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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 12:40:14 AM

Crake

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Ron did not voice an opinion on the poll, he pissed on the thread.

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 12:42:49 AM

fullofgrace

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can we stop talking about pissing and actually freaking discuss the issue at hand?

maybe if you'd (cosmic you, not any particular person) ignore people who "piss" on the thread instead of keeping on about it...some discussing might happen.

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 12:47:04 AM

Crake

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what if they love the person they are with and know that person can't meet their kinky needs. truth will hurt the one they love.

cheating will spare the pain to their lover and they can manage an occasional fling of kink.

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 12:54:44 AM

fullofgrace

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too bad. that's not an excuse; it's still dishonest. the dishonesty would hurt most marriage partners far more than the admission would. it's always worse to find out you're being cheated on than to be told that things aren't working out. at least with the latter situation, there's the option of going to see a sex therapist together and trying to work things out...usually, once cheating is discovered, things are damaged beyond or nearly beyond repair. honesty is far more attractive to future partners (once separated/divorced) most likely than dishonesty would be to sexual partners outside the marriage when one is married.

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 12:56:28 AM

FelinePersuasion

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Cheating on your loved one is not going to save her pain, that's a excuse and a cop out. When cheating comes to light it causes a lot of pain and is often the end of the marriage.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Crake

what if they love the person they are with and know that person can't meet their kinky needs. truth will hurt the one they love.

cheating will spare the pain to their lover and they can manage an occasional fling of kink.

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 12:58:54 AM

Crake

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interesting you assume that the cheating will be discovered inevitably. I know of people with ongoing extra marital affairs that improve their marriages. If their spouses haven't found out yet I find it hard to believe another 10 years can't continue as the last 10.

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 1:25:30 AM

SusanofO

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Crake: I am female, but - I was in a similar situation for 10 years - married but w/no sex whatsoever, let alone kinky sex (which I wanted). I finally caved and had a year long affair w/someone who also introduced me to bdsm activity.

I can understand how it happens. Yeah, it is dishonest, but I understand how it happens. My husband never knew about it. He's dead now, but I wasn't going to tell him about it, even if he had lived. I probably would have sought a divorce, eventually. The situation wasn't going to change w/him. That's easy for me to say now, though...I don't have to deal w/it anymore.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 8/17/2006 1:30:49 AM >

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 1:36:02 AM

FelinePersuasion

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good for you, and them if I ever found out my mate was cheating on me he'd be single in an awfull quick hurry.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Crake

interesting you assume that the cheating will be discovered inevitably. I know of people with ongoing extra marital affairs that improve their marriages. .

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 2:18:15 AM

Arpig

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Fast reply...

Attractive married men should NOT cheat....that way we ugly old farts would have a chance....

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 2:49:09 AM

darkinshadows

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I am going to answer this ignoring the 'attractive' part. Attractive is far too subjective a word to even bother with.

quote:

1) are a turn off because of dishonesty

False.

quote:

2) are more attractive than the same man if he is single

False.

quote:

3) are a turn on, but I would not date one myself

False.

quote:

4) used to turn me on until I slept w/ one

False

quote:

5) used to turn me off until I dated one who told me he was single

Cannot answer - no experience.

quote:

6) neutral, would sleep w/ him & keep his secret if I liked him

Depends upon the situation - you need to elabourate.

quote:

7) should divorce & become poly if they seek variety

Two questions that do not really relate. So possibly true and the second part - False.

Possibly true, because I truely believe that if you cannot be fulfilled in marriage, you should be true to yourself and move on. But it's possibly... simply because it isn't my choice to make for the other person, nor to judge. So the response is as if that married person has asked me my personal choice.(if that makes semse)

And False. Just because a man - or woman - cheats, does not mean they are poly. Common misconception.

quote:

8) are a turn off for another reason

False

quote:

9) are great for sex because they don't get clingy

Cannot answer - no experience of clingy men, married or otherwise, dominant or otherwise.

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 3:13:38 AM

darkinshadows

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quote:

ORIGINAL: fullofgrace

i think they're a turnoff for two reasons: one is dishonesty (which also implies a lack of respect for their partner). the other is...if they won't respect the person they've given marriage vows to, why would they respect me? why would i want to date or sleep with someone who has no respect for me? also, if a married man were to leave his wife for me...he could just as well turn me in for a model that's newer and more exciting, and is more likely to do so, i think, than a man who hasn't cheated. sorry, not interested.

