RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You

RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (Full Version)

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Wolfie648 -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (8/27/2006 2:52:34 AM)
quote: I can't be mad at a Dom who starts a post with "O dear." Then I'll take it you have learned your lesson. :-) Follow the bait. D (owner of j).

misswipp -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/11/2006 1:06:10 PM)
on it's face it is a lifestyle? you take from it what you like,what ever trips your trigger.

jesskitty -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/11/2006 1:35:18 PM)
i like this thought, that's why i stem away from classifying myself . i think when you foucs to much on classifying yourself to one thing you forget the big picture of being human and life in general. that this is something that is temporary and throughout life we change all that matters is ourselves and the effort we put into life i belive. the rest are just fine tunings of what we as humans do.

maudite -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/18/2006 4:41:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BuxomGoddess714 Being Dominant is a personality trait. You go to work, pay Your bills, take care of Your sick loved ones and are functionally Dominant in your business, frienships, etc. It's who You are. Being submissive is your nature so you serve your boss or customers, take care of your loved ones and are functionally submissive towards others. Grown ups have priorities. People who do not wish to live in Reality will find lots of excuses and other "lifestyles", religiouns, issues, whatever to get out of responsibilities. I don't buy it. Be blessed, Goddess Ummm... No. Maybe that's the way it works for you, but it's not the way I live my life. I'm a submissive, but I am most certainly not submissive in my social or professional relationships; in fact, it's quite the contrary. (And in my experience, that's the case for a great many submissives.) My entire life isn't focused around some overwhelming need to serve. If you asked me to select the primary traits that define who I am, 'submissive' wouldn't even make the list. For me, BDSM is something I do, not 'who I am'. It's a part of me, definitely. I've known I was into bondage since before I had any idea what it meant. In any sexual setting I default to a submissive role. But my sexuality doesn't inform everything I do. To be honest, I'm put off by the whole idea of defining yourself primarily by your kink. I'm not saying it's a cop-out or that it makes you any less 'real', but there's something about it that bugs me. This thread makes it clear that there are many, many different ways that people approach WIITWD. As such, any blanket pronouncement of "how it is", representing any single POV, is by definition wrong, or at least misguided.

Morrigel -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/18/2006 6:50:22 PM)
I don't really feel it is my place to tell someone else what should define them or what their priorities in life should be, if that person is not wearing my collar. Hell, there might even be some debate if they WERE wearing my collar, but...at least I would have some excuse for telling that person how to live. Personally, I have great respect for people who are able to commit themselves to a sex-positive lifestyle. I've briefly met many erotic artists, community leaders and educators over the years, but rarely have I ever gotten the chance to thank them for the time and energy they've spent....writing books, offering seminars, helping to organize events, educating beginners or curious vanilla-beans, creating dungeons or other kink-friendly businesses, fighting for the legal rights of adults who make adult choices, filling the world with beautiful artwork or stories....just all the wunnerful things that they do, out in the open and proudly. Personally, I feel that the efforts of all these people benefit me a great deal, on an almost daily basis, and I appreciate their courage, candor, and creativity. I sometimes envy them the fact that so many of their friends and loved ones must accept or even share their interests, support their choices, etc..--I think that's a fantastic thing. I guess I'm in the minority on this one, but I think a person's sexuality is as good a thing to pursue and affirm in life as their favorite football team, their church or whatever. I mean, do people ever walk up to a pastor or a rabbi and say, "You know, I really think you should try to be a more balanced person. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love God and stuff! But you shouldn't let your faith DEFINE you like this...!" --M

