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RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 8:38:12 AM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		My late husband was unhappy with our sex life. He knew exactly what the problem was. We discussed it. I gladly gave into what he wanted. He wanted lots of sex, every day and he was sure that would solve the problem. So for 5 months we made like bunnies. We had sex every single day. We had sex that lasted 3-4 hours. On weekends we found time to have 2 sessions a day. He appeared to be happy. After 5 months he realized he was not happier than he'd been before our sex binge. He was just an unhappy person who never could figure out what he wanted or needed. We never had sex again. Shortly afterward he became ill and very depressed and passed away about a year or so later.

If you get what you want, you might find out that thinking about what you want was better than actually getting what you want.

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Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to theDominantGent)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 8:44:35 AM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

My late husband was unhappy with our sex life. He knew exactly what the problem was. We discussed it. I gladly gave into what he wanted. He wanted lots of sex, every day and he was sure that would solve the problem. So for 5 months we made like bunnies. We had sex every single day. We had sex that lasted 3-4 hours. On weekends we found time to have 2 sessions a day. He appeared to be happy. After 5 months he realized he was not happier than he'd been before our sex binge. He was just an unhappy person who never could figure out what he wanted or needed. We never had sex again. Shortly afterward he became ill and very depressed and passed away about a year or so later.

If you get what you want, you might find out that thinking about what you want was better than actually getting what you want.


That bit of wisdom applies all over our lives.


_____________________________

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~ Rumi

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(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 8:55:44 AM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		LOL Open marriage is what the couple decides it will be.
Not what one person demands it should be.
yes your open marriage idea , would not be the same as my marriage.
Im living mine, you arent....
If my husband wanted to get his somewhere else without discussing it and having an understanding about it. it would be violating our understanding and my trust AND my respect..
Ive had one "intimate" partner outside of my husband in 30 years. He met my ex sub, they sat down and talked before our second in person get together.



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Profile   Post #: 63
RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 9:09:34 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:


My late husband was unhappy with our sex life. He knew exactly what the problem was. We discussed it. I gladly gave into what he wanted. He wanted lots of sex, every day and he was sure that would solve the problem. So for 5 months we made like bunnies. We had sex every single day. We had sex that lasted 3-4 hours. On weekends we found time to have 2 sessions a day. He appeared to be happy. After 5 months he realized he was not happier than he'd been before our sex binge.


I am really sorry to hear about your husband's lost and confusion about what he really wants. But you loved him enough to try to give him what he think he needed and want, so you know you gave your all and held nothing back from him. As you said, the problem is truly just him and him, himself. It may not always be this case though, as in the person thinks what they want isn't really what they want. I was just thinking, imagine if you had refuse him what he wanted, and the same result happened. He still passed away, it would have been worst, you'd be left wondering if there would be any difference if you simply gave him what he wanted, which you did. So I hope that gave you peace, even though, it didn't work to make him happy, but it truly and clearly, without a single doubt, was purely his own issues and nothing to do with you.

I had all the sex and kink I wanted for 2.5 years with my x-dom. It was everything I imagined it to be. Super happy and delirious in it. Too bad we were not in the same direction for life and outside of bedroom/kink realities for it to work out for life. And recently, I met someone who again is capable of giving me all the unlimited sex I want and always wanted, and I thought he was gonna make me feel like, this is too much for me, I'm sick of it, because I think to date, his probably the highest of the highest sex drive male I ever met. But again, I am absolutely loving it and kinda just can't get enough. The only problem is I wish we had more time together but tough due to his hectic work and travel schedule. Real life gets in the way, but it's seriously like, one of the best finds of my life. A man who actually has a high sex drive. Again, that is rare for me, anyway, to the extremities that I like it.

I don't know if OP thinks he will be significantly happier if he had a kink partner. That's a question he has to answer himself. But he might or he might not.

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Profile   Post #: 64
RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 9:12:58 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucylastic

If my husband wanted to get his somewhere else without discussing it and having an understanding about it. it would be violating our understanding and my trust AND my respect..
Ive had one "intimate" partner outside of my husband in 30 years. He met my ex sub, they sat down and talked before our second in person get together.

That is an open marriage. Open marriage is all about open communication and honesty. Without communication, of course open marriages cannot work.

I don't know why you think open marriages means, fuck others and don't consult your spouse. That's called cheating and fucking behind their back. That's not an open marriage.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 2/1/2016 9:13:37 AM >

(in reply to Lucylastic)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 9:45:42 AM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		and that is what a large number of people use as an excuse to cheat without telling.
"oh we have an open marriage, but she doesnt know im doing it right now. Or Im trying to convince her, she'll be fine"
By the way open marriage using a dictionary, not just your "sense" is
o·pen mar·riage
noun
a marriage or relationship in which both partners agree that each may have sexual relations with others..

