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RE: A typical situation - 3/20/2016 4:37:30 PM   
DesFIP


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For whatever reason, she doesn't feel sexual.

But she was loving enough to have sex with him anyway.

However, this isn't good enough. Instead he's gone out of his way to demand that she lies to him, pretending to be a porn star. She's been put down and subjected to serious performance anxiety. And instead of accepting her for who she is, he walks out while claiming he will return if only she takes up acting and lies to him from now on.

Not only that, which is bad enough, but he followed up by publicly shaming her. Because I seriously doubt that Greta's the only one he's told.

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RE: A typical situation - 3/20/2016 4:59:27 PM   
ThatDizzyChick


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RE: A typical situation - 3/20/2016 8:51:30 PM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
However, this isn't good enough. Instead he's gone out of his way to demand that she lies to him, pretending to be a porn star. She's been put down and subjected to serious performance anxiety. And instead of accepting her for who she is, he walks out while claiming he will return if only she takes up acting and lies to him from now on.


This is quite accurate, except, prior to marriage, she was totally sexually compatible with him and was very fun sexually to be with and wild and she complained about her x-bfs all not having enough sex with her all the time and how much she loved sex. So when he married her, he thought he was marrying his "porn star". Now her sex drive has vanished, as fast as 2 years after marriage, EVEN without first child yet. And Now all the counselling and medical checks has lead up to nothing. It is a frustrating situation.

quote:

Not only that, which is bad enough, but he followed up by publicly shaming her. Because I seriously doubt that Greta's the only one he's told.

Publicly aired his story as in confining in me? His one of my male platonic best friends. And I have many male best friends who we share intimate details of our relationships with. I'm like that with my brothers too, we can even share what we do with our partners in our bedroom.

I've always bonded with men in this sort of way. My brothers has no problem telling me their sexual obstacles with their past girlfriends as well.

So all I can say is, it would be emotional abuse if he is so distress by this and cannot speak to any of his best friends about it. And perhaps he would have confine into others he considered close friends too, as he is really upset about this!!! He feels he loves her deeply and want to be with her but the sex bit is just driving him nuts and away from her. But his just looking for solutions, as with any men, when there is a problem, they just want to fix it and it's frustrating when there is no solution.

I think it's kinda unfair to say his responsible for her lack of sex drive. Especially when they have gone to 3 different counselors and have all those years. I mean, they have been together for 20 years. And he had been deprived of the sex he wanted for 18 years of those 20 years. And although it's not her fault, as maybe her sex drive just magically disappeared and there is no medical or psychological explanation except there is nothing wrong with a woman if she does not want sex anymore. His sex therapist said it's more common in women, and they go on to live perfectly content healthy lives anyway, not requiring sex to be part of their lives AT ALL.

The conflict is, what if you don't require sex anymore in your life but your husband still does.

I personally think she should let him have an open relationship. But of course many women cannot accept that in a marriage.

It's a fucked situation.






< Message edited by Greta75 -- 3/20/2016 9:07:11 PM >

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RE: A typical situation - 3/20/2016 9:22:46 PM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamlady
This part has been bothering me since the start. This couple are not soul mates. Either you are over-idealizing their marriage based on your friend's description of it - where he isn't telling the whole story - or else your friend is in denial, in which case he is looking for a sympathetic ear, to get others to side with him in justifying his actions in separating from his wife, or he is flat out clueless. In other words, no matter how objective you try to be, you won't be able to be because all you have heard is one side of the story, his side. That means you don't have all the relevant facts, and you won't ever be able to know them, try as you might.

So keep in mind that I married my soul mate too. And I've come to the conclusion that there are different types of soulmates.

One is soulmates for outside sexual stuffs. Where you are just insync and peas in a pod for everything. Just have everything in common, similar views, ideas, everything. No conflict, because you agree on everything to the extent where we do not have to consult each other on any major decisions. Because my decision would have been the decision he would have made IF he asked me, and his decision would have been my decision as well IF he asked me. Because we just think and rationalized and conclude everything the identical same way.

