RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (Full Version)

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SusanofO -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:05:25 AM)

agirl: That is such an astute observation, I think. Right on target. If someone doesn't want to get to know the person, I am thinking then they may well be looking for insta-Dom or insta-Sub. I suppose someone could have one of those, too.

But - if they do get one of those, my question is: How can you respect or care for someone you don't even really know?

Kind of negates that whole you-are-extra-special-to-me-and-I-know-just-how-to care-for-and-satisfy-you kinda vibe that is seemingly inherently promised as being that extra-special "thing" that happens within a bdsm context, doesn't it? But, then again, I am maybe just being predjudiced. Or maybe I am just saying a real relationship might take real work.

- Susan



MasterNdorei -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:09:57 AM)

i applaud Viper001's post, and i think Popeye made a salient point too in that other groups have zealots, constant members, visitors, and those just stopping by... people find themselves in various degrees of passion about things, groups, beliefs, and so on... the important thing is to acknowledge that everyone can bring value to the collective group...

People in vanilla groups deal with this... it is the differences between being "catholic", being a "good catholic" and being a nun. It is the same arguement at car shows, when the ones who arrive in their show car look down their noses at those who trailered their car and vice versa.

There is a price to pay to be completely emersed in any one thing. All you can do is find the balance that works for you, practice tolerance, and hope it catches on! 



agirl -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:10:46 AM)

When it boils down to it............ I think (?) that Katy was really describing the fact that some people seem to lose all objectivity.  It seems to me a little like fretting that you may not be able to survive or *be* a Christian if you can't make it to the church.......lol

Anyhow, I'm off out to drink, smoke and play pool in a bar-room. I'm loving being *sans sprogs* already.........LOL

agirl



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:11:35 AM)

quote:

There have been so many threads lately about whether people should work or marry or how they should take care of each other during illness.  When did the lifestyle become an excuse not to live as a *real* person? 

While many people Do get into the lifestyle (or euphemism of choice) as a way to escape responsibilities that mature adults undertake, I don't think that's what was being addressed in those topics.  In fact in those topics it appeared people were doing what they could to sustain and hold true to their commitments and responsibilities that come with being a mature adult.  It is interesting to note how few people actually responded to Julia's thread on discussing life matter.

I think for most people, the lifestyle is a main definer for them.  It is the foundation from which everything else rests upon and the primary priority in their lives.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing.  It makes sense then to view all other issues within the perspective of that particular dynamic.

Sometimes it is important to change perspectives and think outside the box, but even then you don't need to abandon the dynamic, you just have to reshape how you work within it.



Viper001 -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:11:57 AM)

quote:


Frankly, Susan, this is the type of stupidity that happens when you START a relationship BY defining yourselves as Master/slave etc.....and looking at each other AS those things instead of as people.


Your mileage will vary.
We must be doing something right in our "stupidity". 8 years and growing stronger in our relationship - as husband/wife, as dominant/submissive, as individuals.
Is it possible to "agree to disagree" without the invective?

Regards,
RFJM



juliaoceania -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:12:52 AM)

I have a dom, but I do not live with him, and I do not belong to any organizations, and my best friend and I rarely talk about being submissives at all. I do not consider myself a part of the "lifestyle" as such. I do take part in WIITWD. I guess it depends on what you consider lifestylers. Also, I think you may have misconstrued the motivation of my thread if you think it was about lifestyle. It was about whether or not people have considered these things within their relationships. Part of it was spawned by Merc and beth talking about themselves and their situation (which I think is a lovely example), and another poster talking about wanting to stick by someone she has grown to care for. 

I guess this has been on my mind because of a recent situation I have been coming to terms with from my own family, which was not lifestyle related at all. You see I call the man my mom took care of her spouse, but they were not legally married because of economic reasons. They lives together for over 20 years. His daughters could have taken him and put him in a home anytime they wanted to, and my mom worried about this often. I called him her spouse because it is easier to describe the relationship as I have seen many marrieds that did not have her dedication. It is also risky, because his daughters were not exactly close to him, and the only reason they did not interfere was because they were fond of my mom.




agirl -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:13:23 AM)

The desperation to *serve* does NOT actually *serve* many people well really and vice-versa, to dom. It all goes to rat-shit when that's the leading thrust.

Regards, agirl



popeye1250 -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:16:22 AM)

Ndorei, good points!
Yes, I think anyone in a group has something to offer that group no matter their degree of expertise.
I've learned an incredable amount in here from some people who I know don't have as much time in wiiwd as me!



RavenMuse -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:17:43 AM)

I don't live 'for the lifestyle', I am just ME. That happens to include the fact that I am Dominant and that any relationship I have is D/s oriented. None of that has any 'down time', just who I am and the realitys of the way I live My life. Personaly I don't view it as 'doing D/s' one day and 'doing vanilla shit' another, it is just Me living My life.



LaTigresse -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:19:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

I don't live 'for the lifestyle', I am just ME. That happens to include the fact that I am Dominant and that any relationship I have is D/s oriented. None of that has any 'down time', just who I am and the realitys of the way I live My life. Personaly I don't view it as 'doing D/s' one day and 'doing vanilla shit' another, it is just Me living My life.