No, my husband does not have the right to go and chase some tail because Im doing it, or have done it.
WE agreed that he would tell me first. Not just go out and present one to me.






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Profile   Post #: 66
RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 5:35:42 PM   
theDominantGent


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/29/2016
Status: offline 		hello everyone

first and foremost, i would like to thank each and every person who has posted their opinions and advice on this thread. thank you for taking the time to read and think through this. it means a lot to me.

i would specifically like to thank LadyPact, Greta, freedomdwarf and WayWardWolf for their opinions. this is not to say that i do not respect what others have had to say, it is only because possibly the intention of my post was conveyed to these particular people. i have read some other opinions which were hurtful to read because they assumed me to be someone / something that I am not. but i wont hold anyone to that. you dont know me, 6 lines wont explain me, so it is natural to misjudge people. thank you too for your time. maybe i should have chosen my words more wisely, maybe i could have communicated more clearly. thats the only lesson i shall take from those comments.

just to be clear - i am not looking for a ratification to go and cheat. i shall never cheat on my wife. i care immensely for my wife; i do not eat my food until she has had her own. i have not waited till marriage to "reveal my true self" to her. i am sure you all understand it is not amusing to be in the situation i am in now, and if i could have avoided it i would have. do i love her? i am cautious of saying something like that. each one of us has our own conception and definition of what love is. by saying "i love my wife" do i mean i love her in my definition or hers? i would love to love her for what i consider love, but that gives her unhappiness and that i shall not accept. i wish i could love her for what she considers love, but that is hard for me. that was the point of this post. i am confused to hear (on one post) that an honorable man would not ask this question. are we implying there are no honorable men here?

a couple of genuine questions raised -

1. why do i have "seeking submissive ..." marked in my profile - well and truly pointed out. i filled that out under the impression that a question like "are you interested in women or men" is simply meant to mark you as straight or homosexual. i was not thinking that the keyword would be "interested", but now that i read your point i agree it sends the wrong signal. i shall have it redacted.

2. where was i (LadyPact) - i was travelling half way round the world for work, and sitting underground attending meetings all day. that takes a little time. i am sorry.

in the remaining posts, overall the sentiment that has been repeatedly echoed seems to be - your happiness matters, just as much as your wife's does. that i should try to patch things up within the confines of our own limits, and the territory that we consider adjustment and not compromise. there have been observations of maturity because i married young without having checked sexual compatibility. i understand many of you were born and brought up in cultures where this is very normal. in my country, it is not. do i like that ? definitely not, but we all have to acquiesce something to stay social. it is sad that i adjusted on something that should have been more critical than saving social face (which is looking quite precarious at this point anyways). yes i regret it, but i dont have a time machine. on the maturity part - i'll merely and humbly say, i'm mature enough to take all the 65 statements written above this with grace, even when some have grossly misjudged my character. people change and evolve at every stage of their life, marrying at 35 is not a guarantee against it.

i shall try to do what some of you have wisely and most helpfully advised. could i request any specific lines of action from those who have been through similar times? what is a good, gentle way of trying to experiment without causing her pain or sadness, while allowing me to express myself maybe a little more? please let me know. i am willing to try anything to make this work, even if it brings a little more happiness to us both. if that is really not happening .... i think i will need to sit and stare at the sky for a long time to figure out how to file away 5 years of togetherness into a box of obsolete memories.

thank you all again, i had never expected so much support from people i dont know.

< Message edited by theDominantGent -- 2/1/2016 5:52:42 PM >

(in reply to Lucylastic)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 5:50:07 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucylastic

and that is what a large number of people use as an excuse to cheat without telling.
"oh we have an open marriage, but she doesnt know im doing it right now. Or Im trying to convince her, she'll be fine"

How can it be an open marriage if the wife doesn't know or his trying to convince her? That's not an open marriage.

The definition you gave me, clearly says, both party must mutually agree if they want to sleep with other people.

In this example you gave, the wife did not agree.

Open marriage is not an open marriage UNLESS both parties agree.

That's why yours is an open marriage.

Because you seek each other agreement before having sex with others.

Having sex with others without your spouse expressed approval is NOT an open marriage, but cheating.


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Profile   Post #: 68
RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 5:53:16 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
That much sex sounds like someone trying to fill up an empty space. IMO obligatory sex is worse than sexual deprivation. Of course, everything within reason.

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Profile   Post #: 69
RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 5:53:46 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		@thedominantgent

Is this an arranged marriage? I just notice in your profile that you are Indian.
In my country, many Indian men still marry women chosen by their mothers, and not themselves, even though they love someone else. There does seem to still be alot of pressure for them to marry a woman of their mother's choice.

