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RE: Abandonment issues - 9/6/2006 2:05:12 PM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline 		Ah...you are very welcome! *smile

(in reply to stockingluvr54)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/6/2006 9:29:48 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Riot,

Your a fool if you think you can deal with this yourself.  A good counselor, one who you connect with is vital for dealing with this sort of stuff.  I have spent two days a week for a while sitting in a counselors office, it isn't a sign of weakness and in fact is a sign of strength to go to another for help.

quote:

Self fullfilling prophecy.  Aye, but its a hard thing to "not" expect.  And i know it dun have much to do with me.


This is a hard concept to grasp, it has both everything and nothing to do with you.   You can't base your self worth on why they choose to leave but it is you who pull them into your orbit and it can be you who push them away.  You are the center of your world and if it stormy, or calm, it is because of you.

  
quote:

See, i do have many "good" friends.  Very few that i am emotionally involved with.
 

Most of us define "good" friends as ones we ARE emotionally involved with.

quote:

 I jist want to control that emotional response and well, i've yet to figure out how.


You can't and thats the problem, you can only control yourself.  Despite the myths, even great and amazing dominates like myself can't do that...

quote:

That and the negative thinking that starts to bombard me.  I'm trying to figure out how to counter act that. 


This is where a counselor is invaluable.

quote:

 I dunno, maybe i've a hard time when i'm emotionally involved as that i've no control over things.


Bingo, were mom or dad alcoholics or abusers?  This is a CLASSIC sign 

quote:

Oh and no thanks to the counselars!  I do just fine seeking out my own information (like i am) and working it out myself. 


How long you been working on this? 

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/6/2006 10:37:20 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Hiya Mr Crappy

quote:

Your a fool if you think you can deal with this yourself.  A good counselor, one who you connect with is vital for dealing with this sort of stuff.  I have spent two days a week for a while sitting in a counselors office, it isn't a sign of weakness and in fact is a sign of strength to go to another for help.


Count me a fool then?  i've been to counselars.  i generally anaylze them, analyze them anaylzing me.  See unfortunetly, one of my interesting talents is to be able to figure out the right answer.  Which of course, there is never a "right answer"  but i ask me questions and i usually end up sitting there deciding what outcome is best.  Then i get conused cos i'm trying to decide what the "True" answer is and well - its a pain.  I dun mix well with them.  Its more like a butting of heads and i'm not a twit so well.  When i was 10, i was put in school counseling.  Didnt know why other then i was abit overly interested in sexual things.  Yet, i decided at some point to "make" something wrong.  IE my mother and step father getting married.  Topic got brought up, i produced a reaction and i was invariably cured! 

Anyways.. whatever.  i'd rather do it myself.  No one knows me better and i'm not gonna wait a couple of years for some one to else to figure me out - so they can help me unravel crap.  It'll take too long. 

quote:

This is a hard concept to grasp, it has both everything and nothing to do with you.   You can't base your self worth on why they choose to leave but it is you who pull them into your orbit and it can be you who push them away.  You are the center of your world and if it stormy, or calm, it is because of you.


See i dun really take it personally.  Maybe i'll do, i'll have to dive abit deeper.  i prolly take actions abit personal, but whether they leave or go, i think i generally sum it up to them being crappy ppl.  God only knows.  i'll think on it.  Thanks.

quote:

Most of us define "good" friends as ones we ARE emotionally involved with.


ah, well i'm not most - am i?  i define "good" friends as those i can trust, count on, are loyal and wont burn me for their own gain.  People that i know who "they" are and not who they portray and ppl that know the same about me.  People that i know will generally always be there, life non withstanding.  People i can count on - are good friends.  People that are always honest.  People that dun lie.  You neednt be emotionally involved for all that - ) 

quote:

You can't and thats the problem, you can only control yourself.  Despite the myths, even great and amazing dominates like myself can't do that...


Eh?  i cant control my own emotional response? 

quote:

This is where a counselor is invaluable.


i have to disagree.. personally i think its where ppl with life experience is invaluable. 

quote:

Bingo, were mom or dad alcoholics or abusers?  This is a CLASSIC sign


Not really in the sense.  They're all straight edge, so no alcoholics.  My dad had a temper, my stepfather was mean, and my mother was busy all the time and when she wasnt she was helping me understand why my stepfather was a jerk.    They were self involved for the most part.

quote:

How long you been working on this?


