RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (Full Version)

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wandersalone -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 6:47:46 AM)

Please please please Susan can you stop giving out so much personal information about yourself on here, from your most recent post you have once again given way too much information to everyone who reads the forums.Yes, we want to know that you are taking steps to keep yourself safe, just please don't post info which can be used to track you down.

stay safe

edied to take out the examples of too much information



WhipTheHip -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 7:50:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Skier

WhiptheHip,

I read that research indicates that resistance IS the 'safer' method. Women SHOULD fight back. I can't cite the reference, but it was reputable. Yell and  scream as well. Whatever you do, do NOT go off with him even if he has the drop on you.  Resist and/or run while still in public. You have a better chance. Survival rates drop drastically if the perp gets you alone. UGH. Isn't this depressing?

As a species....well sometimes you have to wonder...


Yelling and screaming, Yes. 
Resist and run while you are still in public, Yes.
Fight back while you are still in public, Yes.
I agree once you are alone, your chances of survival drop drastically.
But if you are alone, it is better not to fight back.  You should still
yell and scream, and try to flee, but not fight back unless you
are highly trained.
 
No strategy is best in every circumstance for every person.   If the
female is big and strong, and the male small and weak, fighting back
may always be her best option. 
 
Statistics say that on average women who fight back in private
are much more likely to suffer serious physical injury.  Of course,
many women would prefer serious physical injury over the
emotional injury from a successful attack.
 
Fighting back is not the same thing as yelling, screaming and
trying to get away.  There is no dispute that one should ALWAYS
yell, scream, and try to get away.  The question arises should
the person being attacked try to fight the attacker, and injure
him.  Such counter-attacks often fail, and just serve to enrage
the attacker resulting in much more serious bodily injury than
otherwise would be the case. 
 
But if the attack is occuring in public, then by all means
try to attack the attacker any way you can.  The last
thing you want is to become a captive. 



velvetears -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 8:01:59 AM)

Susan,

It's unfortunate you had to run into this idiot when simply trying to explore a public play space.  You are a very sweet, open, kindhearted person and of a gentle nature. Guys like that pick up on those characteristics as being "easy prey".  Anything short of "f*** off buddy" is taken as a hopeful encouragement of their advances.  Women need to be very direct when confronting these dumbwits and not afraid to be seen as "rude" "crass" "overreacting" etc....  They don't need much to encourage them.  A get in their face approach at least tells them you tolerate no crap. 

i would be cautious but don't live in fear either.  Take the advice given here - neighbors, calling police, and next time if you ever run into someone "creepy" pleaseeeeeee be on the lookout that he may be following you. 

i had an experience with a "stalker" and i tried the police route. They made me feel like i was the one with the problem with the questions they asked me and their advice as to what i should do. Which was not to worry to much and not be so paranoid - he didn't threaten me after all did he *grrrrrrrrrrrrrr*  i was unable to get a restraining order - this was a number of years back and i think the criteria may have changed by then for getting one.  i lived in terror for about a month or so with phone calls and occassionaly seeing his car outside sitting there.  i got tired of being afraid and took the bull by the horns. i figured if the police couldn't do much for me and he wasn't getting in touble i would make the trouble. i went out with a baseball bat and took it to his car yelling and screaming like a bansheee.  i lived in a pretty populated area, i would not suggest this if your on a lonely road with hardly anyone around.  He drove off pretty fast, broken headlights i might add hehe.   i got a few phone calls after that threatening retaliation, but i never saw him again.  It's horrible to live in fear.  i hate bullies and refuse to allow them that power.  i would have had no bones about hitting him in his knee caps if he got out of that car. Let him them come at me crippled - at least the playing field would have been made a bit more even. 

Good luck with everything and if you get a chance to look him in the eye again have no hesitation in telling him to leave you alone, be assertive, and make it understood you have zero tolerance for his bullshit! 



MsIncognito -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 8:10:10 AM)

Actually, given that in BDSM "No" often doesn't mean No but instead means "try a little harder" what I would have done is the second time he approached me I would  have yelled "RED" very loudly. Everyone in a dungeon understands what that means.  That would have alerted the hosts of the party that something was amiss. Sometimes we women put manners above our own safety and that's not always the smartest thing to do.

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteRadiance
If anyone ever does so again, you should give him a "go to hell and die" look and no response. 



popeye1250 -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 9:17:00 AM)

Susan, on a more pleasant note, how was your vacation?
Did you have fun? Any cookouts, swimming, fun things you did etc?



MasterHood -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 9:44:23 AM)

Susan.  As stated by a couple of others, stop giving out your information.  Not to scare you, but your potential stalker might very well read this forum.  I was shocked as I read your posts and the number of things that I learned about you. At this point, your best home defense is your dogs.  Even non-guard dogs will protect their owner, but now all of us know their names.  'Friendly' non-trained dogs respond to their names, even with strangers.  You gave out a detailed itinerary of upcoming events.  Please, stop sharing your intimate details in a public forum!!