DiurnalVampire -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/18/2006 7:03:22 PM)
I dont see myself as defined by my lifestyle. It is why Angel and I are together, without it he and I never would have met, much less been involved. I am a dominant personality in my outside life as wel as at home. Angel is a submissive personality around all women, but not around men. It has nothing to with our lifestyle, just our personalities. Personally, I am very out about my sexuality. The vanillas are curious, my friends dont always understand, but I dont hide much with most of them. If they ask, I tell. I dont force it on anyone but I dont see a reason to lie to anyone becasue my tastes are different than theirs. We dont flaunt, most of my friends accept Angel as my boyfriend. This is who I am. Its not a definition of me, just another descriptor to add to the collection. DV

adaddysgirl -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/18/2006 7:43:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: maudite quote: ORIGINAL: BuxomGoddess714 Being Dominant is a personality trait. You go to work, pay Your bills, take care of Your sick loved ones and are functionally Dominant in your business, frienships, etc. It's who You are. Being submissive is your nature so you serve your boss or customers, take care of your loved ones and are functionally submissive towards others. Grown ups have priorities. People who do not wish to live in Reality will find lots of excuses and other "lifestyles", religiouns, issues, whatever to get out of responsibilities. I don't buy it. Be blessed, Goddess Ummm... No. Maybe that's the way it works for you, but it's not the way I live my life. I'm a submissive, but I am most certainly not submissive in my social or professional relationships; in fact, it's quite the contrary. (And in my experience, that's the case for a great many submissives.) My entire life isn't focused around some overwhelming need to serve. If you asked me to select the primary traits that define who I am, 'submissive' wouldn't even make the list. maudite, i think i see what you are saying here. When i am in a relationship, i do submit to my partner. Outside of that, there are many instances where i actually take control. i have kids. They live on their own now so i really need not exert any control there but as children, i did have to exert parental control (if you will). When they were young, i told them what to wear, gave them what i wanted them to eat, set rules and punished them. In some sense, i was a dom....even if only in that capacity. But then again, i guess there are times when i do "defer" to others in my life....but that is not out of a need to serve. Ie...i pretty much defer to my boss....so i won't lose my job. Or i may defer to a judge....so i'm not thrown in jail. Or i amay even defer to a police officer (of sorts) so i am not arrested. Again, i do not do this because i am submissive....i do it as self preservation, pretty much. And any Dominant may do the same for the same reason. i do not defer to co-workers in any way. As a matter of fact, if you ever talked with those who work with me, they would say i was rather aggressive. But that is because if i don't assert myself there, those guys would walk all over me....and i'm not havin' that. i have 3 older brothers. When i was younger, they controlled everything. And now that i can speak up for myself, they don't even try to control my life in any way. i do not submit to them...nor their attempts at dominance. i prefer not to presume what Buxom was trying to convey in her post. i can only say that in general, i am not "functionally submissive to others".....but only so to my partner. DG

FangsNfeet -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/18/2006 8:06:48 PM)
The lifestyle shouldn't define anyone more than an astrological sign. Anyhow, it's always important to walk the walk if you're going to talk the talk.

susie -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/19/2006 12:12:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BuxomGoddess714.... Being Dominant is a personality trait. You go to work, pay Your bills, take care of Your sick loved ones and are functionally Dominant in your business, frienships, etc. It's who You are. Being submissive is your nature so you serve your boss or customers, take care of your loved ones and are functionally submissive towards others. Grown ups have priorities. People who do not wish to live in Reality will find lots of excuses and other "lifestyles", religiouns, issues, whatever to get out of responsibilities. I don't buy it. Be blessed, Goddess This is certainly not true for me. I am totally submissive to my Master but in the business world I am anything but. I hold a position that requires me to take charge of a number of people and control large amounts of money daily. As for the op. I am submissive and live with my Master. I was recently diagnosed with skin cancer and had an operation on my back. For the last 4 months Master has had to care for me, changing my dressing daily, massaging the area around it and running me around to wherever I needed to go. He would never have considered not doing any of these things because he was the Dom. He cares for me and of course we have normal things that go on in our lives all the time. That said, he certainly enjoyed being able to shout at me to "sit still" whenever I got bored and tried to do things that I should not be doing.