Couple of days.  i think it struck me in a convo bout 2 nights ago that it might be where a certian behavior comes from that bugs that crap outta me.   Its a behavoir i've been working on for abit longer.. finding various ways to deal with it - and over come it.    Though my ways work for a time, they arent a long haul plan.  Aye, and i'm wondering if they're actually causing more problems.  So if i can get RID of the emotional response, i wont need to find ways to over come it.  Aye and i just need to change my thinking.  Ya know i'm thinking, that when the moment arrives, if i can some how find my logical brain and almost just repeat what the "truth" of a situation is - it might work.  Unfortunetly, generally when the moment arrives my truth becomes distorted.  Which means, i need to hold onto reality outside of my emotional state - long enough to start convincing myself other then what i feel. 

Its a complex that i may or may not figure out.  It doesnt rule my life.  Yet something that is floating around, that i dun quite like. 

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/6/2006 10:52:39 PM   
wantitnow569


Posts: 75
Joined: 4/22/2006
Status: offline 		RiotGirl,
i have to firmly and adamantly agree with Crappy here.... And frankly, it's been my experience that when i stopped trying to play games (such as figuring out the "right answers") and just spoke honestly and truthfully from the heart, i advanced much quicker through therapy...
...in addition You do know the old saying don't ya, "He who has himself for a client? Has a fool for a therapist?" Words to heed, i'm not judging..i'd just hate to see You end up all alone because of this self destructive behavior.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/6/2006 10:56:08 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		There are layers and layers in you. I have given you advise before, only to learn later that your issues went far deeper than I suspected. I wonder whether it is wise to advise you again.
 
You chose to not connect to people. I do not connect to people due to an act of Providence - or if you like God - when I was nine. I suffered mightily because of that and I benefitted MIGHTILY because of that act of Providence.
The difference is that this was meant for me, was my intended purpose, since before I was conceived. However, this emotional detachment was not divinely preordained for you - whether a mere human or a slave girl. It is your nature to feel. You are not mr. Spock.
 
The root of the problem appears to be your father walking out when you were four, as you indicated. Possibly, as a result of erecting your walls at that early age, you did not deal with this loss in the natural and prescribed way. Nor did you do so later when confronted by new losses: you possibly never learned how. Instead you raised your walls higher and thickened them.
 
The natural and prescribed way to resolve the stress caused by loss is to mourn that loss and to cherish (the memory of) that what one has lost.
Thus, slowly examine your past and every time when you discover something in your past that you have lost - starting with your father when you were four - mourn and cherish that loss. At most one a day or week. Do not take on more than you can handle. (Crying is allowed, as it is part of the mourning process.)
 
Many people find that what they have mourned and cherished after having lost it, is not truly lost, but still present and cherished in their heart.
 
In earlier posts the - correct - diagnosis of a self-fulfilling profecy was made. This was - also correctly - explained as a causal effect in physical reality.
However, spiritually - which is even more forceful - the self-fulfilling profecy is also effected, but as an acausal effect. So in both frames of reference - physical and spiritually - it is imperative that one replaces lack of faith not to be abandoned by faith that you will engage in long term relationships.
 
We each walk through life and sometimes our paths will join and sometimes they will separate again, as is as it must be if each is to reach his chosen destination.
 
Because of your isolation, your walls, each emotional connection is extremely precious and its loss, therefore, is commensurate. In effect, thus, because of your isolation, your walls, you only have a few treasures: you are poor and losing one of your few treasures hurts very much. Other people hurt also when they lose one of their treasures, but not as much, for they have many treasures and can afford to lose one - and know that they can replenish and more than replenish the loss. So you may consider wishing for those many treasures, these riches: emotionally connecting with many other people - and the universe will provide you with such opportunities if your wish is true; accept and grasp them. Their large numbers are your safety net.
 
