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Pimpernell -> RE: Re-channeling undesirable behavior and gauging potential in submissives (8/3/2006 10:20:01 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SusanofO
I remember reading about how Dominants (or Dommes) sometimes re-channel what they consider negative behavior in their submissives and am wondering if anyone has examples regarding how they have accomplished this.
I've got an example, but it's self-domination. When I was a younger lad, I got annoyed at myself for using the F word a little too often when something frustrated me. I had this computer game which was incredibly hard and so I'd die all the time. I made myself use an alternative word each time I died in the game until it became second nature to use an innocent word for swearing. For about 5 years I could use the word Ferrets and still get that relief you have from cursing. It felt the same emotionally.
quote:
ORIGINAL: SusanofO
*A related question (that might require a separate thread, we'll see) is:
How does a Dominant (or Domme) gauge whatever potential their submissive has? How do they go about judging this? Do they use any particular method or clues about how much potential a submissive has? I am assuming here that all Dominants of course want to make the most of whatever potential their submissive has, but some might have more than others, depending on whatever that Dominant seeks in a submissive.
I'd evaluate a sub or a slave the exact same as I would any relationship from friendship upwards. You spend time getting to know them. I like the four seasons rule. You have to get to know someone for summer, autumn, winter and spring before you can get a good idea who they are. Some people are really fun during the summer then turn really bitchy during winter. Just like some people are morning persons and some people are mid-afternoon persons. You must get to know them in a variety of situations. Use your instincts, but don't forget instincts can be wrong and people have bad days, so cut people some slack.
Most importantly you see how they react to instruction. For example, let's say I invited you out for a night at the Theatre. If you didn't want to see that particular show and chose not to even respond to my invitation with a polite no, I would tell you that was unacceptable behaviour and explain why. If you reacted to that as if it was no big deal, I would know that you weren't suitable. I've had friends that have pulled that crap on me. But then they started sulking when I told them how good the show was.
Some people are considered to have potential because they are close to what you are seeking, however they may have only a little room for growth. Others may be very different from what you want but are willing to learn, not just claim they are.
quote:
ORIGINAL: SusanofO
I just read another thread post that relates to this one.
...I think most (if not all) Dominants desire a submissive who will do thier will, even when it's difficult, and regardless of whether it is what the submissive wants and even sometimes may need (it's what the Dominant needs that is most important, in my understanding of a D/s relationship, anyway. Although a little reciprocation or encouragement can be nice to keep things running smoothly, I am guessing).
Actually for me it's more about the protecting and nurturing, so sure I may make her do things she doesn't want to do, but it is for her own good, not just because I enjoy it.
Nothing wrong with encouragement. I like to use "good girl" myself. It combines encouragement with a bit of patronising so she still knows her place.
quote:
ORIGINAL: SusanofO
And, many submissves must be convinced that a Dominant has their true welfare at heart when making decisions about these things (or else, why are they involved with them to begin with)?
What I am wondering, really, is - is this something most Dominants discuss with a submissive? or is it just a sudden declaration one day: "I've decided you will do X"
(not that that would be bad - it would of course depend on the relationship and the Dominant and submissive in question).
"I've decided you will do X" would only come about if I had a strong enough understanding of her needs, wants and limits. It would flow from our previous discussions. And if it was something quite different than what she was used to I would discuss it with her.
quote:
ORIGINAL: SusanofO
And I felt that part of what I'd said here in asking these questions might be misconstrued, after thinking that over (because it is a legitimate point, I think).
I like questions. Though I do think this site does need an "Ask an Asshole" forum, so all the people who feel the need to abuse the original poster have somewhere to vent. If I hear the phrase "Red Flag" one more time on this site to a simple question I'm going to go vanilla.
quote:
ORIGINAL: SusanofO
However - I still go back to thinking why would a submissive want to be in a relationship if the Dominant is a yahoo whom she is convinced doesn't have her best interests at heart anyway (regardless of whether or not that is always 100% apparent to her/him).
Some people actually want or need that type of domination. To them it's not domination unless their needs are subserviant.
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