BuxomGoddess714 -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/19/2006 1:34:33 AM)
The question was how does the lifestyle rid one of having a real life and responsibilities? Where did all the hate come from? The biggest baddest Dom is going to submit to someone with an AK pointed at their head, lets not get ridiculous. Dominant over whom? submissive to whom? There are people more Dominant then some, and a smart person realizes this. Its a matter of degrees. Wanting to be tied up and fucked doesn't make you a submissive human being. It makes you a sexual bottom. I guess now its just about what people do in bed since its become a fad... Thats a new concept for me, so sorry if I am confused. If you want to call yourself a "PURPLE" person because you painted your dick purple while in bed, go ahead. My point was only that you can be a responsible Dominant person and a responsible submissive person, and to ME if you are calling yourself that it isn't just about what you do just in your sexual relationships because those words are personality traits, or say "I am sexually submissive, business Dominant, submissive with my kids and Dominant over my banker". Shit, how confusing. Just be responsible. What you limit to sexual, now there is already words for that. Top or bottom. This bothers me because it justifies what the OP is asking about. Lazy so called "Dom's" who are really just sexual tops and cannot even control their own lives or bank accounts. They want to "own" people, but they don't own anything else in the world. They are not dominant persons, dominant persons are in control of their own lives. Lazy so called "subs" do-me sexual bottoms who serve only themselves because they do not have a need to serve, so they don't work, don't do a damn thing but self-serve and secure their own care and financial future off other people. To have a real life you need to have real needs met, like mortgages, etc. So yes, it is just MY OPINION but this is the problem that cause what the OP asked about. I happen to believe it IS realistic to know if you are more of an Agressive/Dominant/Leader person or a Passive/submissive/follower person if your IQ is above low/normal range. Just about sex? Top or bottom and I'll have no other expectation from you. Simple.

aellea -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/19/2006 2:48:08 AM)
having read back the posts of the topics, i became very interested in everyone's thoughts and ideas. i don't have the eloquence or sophisticated education to pontificate ad infinitim but here are my thoughts on things simply... 1) lifestyle... a bit of spice thrown into your life to 'enhance' your daily grind and if you want/wish/desire/need/crave more spice, you add more or other things to deepen the rapture and make life more fun or bearable. 2) humans are mostly joiners or want to be part of something, to feel they belong, again i say most. it makes them happy to belong to something whether they be Dom or sub/slave. 3) Lady Hugs, with permission please i would like to quote a small part of what you wrote. you have my esteem and i thank you for your wisdom as i'm always impressed with your posts. she wrote "As for those who cannot feel worthy or independent of groups/clubs and or associations, to be defined as an individual--I feel sorry for them. It must be a real burden to identify more with a group and or organization/association than just being 'them.' Anybody who takes attention off of them are immediately attacked, so they can have their needed fix of attention and validation. In my mind's eye, I can only assume it is more frightening to stand alone than to hide under the umbrella of a group/organization/association/ club." 4) titles... if we all had the title of 'human' we would be androgynous. as humans, we would have to subcategorize it in some manner using male/female/top/bottom/sub/slave etc in which we do. it's not really a title, just a way for us to identify ourselves and others 5) somewhere in here was a question about taking care of someone ill. does it really matter if the person is Dom or sub/slave? don't most people care about other's well-being and want to aid them? (barring my ex-husband that is) i am a nurturer and could go to great lengths to give my all in attempting to aid someone in a time of need. i would hope that having a Dominant that he too would care and hopefully love me enough to wish to give me succor so my health would improve and we could once again meet on mutual footing. i hope i'm not interpreting this wrong. i see the relationship between the two D/s as a great love and deep yearning for each other, not the one-sided do this, do that, on your knees b**ch song and dance we have heard before. i see two equal facets, both needing and receiving great release from the interaction and if that balance should slip for a health issue, wouldn't it be worth a great value to "fix it"? 6) so many of you have it so right in my opinion... we are not a lifestyle we are people that are unique, truly fortunate to have found and embraced a way of enhancing our lives. we have sought others that truly enjoy also what we do and we choose to accept them into our lives so that we may together receive more joy. call it what you may it's still the spice of life, the chili pepper in your chili that adds the va va voom. why settle for vanilla missionary sex when you can add leather, ropes and paddles? we are the fortunate few that have found, accepted and embraced this need and if we choose to call it a lifestyle then so be it. some may want to add salt or pepper and be happy and some may want hot sauce and some habeneros in theirs... must we debate on the depth of spicyness or heat whether we are real or not? bad example but i think this works - 10 people go into a diner and each orders a different meal and consumes it. each is a customer and hungry. it doesn't matter if one is a mom, one a hitchhiker, one a clergyman, a cop, a serial killer on that one plane, they are equal. 7) in another discussion someone was grousing about titles and why should we standardize them. i think this is a very simple idea. miscommunication of ideas start wars. not in the bdsm world but stranger things have happened. yes it's 5:39am and i'm probably rambling but please bear with me. we all have agreed at one time or another that communication is probably the single most important thing in a relationship to keep it healthy and alive. there are many way to communicate and two people can do so without words and still manage to convey their thoughts quite well. when you get to large amounts of people, they are not communicating as the two individuals so and so there needs to be something in place so when they are speaking to one another they can be clear of what the other is saying. two groups of identical individuals with one speaking english and the other russian would have a very difficult and frustrating time if their only recourse was verbal. take the sub/slave discussion that has been around since they could put a "/" between it and make them separate. i learned early online that a sub can say no and be outspoken and a slave can't say no. simple yes but is that really true? i've been told old guard thinks they are the same. yes both are a submissive and that there is no difference. i could go on and on but am not. one person says she's a slave but wants certain things in a relationship before she will sign up for the tour. some subs enter a relationship and will do anything and in what i was told, that is a slave. it is very confusing if there is no clear cut definition on a word for two people in different educations to converse without maybe a heated confrontation arising. if someone tells me that the moon is green... i think they are crazy or something really weird is happening as it's not the norm. i think you all get the gist of this novel and i thank you for your time. i don't do this often and tonite this really sparked my mind. blessed be and may you have a smile on your face in adversity