You may also consider to love people unconditionally. Do not expect anything in return; that way you will never be disappointed. Know, though, that what is given away, has a tendency to return to the giver - and sometimes with compound interest.
 
Best wishes,
Rule.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/6/2006 11:32:34 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		Riot,

You've gotten some great advice and insights here, i hope you take them to heart because the genuine concern and compassion for your predicament could truly be felt in their words.  No one enjoys loss or even the idea of loss. But the longer we live the more inevitable it is that loss will become a part of our life - this is part of the human experience, no one escapes it. 

You seem pretty adament about not wanting counseling, which by the way, i agree in thinking it would be a wise choice for you to make.  If you won't go to therapy then might i suggest going to the library and start reading self help books - there are so many well written ones and you might gain insights from them that are valuable. It's worth a try. 

Abandonment hurts everyone, but i think it only really devastates those who don't have a strong sense of self worth.  Instead of seeing their own intrinsic value, they see themselves as only valuable when others embrace them. When others let them go, their sense of self worth crumbles.  It's a false way of looking at things.  If you rely on others to feel good about yourelf and when they leave you feel bad about yourself, then why ever risk letting anyone get close? No one would want to give that much power to another, so just keep everyone away and stay with the status quo.  You can get through life like that, but it would be like visiting the ocean everyday and never jumping in because you were afraid the waves were going to wash you away.  A very sad way to exist and i would think that while one may function ok there would be a deep void that would be felt, keeping real joy as something of a fairytale.  Joy is real, you just have to be willing to accept it.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/7/2006 3:21:14 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Count me in the abandonment issue club. However, I don't get hit with those feelings much anymore, but I sure do remember the pain. I kept my walls up until one very smart, hard and ultimately, right for me man came along.

I was forced to deal with my abandonment issues - not because he was some therapist and this was all therapy for me. It happened simply because he cared enough to keep telling me he cared while still doing what needed to be done (coincidentally, he was also doing what he wanted - not bowing to my issues.)

How'd he do it? By abandoning me - again and again and again - and always timing his return to be JUST before I'd lost all hope. For some reason, this worked for me. Now when he has things to do and I can't be there, or he can't be here, I find something else to do. I don't panic. I don't dissolve into tears. I don't immediately think he's leaving or disliking me or any one of the myriad of other thoughts I used to have when things like this would happen.

He did for me, almost the same thing I used to do with my family members when teaching them that a trip to the store was not forever, and that I'd always return. Only for them, at that age, they were called "separation issues," and it was expected that they would outgrow them.

I've learned that when people walk away from me - and they have; or I walk away from people because the relationship is unhealthy for me - and I have, it is going to hurt. I've also learned that the hurt is NORMAL and not an indication of deeper issues other than I'm missing that person that I used to have so much contact with. And the pain of missing someone eventually heals itself over time - even if the time is a LONG time.

So, he taught me how to deal by doing exactly the thing I was afraid of. I participated by talking, not begging for change, by keeping an open mind, and really, by revelling in the pain of it all while examining WHY I was feeling that way. Even after, I'd take a look at my thinking and try to figure out - once it wasn't hurting - just what was happening that made me so afraid.

I never could find anything. Gradually, I found myself lasting longer and longer periods of time before descending into that spiral. These days,  the spiral hits me most often only 1 week a month, and I can rationalize that to be something entirely different.

I'm not recommending anything for anyone... just telling you how it ended up working for me. And I'm weird...so take it for what you will.

juliet

(in reply to stockingluvr54)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/7/2006 4:15:57 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Count me a fool then?  I've been to counselors.  i generally analyze them, analyze them analyzing me.  See unfortunately, one of my interesting talents is to be able to figure out the right answer.  Which of course, there is never a "right answer"  but i ask me questions and i usually end up sitting there deciding what outcome is best.  Then i get conused cos i'm trying to decide what the "True" answer is and well - its a pain.  I dun mix well with them.  Its more like a butting of heads and i'm not a twit so well.  When i was 10, i was put in school counseling.  Didnt know why other then i was abit overly interested in sexual things.  Yet, i decided at some point to "make" something wrong.  IE my mother and step father getting married.  Topic got brought up, i produced a reaction and i was invariably cured! 

