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Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 7:34:57 AM

sapphirepleasure

Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
Status: offline

Last night I accepted a date with a (as far as I know at this point) vanilla guy and had a marvelous time. He's a comedy writer in the film industry (I also have a background in the industry) and we both recently relocated to this area. We had great conversation while listening to a nice jazz combo and then strolled around downtown. It ended with a hug and an agreement to 'hang out again soon'.

When I messaged my closest friend in the lifestyle about my date, that it was vanilla but that we had a lot in common, his response was, 'Does that make it okay?'

I mean, I don't feel like I betrayed myself by going out with someone and having a great time, even if he didn't make me strip and suck him within minutes of meeting as so many doms I've met have demanded. Aside from three really great months of training, it's not like I've had great success integrating D/s (or M/s) into my life. There was the master who collared me and then changed his mind 4 days later, the bedroom dom who has a girlfriend, the one who borrowed $200 and has yet to pay it back weeks after he promised to, and various other encounters I don't wish to repeat.

I don't think I'm 'throwing in the towel', but in the meantime it's nice to have a decent date.

(I was advised not to post this because I would be eaten alive for not knowing whether I am 'in or out' of the lifestyle, but I am just being honest here and this is certainly not an easy place to be in.)

Comments?

Post #: 1

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 7:36:30 AM

Homestead

Posts: 1005
Status: offline

Vanilla dates are nice. I like the lack of pressure.

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 2

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 7:38:23 AM

sapphirepleasure

Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
Status: offline

Exactly. No expectations, and it turned out beautifully. Maybe I just shouldn't call it a date. Hanging out? Does that work better?

(in reply to Homestead)

Post #: 3

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 7:38:27 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

Just enjoy yourself sapphire - and fuck what anyone else thinks.

It may happen you only have a few dates - it might get more serious. Then maybe you can let him know your into BDSM - its too early to be worrying what might happen or what people think.

You're just living life - BDSM shouldn't stop you.

Be true to yourself and enjoy - just be happy.

Peace and Rapture

(edit because my punctuation and spelling is atrocious)

< Message edited by darkinshadows -- 9/3/2006 7:39:45 AM >

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 4

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 7:41:45 AM

MissyRane

Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline

Vanilla dating is great, nothing wrong with it at all

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 5

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 7:41:50 AM

sapphirepleasure

Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
Status: offline

Thank you, dark. I think that's exactly why it was so refreshing. Since I've been into 'the lifestyle', it's been an all-consuming focus to me, and I've let a lot of my other interests (like film and music) fall by the wayside. Maybe that's why I felt so alive last night. I can imagine being open with him about my 'proclivities' in time, but there was no reason to last night, it didn't come up really, and so I just enjoyed myself and it's all good.

Thanks again,
sp

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 6

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 7:42:47 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

What kind of friend assesses your enjoyment (of anything that relatively wholesome) and counters it with a remark like:"And that makes it okay?"
Of course its okay to have a nice vanilla date. What planet does this person live on?

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/3/2006 7:44:18 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 7

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 7:48:33 AM

sapphirepleasure

Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
Status: offline

I think in his mind I'm not being true to myself, my slave nature. Once he gave up vanilla, he made his whole life D/s and never looked back. For me it's not turning out to be so simple.

saph

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 8

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 7:49:00 AM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

First, to answer your original question..nope!! Just because you had a fun evening, laughed, shared all without any "lifestyle" stuff tossed in, makes it not only right, but smart. Having fun is never wrong, imho, as long as it's legal anyway..lol. If it really bugs your friend, say that you were conducting research..lol.

The relationships i've been fortunate enough to be a part of, and most that i've heard of, despite what you might hear on line, is part vanilla, part kink, part power exchange..if only for an evening. i can't see where a nice nilla evening, with no expectations other than to enjoy the company your with and having a pleasant time, is, in any way, shape or form, betrayal -- unless you chose to lay that kind of guilt trip on yourself. Every long term relationship i'm had (well, there were only a few..lol.. so i can't speak from a great deal of experience here..lol) is that they all started with nilla meetings, nilla dates, nilla outings, all with lots and lots of talking. Only then, as we got to know each other, and our communications deepened, did we move into D/s mode.

i think it's great you went out and had fun...certainly much better (and healthier) than sitting home alone or being stood up by a "dom" or being bored beyond tears to his pontifications of how domly and experienced he is..lol.

PS..Any chance your friend is just jealous?

