/18/2014 4:45:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: EmpressElsa @OP Fetishists have a tendency to be boringly fixated on one or two activities. I have seen it often. You're telling me ... I was with one for over 8 years. It started out vanilla, just something between a couple, and developed into a fixation after about 2 years (once we were already engaged). Boring, tedious, awful. I was vanilla then, too, so I had no idea what I was getting myself in for. Never, never again. Those last few years were the worst, where he started choosing his fetish over having sexual relations. He refused counseling for that and for his other issues. He didn't think there was a thing wrong with him and couldn't see how it was destroying our marriage, where it had become all about him. (OP, I kinda blotted this out because it happened over a lengthy period. Before things degenerated, he had been an attentive lover for about 3 years.)

smileforme50 -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/18/2014 7:53:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP quote: ORIGINAL: smileforme50 But if it something that you know doesn't do anything for you.....why list it on your CS profile as a "love" or "like"? I've met a few guys who have things listed in their profiles as things they like or love....but when we really got into doing things, all they wanted was their one favorite. You know, if I'm at the grocery store, The Man has never said "let's have salmon". If I make it, he enjoys it but it never occurs to him. Maybe they would like the other stuff just fine, but they needed you to ask for it. Because they're just meat and potatoes types. But if they are just "meat and potatoes" guys and really need someone else to suggest other things to them...then why do they mention the stuff in their profiles? Just lying and trying to make themselves look more appealing?

FieryOpal -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/18/2014 8:08:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: smileforme50 But if they are just "meat and potatoes" guys and really need someone else to suggest other things to them...then why do they mention the stuff in their profiles? Just lying and trying to make themselves look more appealing? Well, since they're trying to pass themselves off as Doms, and there isn't a category for BJs-on-Demand, they want to appear to have more experience and diversified skills than they actually do. It's like people who pad their resumés to make it seem as if they are the most qualified job applicant.

MariaB -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/19/2014 4:58:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: EmpressElsa @OP Fetishists have a tendency to be boringly fixated on one or two activities. I have seen it often. True if we use the word "Fetishist" in its true definition but that word got bastardized by the scene a long time ago, at least in the UK. Many words we use within the scene have been bastardized. I consider myself a fetishist because I don't fit into any one box. I love dominating the right parter, I enjoy tying people up in rope without it being a dominant act, I enjoy flesh hook suspension and have been suspended on hooks myself, I love dressing up in crazy gear which can be anything from burlesque to latex, I've always enjoyed dating cross dressers but it doesn't have to be a dominant/submissive thing for me, I enjoy electric stimulation but I'm neither a masochist or submissive, I enjoy having needles put in me but I'm neither a masochist or submissive, I love sex with the right woman and it may or may not be a dominant act, I love wild and explosive sex with my husband and that can include anything from dirty sex down a dark alley to making mad passionate love on satin sheets. I love girl fights where the winner gets to fuck the loser. I think its amusing that people can't work out my wild and adventurous attitude, especially dominants and submissives who seem desperate to slap some sort of label on all the things I'm into. I consider myself as someone who is very much into the wild, vibrant and colourful fetish scene so what else could I possibly be but a "Fetishist"?

ResidentSadist -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/19/2014 6:32:00 PM)
There have been a few "odd ducks" in my history of sexploits, but I general am pretty diverse and so are my partners. I think my aversion to pubic hair is the main quirk that limits my scope of appreciation. There was this one time in band camp, many years ago, my partner had childhood trauma issues and couldn't orgasm vaginally... buy she did from anal. So she was obsessed with that.

GoddessManko -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/19/2014 6:38:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB True if we use the word "Fetishist" in its true definition but that word got bastardized by the scene a long time ago, at least in the UK. Many words we use within the scene have been bastardized. I consider myself a fetishist because I don't fit into any one box. I love dominating the right parter, I enjoy tying people up in rope without it being a dominant act, I enjoy flesh hook suspension and have been suspended on hooks myself, I love dressing up in crazy gear which can be anything from burlesque to latex, I've always enjoyed dating cross dressers but it doesn't have to be a dominant/submissive thing for me, I enjoy electric stimulation but I'm neither a masochist or submissive, I enjoy having needles put in me but I'm neither a masochist or submissive, I love sex with the right woman and it may or may not be a dominant act, I love wild and explosive sex with my husband and that can include anything from dirty sex down a dark alley to making mad passionate love on satin sheets. I love girl fights where the winner gets to fuck the loser. I think its amusing that people can't work out my wild and adventurous attitude, especially dominants and submissives who seem desperate to slap some sort of label on all the things I'm into. I consider myself as someone who is very much into the wild, vibrant and colourful fetish scene so what else could I possibly be but a "Fetishist"? I honestly am completely interested in this. You are not a masochist or submissive. I'm curious as to what "drives you" or rather your rationalization for your preferences if that makes sense. Because you sound a lot more diverse than most I have encountered. It's pretty uhm...AWESOME.[:D] Also if you don't mind me asking, was it an exploration through time or you immediately had a desire for these kinks? I promise this is for my own curiosity as I myself am in a constant state of flux and I love almost everything kinky. PS, well aware I am pretty much doing the same thing of attempting to label and apologies. If it is too personal a question you needn't answer.