Anyways.. whatever.  i'd rather do it myself.  No one knows me better and i'm not gonna wait a couple of years for some one to else to figure me out - so they can help me unravel crap.  It'll take too long. 

Hi Riot Girl,
Please re-read what you wrote here. Maybe the reason counseling does not help you because by your own words here not only do you shut them out, but you evade the real issues all together. You have to get past thinking they are seeking a correct answer and just answer from your heart. They need you to express the real situations you feel hurt you, not some pretend stuff you feed them out of your fear of opening up. If you don't let down the wall in the counseling session they will never be able to help you clean house as they have been barred on the other side and can't get in the door if you don't open up let them in. Fabricating issues is just a waste of your time and theirs. You have to approach counseling with a transparent approach. The more you add blurry things the less any clear answer will come out of it. You're not going to counseling to evaluate their reactions to you, you are there to face yourself.
Suzanne


(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/7/2006 4:17:01 AM   
mystiknitelite


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/29/2005
Status: offline 		Riotgirl,

I know you had posted about this, but had not been able to read it last night because we were talking about so many other things. I believe, that many pieces of good advice has been given here... I listened to you, when your friend broke your heart. I saw each stage of emotion shift and move one after another in you when what happened, happened. [everyone, it really is a complicated issue].

I really hear you when you are with your Daddy, and i really hear you when He leaves from the visit.... I HEAR YOU.  And even though our friendship is still just really blossoming - you have to admit that when we gals talk about what we talk about almost every dang day? lol..... yeah, things are good - I think this really is truly connected with your 'chip on your shoulder' that you keep asking me about -

We all have issues in life.... i've told you some of mine - and considering what you know about me, would you say i've got abondanment issues? SURE AS HECK I DO! have i ever told you about my own father that left when i was 12? did i even tell you that the dick came back into my life when i was 16? and that he deserted me YET AGAIN?.... its all about finding a way of dealing with the loss, how to process, and refine the emotions that can definately cloud one's judgement.  Its about learning and loving each person who walks into your heart, and allowing them to leave if they need to, and understand that you can only control yourself.... nothing else in life.

I have to admit, that as i read these posts that were given to you, i do agree with 'some' of what CrappyDom has posted - but what i really connected with was 'Rule's' post.... You need to think about the GOOD times and memories when you lose someone - and than they will still be in your heart....

now, you know i'm here - even though i'm about an hour away when i don't know where i'm going and i get lost... *grumbles about that part, lol* and you know i've got your back! so don't forget - i might be short, but i'm still taller than you!!!!!

Loves ya sista! *hugs*

(in reply to julietsierra)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/7/2006 7:02:37 AM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline 		RiotGirl,
 
Not all counselors are of the same fabric.  Your thinking is arrogant in that area to make such a blanket statement that all counselors are the same.  You can analyse all you want to, but if you don't truly know what it is you THINK your analysing, it is all for naught.  That "know it all" mentality will narrow your mind, and keep it that way.
 
You can post on these forums about all your problems and issues...and solicit all sorts of advice, then at the end of the thread, are you any closer to a solution?  i wonder....?
 
So what is it that you truly seek to find, when you make these posts...  Do you actually apply any of the advice you receive to your real life situations?  If you do, then please keep us posted as to your progress.  Best wishes...

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/7/2006 7:47:05 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline
quote:


Hi Riot Girl,
Please re-read what you wrote here. Maybe the reason counseling does not help you because by your own words here not only do you shut them out, but you evade the real issues all together. You have to get past thinking they are seeking a correct answer and just answer from your heart. They need you to express the real situations you feel hurt you, not some pretend stuff you feed them out of your fear of opening up. If you don't let down the wall in the counseling session they will never be able to help you clean house as they have been barred on the other side and can't get in the door if you don't open up let them in. Fabricating issues is just a waste of your time and theirs. You have to approach counseling with a transparent approach. The more you add blurry things the less any clear answer will come out of it. You're not going to counseling to evaluate their reactions to you, you are there to face yourself.
Suzanne


I have to agree with this. What you are doing is attempting to prove you are smarter than the counselor and don't need them to help you. This is just another manifestation of your inability to let people in. I am sure your counselors knew what you were doing, but also realized it would take time for you to trust enough to let down your barriers and accept the help you needed. Your reaction is very much that of someone who is put into counseling and has the attitude that other people think you are broken and need fixing. Especially when young, you may look around and wonder why everyone thinks you are the problem and defiantly want to prove them wrong. However, as an adult, you have nothing to prove to anyone except yourself.