I am an avid practitioner of martial arts and have been for 20+ years.  I've studied numerous styles, and I've taught many 'self-defense' classes for women.  I'm posting here to cut through all of the b.s. advice on learning self-defense.  Please do not think that you can attend one of these classes and walk away feeling that you can defend yourself against your attacker.  2 classes wont do it.  10 wont do it.  Martial artists train regulary, often daily, for years to develop their skills to be effective.  Its very possible that your assailant might have trained for years.  When I teach these classes, I show some basic techiniques to open eyes to the possiblities, but I stress that these moves take practice.  The reality is, a fight is constantly evolving, and a 'preset technique' will only work in a controlled environment.  So in laymen's terms, if you hope to be able to defend yourself, you need to learn how to fight, not simply learn a few moves.  Our classes concentrate on common sense awareness and point out the sound advice mentioned by others in this thread.  While i am a capable martial artist, it is my last line of defense.  I have a carry permit, but I am skilled with my firearm.  My primary defense is awareness and avoiding 'risky' situations whenever possible.



thetammyjo -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 9:58:17 AM)

Just responding to the OP.

Go to the police if you think you are being stalked -- stalking, threatening, these are all crimes and have nothing to do with BDSM, it has nothing to do with how you are dressed or where you go. Do you pay taxes? Then you pay for the police department -- use it.

Keep a record of what happens, when and how you feel -- be very detailed, you'll need to do this anyway once you go to the police.



popeye1250 -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 10:35:41 AM)

Master Hood, correct, that's a primary line of self defense to be very aware of your surroundings.
Many people when comming out of a supermarket don't look around at cars, persons etc in the parking lot.
After they are robbed they'll tell Police; "He just came out of nowhere!"
Your head should be on a swivel in that type of situation. Note anyone "loitering", people sitting in cars, make and model of vehicle, plate numbers and state if you can, any distinguishing dents, damage, stickers on vehicles, special tires, hubcaps etc.
And, like they taught us in the USCG, "make eye contact; bad guys will look away." I can't tell you how well that works and how true it is!
Then there's the "three circles" method they taught us involving security measures (We provided security for then Vice President George Bush at his summer home in Maine) that can also be applied to an individual.
The first circle is about 15 or so feet out where people are not so much of a "threat" to you.
When someone approaches you in the inner circle (5 feet) you should make eye contact and verbally command them to "keep your distance!" and point at them.
Hood, I also carry and that is one of my last lines of defense.
I've been told by people that "you kind of look like a cop" so I've never had too many problems. A lot of it is my body language I guess and I'll look at someone right in the eye and say "Good Evening" or something like that. (Good USCG training)
Also, there are many schools of thought but in my opinion a woman should never carry a firearm in her purse!
Always on her hip in a good holster. (I use a Bianchi)
Purses are very easy to take away from someone.



WhipTheHip -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 11:00:36 AM)

I don't recommend carrying gun, I do recommend having one or two at home, if you fear someone may try to break into your house.  But then only if you are confident that you will be able to use it when the time comes.



formenteralady -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 11:27:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

Yelling and screaming, Yes. 
Resist and run while you are still in public, Yes.
Fight back while you are still in public, Yes.
I agree once you are alone, your chances of survival drop drastically.
But if you are alone, it is better not to fight back.  You should still
yell and scream, and try to flee, but not fight back unless you
are highly trained.



Ok, I'm going to ask for a source on this information.  The Dallas Police Department issues warnings every holiday season about muggers and such, and every time thier is an alert over a abducted OPviolation the police talk about how you should never go along with someone, that you should resist and find a public place/call the police asap.

This web  page http://www.namca.com/english/tip-abd.htm
suggests the S.K.Y. methold of Scream, Kick, Yell. 
if they would suggest this for midgets, why wouldn't it apply to women?



AnAtlantaDom -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 12:21:46 PM)

susan - in some states it is considered by law that the threat of bodily harm is in fact battery, and punishable by law.  Check with your local law enforcement, attorney, or legal aid group to determine if this would fit in that catagory.  If so add it to the letter you send/take to the house & those running it.
 
As was already pointed out use difinitive strength to make your point with is jackass.  I suspect he's using this foolish rhetoric as a tool for control through fear.  As we in the lifstyle already know fear in a STABLE relationship, for some, is a wondeful & powerfull stimulant.  However not in this case.
 
Be as proactive as you can muster to confront him ASAP!!!!!  If you should decide to return to the house again go ONLY with a VERY LARGE MALE, like the bouncer, or several female friends.  Do not go alone again.
 
