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RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/10/2015 8:54:18 AM

SockySockSock

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Joined: 3/9/2015
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quote:

ORIGINAL: UnholyBear

From the sounds of it, you had agreed to not attend small events at her wish, which is all fine and dandy. Now that time has past, why allow someone to continue to dictate whether you can or can't attend an event because they are there also? If you want to go then go. There does come a point where you have to take a stand and not allow the past to affect your actions in the here and now. You stated this was a large event, that does not mean you have to watch her act or even socialize with her if you choose not to. We all probably had something similar like this happen to use and yea it is awkward yet we got through it.

Maybe I should clarify. We broke up less than a week ago. She regularly organizes a small scale event that usually gets less than a dozen people. The next one is later this week. I wouldn't want to go to it even if she hadn't said anything, because I want space too.

Thanks for the thoughts.

Yes the scene is a small world, so most of the people that have been involved for a while ends up having to go through this.

(in reply to UnholyBear)

Post #: 21

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/10/2015 8:55:55 AM

Lucylastic

Posts: 40310
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Im all for doing your thing, and not really wanting to listen to her wishes, she has no control over what you can and cant do.
however Im sorry to say that you are not automatically in the right...your first post says to me you are not over the breakup, even if you wont admit it...the lil digs you made about her performing and how famous she isnt, says so much. Jealousy is something few people will admit to in their own "side" of the story. Sounds to me like you still have some issues to work through, however, I would not hesitate, given more information to be more understanding on "your side" of things.

just my 2 cents...

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(in reply to SockySockSock)

Post #: 22

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/10/2015 9:06:18 AM

littleladybug

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Joined: 5/30/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SockySockSock

When we had the breakup talk, I told her that I was planning to attend with a large group of other people that she barely knows most of. She told me that I could not (even though it is not her event). I hope this was just her speaking without thinking (it was right as we had decided to split), but I worry that this is going to continue.

If you are broken up, why is she telling you what you can and can't do?

If it were me, I would probably be more apt to respect someone's wishes if they phrased it along the lines of "I'd appreciate it if...", rather than "you cannot". Actually, even if I was lukewarm about going to a function, if an ex told me that I "couldn't go", I'd most likely be there with bells on, front and center.

Seriously though, I'd also be worried that this will continue. There have been suggestions as to how to do this in a low-key way. What I would be asking myself is "if not now, when?".

(in reply to SockySockSock)

Post #: 23

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/10/2015 9:09:06 AM

SockySockSock

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Joined: 3/9/2015
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

The more you act like she doesn't exist the better for you both, in fact you probably stirred the pot a bit by posting this. Though it's understandable to not let the vultures know who you are, unless you're trying to communicate with her in some way well...this is you communicating to her indirectly. At some point you both need to let go. I blocked my ex on everything when he confessed he sometimes "looked me up" etc. It's just really unhealthy for either of you to not close the chapter and move on. The less either of you care the less this breakup will affect you. You may never completely get someone out of your system but it's having the emotional maturity to move on. Easier said than done but yea, unless you want to reunite just do it. Giving her any sense of hope at all is far more cruel. Women like closure, in fact go to the event and act like she's not there, there you go. You guys should handle this like adults.

Our split was reasonably amicable as far as these things go, and we have both said that we want to stay friends after a period of no contact. Plus over 18 months we made many mutual friends. Plus she got to know some of my friends, and I got to know some of hers (some very well). I don't want things to be awkward here, and am the type to try and avoid bad-mouthing exes. So I haven't told them about what she said about not wanting me to come to the larger event. Even though it was immature, it is something that she said to me in a private conversation and I don't think it's fair to splash it all around the Internet if people are going to be able to figure out who said it.

She herself doesn't use this site at all. The reason I made a sock puppet account is because some of our friends do (who don't know about the situation).

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 24

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/10/2015 9:16:45 AM

SockySockSock

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Joined: 3/9/2015
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucylastic

Im all for doing your thing, and not really wanting to listen to her wishes, she has no control over what you can and cant do.
however Im sorry to say that you are not automatically in the right...your first post says to me you are not over the breakup, even if you wont admit it...the lil digs you made about her performing and how famous she isnt, says so much. Jealousy is something few people will admit to in their own "side" of the story. Sounds to me like you still have some issues to work through, however, I would not hesitate, given more information to be more understanding on "your side" of things.

just my 2 cents...

I will freely admit that she is very well known in the scene, but as an event organizer, not as a performer (she only got into that this year). And in contrast, some of the other performers are professionals who have got up on stage hundreds of times over a period of many years.