It may also have been that in your family you could not truly heal without upsetting the order in your family. Perhaps intrinsically you knew this and sabotaged efforts. When a person becomes emotionally healthy and self aware in a dysfunctional family they are usually no longer willing to play their part in the dysfunction. Families faced with this scenario can react in a couple of ways. They can evict the person who no longer plays along, or to get help and get healthy themselves and rebuild the family in a better way, or sometimes disintigrate into emotional breakdown. All three create emotional stress and many people are reluctant to be the cause of that kind of grief and stress in their families especially when they are young and cannot escape into their own independent lives

Yes, it takes time, but there is no alternative. There is no magic bean you can plant to unlearn behavior built over a lifetime.

(in reply to onestandingstill)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/7/2006 9:39:45 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		You're afraid of letting people get close to you for fear they will abandon you. So you let this friend get close to you and then you attacked her so she would abandon you which would mean you didn't have anymore vulnerability.

Deep issues. Therapy, journalling, self help groups such as ACOA. 

(in reply to stockingluvr54)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/7/2006 9:46:30 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I want to thank Riotgirl and those who have posted deep and heartfelt responses.  It is this sort of deep exploration and the revealing of ourselves that keeps me here and it is in far too short a supply.

I get a bit tired of the chest thumping threads...

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/7/2006 11:52:15 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Hello Hello!

Thank you Crappy Dom for sort of understanding my mission.  It is a deep exploration.  I've been on the path of self discovery since i was 16.  Interesting path it is.  All they why's and wherefores - chain reactions, ect.  I want to better myself.  Plain and simple.  Maybe it was one of the reasons that attracted me to BDSM as i've always thought that BDSM was a spirtual journey into onesself.  Granted i understand that the mind is a dangerous place to walk, a complete mind field and a complex maze - so not too many want to step outside their owns.  Much less understand the depths mine runs into.  Which is why i dun share it with those around me!  LOL  Well a trusted few.

Counselars.  I am probably abit arrogant.  I was raised being told i am intelligent.  I've been in and out of counselars since i was 10.  It was all abit retarded.  Randomly of course, through the years.  Course i was moved around alot so nothing stuck.  Tho i'm prolly just honestly pissed off at the fact that they never fixed a damn thing.  Plus they like to label like retards.  At 17, i think i was labeled that i would never amount to anything, never be able to hold a job, ect ect ect.  At 13 or 14 i was labeled "angry or hurt or both" (tho i was in a quite a good mood) and at 15 i stopped caring.  BUT at 16 i was labeled "unhelpable" and to send me back to the states, which of course didnt happen.  At 18 i was labeled "fine and dandy" and then i went and put myself in ICU (pissed my mom off to no end)  Which of course ended me up with ANOTHER counselar - but i wasnt having it and well they thought they could hold me hostage.. but i'm smarter then them LOL  (well alteast he security gaurd) 

At 20 i was labled bi polar and an addict by some lady who had her head up her butt.  they gave me meds, ran out, i went through this really interesting with drawl.... and then i ditched them.  Lets see.. like 2 years ago.. i went to a shrink for bi polar meds.. and i about lost my mind then i about creamed him cos he was a know it all who wouldnt listen that the meds were screwing me up.  Gee and this LAST time that i tried - they though if "something didnt happen soon" for me, i was going to flip.  Flip or go nuts whatever.  I wanted to look at them and be like "ha haaaaa - yet i've made it this far!"  aye, i was deemed critical.  They tried to convince me to go inpatient but i kept mentioning i had to PICK some one up from school! 

Funny........  everyone single one of them was wrong.  None of em did me a damn bit of good but waste my time. 