I mean it would be unthinkable for other couples for any one party to make major decisions without consulting each other, but it was perfectly okay for our marriage, because of that unique factor that we had! I have never made a decision that disappoints him, and he has never made a decision that disappoints me. Just soo insync and connected mentally and personality wise.

That is a soul mate to me. It's like having your twin, in the mind, in personality. But he was not my soul mate in the bedroom at all. In the bedroom, we were completely out of sync. Nothing works. We don't enjoy anything alike in the bedroom. We just had completely different sexual preferences. For example, he enjoys anal penetration, I did not. Things like that.

So I sympathized with him because, I know what's it's like to marry your soul mate but not sync in bed. But in my case, I was more guilty than him, because, I KNEW my x-husband and me, have ZERO chemistry in bed, and yet I married him. Because I figured when we are 90 yr old, we won't need sex anymore, so I should marry someone who is my out of the bedroom soulmate. But now I know I made the wrong decision. I should be marrying my sexual soulmate! Not out of bedroom soulmate!

I've actually now, since last year, have met my sexual soulmate. He may not be my out of bedroom soulmate, we definitely have differences there, but fortunately, his also a reasonable and sane man, who we can discuss differences calmly and discuss compromising, so the out of bedroom not so insync is not such a big problem. But sexually, perfectly insync. His the perfect male sexual me. And I desire a whole life with him, but unfortunately, as with life, you just keep having all sorts of obstacles. Like all his life, his job involves not being more than 36 hours in any country. So problem is, even IF I want to relocate to him, it's no use. His just not more than 36 hours in any country. So now we are actually trying to figure out which country in this damn world, he spends most time in, and I am considering relocation to where-ever that is! Currently, we are dealing with this by having an open-ended relationship, as in, he won't blame me if I found someone else who has a normal job that can be around more frequently, or if I choose, we will just continue like this, keep trying to find time, and he'll just use up all his leave to spend time with me.

Also he won't quit his job for me, as he told me he will get depressed if he has to be in one country for too long, he loves being a nomad. His current job is his dream job and he absolutely loves his job. So it's tough.


So I kinda don't see a soulmate as EVERYTHING insync, because, it's again, maybe it exists, but I have not met "soul mates" that way.









< Message edited by Greta75 -- 3/20/2016 9:29:08 PM >

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RE: A typical situation - 3/20/2016 9:34:20 PM   
Lucylastic


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quote:

And he had been deprived of the sex he wanted for 18 years of those 20 years.

And she too has obviously been deprived of the sex she wanted/needed. during that same time?. That she doesnt know where it started or when is the deepest part of the problem for me.
THe passion died, and that is awful hard to get back.
The fact that he is still getting sex twice a week...well, hes a lot better off than a lot of married men. For whatever reason. Is he trying too hard? Im not putting blame on anyone, I dont know enough details, but ....
Does the wife know of your intense knowledge about their marriage??
Im asking only because it means a lot if you discuss stuff now or plan to discuss with her?
Personally, while like you, in the respect I do not mind talking about sex and issues. And for people who are the same, I will get into intimate details about the acts, if needed, and about very intimate(for most people) problems, but generally, to both male and female friends. I dont shock easily. but discussing that level of intimacy with a wife is a whole different ballgame, so Im more focusing on what your relationship with her is like.
I have a very high sex drive(altho its gently slowing), but due to a lot of different things, my sex drive has gone into hibernation for periods of time, especially when the kids were tiny, post birth blues, being sick and side effects of medication, and financial concerns. Death, etc etc. BUT it has been returned each time. I was concerned enough to get it checked out.
I can also see the other points being brought up.
I admit Des had almost exactly my thoughts and a few others are very good thoughts.
Its a sad situation....I can see both sides of the "discussion" But I do hope they find their way back to satisfying sex.