twicehappy -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/19/2006 5:12:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: popeye1250 Susan, people who are into Harley Davidsons call that a "Lifestyle" too. Um...Popeye, don't take this the wrong way but being a biker is a lifestyle, it is something you are all the time. That does not mean you do not live a somewhat normal life but for most it does color the way they live in most respects. On the other hand like the tee shirt says; "Twenty thousand dollars and twenty miles does not make you a biker"

KatyLied -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/19/2006 5:58:24 AM)
Fangs: quote: Anyhow, it's always important to walk the walk if you're going to talk the talk. Yes, I agree. I feel comfortable with the way I am walking the path. I guess my problem is that I see some (many) people who seem to live in a fantasy. It's as if they are caught up in a fantasy of what the lifestyle should be. I try to explain to them that D/s, bdsm, is part of who I am, but it's not everything about me, and I never had the intention that it should be everything about me. People have many facets, and to me it's another facet. It's as if they don't get the "vanilla" part; they just live for the D/s bdsm part.

NINASHARP -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/19/2006 9:45:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied Fangs: quote: Anyhow, it's always important to walk the walk if you're going to talk the talk. Yes, I agree. I feel comfortable with the way I am walking the path. I guess my problem is that I see some (many) people who seem to live in a fantasy. It's as if they are caught up in a fantasy of what the lifestyle should be. I try to explain to them that D/s, bdsm, is part of who I am, but it's not everything about me, and I never had the intention that it should be everything about me. People have many facets, and to me it's another facet. It's as if they don't get the "vanilla" part; they just live for the D/s bdsm part. Hi KatyLied, Reading this last post, I was left with a thought. IMO, Some people's fantasies are other people's realities. And yes, I think it can be very defining.