One is making assumptions on a person without knowing the back ground or even taking into consideration the situation, even before you have met such a person. How do you know it isn't in reverse? That the person they are married to isn't the one who is causing the disrespect? Is it great they are cheating? Not in your eyes obviously. But there is sometimes alot more to cheating than a simple fuck in a cheap hotel.

If a married person was to leave their partner to be with another - that does not imply that it will happen to you. Thinking that way is saing that your relationship is exactly the same, and that is impossible. All relationships are different.

quote:

i'm a bit iffy on the should divorce and become poly. i think they should do what they can to save their marriage instead of going outside of it, including perhaps introducing the idea of poly to their spouse (if workable), and only divorce as a last resort. i also don't necessarily think people who cheat do so because they're meant to be poly; some people are just dishonest. but then again, some people who cheat would do well to divorce and become poly. so it depends on the person.

Saving a marriage is not the be and end of all. Saving the relationship counts - remaining friends, yes. But saving a relationship because of marriage? Thats a guilt trip no one should have to suffer.

And I repeat as I said before, people are assuming that because a person cheats, they must be poly(I understand you are not). That is bollocks. People who cheat, are not always 'just dishonest'. People make judgements without knowing the full extent and it is always unwise to judge on limited knowledge.

Peace and Rapture

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 5:26:08 AM

TNstepsout

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Anything other than honoring the commitment you made to your spouse is a copout. Saying it could make a marriage better is just a justification for engaging in an affair. It's wrong, period! It's not that complicated. What makes it complicated is when people try to justify and come up with reasons for doing something they know is wrong so they don't have to feel bad about it. If you are going to cheat on someone you love, lie, manipulate and deceive them, then DAMMIT! grow some balls and FEEL BAD about it. That's the price you have to pay for doing what you want to do. Quit trying to wiggle out of it.

If your marriage is not making you happy on all levels then you have some decisions to make.

1. End the marriage and seek a relationship that makes you happy on ALL levels and risk losing the things that make you happy about your current spouse.
2. Tell your spouse there is an area you need to be fulfilled and hope she is open to it.
3. Suck it up and live with the choice you made when you said "I do" and realize that sometimes we don't get EVERYTHING we want and sometimes we just have to settle for A LOT of what we want.

People who cheat want their cake and they want to eat it too. They selfishly make the decision to KEEP what they want on terms other than those they agreed to, and sneak around to get what they WANT on the side. Then to top it off they go through all these convoluted rationalizations so they can look themselves in the mirror in the morning when their loving, devoted spouse gives them a peck on the cheek and cheerily says "Good Morning dear, how was your business meeting last night?"

Oh, and to answer your poll. There is no such thing as an attractive CHEATER!

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 6:14:16 AM

fistmeisater6969

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As one person has just said, look at the compatability. I love My partner who is vanilla. I found My Dom side AFTER we'd got together. It is My alter-ego, should I & others like Me suppress these desires? What of the sub who does likewise to her (or his) husband, would those who critisize do so as readily I wonder.

I think it adds to the spice when a sub / slave is vanilla married, they often need "the scene" more....

Live & let live I say.

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 6:23:06 AM

sweetnurseBBW

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In my 12 years as a slave I have met more dishonest, non married cheaters than I ever did in my marriage. Especially on regards to meeting sites. most are dishonest to begin with. Why? couldn't tell you. Most people in our society are only out for number one. Dishonesty is unattractive no matter who it is.

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 8:32:53 AM

zumala

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There is never an acceptable reason for cheating. If you 'discovered' your kinky side after getting married, well... 1) talk to your mate; 2) if that doesn't work then you need to decide which is worth more to you, after all you did live x number of years just fine without kinkiness; 3) if your kink is more important to you, then get the hell out of your marriage and don't you dare abuse the one who loves you by cheating on them.

I'm submissive. My husband is submissive. This means there's not a whole hell of a lot of domming going on here. But we'd both give it up rather than lose each other.

zuma

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 9:10:09 AM

darkinshadows

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

Anything other than honoring the commitment you made to your spouse is a copout. Saying it could make a marriage better is just a justification for engaging in an affair. It's wrong, period! It's not that complicated. What makes it complicated is when people try to justify and come up with reasons for doing something they know is wrong so they don't have to feel bad about it. If you are going to cheat on someone you love, lie, manipulate and deceive them, then DAMMIT! grow some balls and FEEL BAD about it. That's the price you have to pay for doing what you want to do. Quit trying to wiggle out of it.

