RE: Wrong Vs. Not right

RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

ExiledTyrant -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 8:18:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinFix @Exiled I understand that I guess to clarify more, on the preferences, our preference make us who we are, so in having the S change to the D preference, wouldn't that just make a "carbon" copy of the D? I prefer redheads, but my needs require a great connection. Someone that I Am Crazy About... yes, I prefer natural redheads, but I don't need one. I need someone that I am crazy about and her hair color, or absence of hair, isn't going to change who I am.

LadyPact -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 8:21:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinFix Just a pondering question for the D types, If the submissive (for debates sake, always) gives up their preference for the "accommodation" of the dominant, would that end up changing the submissive too much in the long term from what attracted them to you in the first place? This could potentially be very interesting. Mostly because I think the question is so vast. If you mean things like am I going to make you eat your steak rare, because I prefer mine rare, even though you like yours well done, no, I'm not going to do that. Am I going to ask you to change your style of dress overall? Probably not, but I will tell you that I want you in something better than a stained shirt and a torn up pair of jeans if we're going out. I've got a hair pulling fetish. Will I ask you to grow it under certain conditions, yes. Certain bad habits? Yep, some things really do have to go. The more serious something is, the less likely I'm going to tolerate it. I'll give people more than one chance but if something is just causing discord, I'm going to end up going for peace and harmony. The words, "if you don't like it, there's the door," definitely have come out of my mouth if somebody is pushing something that is by no means acceptable. I'd be more than willing to give a better answer if I had a good example.

SinFix -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 8:26:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact This could potentially be very interesting. Mostly because I think the question is so vast. If you mean things like am I going to make you eat your steak rare, because I prefer mine rare, even though you like yours well done, no, I'm not going to do that. Am I going to ask you to change your style of dress overall? Probably not, but I will tell you that I want you in something better than a stained shirt and a torn up pair of jeans if we're going out. I've got a hair pulling fetish. Will I ask you to grow it under certain conditions, yes. Yes, that is what I am wondering, if by changing their preferences to be more of a copy of yours. Such as the steak, doing the dishes, vacuuming, things of that nature. @exiled (sorry for not quoting cause my brain ain't being quick enough to figure out how to multi quote several people on one response.) I can see that, so for you it isn't necessarily the preferences but more of your needs/wants?

SinFix -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 8:31:44 AM)
This is in general not to or about any one specifically, I am just wondering and questioning this to see how blurred the wrong/not right can get for people. I don't use the wrong/not right because it is negative, where as a preference is positive. So, by telling an S that your preference is for knives to dry such and such way is positive as opposed to telling the S that they are not right. If the goal by the D is to "create" an S more like themselves, would the use of wrong/not right be counter productive and have S's building resentment or damaging their esteem?

ExiledTyrant -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 8:50:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinFix @exiled (sorry for not quoting cause my brain ain't being quick enough to figure out how to multi quote several people on one response.) I can see that, so for you it isn't necessarily the preferences but more of your needs/wants? My preferences just lend to my individuality. They are not necessary to my core happiness. At best my preferences, when ignored, could become an irritation. I have a Porsche that I will not allow anyone to drive unless I know that they can drive a stick... a Porsche handles like it's on rails, so even if you're a bit of a distracted driver, I'd prefer you drive the Porsche because of the way it handles, as long as I do not have to replace the clutch because you don't know or drive a stick well. It is a preference that you take the car that will respond INSTANTLY and stop on a dime (it actually will, it's quite amazing) if the need should arise. I want you to come back home safely and if that means the Porsche becomes a crumpled chunk of metal that saved your life, perfect! I can get a new Porsche, I can't get a new you. I prefer you know how to drive a stick, I prefer you to drive the safest vehicle I can put you in, I prefer to not have to do unnecessary repairs, but doing those repairs isn't going to change or damage who I am, because in the end, things are just things, but you are the real prize. Now, when I get sick I wan't to crawl off and die or get better. I prefer people just leave me alone and see if I walk out of the bedroom or if the coroner carries me out. My past experiences have set the preference within me. To date, I've not had anyone in my life that inspires me to change that preference, but I am very open to the possibility of someone coming into my life that can and will change that. When I am sick I don't want to be disturbed, because in the past people have just been disturbing. It's a conundrum for me, as much as I don't want to be the contagion that makes you sick... hence, leave me alone... to have someone pile up beside me is appealing as well. But historically, they've all been insensitive or indifferent. Although it is a big preference, I am willing to test that and see where it goes. The worst that happens is it remains a preference, the best that happens is I have a snuggle buddy that just want's to be by my side sick or not, thick or thin.

