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RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 7:27:02 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

Bondage play and cashier work are 2 totally different things. Being trained in cashier work is completely platonic. Bondage involves physical pleasure, kissing, and hugging. Training (in exercise) is his professional job title. Of course I didn't think anything of it. When I asked him in the beginning why he called himself that, he told me what he did for a living.


ahhhhh...........so he never claimed to be a BDSM trainer than right? That would explain why you have been involved with him as long as you have, written many posts about him, and only now refer to him as a "trainer". And by the way, exercise "trainer" IS a legitimate profession.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 101
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 7:35:31 AM   
PlayfulOne


Posts: 1047
Status: offline 		Bondage involves kissing and hugging?   That statment explains why you are having such trouble.  We have the romantic submissive and the unemotional dom, which leads to thread by pissy woman.

K

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 102
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 7:41:23 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

velvettears: I appreciate the thought, you sweetie - not much hurts my feelings anymore, actually.
It was kind of a low thing to say, though.

- Susan  



It's seemed to me to be a sublte form of emotional intimidation in order to "shut you up" and that equates with emotional bullying in my book. i don't like bullies and the only way to stop them is to confront them.  i suppose after 2000 some odd posts you perhaps get a thicker skin. i read it and it just boiled my blood. We are all adults here, come together to exchange experiences and ideas and to sometimes give advice and lend an ear to those in need. Never a need to be hostile. 

Velvetears, after reading that by Homestead again it was despicable!
That was said to hurt, insult and yes , Bully.
I wonder what he thought he'd accomplish by giving a low blow like that? Perhaps he wants to alienate people.
And, he does it to one of the nicest people on the boards too.
Maybe he needs a good smack in the mouth.

(in reply to velvetears)
Profile   Post #: 103
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 7:42:10 AM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

You're right. There is no way to make someone care. The problem is, he keeps confusing me. We have been split up for over a month now. I told him I loved him, which should have scared him off but it hasn't. Just last week he told me he wanted to start seeing me again.......more often this time, take me out on dates, and  treat me right. The next day, he said he wasn't ready for that yet. He told me to disregard everything because he was drunk from  5-6 beers over a 5 hour period (that's only 1 beer an hour). Last night, he told me when he wasn't "drunk" that he was considering dating both me and the other woman, plus the bondage with me of course. Then, there's the whole cam thing. I have repeatedly refused to do cam bondage without any live sessions. Two weeks ago, he saw the view my webcam status on yahoo messenger and was jealous and enraged when I wouldn't let him view. This isn't a case of him telling me no more, never again and me being unable to let go. Knowing my luck, the moment I commit to someone else, he will decide he's "ready" to come back to me. I don't want to end up hurting anyone the way he's hurt me. This is a zoo........and the reason why newbies should stay away from trainers.


Why are you still communicating with this person?  You say newbies should stay away from trainers, yet you don't take your own advice.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 104
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 7:42:57 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Just for the record, if I meet someone who says she has had or is involved with a "trainer" "mentor" or anyone of that ilk.  I quietly back away.  To me, it is a giant neon sign saying DANGER!!!

WHY?

Because they are almost guaranteed to be the ones with boundary issues, emotionally needy, and god knows what else.  Besides, nobody trains my girls as well as I train my girls.  If they want to learn, one read of "The Bottoming Book" and they will know more about D/s and BDSM than many here.

(in reply to PlayfulOne)
Profile   Post #: 105
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 7:58:03 AM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		Just let go OP and take the knowledge with you.  I know it hurts and unfortunately like in the vanilla world there are predators here with their sad stories.  Not all trainers are like this but then again the Dom/Trainer set some rules and /perhaps neither of Y/you followed them.  Does not matter now the deed is done and it is time to let go, read and learn from forums and other bdsm books/sites.  And look at it this way for a newbie you now have a valuable experience in what not to do.  Now learn what to do to protect your body, mind, heart and soul in the future.

diamond

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to Homestead)
Profile   Post #: 106
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 7:59:29 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I'm sorry you had such an experience, defiantbadgirl, but as someone who trains bottoms and submissives in the past (and would again) I have to say that I have happily trained dozens of folks who I never had sexual interactions with nor ended up owning. I helped them explore safely, they learned a lot about themselves, we saw we were not the best match, and they moved on at the end of 14 weeks.

The vast majority of them have continued their BDSM lives, usually as spice or part-time, and some have become very involved in the local communities they now live in. Hearing from them about their lives gives me a sense of pride because almost without exception they tell me that their experiences with me helped them figure out what they wanted and gave them the push they needed to continue.

The trick may be that I never promise more than those 14 weeks and put sex off-limits unless we figure out there is compatibility for a longer relationship. I approach it much like a teacher (big surprise) and frankly in a similar to fashion to when I've mentored tops. I act as a friend and a teacher, not a person looking for sex -- honestly, I wouldn't have to do much to just find that.