While I was trying to figure out how to express how I feel someone already did!



SusanofO -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:19:43 AM)

I'm not criticizing anyone. I think people should live the "life-style" however they want to. Because I don't believe in the "life-style", and have no idea what people mean by that word - simply because (I think) it is such an individual decision for anyone and everyone. I couldn't care less what other people do, or do not do. I only tend to get a little touchy when if they think they know what I should do or not within my life regarding anything related to bdsm, if I am not seeking advice. If they do this, I usually ignore it. I do see people do this to eachother more than occasionally at CM - but not in this thread. 

I do think this is a very good topic. 

- Susan



Viper001 -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:24:48 AM)

My apologies, ms susan. That post wasn't directed at you. I hit the wrong button and have since edited the post to indicate this.



juliaoceania -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:26:43 AM)

I agree susan, people should live the way that is comfortable to them whether they are with someone or not. No household is exactly the same.



genusnpimptress -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:27:26 AM)

Yes the lifestyle has effected who I am and the way I act, but for the better. I am more polite, honest, open, trustworthy, focused, task driven and goal oriented. It has shaped me into a better person that I thought that I could ever be. I serve him through my actions, whether he is there or not, and I take pride in the fact that he has altered my behavior in such a way. The lifestyle has helped me to find my place in this world, and the result of that is that I feel good about myself and I look better. I am less stressed and I have the knowledge that there is someone that loves me deeply and accepts and desires all of me. I feel beautiful and I look beautiful.

As for my day to day, in some ways yes and in some ways I am the same. Sickness is not an issue and I am not sure why that would hold anyone back. Sir was recently in the hospital for a week, it did not put a stop to my service,  it just changed the way that I serve him.

I still go to family gatherings. I still hang out with friends. I still work just the same. I am just better at what I do, I act better, I look better and I feel better. I am still a friend, mother, daughter, sister, employee, community member I am still human.

I agree that it should not define you, but I think that it should make you better in the definition of self.



Keaira



SusanofO -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:30:14 AM)

Viper001: I mis-read your post, too. Sorry (oops). Then I realized it, and sort of changed my response.

- Susan



popeye1250 -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:50:07 AM)

I think one thing that all the above posts show is that everyone approaches this from their own perspective.
There are many different levels of experience and one thing can mean something different to two people.



Viper001 -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:53:36 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

I think one thing that all the above posts show is that everyone approaches this from their own perspective.
There are many different levels of experience and one thing can mean something different to two people.


Concur. It's this very diversity of perspective that allows us to learn from each other, something I'm always willing to do whether I agree with that perspective or not.
immho, invective serves no usefull purpose. :)




Mercnbeth -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:54:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
... whether people should work or marry or how they should take care of each other during illness.  When did the lifestyle become an excuse not to live as a *real* person?  The lifestyle does not define me in my entirety.  I am many things...



this slave sees them as valid questions that people might have when they are considering entering into any type of a committed BDSM relationship.  since this is a BDSM discussion board, it seems logical that folks would ask "real" questions here, perhaps in the hopes of gaining perspective from people who identify and live in D/s or M/s relationships...not just questions asking for suggestions for scenes or "what's your favorite punishment".
 
the relationship that Master and His slave enjoy is labeled as an "alternative lifestyle" by the society we live in and the dictionaries we study---not by us.  for us, it is a committed relationship.  things like when or if this slave works, marries, cares for family members during illness, etc. are ALL subject to the Master/slave dynamic of our relationship.
 
Webster's defines "alternative" as:
#3.  different from the usual or conventional: as a : existing or functioning outside the established cultural, social, or economic system <an alternative newspaper> <alternative lifestyles>
 
and "lifestyle" is defined as:
the typical way of life of an individual, group, or culture



SusanofO -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 7:55:01 AM)

julia: I never thought you were alluding to, in that thread of yours, that anyone should attempt to behave a particular way when making high impact decision like whether to pull the plug on a temrinally ill person ,etc. I thought, if anything, you were simply inquiring how people involved in bdsm at CM, as individuals, might make these kinds of decisions. If anything, that thread clarified for me even more that people in this "life-style" are all just people who lead their lives as human individuals, and have to contend with these kinds of life changes, and their "life-style" and how they live it, really has less (or more, depending on how they define the term) to do with how they make these decisions than some may think. I thought it was a thread that could have been discussed almost anywhere, actually. It was a good thread, I thought. It certainly was a good question-topic.

- Susan



SusanofO -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/25/2006 8:07:29 AM)

mercnbeth: Another astute post form you two (as usual). Bdsm is an alternative life-style, and yes, labelling it "alternative" in relation to a majority, which is correct. Also noting that how people (specifically M/s couples, specifically you two) live their lives within that "alternative" context tends to be very indvidual within their conmmitted M/s relationship (because of course, people are all individuals). I love you two.  I hope you live a long and happy married life. Cheers! [:)]

- Susan 



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