quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

I never claimed to speak for everyone, Nookie, of course I'm speaking for myself. wikked was making the claim that the OP's statement that this hurt worse than when it happened in vanilla life I was merely refuting that claim. Furthermore I very much doubt that I'm the only one. Just as I cannot claim that it happens to everyone you and he can't claim it never happens.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

I never claimed to speak for everyone, Nookie, of course I'm speaking for myself. wikked was making the claim that the OP's statement that this hurt worse than when it happened in vanilla life I was merely refuting that claim. Furthermore I very much doubt that I'm the only one. Just as I cannot claim that it happens to everyone you and he can't claim it never happens.

I never would claim it didn't happen. What I'm claiming, and what I read him claiming is that "As we all know..." is stating for everyone.

I have no reason to know if it really is true for her, because she is not speaking for herself. She is speaking for everyone, instead of simply saying, "This was the deepest and most intimate and personal relationship I've ever had..."

I get your point. I think you get mine, as long as you realize I'm not speaking for all against. I do my best to never speak for all, ever. I know too many unique glittery rainbow personalities to want to shut them out of anything.

*smiles*

And many are vanilla, with really enviable relationships.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

I agree with everything you're saying Nookie, however I truly feel in a M/s dynamic (maybe this is exclusively what she meant) which is where a slave entrusts their entire life, well being and soul to their Master, honesty and transparency are that much more important. Imagining having to give up your job, family, friends and life to live with someone in a 24/7 setting where it's a total "make/break" situation topped off with sadism. There is a certain level of comfort that needs to be there. I couldn't even do that with my vanilla friend of 6 years who is one of the strongest, most reliable and responsible people I know. I also can't see myself willfully lying to my boy. I feel this lifestyle allows me to speak much more freely and I speak very candidly with most subs I engage. However little white lies, sure, I have told a few in my time for the sake of tact. "What'd you do last night?" *Flashback to 2 hour session with sub*. "Oh, not much, indulged in my nerd hobbies." If that makes sense but so agreed with you, she did make a slight error with her generalization as some people play in a public setting with strangers and some devote themselves completely to someone who collars them. And some vanilla relationships are more profound than ours and yes, enviable.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

See in the example you give I would want to know you had a 2 hour session with another sub. Then again that's me and I could handle it. I don't know your sub and perhaps he couldn't so I understand why you would do that. But what if he finds out? If it were me it would blow my trust in you and I don't see it as a little white lie. That's why I think being honest is so important, people find out and it's worse than if the truth had been told in the first place.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

See in the example you give I would want to know you had a 2 hour session with another sub. Then again that's me and I could handle it. I don't know your sub and perhaps he couldn't so I understand why you would do that. But what if he finds out? If it were me it would blow my trust in you and I don't see it as a little white lie. That's why I think being honest is so important, people find out and it's worse than if the truth had been told in the first place.

Haha, oh no, was speaking about if I was speaking to my mom or family member/friend and they inquired about my activities the night before, LOL. I don't wanna give the lady a reason to reach for her bible.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark
I do apologise, I completely misread what you are saying. I went back and reread what you wrote and I agree with both this post and the one I was replying to. Clearly I need to make sure I'm more awake than I was when I read that post as well as wikked's

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

I agree with everything you're saying Nookie, however I truly feel in a M/s dynamic (maybe this is exclusively what she meant) which is where a slave entrusts their entire life, well being and soul to their Master, honesty and transparency are that much more important. Imagining having to give up your job, family, friends and life to live with someone in a 24/7 setting where it's a total "make/break" situation topped off with sadism. There is a certain level of comfort that needs to be there.

quote:

If that makes sense but so agreed with you, she did make a slight error with her generalization as some people play in a public setting with strangers and some devote themselves completely to someone who collars them. And some vanilla relationships are more profound than ours and yes, enviable.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes
Oh, and as a side note, the #1 cause of death in pregnant women... men. Yeah. What's the #1 cause of death in women in M/s relationships? I'm guessing NOT men.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RockaRolla

quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes
Oh, and as a side note, the #1 cause of death in pregnant women... men. Yeah. What's the #1 cause of death in women in M/s relationships? I'm guessing NOT men.

How do you figure? In an M/s relationship there's a huge potential for abuse there.

Not saying that M/s relationships are inherently abusive, but it sounds like you're saying an M/s relationship is generally safer than vanilla. Am I misinterpreting?

quote:

ORIGINAL: RockaRolla

quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes
Oh, and as a side note, the #1 cause of death in pregnant women... men. Yeah. What's the #1 cause of death in women in M/s relationships? I'm guessing NOT men.

How do you figure? In an M/s relationship there's a huge potential for abuse there.

Not saying that M/s relationships are inherently abusive, but it sounds like you're saying an M/s relationship is generally safer than vanilla. Am I misinterpreting?

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic

What does that story have to do with telling your partner she looks fat in that dress, or that you hate her mother, or that her cooking sucks, or that your last girlfriend was slightly better in bed???

Since you asked so nicely, I will tell you:

First, your examples: "telling your partner she looks fat in that dress" Not only is this wording dumb, in the real world, it's hurtful. "Honesty without compassion is just brutality, masquerading as virtue"

When my lady asks me if a dress makes her look fat (and I think it does), I simply say something like: "Well, the purple one certainly shows off your figure better". I have now told her that the dress is not complimentary, without being a complete asshole.