FieryOpal -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/19/2014 8:03:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB True if we use the word "Fetishist" in its true definition but that word got bastardized by the scene a long time ago, at least in the UK. Many words we use within the scene have been bastardized. I consider myself a fetishist because I don't fit into any one box. <snip> I consider myself as someone who is very much into the wild, vibrant and colourful fetish scene so what else could I possibly be but a "Fetishist"? However you see defining yourself, or not doing so, is what matters. Many here who are not heavy into D/s (as a lifestyle, unlike yourself) but just want to engage in BDSM play and/or kinky sex call themselves kinksters. In a narrow sense, though, male fetishists seem to have a limited repertoire and fit the clinical model of needing a fetish object in order to get aroused. I know a man who has 4 primary fetishes. He cannot get aroused if his partner does not fit these fetish parameters. They are skinny/bony(1) Asian women(2) who want oral worship(3&4). That's it. A secondary fetish of his is a foot fetish for dainty feet. Preferred, but not absolutely required. So he actually has 5 fetishes and an expanded repertoire. However, 3 of his fetishes are vanilla. They can be found in the outside world without too much ado (in terms of scarcity other than location) by limiting his hunting grounds to skinny Asian females with dainty feet. Not such a tall order. Even finding one who loves cunnilingus is a vanilla requirement. It isn't unconceivable for him to find a vanilla lady who will allow him to perform anilingus. Many vanilla men want to do this and oral sex in and of itself can hardly be considered BDSM. The only problem he runs into is finding this exact combination in a lifestyle Dominant woman. Is he a sub or is he a fetishist? As far as I'm concerned, these types of men calling themselves submissives abound and are not unique. (Seeking a particular type of female Dominant) There is a sexual component, but it's not good enough. If he can't make it between the sheets, then as far as I'm concerned, he doesn't offer anything more than what I can find with a fairly sexually open vanilla man. He has no real submission to offer me either.

NookieNotes -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/20/2014 1:27:37 AM)
That definitely sounds more fetishist than sub to me, from your description.

MariaB -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/20/2014 6:09:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessManko I honestly am completely interested in this. You are not a masochist or submissive. I'm curious as to what "drives you" or rather your rationalization for your preferences if that makes sense. Because you sound a lot more diverse than most I have encountered. It's pretty uhm...AWESOME.[:D] Also if you don't mind me asking, was it an exploration through time or you immediately had a desire for these kinks? I promise this is for my own curiosity as I myself am in a constant state of flux and I love almost everything kinky. PS, well aware I am pretty much doing the same thing of attempting to label and apologies. If it is too personal a question you needn't answer. Not too personal at all...I started it [:)] Primarily I'm dominant because within me that remains consistent, inspiring and what I build my relationships on. Dominance is something I'm good at because it flows from me very naturally but being stuck with that dominant label feels restrictive. The first time I walked into a Fetish club I felt like I'd arrived at my destination. It was so loud, so gregarious and so full of free spirits and nothing like the feeling I got/get from those dark gloomy BDSM clubs where everyone seems to be on their guard and their sense of enjoyment seems to come from following tight protocol and judging others. Each to their own and all that but its not for me. I am fairly eccentric and very adventurous, not only within this world of kink but in general. I'm also intrigued by things other people do and don't hold back if I want to try and do those things too. I've always had a bit of a wild side that wants to try everything before I die. quote: FieryOpal However you see defining yourself, or not doing so, is what matters. Many here who are not heavy into D/s (as a lifestyle, unlike yourself) but just want to engage in BDSM play and/or kinky sex call themselves kinksters. I agree; D/s in its purest form is a niche market. As you know, I've been in the BDSM/Fetish business for many years but if I only concentrated my business on the BDSM and D/s I would never of made any money. Kinkster is such a horrible label though, don't you think? It sounds promiscuous and unruly as well as frivolous and somewhat careless. I prefer to think of such people as open minded explorers.