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RE: A typical situation - 3/20/2016 9:38:08 PM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucylastic
Does the wife know of your intense knowledge about their marriage??

Nope she does not, and I will not enlighten her of my knowledge as I know she will not take it well! I think any woman will hate their man discussing their sexual problems with another woman most of the time. Also, I always saw him as a loving happily married husband. His more of my friend, and I am not really his wife's friend. It's this six months when he moved out, he confined in me. He has listened to me bitch and moan countless time about my own relationships ups and downs.


quote:

but due to a lot of different things, my sex drive has gone into hibernation for periods of time, especially when the kids were tiny, post birth blues, being sick and side effects of medication, and financial concerns. Death, etc etc. BUT it has been returned each time.

How does it feel like when sex drive reach hibernation stage? I mean, is it like, just no need for it at all, and you'd just feel happy without it? Even though you love the man?

His case made me super curious because, I always wondered to myself if I would lose my sex drive, at child birth? At Menopause? How would it feel like to not want sex at all? To have no desire for it? I've not experienced it, so I don't get it.




< Message edited by Greta75 -- 3/20/2016 9:43:47 PM >

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RE: A typical situation - 3/21/2016 2:43:52 AM   
AtUrCervix


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
However, this isn't good enough. Instead he's gone out of his way to demand that she lies to him, pretending to be a porn star. She's been put down and subjected to serious performance anxiety. And instead of accepting her for who she is, he walks out while claiming he will return if only she takes up acting and lies to him from now on.


This is quite accurate, except, prior to marriage, she was totally sexually compatible with him and was very fun sexually to be with and wild and she complained about her x-bfs all not having enough sex with her all the time and how much she loved sex. So when he married her, he thought he was marrying his "porn star". Now her sex drive has vanished, as fast as 2 years after marriage, EVEN without first child yet. And Now all the counselling and medical checks has lead up to nothing.



That tells the story better than any possible other explanation.

This guy was set up from the get go.

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RE: A typical situation - 3/21/2016 4:48:03 AM   
LadyPact


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
How does it feel like when sex drive reach hibernation stage? I mean, is it like, just no need for it at all, and you'd just feel happy without it? Even though you love the man?

His case made me super curious because, I always wondered to myself if I would lose my sex drive, at child birth? At Menopause? How would it feel like to not want sex at all? To have no desire for it? I've not experienced it, so I don't get it.

LOL. Immediately after child birth shouldn't count against anyone. Your hormones are out of whack. You're tired all of the time. Darn near all of your energy is going into adjusting your life to accommodating this little human being. To me, that's the most understandable time in the world to have a decrease in sex drive, at least for a little bit. If you get postpartum depression, it's a double whammy, but usually, your doc can help with that.

Honestly, I'll give anyone a temporary pass for certain things. Grief, major life changes, illness, and all of that kind of stuff. It's completely normal for a person's sex drive to be less than their normal during those things. I might even go as far to say that a partner should understand a decreased sex drive during those times because pressuring someone for sex when they are going through something difficult is like shooting your sex life in the foot.

However, the reverse is also true. If the person who has lost the sex drive doesn't start questioning why after a certain period of time, something's got to be up. Most people don't just suddenly become asexual without a core reason and anybody should want to investigate what is behind that reason. I mean, if you lost your sex drive for even six months, wouldn't you want to know why? I always think it's strange when hearing these stories about women who lose their sex drives don't do that.


Sorry about the weird edit in the middle. New laptop and it's overly sensitive touch pad.


< Message edited by LadyPact -- 3/21/2016 4:54:04 AM >

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RE: A typical situation - 3/21/2016 8:57:09 AM   
ThatDizzyChick


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quote:

Immediately after child birth

Yeah, it lasted about 6 weeks, but has come back with a vengeance.