Whatever cultural restrictions you have, it would be a waste of both of your youth to languish away staying with someone whom you can't feel happy with. The longer you wait, the worst it will be. Also, your wife really deserves happiness too, and she needs the time and youth to find the next person. You shouldn't hang on to her, and let her go.
There is nothing mild you can do, because your wife is uncomfortable with it. She's just not into the kinks, and you can't make her. That is the painful reality, and you got to be brave to make the difficult decision for both of you.




< Message edited by Greta75 -- 2/1/2016 5:57:14 PM >

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RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 5:56:49 PM   
theDominantGent


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/29/2016
Status: offline 		i am sorry (?) to say it is not. i loved her for who she was outside the bedroom. i still do. i did not get a chance to love her for who she was inside the bedroom - it was not a choice given to me. did i have the opportunity to seize it? yes i did. my wife (then my fiancee) asked me not to, that she wanted to wait till marriage. i agreed, since it made her feel happier. sometimes things that you do thinking you are smart and good come back and bite you. such is life.

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RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 5:59:12 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theDominantGent
.
. could i request any specific lines of action from those who have been through similar times? what is a good, gentle way of trying to experiment without causing her pain or sadness, while allowing me to express myself maybe a little more? please let me know.


Not sure what you are asking for here. Your OP indicates you have discussed your desires with your wife and that you have tried some kink but it isn't to her liking at all. We have no idea what you have discussed with her but from what you have said she listened, she tried to please you and it makes her sad and hurting. Repeating yourself would probably make her feel defensive and that is when communication breaks down.
As I suggested in my post, decide which is most important to you (the marriage or kinky sex) I doubt you will get both.

Edited for typos

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RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 6:01:01 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy


That much sex sounds like someone trying to fill up an empty space. IMO obligatory sex is worse than sexual deprivation. Of course, everything within reason.


You think that's too much sex? Once a day, or twice a day? Seriously?

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Profile   Post #: 73
RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 6:07:06 PM   
theDominantGent


Posts: 7
Joined: 1/29/2016
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

quote:

ORIGINAL: theDominantGent
.
. could i request any specific lines of action from those who have been through similar times? what is a good, gentle way of trying to experiment without causing her pain or sadness, while allowing me to express myself maybe a little more? please let me know.


Not sure what you are asking for here. Your OP indicates you have discussed your desires with your wife and that you have tried some kink but it isn't to her liking at all. We have no idea what you have discussed with her but from what you have said she listened, she tried to please you and it makes her sad and hurting. Repeating yourself would probably make her feel defensive and that is when communication breaks down.
As I suggested in my post, decide which is most important to you (the marriage or kinky sex) I doubt you will get both.

Edited for typos


just because i tried does not mean i tried in the right way. maybe there is a better way. could you suggest one, if any?

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 6:57:15 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theDominantGent
just because i tried does not mean i tried in the right way. maybe there is a better way. could you suggest one, if any?

You can't convert a vanilla into kinks. It's like telling a straight man to be gay.
You are gonna have to choose. Her or your kinks. And then try to be happy with that decision.
You can't change her to like this. It's not within her capability, as it's not her. She's just not into this.

(in reply to theDominantGent)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 7:05:46 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		I've only read the OP and this is a FR.

When I got married I was 24, while experienced with sex I was not experienced with relationships and didn't know myself very well. By our fourth year of marriage I was pretty unhappy, something was very much missing and eventually I figured out that I was missing a dominant personality in my partner. I spent the next decade trying to turn him into what I needed, it was terribly unfair of me but I didn't see that until later.

He could not live up to my needs or expectations, not from a lack within himself but because his personality just didn't lend itself to being dominant.

It took several more years of struggle (okay, it took seventeen years lol) before I gave in to what I needed and divorced him. Please understand that was not the only reason for divorce but it was an integral part of our mismatch.

To me BDSM is important. Not just the kink but the actual dynamic, in order for me to thrive I need a dominant. In order for my ex husband to thrive, well he needed a vanilla partner.

Divorce isn't easy but for me it was easier than staying where I felt unmoored and deeply unhappy.

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RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 7:30:37 PM   
Wayward5oul


Posts: 3314
Joined: 11/9/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

quote:

ORIGINAL: theDominantGent
.
. could i request any specific lines of action from those who have been through similar times? what is a good, gentle way of trying to experiment without causing her pain or sadness, while allowing me to express myself maybe a little more? please let me know.


Not sure what you are asking for here. Your OP indicates you have discussed your desires with your wife and that you have tried some kink but it isn't to her liking at all. We have no idea what you have discussed with her but from what you have said she listened, she tried to please you and it makes her sad and hurting. Repeating yourself would probably make her feel defensive and that is when communication breaks down.
As I suggested in my post, decide which is most important to you (the marriage or kinky sex) I doubt you will get both.

