RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging potential in submissives

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/2/2006 9:47:23 PM

raiken

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It IS important to know if the other person knows how to fight nice!

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/2/2006 9:58:05 PM

SusanofO

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Docotr D: Loved your response. It was so right-on.
I am going right now to read that poem.

No, the picking a fight part isn't dubious, it matters.

My husband and I rarely fought (a few times about money - and those were such knock-down drag outs, we both decided to ignore the topic entirely, from that point on) . It took me a couple years to realize it wasn't because we were so well-matched - it's that he didn't consider or really care about us enough to ever consider caring about anything in that large a context; nothing was worth a heated discussion, really.

I am not advocating fighting. I absolutely loathe it (really and truly). But - I don't shy away from it if it appears imminent, either (there was plenty of it in the home I was raised in, so I don't consider it the "end of the world" when-if it happens. Some people do. I generally avoid it myself, though - and that might be a reason).

However, finding out if someone is going to pack their bags and run away, or gouge out your eyeballs, or land you in a hospital due to a disagreement early on, is worth considering, and I also think that's one good way to tell what another considers important, and also how good their conflict resolution skills are. I happen to think mine are pretty good (but then again, my bottom -line solution if all else fails is - I cave. Of course I do have some abandonment issues. But - I don't cave early, and certainly not without talking about the issue(s). My husband's sucked. He'd get in the car and be gone for hours or overnight, and he knew I hated that more than anything (which is why he did it). Well - enough yakking from me.

Great post!

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/2/2006 10:16:29 PM >

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/2/2006 10:02:24 PM

justheather

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Mary Oliver rocks!

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/2/2006 10:06:06 PM

Homestead

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Homestead: That's a fairly good point (above). But what would encourage (or discourage) someone from trying to see if anything would grow?

- Susan

I would have to be able to see what the selection of seeds were. My tagline is indicative of how I look at this. Some seeds bear healhy fruit, others will only grow noxious weeds.

My job as a Steward is much like a gardener. I cannot find all of the bad seeds, they really are hidden quite well in many cases-they will remain occult unless fed and watered. So I encourage and feed the positive, but when I see a weed I starve it. It's pretty counteproductive to attempt to punish a weed for being what it is, a part of a nature.

But that doesn't mean I want a garden of poisonous weeds, either. So what I do, is encourage the good seeds to crowd out the bad ones, and thereby deny them what they need to grow.

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/2/2006 10:11:24 PM

SusanofO

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Homestead: Thanks for the very clear and very descriptive reply!

- Susan

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And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/2/2006 10:12:46 PM

Homestead

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Homestead: Thanks for the very clear and very descriptive reply!

- Susan

Simple positive feedback reenforcement.

Do it well, and there will seldom be need of correction.

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/2/2006 10:15:47 PM

SusanofO

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Homestead: Thanks for the encouraging explanation.

- Susan

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And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/2/2006 10:37:30 PM

domtimothy46176

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I remember reading about how Dominants (or Dommes) sometimes re-channel what they consider negative behavior in their submissives and am wondering if anyone has examples regarding how they have accomplished this.

When toy first came to me she was extremely reluctant to voice her opinions when they ran counter to my own. For me, this was simply unacceptable. I demand intellectual honesty and require meaningful discourse on a variety of topics. When I was able to determine the underlying cause of her reticence, her perception of herself as intellectually inferior and the subsequent fear of disappointing me and embarassing herself, I simply reversed the scenerio.  I stressed how much more disappointing it would be if she refused to share her thoughts with me while reinforcing the idea that I required intellectual companionship, not a mimicry. Over time, my emotional support, coupled with my unrelenting insistence on her opinions, helped her to feel freer to express herself.
I've been fortunate in my choice of toy, she is a very good match for me. Most times I am able to steer her into what I consider more appropriate behavioral paths by simply educating her on what I prefer and why I find it to be more suitable. I would think this should be effective for most anyone who possesses a genuine desire to serve. Compassionate guidance, coupled with clear expectations, is my prescriptrion for most any type of training.

How does a Dominant (or Domme) gauge whatever potential their submissive has?

I use the same gut instinct I've used when hiring. Folks either come across as suitable or unsuitable. The difference in gauging a submissive's potential lies in the criteria one is judging. When evaluating a potential submissive, I need to know why she's seeking to serve, what the payoff is for her. That one piece of information is critical for me. Sometimes the answer isn't verbal, sometimes it's the subtle non-verbal reaction to ideas or comments that tells the tales. Most folks are lousy liars, even when they've managed to convince themselves. Body language can tell me a great deal as can listening to the voice.
The more time I spend with a submissive, the better feel I get for what she is really eager for and what is simply a price she's willing to pay. Even so, discovering someone's potential is an ongoing process.  Someone who appears, at first blush, to have the potential be a great servitor may ultimately be a massive disappointment.  Sometimes things look like more fun than they truly are and I can't blame someone who is hot to try something if they find the experience less than satisfactory.
I hope that helps answer your question. If I misjudged what you were looking for, please clarify and I'll take another stab at it.
Timothy

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/2/2006 10:45:05 PM

SusanofO

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domtomothy: wow, what a great and comprehensive response. It's exactly - exactly what I was hoping for in terms of an answer. Thank you so very much!