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RE: A typical situation - 3/21/2016 9:29:51 AM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		I had 36 stitches with the first one, ten with the second and over 80 with the third(he was 9lb5oz and ripped me from asshole to peehole. Hows that for delicate and intimate information!!.
Labour was over 14 hours for all of them, the first one was three days(they induced me and had to stop, give me blood and then re-induce me) I haemorrhaged with all three. got severe anemia, tiredness was part of my character until the youngest went to pre school.
It wasnt that I didnt have sex, it just faded from more important stuff. I totally agree that everything is changed and focused on the tiniest helpless lil one. And I had good support from my hubby. His previous marriage resulted in four kids so he wasnt a newbie to raising kids. But worries certainly take on new importance.
Menopause, Im not going thru it without medication because i have numerous issues with my uterus and fallopian tubes. it varies from day to day.
Like LP said, I noticed that I wasnt wanting to have sex "right now but later" and sought help...being highly sexed to begin with made it easier.
He lost interest when he lost his job, he lost interest when he first retired, he was too worried to be able to relax. Waning is not unusual in any long term relationship, the reasons are multiple. not addressing it isnt important for everyone. as it plays an important role in my life, I dont wanna be in that situation.





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RE: A typical situation - 3/21/2016 12:23:58 PM   
tj444


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
His goal is regular sex with her! But not JUST regular sex. He gets it twice a week, like she does it like it's her duty. What he wants is passion. Not duty. So definitely everything he does will be the prelude to trying to turn her on to sex.
I just think, it's so sad when a man is trying so hard, and...., well...., it's just unfortunate.


Did she really enjoy sex before? I mean, really or did she just put on an act to get a hubby? Was she faking enjoying sex and then after they were married, she didnt bother to fake enjoying it anymore.. sorta like those relationships where the bjs stop once the ring is in his nose.. er, I mean the ring is on her finger & they are married (with all the legal & financial benefits for her that come with that).. Maybe she just wants him as a buddy (even tho shes give him sex 2 times/week)..

You have already ruled out other possible reasons.. I am afraid there is no solution to the problem, maybe they should divorce, remain friends & dad lives in part of the house and she lives in the other part and the kids still have 2 parents everyday.. both parents can date whoever they want.. His love for her will die a slow death anyway (I say this from experience), but that is not bad, it will allow him to move on so he can find someone he should be with..

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RE: A typical situation - 3/21/2016 12:47:27 PM   
ThatDizzyChick


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Status: offline 		Dear God! You poor thing. My Ruby practically slid out, she was in a hurry to join the world.

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RE: A typical situation - 3/21/2016 12:52:12 PM   
Cinnamongirl67


Posts: 854
Status: offline 		Maybe she is tired, maybe she is menopausal,maybe she is bored, maybe the spice is gone, maybe it's medications. Maybe she just doesn't want sex.
Could be such a variety of things.
And maybe the husband has been watching to much porn, and expects her to a sex kitten. Like in the movies.
Marriage ebbs and flows, couples sometimes are on different wave lengths at certain periods of time. With many years of marriage, it's bound to happen at some point. Those who ride out the ebb make it, those who scratch their uncontrollable itch, have a very high chance of divorce.
There is nothing like being with someone who loves you no matter what. Whether you lay there, whether you swing from the chandeliers, or whether you don't want sex at all.

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RE: A typical situation - 3/21/2016 12:57:07 PM   
Lucylastic


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quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick

Dear God! You poor thing. My Ruby practically slid out, she was in a hurry to join the world.

my sister ...practically sneezed her eldest out...I was graced with wide hips but a stubborn uterus and big babies

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RE: A typical situation - 3/21/2016 12:58:48 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		My libido disappeared for a year after the first pregnancy. It didn't return until she started sleeping through the night.

But it's important to me that my partner turns to me. If he's emotionally more intimate with someone else, like Greta's friend is with her, that by itself would kill my sex drive.