ExiledTyrant -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 9:00:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinFix This is in general not to or about any one specifically, I am just wondering and questioning this to see how blurred the wrong/not right can get for people. I don't use the wrong/not right because it is negative, where as a preference is positive. So, by telling an S that your preference is for knives to dry such and such way is positive as opposed to telling the S that they are not right. If the goal by the D is to "create" an S more like themselves, would the use of wrong/not right be counter productive and have S's building resentment or damaging their esteem? I've not ever said "Bitch, that's the wrong fucking way to do it" or " hey, that's not right." Sometimes I will allow someone to put their hands in my sink... but they usually have to stay the night first... but that usually means I made pancakes for breakfast and their will be no cutlery to wash. However, anyone that's take meals at my house, if they've paid attention, have seen the cutlery go to the block to dry. If they've reached the point where they've had their hands in my sink a few times and they put the cutlery in the drain, then I will pick them out, put them in the block, and tell them "I dry the knives in the block". About the ninth time we've had this conversation I am irritated. Intellectually, every time we bring someone new into our lives, we internalize the "Right, not right, correct, incorrect, and wrong". We may not always verbalize it, but we internalize it. When people come to my house... I spend a lot of time outside and will be spending more, I'm building a community garden... the smokers make the mistake of tossing cigarette butts on the ground. First thing I do is teach them to strip the butt and put it in their pocket. If we have that conversation for the fourth time I tell them if they cannot handle the job of policing their cigarette butts, don't come back. It's a total pet-peeve for me and makes the land look tacky as hell.

LadyPact -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 9:06:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinFix Yes, that is what I am wondering, if by changing their preferences to be more of a copy of yours. Such as the steak, doing the dishes, vacuuming, things of that nature. Here's one of the ways I think we see this differently. No submissive is ever going to have equal say in my house. If you happen to be more domestic/neater than me, knock yourself out. If you're less domestic than me, yeah, you probably have to come up to my standard, rather than be Oscar Madison. It's not that I don't want you to be comfortable. I just want my surroundings to be what I consider livable. I want my furniture to remain in the same condition. That kind of thing.

SinFix -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 9:14:28 AM)
Damn quotes.. okay in order of the responses, Exiled I can appreciate preferences that in the long term would be beneficial to all involved. As for the sickness, I can understand the motive to allow for different preferences. Thank you for that insight, I can only imagine how others interact. So, to make your preference known it is just a simple this is how I want it done? or would there be a more outlined this is how I want it done, remember because this is what I want it done from now on kinda thing?

shiftyw -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 9:16:20 AM)
This conversation has gone way over my head. I'm way with crazyml on this one. "Not right" and "wrong" are too subtlety different for me to really understand this.

SinFix -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 9:19:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: SinFix Yes, that is what I am wondering, if by changing their preferences to be more of a copy of yours. Such as the steak, doing the dishes, vacuuming, things of that nature. Here's one of the ways I think we see this differently. No submissive is ever going to have equal say in my house. If you happen to be more domestic/neater than me, knock yourself out. If you're less domestic than me, yeah, you probably have to come up to my standard, rather than be Oscar Madison. It's not that I don't want you to be comfortable. I just want my surroundings to be what I consider livable. I want my furniture to remain in the same condition. That kind of thing. Okay, not sure how I conveyed that the types would be equal but I get that this is the standard you wish to set. On that note though, what would be your motivation to "create" a submissive that has the preferences that you want? It appears that to change a S preference and ensure that it is followed would require extraneous work when wouldn't the hope be for a more harmonious interaction from the beginning?

SinFix -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 9:22:11 AM)
Sorry Shifty, in an attempt to understand the not right/wrong and how a D sets or believes this should be followed has this thread twisted and muddled at best..