- Susan

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And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/3/2006 1:56:42 AM

michaelGA2

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yet again (not directed at you susan) my question gets ignored and pushed aside...and people wonder why i've got an attitude.

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/3/2006 6:51:27 AM

SusanofO

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MichaelinGa: How about via e-mail? People do have on-line Dommes, do they not? Yours really is a very good question, I think, Michael about how people would re-channel behavior in a submissive in a long-distance relationship.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/3/2006 7:11:15 AM >

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/3/2006 6:52:42 AM

michaelGA2

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sometimes i feel like i need my ass kicked royally...but that's not possible here.

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/3/2006 6:54:53 AM

SusanofO

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Well it might if said submissive is trying to do whatever e-mail instructions are given, isn't it? I know it's not up close and personal, like the sniffing the clothing suggestion, but it's something. E-mail and phone chats do have some limitations,
yes they do.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/3/2006 6:58:49 AM >

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/3/2006 7:00:19 AM

michaelGA2

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i sometimes feel like doing what Jim Carrey did in the movie "Liar Liar". beat myself up and mark it off as "kicking my own ass"

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/3/2006 7:06:54 AM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

MichaelinGa: How about via e-mail? People do have in-line Dommes, do they not? Yours really is a very good question, I think, Michael about how people would re-channel behavior in a submissive in a long-distance relationship.

- Susan

My relationship is "quasi" long distance and my answer remains the same. Successes and encouragement do not only occur in the physical form. And one can still talk and practice patience no matter if they are in the same room or in different continents.

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/3/2006 7:13:16 AM

michaelGA2

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my only offline collar was a year long and, due to the distance and rare contacts with my former Mistress, i asked for release. hell, i only met Mistress once in all that time, and not for the collaring, which was done via Internet and proxy using Her only female sub who actually came to my house, once...that was not the best expreience i've ever heard of.

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/3/2006 7:22:14 AM

SusanofO

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michaelinGa: Sounds like maybe you need a real-life Mistress? or a better on-line
Mistress. I am not being mean (I don't generally do mena at all), or trying to state the obvious. I know it can be hard to find a relatonship that works...look at me - at least you're in thne ballgame. I am nt even in the playing filed. Yeah, I've got some pretty good reasons for that, right now, but in a few months, I will be out there and, well - yeah, it might be a little scary (to me). At least pat yourself on the back for being on the ball field at all.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/3/2006 7:23:08 AM >

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And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/3/2006 7:22:38 AM

spankmepink11

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Susan,
I'm not sure if this qualifies but a former Dominant love interest of mine was very good at channeling my negative opinions and or feelings into positives. He did this by extensive conversation and giving me the insight to alter those feelings and look at things in a more positive way. ( i really miss Him!!) I also agree with those who posted in regard to the Dominant as a driving force or inspiration for a submissive to want to alter any negative aspects/actions/traits...etc. For many of us the simple fact that this will please the one whoose opinion/approval we value the most is incredibly motivating.

I think "potential" is gauged by extended contact and observation of a partner under consideration whether they be Dominant or submissive. I tend to avoid those who believe one needs to prove themselves "worthy" of consideration.

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/3/2006 7:24:36 AM

SusanofO

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spankmepink: Thanks for the reply. Wow, there seem to be some good and encouraging Dominants out there. Great to know!

I do think you are right about wanting to please someone who is very important in one's life maybe being the major motivating factor alone. For me, that seemed to be trie also, in small instances that presented themselves, in the one bdsm relationship I did have, even though it was not a particulry "committed" relationship.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/3/2006 7:26:46 AM >

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And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging pote... - 8/3/2006 7:24:52 AM

michaelGA2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

michaelinGa: Sounds like maybe you need a real-life Mistress? or a better on-line
Mistress. I am not being mean (I don't generally do mena at all), or trying to state the obvious. I know it can be hard to find a relatonship that works...look at me - at least you're in thne ballgame. I am nt even in the playing filed. Yeah, I've got some pretty good reasons for that, right now, but in a few months, I will be out there and, well - yeah, it might be a little scary (to me). At least pat yourself on the back for being on the ball field at all.

- Susan

i think i'm still in the dugout...being a bench warmer...maybe i'm still in the parking lot listening to the game from outside the park

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