But your general warning is correct. We should all be careful about who we play with, scene with, get involved with, and always ask questions so that you are with folks who share your general outlook on life and BDSM. Have in mind a definition for what you are looking for (top, trainer, mentor, dom, owner, quickie, etc) and then only be with those whose definitions match yours.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 107
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 8:04:45 AM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you. I think I'm the only one he did train in bondage, and he takes pride in that. What I really want everyone who has replied to know is that I wasn't expecting something I knew would never happen. When I felt used, I pulled away. When I pulled away, he said he wanted to start dating me, see me more often, and treat me better. Then he said he didn't mean it because he was drunk from 1 beer an hour. When I told him he only cared about me when he was "drunk", he said he was thinking about dating both me and the girl he got involved with after he dumped me. Even if I had known what a bdsm trainer was before (which I didn't), he has said things throughout the last 8 months to keep me attached. Trainers like to say they aren't users because they claim "rules" are set in the beginning against emotional attachment. I'll bet most of them would secretly love for a woman to become attached because they could use that to their advantage. Want to hear something funny? Throughout my "training", he turned into a sub. He claims to be a switch that likes being subbie most of the time.  If he had a submissive bone in his body, he would worship women, not use them. What a joke!!

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 108
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 8:04:51 AM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

Just for the record, if I meet someone who says she has had or is involved with a "trainer" "mentor" or anyone of that ilk.  I quietly back away.  To me, it is a giant neon sign saying DANGER!!!

WHY?

Because they are almost guaranteed to be the ones with boundary issues, emotionally needy, and god knows what else.  Besides, nobody trains my girls as well as I train my girls.  If they want to learn, one read of "The Bottoming Book" and they will know more about D/s and BDSM than many here.

Crappy, agreed.
"Trainer= Horndog looking for some on the side and usually married."

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 109
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 8:14:31 AM   
DivaDuchess


Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline 		Not all married men are unavailable for emotional ties.  My husband an I are in a Poly lovestyle.  Keeping in mind that God created man (and woman) in His image ... Including the capacity (not necessarily the desire) to love more than one person at a time.  I understand that my husband loves another, different yet just as deeply as he does me.  Nothing wrong with that.  Next time you 'find' someone, make sure you treat them as something other than a conquest yourself.  Marriage ... is conquest.  Unless each party understands that freeing the heart to love is not a sin.

May I suggest a site that will help you find a ... husband?  There are two very good free sites that are a bit more vanilla.  Though my husband and I have an add there as well that does pretty good on its own.  In any event ... how about you search yourself and perhaps you'll find what you seek.  Right now, I don't think it's much to do with BDSM as it has to do with you finding a husband that will tie you up and never looks elsewhere for play.  Good luck to you.


_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 110
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 8:27:27 AM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		I just wanted to say one more time that he wasn't married and has never been married. I have always stayed away from married guys. Now I'm staying away from male trainers because married guys and unmarried trainers have the worst thing in common........the desire to use people for their own gain. Trainer (in exercise) was this guy's job title. I'm not normally needy and I turn down most guys that express interest in me. The only reason I let myself become attached was that he was the one guy who wasn't expecting sex on the first or second date. I'm against sex outside of a monogamous relationship. Guys that aren't looking for sex are so hard to find. If it wasn't for that, I would have told him to take a flying leap a long time ago. So I would have to disagree that all women involved with trainers are dangerous.

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 111
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 8:37:53 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

You're right. There is no way to make someone care. The problem is, he keeps confusing me. We have been split up for over a month now. I told him I loved him, which should have scared him off but it hasn't. Just last week he told me he wanted to start seeing me again.......more often this time, take me out on dates, and  treat me right. The next day, he said he wasn't ready for that yet. He told me to disregard everything because he was drunk from  5-6 beers over a 5 hour period (that's only 1 beer an hour). Last night, he told me when he wasn't "drunk" that he was considering dating both me and the other woman, plus the bondage with me of course. Then, there's the whole cam thing. I have repeatedly refused to do cam bondage without any live sessions. Two weeks ago, he saw the view my webcam status on yahoo messenger and was jealous and enraged when I wouldn't let him view. This isn't a case of him telling me no more, never again and me being unable to let go. Knowing my luck, the moment I commit to someone else, he will decide he's "ready" to come back to me. I don't want to end up hurting anyone the way he's hurt me. This is a zoo........and the reason why newbies should stay away from trainers.


He can't confuse you if you don't let him. If he continues to confuse you with his actions you haven't taken back control of the situation and decided whats right for yourself. After you truely do that he could stand on his head naked and spit nickels and it won't mean a damn thing - well maybe only that he'd make a pretty good circus act, but hes doing that anyway with how he treats his traineees.

You can love someone and yet not allow them to manipulate or take advantage of you.  Love can be toxic at times because it can blind us to the truth. We tend to see what we want to be there rather then what IS really there. Do you honestly want a man who get's drunk, calls up a sub to tell her he wants her again, then when he sobers up he calls her back to say "oh sorry i was just drunk, disregard anything i said" How absolutely callous!  Things aren't going to improve with this guy. If you were to stay it would be an emotional roller coaster ride where your self esteem would eventually be the casuality. 