FieryOpal -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/20/2014 9:00:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB quote: FieryOpal However you see defining yourself, or not doing so, is what matters. Many here who are not heavy into D/s (as a lifestyle, unlike yourself) but just want to engage in BDSM play and/or kinky sex call themselves kinksters. I agree; D/s in its purest form is a niche market. As you know, I've been in the BDSM/Fetish business for many years but if I only concentrated my business on the BDSM and D/s I would never of made any money. Kinkster is such a horrible label though, don't you think? It sounds promiscuous and unruly as well as frivolous and somewhat careless. I prefer to think of such people as open minded explorers. Let me clarify that I am into D/s and don't consider myself a kinkster. I don't mind getting lumped into that category, since I find that a good number of those who do use that term for themselves are not into sado-masochism either. I'll tell you, kinkster is better than those selfsame others who find nothing wrong with referring to themselves as "sluts." If they think this gives them permission in their own minds to be sexually open, then that's their business. If some of them think this gives them license to go around (non-consensually) calling all kinky people sluts and acting as if kinky=slutty, then that's where I have to draw the line. To me, them's fighting words (as is whore, cunt, etc.). Bitch has no negative effect on me, if not directed at me disparagingly. (But there are plenty of boys who like to get called a bitch or my bitch. [;)] )

RumpusParable -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/23/2014 9:11:34 AM)
Not in any relationships I can think of, no. Sure, there were in different ones different things I wanted to try or do with them that particular person wasn't into, but nothing beyond what I perceive as normal personal preference limits... nothing to any level where I felt stifled or such.

LookieNoNookie -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/23/2014 2:46:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: smileforme50 I was thinking recently about some of my previous play partners and boyfriends (vanilla but especially kink), and it occurred to me that they all seemed to have very strong preference for A very limited number of play and intimate activities. Four instance one guy I know all we ever did was spank me with wooden paddles, and then ass fuck. This guy was totally into ass play and little else. A couple of other guys the only thing we ever did was me giving them oral (those relationships didn't last long). Another guy I knew, the only thing we ever did was me giving him a massage and a hand job.... Very rarely did we do anything else Now as frustrating as it may have been to be giving him something all the time and never getting anything in return, what bothered me the most was the fact that these guys only ever wanted to do one or two things... while I was looking to try a variety of new things. So I wanted to ask.... Have any of you ever had this experience where your partner has such a limited range of preferences and interestsń ( concerning sex and play) so that they just wanted to do the same few things all the time..... But you were looking for a bit more.........variety? "what bothered me the most was the fact that these guys only ever wanted to do one or two things." I like 3's.

smileforme50 -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/23/2014 3:44:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FieryOpal quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB quote: FieryOpal However you see defining yourself, or not doing so, is what matters. Many here who are not heavy into D/s (as a lifestyle, unlike yourself) but just want to engage in BDSM play and/or kinky sex call themselves kinksters. I agree; D/s in its purest form is a niche market. As you know, I've been in the BDSM/Fetish business for many years but if I only concentrated my business on the BDSM and D/s I would never of made any money. Kinkster is such a horrible label though, don't you think? It sounds promiscuous and unruly as well as frivolous and somewhat careless. I prefer to think of such people as open minded explorers. Let me clarify that I am into D/s and don't consider myself a kinkster. I don't mind getting lumped into that category, since I find that a good number of those who do use that term for themselves are not into sado-masochism either. I'll tell you, kinkster is better than those selfsame others who find nothing wrong with referring to themselves as "sluts." If they think this gives them permission in their own minds to be sexually open, then that's their business. If some of them think this gives them license to go around (non-consensually) calling all kinky people sluts and acting as if kinky=slutty, then that's where I have to draw the line. To me, them's fighting words (as is whore, cunt, etc.). Bitch has no negative effect on me, if not directed at me disparagingly. (But there are plenty of boys who like to get called a bitch or my bitch. [;)] ) Wow...... [sm=agree.gif][sm=agree.gif][sm=agree.gif] 110%