(in reply to Lucylastic)

Post #: 25

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/10/2015 9:37:32 AM

Lucylastic

Posts: 40310
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Ive organized more than a few events, ,and have had vindictive people i had known for a couple of years try to get me ostracised because I wouldnt let a repeat abuser come to an event. There are more than two sides to a story:) boring but true.
Now please dont think that I am on ANY particular side, but I still think you have some issues to deal with....it isnt insurmountable, of course, I wish you luck.
I would advise the same to her if she were to say similar. Who has more to deal with, Im certainly not going to judge...
good luck again.

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(in reply to SockySockSock)

Post #: 26

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/10/2015 2:21:22 PM

DaddySatyr

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From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SockySockSock

When we had the breakup talk, I told her that I was planning to attend with a large group of other people that she barely knows most of. She told me that I could not (even though it is not her event). I hope this was just her speaking without thinking (it was right as we had decided to split), but I worry that this is going to continue.

It will continue ... until you put a stop to it. Being compassionate and understanding is fine, but where do you draw the line?

I agree that staying away from her presentations is respectful of her wishes. The bigger get-together is not hers. Does she have a legitimate "claim" to your acquiescence to her wishes?

You said that you two weren't "involved". Her issues are hers to own and deal with.

I hope you will come back and let us know what you decide.

Michael

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(in reply to SockySockSock)

Post #: 27

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/10/2015 2:26:19 PM

GoddessManko

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From: Dante's Inferno
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Sounds like a lot of drama at these events. I hear a lot of drama at them and the ones who don't see it probably are a part of it. It sounds like a lot of someone trying to out someone, exclude someone or make someone lose recognition/credibility and it screams insecurity to me, sorry. Sounds really messy having a lot of people sort of in your "private life" and outside your dynamic/relationship telling you what to do which is beyond me but familiar to many. I agree with DaddySatyr, you need to draw the line, including not answering her calls if you ask me. I just don't get why you two would even be communicating or why her opinions matter. Because she organizes events? That's a choice ANYONE can make, including yourself. She's not your mother, you can live your life the way you want. You don't need her to validate anything you do. *gasp*

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 3/10/2015 2:28:30 PM >

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(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 28

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/11/2015 2:58:53 AM

MariaB

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I would message her and say that you have given her wishes a lot of consideration and although the last thing you want to do is upset her, you have made the decision to attend this event. Like you say, you don't want to fall out and be sure to tell her that, but what she is asking is unreasonable. What she has to do is learn to deal wither her own expectations and emotions without interfering with yours.

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(in reply to SockySockSock)

Post #: 29

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/12/2015 2:38:47 PM

crumpets

Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
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Time heals all wounds.

Of course, landing someone else to focus your thoughts upon heals them faster.

(in reply to SockySockSock)

Post #: 30

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/14/2015 4:39:41 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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If you had not already promised other people to attend with them, and she already knew that, I might suggest skipping this and avoiding seeing her for a month.

However, you are not attending in order to sit in the front row at her demo. You won't even go watch her. As long as you avoid being in conversations that she is already in, she has no right to ask this of you.

However, what you did wrong was knowingly continuing to play with her when you knew she had become attached. You saw her becoming jealous when you played with others and you ignored it. That was wrong of you. You didn't talk with her about it, you continued getting what you wanted out of her while knowing she would be hurt.
It's more than understandable that she doesn't want to see you especially when she's trying to focus on giving a workshop.

If you can be low key and stay out of her way, then go. Otherwise take the high road and give her the time she needs to heal.

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Post #: 31

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/14/2015 5:46:06 PM

ChrchofDrk

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How is it his fault she was becoming attached?

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 32

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/15/2015 9:48:40 PM

EroticHypnotist

Posts: 25
Joined: 10/28/2009
From: London, UK
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The best response so far. Twice a week for 18 months you interacted with her. There are emotions involved and it would be cruel to her to attend this event, so soon after the break up if only for the fact that she needs all her resources and faculties about her as she "performs". Emotions aren't a tap to be switched off.

I'm sure had it been 6 or even 3 months down the line, she wouldn't have been making such an "unreasonable" request of you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If you had not already promised other people to attend with them, and she already knew that, I might suggest skipping this and avoiding seeing her for a month.

However, you are not attending in order to sit in the front row at her demo. You won't even go watch her. As long as you avoid being in conversations that she is already in, she has no right to ask this of you.