ExiledTyrant -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 9:31:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinFix Damn quotes.. okay in order of the responses, Exiled I can appreciate preferences that in the long term would be beneficial to all involved. As for the sickness, I can understand the motive to allow for different preferences. Thank you for that insight, I can only imagine how others interact. So, to make your preference known it is just a simple this is how I want it done? or would there be a more outlined this is how I want it done, remember because this is what I want it done from now on kinda thing? Okay, this may seem out of left field or just strike you wrong, but considering you are a mother, you should get it. My favorite job EVER was being a dad. I wasn't the 30 min a dad, I was a stay at home, raise them from the moment they got out of the hospital dad. I loved, loved, loved every second of it. Even the bad parts... when they're sick as hell, you comfort them, and Mt. Vesuvius erupts all over you plastering your clothes to your skin and plastering your hair to your face. Most people tap out right there, I didn't have that option and I didn't want or need that option. I just took the babe into the shower with me and washed off the layers of sickness. I haven't ever lost patients with kids. I'm not wired that way. If it took a thousand different ways to get them to understand X, I did it a thousand different ways. That calm patients is my most prominent trait. I have very very few things that are intolerable to me, hard limits if you will, and those are the GTFO right now things... particularly fidelity and conflict resolution are GTFO things for me. My expectation of fidelity is clearly defined on that other site and when it comes to conflict resolution I expect it to be resolved. I have a 0 tolerance for bitching and I will NOT bitch... it resolves nothing and diminishes the connection you have with each other. I don't expect to place an order with Build-A-Babe workshop and have her arrive knowing exactly how I like X Y or Z. It's about acclimation... I'll point you back to the salt shaker... put that bitch where ever you want it, just leave it there once you decide where you like it. I'll happily figure out where YOU like to keep stuff or I'll just ask. I won't even question why there is a cup of freshly sharpened pencils in the fridge, I'll just wait to see how that evolves.

shiftyw -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 9:41:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinFix Sorry Shifty, in an attempt to understand the not right/wrong and how a D sets or believes this should be followed has this thread twisted and muddled at best.. Yah I'm also really not D/s so it doesn't really matter? However- some of this might be why I don't do D/s... To me- accommodating a partner is important in vanilla. Since I don't really give a shit how dishes are loaded or put away (Sorry LP- haha)- and since he does- imma just do it how he wants because its way more important to him than me. I HATE that he thinks you don't need a plastic shower curtain on the inside of a cloth one [:@]- we have plastic shower curtains inside our cloth ones because he knows he just doesn't care about it- and I do. Our relationship is vanilla for the most part outside of the bedroom. If anything is too big to compromise on- it becomes an incompatibility- if that is a deal breaker- we break up. I agree there is a difference between saying "You're wrong" and "You're wrong for me" but I don't see the difference in "You're wrong" and "You're not right" Am I even close to what we are talking about? I have to go back and read the OP again I think...

LadyPact -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 9:44:45 AM)
First, I do have to say to littleladybug, I definitely get you. I absolutely think my dish quirk is funny. Most other people think it's funny. Yes. There is a sense of humor about it. Do I foresee myself ever changing the way I do the dishes? Probably not. (By the way, I load the glasses from back to front, too.) ExT, I am with you that you clean top to bottom, rather than bottom to top. Just no point in doing the floor first and THEN, dusting or doing counter tops. It's just putting the other dirt back on the floor. [;)] Never thought I'd say this. I'm more rigid than you. Rearrange my cabinets? Oh, hell no! Put whatever you switched around back. Completely away from D/s. More on the cohabitation bit. Let me tell you what Uncle Sam has taken the time to study about reintegration and cohabitation after long term (a year or more) separations due to things like deployment. If you are the person returning home, leave stuff alone. Coming back and changing things back to the way they were before you left was a huge point of contention in the weeks following a return. If the scissors used to live in the drawer on the left from the oven and now they live in the right drawer from the oven, don't take them back to the former home that they had a year ago. Whoever was holding down the fort while you were gone has had a long time of doing things without you being there, so don't mess with it. You ease back into living at home and they actually give classes on "hey, don't do that." Sounds funny, but it's really true.

shiftyw -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 9:49:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: SinFix Yes, that is what I am wondering, if by changing their preferences to be more of a copy of yours. Such as the steak, doing the dishes, vacuuming, things of that nature. Here's one of the ways I think we see this differently. No submissive is ever going to have equal say in my house. If you happen to be more domestic/neater than me, knock yourself out. If you're less domestic than me, yeah, you probably have to come up to my standard, rather than be Oscar Madison. It's not that I don't want you to be comfortable. I just want my surroundings to be what I consider livable. I want my furniture to remain in the same condition. That kind of thing. I expect that ALL people in my house (except maybe kids- although I can count on one hand the times a kid has been in my living space) keep my furniture in the same condition... like...to me that isn't D/s- thats just what you do when people paid good money for something and you didn't? I don't like touch the man's xbox without asking- because he paid for it- not because I'm a sub? We are about to get a puppy- and I know its going to chew some shit up- but I'm going to correct it- cause it doesn't have reasoning skills- this conversation to me, seems like...we're treating subs like they're puppies who need correction- rather than just a "This is how I prefer this is done." If everyone is an adult- and fully understands what you're talking about- wouldn't everyone- in every (ETA: in every healthy compatible) relationship- come to some kind of compromise on these things? ETA: sidenote you better believe because my name is on the mortgage of the house we are moving to- he can be a Dominant all he wants- but I'm getting final say on all the major things- and I might even be a bitch about it. He wants it to look like a frat house. I want it to look like its for adults. He's going to respect how I want it- cause I paid for it. Of course I'm going to listen to him and he has his own wants that I will meet. But in the end, its my money- and he respects that... Is this not how these things work?