AD



theRose4U -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 12:39:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

Stopping the car gives the person a way to get at you, whether or not you get out of the car ... what if the guy had managed to get her pinned in so that she couldn't drive away again?  Honestly, since I'm one of those who carries a cell phone at all times, so I would have kept driving until I found a police station (not familiar with Indy, although I know where they are in my home town, the town where I grew up, and a few others in the surrounding area), and called someone - police, a friend who would give me advice, etc.


Just FYI if you call 911 from most modern cell phones they can help you find the closest police or fire station through GPS. Firefighters are usually willing to beat up imposing tool boxes while you wait for the cops



CrappyDom -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 12:51:47 PM)

Feline,

That "statistic" you are quoting is pure bullshit.  The "loved" ones included in that statistic include anyone you know, like oh, the ex you got a restraining order against because he broke your jaw and "nice" people like that.

However, a gun in this case is a passive defence.  I would call the cops and tell them they guy SAID he had a gun and was going to use it to rape you and use your cunt to muffle the noise when he killed you.  His word against yours, make sure you dress innocent and act sweet for the cops and they will take your side.

The guy is a freak, he isn't going to deal with the cops well and that should be the end of it.  If it isn't, get a restraining order and a gun and if he makes you feel scared for your life, empty it in him.

As for telling the BDSM group, they guy has a reputation, which means they KNOW he does this shit and haven't had the balls to beat the shit out of him and provide some education for him so they are going to be worthless to  you as far as help. 



Quivver -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 1:30:55 PM)

The Web is your friend.  Most all large citys have property information online.  All you need is an address, search the tax records and you'll find the owner.  Cross reference the address you get with a reverse lookup and you should have a phone number.  If not it's also possible to search the owners name for a phone number. 
Hope that helps some.............



LadyEllen -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 1:55:38 PM)

Susan - I feel for you and hope you will be safe. Seems to me you have had some excellent advice on here - Popeye in particular is well worth listening to, and I cant add much more to what he has said. If you do get a gun though, make sure you can use it and that you would use it - otherwise you run the risk of giving an attacker the weapon. It takes a lot of practice and familiarity to use a handgun and to shoot with control under stress, (though I'd guess firing into the air might deter many). I can hit a moving guy in the head ten times out of ten at 30 yards on the police simulator, (he had a hostage shielding his body before anyone pulls me up!) but then I have had certain advantages; the guy next to me, (his first time with anything like a gun) managed to shoot six passersby in the shopping mall where the simulation was set, without once hitting the baddie.

Meanwhile in the UK, handguns are banned now, as is the likes of Mace and other similar deterrents. Even better, if a woman is attacked and fights back she risks arrest for assault on the poor guy trying to rape her. She must use only "reasonable force" - the defensive response must match the attack. Now, I'm 5'10'' and used to do a lot of weights so I'm pretty strong as long as the arthritis stays away - it makes me wonder whether it would be reasonable for me to rape him, since that would match his attack?
E




WhipTheHip -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 2:44:47 PM)

> Anything short of "f*** off buddy"
 
And here all this time, I thought this was a term of endearment
that meant, I really want to Domme you.
 
(Just kidding . . . sorry, but I can't help it.)
 
=====================================================
 
Threat of bodily harm is a crime in most states in certain circumstances.
 
======================================================
 
Don't lie to police.  Once police suspect your are not being 100% truthful
with them, you will lose their support.



Daddy4UdderSlut -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 2:47:46 PM)

Susan, I think you've gotten a lot of good advice here.  I don't think you can rely on any single thing to keep you safe, so I would do what you can (multiple things).

1. Mace/pepper spray is good - it works, that's why the police use it.  I'd say carrying it on your hip (perhaps inside the waistband) under a loose shirt would keep it closeby and rapidly accessible.  Some mace sprays have a clip built into the packaging.  If you pull it, don't threaten, just spray (his face) and move repeatedly (think like a boxer) until you stop him, then run like hell.  Mace companies also make packages with neutral ingredients to allow you to practice realisitically.  Don't get the smallest possible, get the largest you can comfortably carry and conceal.  If you are serious about it, you can also get training in pepper/mace spray usage.

2. Guns definitely work alright, but you better know what you are doing, otherwise you *might* be worse off...  If you do want to go that route, which I consider valid, but not the best first choice, then I'd suggest choosing your weapon through trying them out, via rental ranges and/or friends who already own letting you try first. Don't listen to people who suggest getting the biggest, baddest firearm - skill is what will save you, not caliber.  *Then* I'd suggest getting some serious training and spending lots of time practicing.  You will also need to mentally rehearse and accept psychologically the idea of killing the person first, that's trying to kill you.

3. Dogs are great - good deterrent, alarm if you are home, and if you come home and the doggies don't greet you at the door like normal - don't search for them - run like hell!