However, what you did wrong was knowingly continuing to play with her when you knew she had become attached. You saw her becoming jealous when you played with others and you ignored it. That was wrong of you. You didn't talk with her about it, you continued getting what you wanted out of her while knowing she would be hurt.
It's more than understandable that she doesn't want to see you especially when she's trying to focus on giving a workshop.

If you can be low key and stay out of her way, then go. Otherwise take the high road and give her the time she needs to heal.

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(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 33

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/15/2015 10:08:52 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChrchofDrk

How is it his fault she was becoming attached?

Anyone who owns a penis (attached) is automatically at fault, around here. There has to be SOMETHING they did wrong.

Michael

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A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to ChrchofDrk)

Post #: 34

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/15/2015 10:29:51 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChrchofDrk

How is it his fault she was becoming attached?

Fault? If I played with someone twice a week for 18 months, I might get attached.

It happens, passion produces feelings.

(in reply to ChrchofDrk)

Post #: 35

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/15/2015 10:39:29 PM

EroticHypnotist

Posts: 25
Joined: 10/28/2009
From: London, UK
Status: offline

Of course, some may assume we can just walk away from this, like a dog walks away from frenetic copulation like nothing significant just happened.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChrchofDrk

How is it his fault she was becoming attached?

Fault? If I played with someone twice a week for 18 months, I might get attached.

It happens, passion produces feelings.

_____________________________

http://www.queencleopatra.co.uk

Live Face To Face Hypnosis Sessions in London.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 36

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/16/2015 12:16:23 AM

SockySockSock

Posts: 14
Joined: 3/9/2015
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

...

However, what you did wrong was knowingly continuing to play with her when you knew she had become attached. You saw her becoming jealous when you played with others and you ignored it. That was wrong of you. You didn't talk with her about it, you continued getting what you wanted out of her while knowing she would be hurt.
It's more than understandable that she doesn't want to see you especially when she's trying to focus on giving a workshop.

If you can be low key and stay out of her way, then go. Otherwise take the high road and give her the time she needs to heal.

A few things I should point out:

Firstly, she always insisted that I was free to play with other people, and explicitly denied feeling jealousy. This happened at numerous times throughout the 18 months (most recently when we were having our breakup talk). The reason I think she was jealous is because she began picking fights with me (mostly about unrelated things) when I started seeing other people. Sometimes she would ask me questions comparing her to other play partners.

But when I tried to bring the issue into the open, she would always insist that she didn't feel jealousy. Am I responsible for her feelings if she refuses to admit to having them? Some might say no, maybe you say yes. But personally I don't think the answer is clear cut.

Secondly, while I was playing with many other people in the last 6 months or so of our relationship, she has been playing with many times that, for the whole 18 months. I couldn't even begin to count the number. I genuinely never felt jealousy because I knew we had agreed that I could have partners of my own. But if she wants to keep doing this while wanting monogamy from me (consciously or unconsciously), then it is definitely for the best that we split up, because the cuckolding lifestyle really isn't my scene.

Finally, I have always considered a workshop to be something with an element of teaching to it. What she is doing is going to require very little audience interaction. Even so, I understand why my presence might throw her off. Which is part of the reason why I don't want to be in the room during her performance (the other part is that I want space myself).

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 37

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/16/2015 5:35:00 AM

ChrchofDrk

Posts: 304
Joined: 7/24/2013
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Honestly, in my opinion, she just sounds like a spoiled child who's used to getting her way. She wants to set the rules and that's not the way it works. Too bad on her. Attend the bigger event. Don't attend her little events. Nor have anything at all to do with her for awhile. If that hurts her precious one feeling, too fuckin bad. So long and good riddance. My tolerance level for people like this is very low

(in reply to SockySockSock)

Post #: 38

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/16/2015 5:59:59 AM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
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From: The Shire
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I also sorta don't feel that bad for her. I mean a little- but she should have been honest with her feelings.

One can't correct a problem if they didn't know they were there. You've gotten a lot of good advice Socky.
I hope it all works out for you.

(in reply to ChrchofDrk)

Post #: 39

RE: Ex play partner wants me not to attend event - 3/16/2015 6:07:04 AM

Kittenluv954

Posts: 237
Joined: 3/18/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChrchofDrk

How is it his fault she was becoming attached?

Anyone who owns a penis (attached) is automatically at fault, around here. There has to be SOMETHING they did wrong.

Michael

just like anyone without one is a vapid bitch out to screw over and victimize you blameless men huh DS? still singing the same repetitive song i see, only thing missing is your personal horror story to "prove" your point.

< Message edited by Kittenluv954 -- 3/16/2015 6:29:20 AM >

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 40

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