You said, "Knowing my luck, the moment I commit to someone else, he will decide he's "ready" to come back to me" You're waiting for him to come back to you. Don't!!  Even if you have NO ONE and he wants to come back tell him you have moved on.  You need to take control of the situation you are in and stick to your guns. The more you allow him to take advantage of you - the more he will.

i also disagree with your last statement - this isn't the reason newbies should stay away from "trainers", it's why they should stay away from jerks posing as doms.  i am sure there are some honorable "trainers" out there. i personally don't understand the point and would be very suspicious of anyone calling themselves one.  From what i understand a trainer or mentor doesn't actually have any kind of physical relationship/intimacy with their trainee. Nor should they, it's not ethical.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 112
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 8:39:23 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		So, I have this friend. And once, he told me a story about this guy who was going for a walk on a cold cold morning. Along his path, he found a snake, nearly dead from the cold. He was a gentle soul and felt badly for the snake. So, he picked the snake up and put him inside his coat to give him a little warmth. The snake, shivered out the words, "You do realize I'm a snake, don't you?"

The man just nodded and continued on his way. As the snake's tail began to thaw, he again, stuttered out the words, "I don't know why you're doing this. I'm a snake." The man just said "because I care" and continued on his way. A little while later, the snake was nearly thawed, and this time, he spoke clearly, saying "You are a kind and gentle man, and I like you a lot, but I'm a very dangerous animal. I'm a snake. Why are you doing this?" And the man replied, "Because if I didn't, I'd feel badly if anything happened to you. Besides, snakes and men can understand each other if they just try."

A very short while later, the snake, all thawed out now, bit the man, and as the man lay dying, he gasped out "But why? I loved you and you treated me this way!"

The snake replied as he slithered away, "I am a snake. I told you I was a snake. You chose to believe I was something other than what I am. But I am just a snake."

Now I'm not saying your trainer was a snake. But he was who he was. He told you - up front who he was and you chose to believe something other than that - even after you realized what he was. That is not the fault of the trainer, but of the person being trained. And I'm not trying to be cruel to someone who is new. It's just what is. Instead of looking for reasons why he couldnt and wouldn't behave as you thought he should, it's far better to accept that he is a trainer, nothing more, nothing less, and move on. What is - is.

Oh yea.. and my friend? You all know him. He's Aesop.

juliet

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 113
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 8:47:39 AM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		What does being an exercise trainer have to do with him telling me what he was up front and it being my fault for thinking otherwise? I pulled away from him several times because I felt used and he said things to keep me attached.

(in reply to julietsierra)
Profile   Post #: 114
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 8:51:31 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250
Velvetears, after reading that by Homestead again it was despicable!
That was said to hurt, insult and yes , Bully.
I wonder what he thought he'd accomplish by giving a low blow like that? Perhaps he wants to alienate people.
And, he does it to one of the nicest people on the boards too.
Maybe he needs a good smack in the mouth.


Well Popeye he needs in the very least to understand he said a very hurtful thing to someone who definately didn't deserve it.   i'll leave the "smacks" to the doms... i am a mere sub, i don't have thoughts like that hehe .

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 115
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 8:51:43 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		So, how did you go from 12 reps 3 times to tatting in the tweeds?


We here only bits and pieces and all of it is you coming out right....now that is soothing perhaps, but is of no real import.

Ron


_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 116
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 8:59:55 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		And what does being an exercise trainer have to do with being a bdsm trainer? Absolutely nothing!!!! Stop saying he was your "trainer" just because that was his job title. This man has not claimed to be some all knowing "trainer". This man, according to your other posts has been drifting back and forth...one minute your Master, the next your sub. It sounds to me like he is still trying to find his own way in all of this.

If you allowed yourself to keep being swayed by all of the little things he said to keep you attached after leaving him....then you are VOLUNTEERING to continue to be his victim.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 9/4/2006 9:13:53 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 117
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 9:09:36 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		i agree with mostoferin, this guy seems confused. How can someone so unsure of where he stands help train anyone else????  And like she said, if you keep allowing yourself to be swayed - like i mentioned in my last post to you as well - then you are going to continue to be his victim.  i empathize with you - truly i do, and i say empathize because i was in a situation where i didn't want to face the reality of what was happening. In then end all it did was prolong the inevidable.  Don't allow yourself to waste time. 

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 118
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 9:24:32 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Man! Tell me that while this man was oh-so-villainously 'using" you, that you didn't get enjoyment out of it!

If you got enjoyment out of the process, you were a user as well. You used him. He used you. Things didn't work out the way YOU wanted them to. He ended the relationship.

Now, all of a sudden, he's a *think dark clouds of doom* "USER"

How horrible.

juliet

(in reply to defiantbadgirl)
Profile   Post #: 119
RE: what every newbie should know about trainers - 9/4/2006 9:56:28 AM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Of course I enjoyed the sessions julietsierra, but my intentions were good. His weren't. How does that make me a user? If I was a user, I would get involved with someone else knowing that when I did, he would come running back since I was suddenly no longer available. Instead, I am concerned that I will end up hurting an innocent person because of my feelings for him. Users don't care who gets hurt as long as they get what they want. I am not out to hurt anyone. In fact, I am putting the potential men that might get hurt above my own need to move on and find someone else. I suppose that makes me selfish too.

(in reply to julietsierra)
Profile   Post #: 120
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