If your marriage is not making you happy on all levels then you have some decisions to make.

1. End the marriage and seek a relationship that makes you happy on ALL levels and risk losing the things that make you happy about your current spouse.
2. Tell your spouse there is an area you need to be fulfilled and hope she is open to it.
3. Suck it up and live with the choice you made when you said "I do" and realize that sometimes we don't get EVERYTHING we want and sometimes we just have to settle for A LOT of what we want.

People who cheat want their cake and they want to eat it too. They selfishly make the decision to KEEP what they want on terms other than those they agreed to, and sneak around to get what they WANT on the side. Then to top it off they go through all these convoluted rationalizations so they can look themselves in the mirror in the morning when their loving, devoted spouse gives them a peck on the cheek and cheerily says "Good Morning dear, how was your business meeting last night?"

Oh, and to answer your poll. There is no such thing as an attractive CHEATER!

For some people, commitments do change. Life changes and evolves constantly... full stop. Marriage and being married should not be used as a guilt trip.

Whilst I don't disagree with what you have to say - your looking at the whole situation from only one side and using huge generalisations on other peoples relationships. But why? Its not your relationship - your not involved - you dont want to ever get involved... then thats all there is to be said about it. Does it matter if you think that they are cheating? Nope... your ideas are irrelevant. Does it matter if you think they are unattractive? Nope... again - makes not difference except to you own little world and your own little circle of friends.

You are making assumptions that the spouse is devoted. How would you know? You don't - you are making assumptions on not knowing and not even wanting to know a given situation. These people are human beings. They have feelings, needs and desires just like you and I. You have no idea where they are right now - how they got into that position and what will happen in the future. Of course there will be people who are serial fuckers who have the happy wife or husband at home... but your choosing to hate and label - and essentially that is what you are displaying - a section of people based on your perception of what cheating is. And perception doesnt make reality.

And why on earth should anyone married or otherwise, be expected to settle?

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 9:30:44 AM

mnottertail

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I certainly voiced an opinion.

Ron

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 9:43:16 AM

fullofgrace

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yes, things change. that does not excuse lying. sorry :) don't care what the situation is. in some cases i can -understand- it and -sympathize- for it more than others, but i will not make excuses for it.

it doesn't matter if the other partner finds out or not - it's still wrong. if i steal something and no one finds out, that doesn't make stealing right. why should it make cheating right?

also, darkinshadows, if you actually read that paragraph, i was arguing -against- the fact that most cheaters "must be poly." i don't think cheating makes anyone more likely to be poly than anyone else; as i said, for some people "divorcing and becoming poly" might work, for others it would probably be a horrible mistake. for the record, i personally am exploring polyamory.

yes, life changes. yes, marriage changes. however, if you're married to someone, you still have an obligation to be honest to them within the boundaries of the relationship. if you can't do that, then you need to get a divorce or at least be honest about it and take up marriage counseling if you have all kinds of excuses for not getting a divorce.

< Message edited by fullofgrace -- 8/17/2006 9:51:10 AM >

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 10:05:45 AM

darkinshadows

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quote:

also, darkinshadows, if you actually read that paragraph, i was arguing -against- the fact that most cheaters "must be poly." i don't think cheating makes anyone more likely to be poly than anyone else; as i said, for some people "divorcing and becoming poly" might work, for others it would probably be a horrible mistake. for the record, i personally am exploring polyamory

I know - which is why I wrote (I know you are not) in brackets in my response.

quote:

yes, life changes. yes, marriage changes. however, if you're married to someone, you still have an obligation to be honest to them within the boundaries of the relationship. if you can't do that, then you need to get a divorce or at least be honest about it and take up marriage counseling if you have all kinds of excuses for not getting a divorce.

I agree... but you have to be honest with yourself first, before you can give over honesty to anyone else. And being accused of all manner of things from lying to cheating - doesn't assist people in that. It just makes them back up and protect themself in a corner. It can take time to come to that realisation for some - doesn't make them hateful people, just people who have to find the strength from somewhere.

Peace and Rapture

< Message edited by darkinshadows -- 8/17/2006 10:09:30 AM >

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RE: Attractive married men cheating on their wives... - 8/17/2006 10:21:14 AM

fullofgrace

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ah! okay. i thought the (i understand you are not) was a reference to whether or not i was poly, not whether or not i was trying to say that :) misunderstanding.

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