Edited for typos

Agreed.
It sounds to me like the both of you have given an honest shot at working through this, but that you are now at an impasse.

With the completely limited bit of knowledge I have here, my personal opinion is that this is not a situation where there is a middle ground. Your wife has expressed her unhappiness with the situation, after giving it a sincere effort.

While I mentioned discussing having a non-sexual play partner, nothing about anything you have said suggests she would be open to that.

You need to decide what/who you can and can't live without. Anything less than that would be a disservice to your wife. Either decide that she is more important, and recommit to that, or let her go so that the two of you are free to find someone who can fulfill you and bring you happiness.

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 9:15:40 PM   
DisabledMistress


Posts: 18
Joined: 7/30/2014
Status: offline 		I'm curious as to why you feel like you were not given a choice to love her for who she was inside the bedroom? Not criticising, just trying to see how that could have happened
quote:

ORIGINAL: theDominantGent

i am sorry (?) to say it is not. i loved her for who she was outside the bedroom. i still do. i did not get a chance to love her for who she was inside the bedroom - it was not a choice given to me. did i have the opportunity to seize it? yes i did. my wife (then my fiancee) asked me not to, that she wanted to wait till marriage. i agreed, since it made her feel happier. sometimes things that you do thinking you are smart and good come back and bite you. such is life.


(in reply to theDominantGent)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 9:59:31 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DisabledMistress
I'm curious as to why you feel like you were not given a choice to love her for who she was inside the bedroom? Not criticising, just trying to see how that could have happened


She didn't allow him to have sex with her before marriage. So he waited and respected her decision. So it was only after marriage that he was able to know if they were compatible or not in the bedroom. So that's what he means by he had no choice in that matter.

But I believe Indian culture is still extremely conservative and don't usually practice this sex before marriage thingy.

Also, there is this perpertual myth that people spread around that if you love someone, you will automatically, naturally, just miraculously enjoy and love sex with that person.

In reality. This almost never happens. It's like one of those fairytales or myths people tell you when you are a kid to keep you from having sex before marriage.

Perhaps it's just my crowd. Most of my girlfriends were virgins in marriage. I was a technical virgin in my own marriage too. As in, my hymen got first broken by my x-husband. Women still practice virginity here. And NOT ONE of them tell me they like it, infact, they often look at me puzzled why I like sex so much. They have all certainly married good men they love and they have kids together. But they think sex is over-rated and would be happy never having sex again, if only their hubby could live without it. My view is that, their hubby is not compatible with them in bed. But unfortunately, that's the only sex they will ever experience, so that's their only experience of it, and it was lacklustre. Many of my friends married men who were virgins too. My own x-husband was also a virgin with me, he didn't even know i had to be wet for him to penetrate me. So inexperience man also...., basically two clueless sexual beginners trying to figure it out. 50-50 of whether they gonna enjoy each other.

Because if this myth was true. Most people who marries usually in majority cases, will marry who they love. And there will never be any cheating going on ever again, because two people who fall inlove will automatically love sex with each other.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 2/1/2016 10:12:35 PM >

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RE: What does an honorable man do if he is not sexually... - 2/1/2016 11:14:53 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: theDominantGent
just because i tried does not mean i tried in the right way. maybe there is a better way. could you suggest one, if any?

You can't convert a vanilla into kinks. It's like telling a straight man to be gay.
You are gonna have to choose. Her or your kinks. And then try to be happy with that decision.
You can't change her to like this. It's not within her capability, as it's not her. She's just not into this.


She's right. While I don't like the comparison very much (because it confuses some people) there parallel is exactly like that.

If somebody tried to tell me tomorrow that I had to be a submissive in the bedroom or had to enjoy having sex with women against my personal orientation, I'd tell them to f*** off.

I'm inclined to say there isn't a "better way" of doing this. Would there be a "better way" for you to live a gay lifestyle for the next 20-30 years? I'm guessing not. If your spouse came to you tomorrow and said that her only sexual happiness would be for you to be sleeping with other men, what does that sexual future look like to you?

From what I'm reading, she tried. Heck, she probably tried more than I'd be willing to do, so we're not looking at a compromise situation.

I didn't want to turn this into a poly thread but I'm going to stick my neck out there. If your spouse is being coerced into a poly situation against her wishes and is *only* agreeing because they don't have other options, that's pretty awful. I've seen people push their spouse into poly because of the financial situation or because of the off-spring, and it's just terrible. They are the kind of people who want to do the exploration and still keep the spouse in the back pocket and that is NOT what you do when you love someone. In my opinion, that's not love. That's unhealthy co-dependency.



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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 80
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