MariaB -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/24/2014 8:21:22 AM)
I don't answer to "slut" and I don't answer to "kinky". I actually like the word slut and have been known to use that word quiet a lot. If a friend said, "you dirty slut" it would be in jest and I wouldn't take offence but if was used as a label on me, well that's different. There are two reason I don't like "kinkster/kinky". Its often used in a derogatory manner by someone who is trying to say, "this person has no serious about them" and its also used widely, at least in the UK, for swingers and by swingers as a self defining label. I've never swung, never wanted to swing and never will swing, therefore, "kinkster" doesn't apply to the definition of who I am and what I'm about. In the UK a "Fetishist" can be a dominant or a submissive; a top/bottom, bi, hetro or switch who is into a few or lots of other things too. It simply means, don't compartmentalize me. This is where terms across the oceans become foggy. Perhaps in America swingers don't use the word "kinkster"? Its a bit like Mistress, Ma'am and Domme. I get the impression that American dominants aren't keen on the word "Mistress" because it has connotations of a kept woman. In the UK the word "Mistress" is very popular, so much so that most dominant women will introduce themselves as a Mistress and not as a dominant woman.

NookieNotes -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/24/2014 12:39:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB I don't answer to "slut" and I don't answer to "kinky". I actually like the word slut and have been known to use that word quiet a lot. If a friend said, "you dirty slut" it would be in jest and I wouldn't take offence but if was used as a label on me, well that's different. There are two reason I don't like "kinkster/kinky". Its often used in a derogatory manner by someone who is trying to say, "this person has no serious about them" and its also used widely, at least in the UK, for swingers and by swingers as a self defining label. I've never swung, never wanted to swing and never will swing, therefore, "kinkster" doesn't apply to the definition of who I am and what I'm about. In the UK a "Fetishist" can be a dominant or a submissive; a top/bottom, bi, hetro or switch who is into a few or lots of other things too. It simply means, don't compartmentalize me. This is where terms across the oceans become foggy. Perhaps in America swingers don't use the word "kinkster"? Its a bit like Mistress, Ma'am and Domme. I get the impression that American dominants aren't keen on the word "Mistress" because it has connotations of a kept woman. In the UK the word "Mistress" is very popular, so much so that most dominant women will introduce themselves as a Mistress and not as a dominant woman. Kinkster for me sounds like Fetishist for you. I don't know any swingers who have used it. I use kinkster on FetLife, simply because I don't feel like explaining myself. A girlfriend chose it (on FL as well), because to her, it sounded like the closest thing to "yes" in the drop down. LOL!

DesFIP -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/24/2014 2:49:16 PM)
I'm fascinated by Maria's description of the British usage of kinkster vs fetishist. Because here it's almost the opposite. Kinkster is used widely but fetishist refers to a specific kind of person. Once again, Churchill's quote about America and England being divided by a common language comes to mind.

FieryOpal -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/24/2014 4:21:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP I'm fascinated by Maria's description of the British usage of kinkster vs fetishist. Because here it's almost the opposite. Kinkster is used widely but fetishist refers to a specific kind of person. Once again, Churchill's quote about America and England being divided by a common language comes to mind. I was thinking the same thing. The American kinksters I know usually don't see what the big deal is about having kinky sex, so that's probably why it has the "swinging" implication, similar to that of a man saying that he has an "open marriage." That doesn't make him polyamorous, inasmuch as he is practicing polyfuckery instead. It does tend to give poly people a bad rap, when it's assumed that they are being flagrantly promiscuous rather than having a closed-loop system. As for Mistress, only my sub gets to call me this (although when someone uses it informally, I don't mind). No doubt many (small "m") mistresses are in charge from behind the scenes, and the mistress of a household or estate is understood to be the Lady of the House. There are women who take issue with being called "ma'am" instead of taking things in stride. (Or men who don't like being called "sir," saying that sir is what their father gets called, not them.) If anybody has an issue with their preferred designation, then it's on them to make that be known in a gracious manner, and not to expect others to read their minds.

wannapleez -> RE: "One Note" (sexually) People (12/24/2014 9:53:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB I get the impression that American dominants aren't keen on the word "Mistress" because it has connotations of a kept woman. Have I just had an odd experience? The vast majority of Domme's that I have served (or even just chatted with) preferred "Mistress". A couple didn't care and asked for my input. When I said that I was most used to saying "Mistress", they were fine with that. Only one wanted something different -- she wanted to be called "Goddess" because it implied a greater obsession and desperation. And all were in the US.

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