susie -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/19/2006 11:21:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BuxomGoddess714 The question was how does the lifestyle rid one of having a real life and responsibilities? Where did all the hate come from? The biggest baddest Dom is going to submit to someone with an AK pointed at their head, lets not get ridiculous. Dominant over whom? submissive to whom? There are people more Dominant then some, and a smart person realizes this. Its a matter of degrees. Wanting to be tied up and fucked doesn't make you a submissive human being. It makes you a sexual bottom. I guess now its just about what people do in bed since its become a fad... Thats a new concept for me, so sorry if I am confused. If you want to call yourself a "PURPLE" person because you painted your dick purple while in bed, go ahead. My point was only that you can be a responsible Dominant person and a responsible submissive person, and to ME if you are calling yourself that it isn't just about what you do just in your sexual relationships because those words are personality traits, or say "I am sexually submissive, business Dominant, submissive with my kids and Dominant over my banker". Shit, how confusing. Just be responsible. What you limit to sexual, now there is already words for that. Top or bottom. This bothers me because it justifies what the OP is asking about. Lazy so called "Dom's" who are really just sexual tops and cannot even control their own lives or bank accounts. They want to "own" people, but they don't own anything else in the world. They are not dominant persons, dominant persons are in control of their own lives. Lazy so called "subs" do-me sexual bottoms who serve only themselves because they do not have a need to serve, so they don't work, don't do a damn thing but self-serve and secure their own care and financial future off other people. To have a real life you need to have real needs met, like mortgages, etc. So yes, it is just MY OPINION but this is the problem that cause what the OP asked about. I happen to believe it IS realistic to know if you are more of an Agressive/Dominant/Leader person or a Passive/submissive/follower person if your IQ is above low/normal range. Just about sex? Top or bottom and I'll have no other expectation from you. Simple. As you know nothing about my relationship with my Master it is impossible for you to suggest that I am only submissive sexually. This is quite untrue. Yes at work I am more Dominant in my role but that is because of the position I have. I am totally submissive to Master and certainly not just in bed as he will gladly tell you. Perhaps it is just because he is the only person dominant enough to make me feel that way, which I doubt very much. Until you know me or him then please do not assume that everything is the way you think it is.

CrappyDom -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/19/2006 11:29:51 AM)
Katy quote: When did the lifestyle become an excuse not to live as a real* person?* Uhm, this is quite often the exact reason people JOIN groups and explains why I have such a love/hate relationship with the scene. My remaining fantasy is to form the group for people who hate groups.

BuxomGoddess714 -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/21/2006 1:47:30 AM)
Sorry susie, the response was to the board. Not to you and your Master. I dont give a shit about your relationship, sorry. Submissive to Him, Dominant at work. Covered that in my post. Its not all about you and couldn't care less. Was answering the OP. Twice. Everyone sure does love to talk about their own relationships when people are trying to discuss ideas in general. Everyone's favorite topic. I haven't mentioned ONE of my relationships or anyones. I am talking in generalities. Egos.

adommeforu -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/21/2006 1:59:59 AM)
But what if the lifestyle is Y/you? I am a fifth generation D/s and this is all I know. As with say, religion, I am aware that there are other lifestyles out there, but as with religion, a Christian is a Christian, no matter what. This does not mean that they go about Bible thumping nor preaching at every given chance, but it is who and what they are.

CuteIrishM4F -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/21/2006 7:07:42 AM)
Respectfully, Humans are far too complex to be boxed off as one thing or another. We are always far more than that whether we wish to be or not. BDSM, or any aspect of it which appeals to you, is only one fascet of your total personality. In some it is a larger slice of the pie than in others, but it is only ever a slice. Regards, a.

popeye1250 -> RE: The Lifestyle Shouldn't Define You (10/21/2006 9:42:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: twicehappy quote: ORIGINAL: popeye1250 Susan, people who are into Harley Davidsons call that a "Lifestyle" too. Um...Popeye, don't take this the wrong way but being a biker is a lifestyle, it is something you are all the time. That does not mean you do not live a somewhat normal life but for most it does color the way they live in most respects. On the other hand like the tee shirt says; "Twenty thousand dollars and twenty miles does not make you a biker" Twice, I meant that in a positive way.

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