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RE: A typical situation - 3/21/2016 2:32:14 PM   
tj444


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Cinnamongirl67

There is nothing like being with someone who loves you no matter what. Whether you lay there, whether you swing from the chandeliers, or whether you don't want sex at all.

sure, but if its all one-sided, his love is gonna die out over time.. there is only so much you can take going down a one-way street.. the poor guy feels like he is raping her when he is trying to make love to her, he will eventually not want to touch her at all, there will be an invisible wall down the center or their bed.. imo you need intimacy and the same or similar sex drive/desire to keep love alive.. without that, you are just buds/friends.. same thing goes with how you handle money, if one is a saver and the other is a spender, the mis-match will cause serious trouble/bankruptcy sooner or later..

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RE: A typical situation - 3/21/2016 3:38:14 PM   
AtUrCervix


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Joined: 1/15/2016
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucylastic

I had 36 stitches with the first one, ten with the second and over 80 with the third(he was 9lb5oz and ripped me from asshole to peehole. Hows that for delicate and intimate information!!.
Labour was over 14 hours for all of them, the first one was three days(they induced me and had to stop, give me blood and then re-induce me) I haemorrhaged with all three. got severe anemia, tiredness was part of my character until the youngest went to pre school.
It wasnt that I didnt have sex, it just faded from more important stuff. I totally agree that everything is changed and focused on the tiniest helpless lil one. And I had good support from my hubby. His previous marriage resulted in four kids so he wasnt a newbie to raising kids. But worries certainly take on new importance.
Menopause, Im not going thru it without medication because i have numerous issues with my uterus and fallopian tubes. it varies from day to day.
Like LP said, I noticed that I wasnt wanting to have sex "right now but later" and sought help...being highly sexed to begin with made it easier.
He lost interest when he lost his job, he lost interest when he first retired, he was too worried to be able to relax. Waning is not unusual in any long term relationship, the reasons are multiple. not addressing it isnt important for everyone. as it plays an important role in my life, I dont wanna be in that situation.



WTF!!!!!??????

OWE!!!!!!

(I bow down).

(in reply to Lucylastic)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: A typical situation - 3/21/2016 3:41:14 PM   
AtUrCervix


Posts: 2111
Joined: 1/15/2016
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucylastic


quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDizzyChick

Dear God! You poor thing. My Ruby practically slid out, she was in a hurry to join the world.

my sister ...practically sneezed her eldest out...I was graced with wide hips but a stubborn uterus and big babies


NO MORE BABIES FOR YOU!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVER!!!!!!!!!

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RE: A typical situation - 3/21/2016 8:24:31 PM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		Nah....im done, 24 years pregnancy free.


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RE: A typical situation - 3/22/2016 5:43:58 AM   
Cinnamongirl67


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quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444


quote:

ORIGINAL: Cinnamongirl67

There is nothing like being with someone who loves you no matter what. Whether you lay there, whether you swing from the chandeliers, or whether you don't want sex at all.

sure, but if its all one-sided, his love is gonna die out over time.. there is only so much you can take going down a one-way street.. the poor guy feels like he is raping her when he is trying to make love to her, he will eventually not want to touch her at all, there will be an invisible wall down the center or their bed.. imo you need intimacy and the same or similar sex drive/desire to keep love alive.. without that, you are just buds/friends.. same thing goes with how you handle money, if one is a saver and the other is a spender, the mis-match will cause serious trouble/bankruptcy sooner or later..


It's his decision. I made a statement. People do what need or want. Maybe divorce is the answer.
Yes, him not wanting to touch her etc, COULD happen but there is a possibility it WOULD NOT happen.
Riding out trouble sometimes turns out pretty good, instead of bailing. When you bail, there is always that wonder.
Anyway, once you hit a certain age, you learn life can have some surprises, and doesn't always go as we think. Surprises that can go either way. The old saying the grass isn't always greener on the other side is very accurate. A few times it might actually be. But actually jumping the fence, whether pretty immediate or a couple years down the line, you might say "same shit, different day" the newness wearing off is typical.


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