ExiledTyrant -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 10:03:35 AM)
Okay, shifty, here's the best example I can give you. My mother loves to cause discontent. Now, she was pretty sick for a long time so she lived with me... ruff stuff to say the least. Every time she was in the kitchen I'd have to come in and take the stuff she was cutting off the DAMN plate and put it on a cutting board. This all started with "hey, I have a number of cutting boards, by all means, use all of them you want to." Nope, she knew that misusing my cutlery irked me so she did it Every. Single. Time. The first time she was cutting on a plate she "wasn't doing it right". I gave her a cutting board, showed her where they all live and that was that. About the 7th time I had to put a cutting board under the knife she went past "not right" straight to "WRONG". It was deliberate, it was intentional, and she got some kind of sick joy of me sharping my knives Every Damn Day rather than once a week. Now, it wasn't exclusively my cutlery, it was every thing that irritated me became a daily ritual. After recovery from her final surgery, I packed the truck, poked her in her car, and took her home.

littleladybug -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 10:09:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact First, I do have to say to littleladybug, I definitely get you. I absolutely think my dish quirk is funny. Most other people think it's funny. Yes. There is a sense of humor about it. Do I foresee myself ever changing the way I do the dishes? Probably not. (By the way, I load the glasses from back to front, too.) LOL, apparently "back to front" is a thing. Seriously though, doing something like I did with my prior partner is not something that I would do if I didn't absolutely know that they would take it in the manner in which it was intended. (That is, not to be an irritant, but to elicit a laugh or two.) I try to do the same thing now with HM, but he's really not a quirky sort of guy. Shit, as long as the dishes get done and put away, all is good. He's actually the first person I've ever met who has absolutely no preference as to "up or down" with the toilet paper roll. He's given me absolutely no material! [:D] With that said though, I do respect that people do have preferences in how they wish their homes to be managed. I have to be really close to someone before I push anything when it comes to that because, again, my goal is not to irritate, but instead to have someone laugh.

LadyPact -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 10:15:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinFix Okay, not sure how I conveyed that the types would be equal but I get that this is the standard you wish to set. On that note though, what would be your motivation to "create" a submissive that has the preferences that you want? It appears that to change a S preference and ensure that it is followed would require extraneous work when wouldn't the hope be for a more harmonious interaction from the beginning? Nah. See, I'm not doing that. I'm not creating your preferences or attempting to make your preferences similar to mine. The bare bones question comes down to, "do you want to spend time in my house?" Cool. There's a certain level of expectation that goes with that and if you can't align in some way, I will gladly invite you to return to your own house, where your preferences rule the day. I'll even try to incorporate some of your preferences for your time in my home. Are you getting all of your preferences? Probably not. I already have a functioning household. Anybody else joining the household, it is their job to fit into it. If a person can't, that's cool. The door to the house swings both ways.

ExiledTyrant -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 10:17:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: SinFix Okay, not sure how I conveyed that the types would be equal but I get that this is the standard you wish to set. On that note though, what would be your motivation to "create" a submissive that has the preferences that you want? It appears that to change a S preference and ensure that it is followed would require extraneous work when wouldn't the hope be for a more harmonious interaction from the beginning? Nah. See, I'm not doing that. I'm not creating your preferences or attempting to make your preferences similar to mine. The bare bones question comes down to, "do you want to spend time in my house?" Cool. There's a certain level of expectation that goes with that and if you can't align in some way, I will gladly invite you to return to your own house, where your preferences rule the day. I'll even try to incorporate some of your preferences for your time in my home. Are you getting all of your preferences? Probably not. I already have a functioning household. Anybody else joining the household, it is their job to fit into it. If a person can't, that's cool. The door to the house swings both ways. Bingo!

Awareness -> RE: Wrong Vs. Not right (3/2/2016 10:25:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: shiftyw This conversation has gone way over my head. I'm way with crazyml on this one. "Not right" and "wrong" are too subtlety different for me to really understand this. chuckle Wise heads would consider that the first clue.

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3] 4 5 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.0625