4. Upgrading locks and security lighting are cheap and effective.  Cut back bushes around windows and doors.  Make sure the rear door is strong, as that is the first choice for entry.

5.  If you have the cash, an alarm system is a good idea as well, and doesn't carry the training needs or possible downsides of the carry gun.

6. Like the other things, a restraining order isn't a guarantee of safety, but it will help too - I'd pursue that as well.

Good luck - be safe!



WhipTheHip -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 2:54:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: formenteralady

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

Yelling and screaming, Yes. 
Resist and run while you are still in public, Yes.
Fight back while you are still in public, Yes.
I agree once you are alone, your chances of survival drop drastically.
But if you are alone, it is better not to fight back.  You should still
yell and scream, and try to flee, but not fight back unless you
are highly trained.



Ok, I'm going to ask for a source on this information.  The Dallas Police Department issues warnings every holiday season about muggers and such, and every time thier is an alert over a abducted OPviolation the police talk about how you should never go along with someone, that you should resist and find a public place/call the police asap.

This web  page http://www.namca.com/english/tip-abd.htm
suggests the S.K.Y. methold of Scream, Kick, Yell. 
if they would suggest this for midgets, why wouldn't it apply to women?


The source of my information is from a study that was published in the Miami Herald.  I would not believe anything police have to say.  Most police just have a high school diploma.  The average police officer knows very little law.  Experienced detectives on the other hand are much more familiar with the law.   The average police officer has the intelligence and emotional development of a high school football jock. 
 
Finally, I didn't really see anything the Dallas Police Department recommended that contradicticted anything I wrote.  If should always try to resist.  If you are in public, you should fight back with everything you have.  But if you are not in public, you should scream, try to resist and flee, but not fight back.
 
Warm regards,
Michael



WhipTheHip -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 2:59:27 PM)

The mace police use is not the same mace sold to the public.  Do not use mace, unless you can get what the police use, and you are trained to use it.  Mace can be taken away from you and used on you.  Mace often does stop criminals.  It often just enrages them.  If the wind is blowing in the wrong direction, mace will effect you more than the attacker.  If you have the opportunity to mace someone, you are better off screaming and trying to flee.
 
Police mace is much higher concentration, shoots further under more pressure, and contains 100 times more spray.



SusanofO -> RE: Please advise me. I'm scared I am being stalked (8/13/2006 4:35:59 PM)

Update: Well, this afternoon, I went back to the BDSM house, with my gal friend who is temporarily staying at my place, and my 6 foot tall, muscular male submissive guy friend (bless his lil' heart). We met the bouncer, and he gave me the full names of the owners of the house, and one of their phone numbers - and tonight I am calling him to tell him what happened ot me Friday night, just so they will know. If this guy did this to me, he'll do it to someone else (or maybe already has), and maybe I can prevent that.

One good thing: I hald expected to find another note on my front porch door this morning when I went out there to get my Sunday newspaper, but there wasn't one. This is good - maybe he will just fade away and leave me alone. 

I am also, tommorrow, going to follow through with calling a locksmith, and have already called the police. The police are going to drive around my block on the hour, starting at dusk, for at least the next few nights (so they promised. And they did do it last night). 

My gal pal is staying with me probably all week (she is between jobs, so she doesn't have to be anywhere in the daytime in particular, and we'll have fun). We can go out to lunch, shopping, etc. - we have a lot of catching up to do there anyway. I am grateful to her for staying with me, even though she says it will be fun and she doesn't mind at all. 

My neighbors are keeping their eyes peeled for any strange people hanging around the neighborhood and also this guy's car (which I did describe for them, including the color, even though I never did get the license plate number).

Someone who e-mailed me privately noted that if I called the police, they will most likely sort of "bust" the bdsm house, and now their "cover" (if they thought they had one) will be blown. All I can say to that is: Well, if I'd thought about it, I may not have called the police, but I already did. I hate to ruin anyone else's good time or availability of maybe having a bdsm house in which to publicly 'play' - BUT- I have to think I am most likely not the first one this guy has done this to - according to my gal friend I met Friday eve at that house - this guy has been showing up darn near every week-end for the past 2-3 years, at least. My guess is they know he's a potential nutcase, and have done nothing about it because he's such a "good customer". Oh well. Sorry to say, I am putting myself first in this case. If the close the place down (for whatever reason) I am not blaming myself. Not my problem.

Note: That wasn't the implication of the person who e-mailed me, either (that I'd be to blame if they closed the house down), but it might end up happening. If it does, well - there is a munch in a respectable part of town I can attend at least once a month if I want to do that - and that will be just as good for me.

Thanks, people, for all of the kind words and tons of excellent advice.

I'll keep ya'll updated if anything else of significance happens here. You just will never know how much your support meant to me. Thanks so much. You are all a great  and kind bunch of people.

-Susan  



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