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 9

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 7:50:42 AM

spankmepink11

Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline

saphire...i can only say, if you enjoyed it...then it was right for you

. It's a wonderfully diverse world we live in and we are all individuals. Do the things you enjoy and toss the " you are only real if you do it this way" rule book aside.

good luck

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 10

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 7:52:34 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

sapphirespleasure: Wow, isn't he the "supportive" one?

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 11

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 7:53:41 AM

TNstepsout

Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline

You're friend sounds like an idiot. You aren't "in" or "out" you are who and what you are. It's not a club, it's not a religion, it's not an all or nothing choice. It's just another aspect of the world that offers excitement, fulfillment, entertainment, intimacy and joy. It's stupid to think that just because you've found those things here, that you are no longer permitted to find them elsewhere.

Some people really work at making the simplest things so complicated. Just have fun.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 12

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 7:54:30 AM

sapphirepleasure

Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
Status: offline

Not laying a guilt trip on myself--good reminder, and something I am prone to do.

I don't think he's jealous, but rather that he's judging me by his own very high standards. If he can't have what he wants (D/s), he'd rather be alone. He's totally done with all things vanilla.

But for me, I do know it was healthy and fun.

(in reply to krikket)

Post #: 13

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 7:54:48 AM

zumala

Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
Status: offline

What a strange, and somewhat rude thing of a supposed friend to say. Of course there's nothing wrong with hanging out with vanilla people or even (horrors) dating them. Heck, pup and I vanilla dated and vanilla married before we stumbled onto BDSM and were both interested. There IS no set pattern or parameters for life and relationships. If you're enjoying yourself, then go for it.

zuma

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 14

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 7:55:54 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

The only problem with dating vanillas is not coming out to them when appropriate, or pressuring them NOT to be vanilla when you do come out to them about the bdsm/ds.

Otherwise, enjoy yourself. Vanillas get a lot of bashing from kinksters, I am glad you can just enjoy yourself.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 15

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 7:56:31 AM

BBWDomme1

Posts: 18
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline

Yes, it is a sin. Say 10 Hail Mary's, take 2 advil and 1 shot of tequila. And call me in the morning.

Just kidding. Fun is fun. Embrace and enjoy it no matter where you find it.

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 16

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 8:05:53 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

If you had fun, who cares what we think? I certainly wouldn't care what other people think about what I do with my life, unless they are my Dom. It isn't like you did something illegal or immoral... you had a date! If I were to find myself looking again, if I met someone I liked that was vanilla I would not rule them out, I may not seek it, but I would not rule out a friendship... if they wanted more I would tell them about my orientation... But a date is still just a date!

He sounds terrific!

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 17

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 8:10:20 AM

sapphirepleasure

Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
Status: offline

Yup, he was just what the doctor ordered! (An easy-going comedy writer who's a great conversationalist--how cool is that?)

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 18

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 8:12:19 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

There's nothing wrong with a vanilla date, alot of BDSM folks are married to vanilla partners. As long as you had a good time and felt happy about the experience whats the problem? Unless it turns serious I wouldn't worry about it and then just be honest with him. You never know he might have a kinkster inside of him as well.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 19

RE: Is a Vanilla Date a Sin? - 9/3/2006 8:13:39 AM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sapphirepleasure

Last night I accepted a date with a (as far as I know at this point) vanilla guy and had a marvelous time. He's a comedy writer in the film industry (I also have a background in the industry) and we both recently relocated to this area. We had great conversation while listening to a nice jazz combo and then strolled around downtown. It ended with a hug and an agreement to 'hang out again soon'.

When I messaged my closest friend in the lifestyle about my date, that it was vanilla but that we had a lot in common, his response was, 'Does that make it okay?'

I mean, I don't feel like I betrayed myself by going out with someone and having a great time, even if he didn't make me strip and suck him within minutes of meeting as so many doms I've met have demanded. Aside from three really great months of training, it's not like I've had great success integrating D/s (or M/s) into my life. There was the master who collared me and then changed his mind 4 days later, the bedroom dom who has a girlfriend, the one who borrowed $200 and has yet to pay it back weeks after he promised to, and various other encounters I don't wish to repeat.

I don't think I'm 'throwing in the towel', but in the meantime it's nice to have a decent date.

(I was advised not to post this because I would be eaten alive for not knowing whether I am 'in or out' of the lifestyle, but I am just being honest here and this is certainly not an easy place to be in.)

Comments?

I see you as a well rounded person that has the ability to blend ALL her life experience.

For an "open minded" lifestyle.. it sure has it's anal moments.. doesn't it.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to sapphirepleasure)

Post #: 20

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