I don't hate her mother but, recently, I had to explain to her why I would not be associating with her brothers, anymore (except in very specific, rare, SHORT spurts). I simply sat her down and told her that I found her brothers' behavior toward me to be disrespectful and that I wasn't going to volunteer to be treated that way. I never say "never" but I did tell her that I strongly doubted that I would ever find myself in their presence, again. She took it pretty well, actually and acknowledge that she, too had noticed their behavior.

My lady is fully aware that my cooking is better than hers. It's why I do the bulk of the cooking. I didn't tell her her cooking sucked. I cooked something for her and asked her what she would prefer to eat, on a regular basis. You see, she was honest with me, also.

Your response to me makes it seem as if you were insulted by my post. That was not my intent. You do seem to be a bit defensive, though. Again, that was not my intent but if it bothers you to such a degree, why defend it? Why not change it?



Michael

quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter what the lie is - what matters is the emotional pain it has caused you. It might be the smallest, most insignificant thing in the world, but if it hurts and it stops you from trusting, then it has to be dealt with, regardless of what caused it.

I am not a big fan of suppressing my own emotional responses. I'm old enough and experienced enough to give my gut instinct some credit - I've lost count of the number of times I ignored red flags and continued in relationships that hurt my feelings even worse later down the line. What does your gut instinct say? What evidence do you have that your gut instinct isn't correct?

Give yourself some credit - if it hurts then that's because it was hurtful, not because you're over-reacting. He is downplaying it now because he downplayed it earlier and he will downplay it the next time it happens. It's not a co-incidence that he lied to you about it and now doesn't want to talk about it, they are both symptoms of his lack of concern. He doesn't regard it as important, regardless of your feelings and your lack of trust. Because he doesn't regard it as important it will happen again, your hurt will happen again, he will under react again. You can't change him, and you can't even change yourself, but you can choose whether you stay in a relationship where something incredibly hurtful has already happened to you and will most likely happen again. Do you want it to?

Another viewpoint is to imagine yourself as the perpetrator. Imagine you did what he did. Imagine you reacted as he reacted. Imagine you are now saying what he is now saying. What would your viewpoint have to be in order for you to act like that? Often, when we think of acting in the way we have seen someone else react, it shocks us to consider ourselves doing it. Would you ever lie to him and, if you did, would you respond to his hurt feelings by saying that you are tired of talking about it? What would you have to feel for him in order to act like that?

Relationships are not ultimately about lies or trust or communication - they are about happiness. You are clearly not happy. Acknowledge it and act on it, don't brush your own unhappiness under the carpet for the sake of staying with him.

I personally found some of the replies to your post shockingly unnecessary and offensive and I was surprised that they were not moderated. If people do not wish to give advice or at least sympathy, then why on earth are they posting? I think some people get their jollies from a kind of emotional sadism - kicking someone when they're down. I hope you can ignore them as there are many interesting, intelligent, thoughtful people posting here and it would be a shame to let the haters drown them out.

Good luck!

quote:

ORIGINAL: longing2serveBBW

Best advice anyone can give you is "Get used to it", It's something your going to experience a lot.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

Not if she's careful in her choice of dom. Yeah if she hooks up with one without being careful and yeah if she doesn't listen to her gut feeling but saying get used to it is a copout and an excuse for not vetting a dom before hooking up with him.

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ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

Not if she's careful in her choice of dom. Yeah if she hooks up with one without being careful and yeah if she doesn't listen to her gut feeling but saying get used to it is a copout and an excuse for not vetting a dom before hooking up with him.

THIS^

Best advice for anyone.

I find it odd that people have a good idea of their limits, likes, dislikes, needs, and wants and yet do not do a side by side comparison with a potential partner. 5 by 5 should be the ultimate goal not "meh... you might do."

Jus sayin

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

Not if she's careful in her choice of dom. Yeah if she hooks up with one without being careful and yeah if she doesn't listen to her gut feeling but saying get used to it is a copout and an excuse for not vetting a dom before hooking up with him.

THIS^

Best advice for anyone.

I find it odd that people have a good idea of their limits, likes, dislikes, needs, and wants and yet do not do a side by side comparison with a potential partner. 5 by 5 should be the ultimate goal not "meh... you might do."

Jus sayin

A lesson I learned the hard way but one I won't make again. Listening to that gut feeling is so important, even if the sub doesn't have experience it'll help avoid making a horrible mistake. Even if 5 by 5 isn't possible it is possible to find a D-type with whom we are compatible for the important stuff.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

Not if she's careful in her choice of dom. Yeah if she hooks up with one without being careful and yeah if she doesn't listen to her gut feeling but saying get used to it is a copout and an excuse for not vetting a dom before hooking up with him.

THIS^

Best advice for anyone.

I find it odd that people have a good idea of their limits, likes, dislikes, needs, and wants and yet do not do a side by side comparison with a potential partner. 5 by 5 should be the ultimate goal not "meh... you might do."

Jus sayin

A lesson I learned the hard way but one I won't make again. Listening to that gut feeling is so important, even if the sub doesn't have experience it'll help avoid making a horrible mistake. Even if 5 by 5 isn't possible it is possible to find a D-type with whom we are compatible for the important stuff.

I agree. 5 by 5 is not only possible, but very achievable. It is a game of patience, self awareness, and absolute honesty... the honesty part is a little harder to achieve online, but it is possible.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

quote:

ORIGINAL: longing2serveBBW

Best advice anyone can give you is "Get used to it", It's something your going to experience a lot.

Not if she's careful in her choice of dom. Yeah if she hooks up with one without being careful and yeah if she doesn't listen to her gut feeling but saying get used to it is a copout and an excuse for not vetting a dom before hooking up with him.