Yes Yes, yer all very welcome for my niling out the idea of counselars.  Der RE TAR DO.  LOLOLOL

My friend - No i didnt just randomly attack her.  i waited 2 weeks for her disappearing ass and then found out from some one else what was going on.  She walked, with out the balls to say good bye and on TOP of that she walked because some one TOLD her too.  She didnt have the balls to stand up and back up her words to me.  Whatever, i made up with her.  I cant stand to see ppl cry.  I even apologised, tho she didnt feel it was needed.  As i was right. 

As for Me - i'm actually fine = )  I've issues, who doesnt?  Just not many have the courage to stand up and say "yeah i'm screwed in the head"  LOL  Everyone HERE has issues.  Sheesh.  Instead of HIDE my issues, i prefer to face them in whatever way i can.  As ones issues, tend to create problems.  Problems are not fun.  I'm honestly quite happy with myself, those in my immediate surroundings seem to be happy with me and all that.  And i've no problem admitting when i've been problematic.  Prolly comes from the teenage years when i was a hellion.  No denying it! 

At the end :  What do i do with all the info?  Think it over, mull it over, look for merit, things that ring true.  Apply it where it seems needed.  Heck today in class i was studing the girls and looking for acceptable role models.  = )  I apply it as i see fit, of course!  As for the progress.  Well i progress at different rates at different things and it feels abit odd to talk about it.  I've progressed ALOT in the past 2 years.  Heck, i've learned alot.    Seems abit personal going into all that!

mmmmm Progress.  Well okay, for example.  Today, the heel on my shoe broke and i managed to act like a girl and get two guys to help.  i was actually EVEN able to admit that i didnt have the strength to break the other heel off.  I asked for help, like a girl!  LOL  (silly i know)  and then, i didnt blast one the song "Proposition Fuck You" by methods of mayhem cos i'm surrounded by others blasting rap music.  I actually played a girly song!  LOL  Which generally, i'm abit embarressed to like the songs i like.  They're soooooooooo girly! 



< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 9/7/2006 11:53:05 AM >

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/7/2006 12:05:04 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		My Nitelite! LOL  Aye..... no ketchup today, sos i'm safe! 

Hmmmm so you think its connected with the chip on the shoulder/attitude thing.  Not suprising that both pop up into mind at the same time, eh?  You could be right.   So it seems you've dealt with all of this stuff before?  hmmmm  And you didnt share?  ::looks aghast:: 

"its all about finding ways of dealing with loss"  Maybe you can clue me in later cos well i'm stumped on that one!  LOL 

Dur and yer NOT taller then me!  I wear HEELS biatch.  4 inch heels means i am 5'4 and TALLER then you.  Course i was wearing those 5 or 6 inchers all weekend so that means i'm alot taller.  Ahem... nanner?  Dun argue with me, i'm very good at my straw machine guns! 

muahs!  xoxoxoxo's  And you know i think you rock - cos if i didnt i woulda never asked what you thought!


(in reply to mystiknitelite)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/7/2006 12:17:05 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		RiotGirl, I have the same issues myself but no haven't beaten it beyond the fact that I've been married for 16 years and figure he's not going anywhere now and I've had Fox for almost 7 years and believe he'll stay with me as long as he can.

But I'm in graduate school, I know I'll be moving on and that in some way will be abandoning the friends and colleagues I've made in this town at some point. It is one of the things I dislike about academia before you're tenured.

To be honest, I sort of hold part of myself off from others to protect myself and try to tell myself to be realistic.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/7/2006 12:29:24 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Thanks Tammy jo

Ya know i'm starting to think its all just anxiety.  Covering up anxiety.  hmmmmmmmmm

how fascinating.  Simple issue - complex reations.

hmmmm

who here thinks i'm right?  The basis is all just anxiety?



(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/7/2006 12:31:26 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Therapist can be helpful to some, necessary to others, and not needed at all for still others. It depends on whether a person has ample functional friends and family to talk to, and the ability to look within and analyze themselves. Of course we are not "objective" about our baggage.. but therapists are not always "objective" either. A bad therapist is worse than none at all, and can do much damage. Someone with real issues that has done transference with the wrong person can have really bad outcomes.

I tried therapy and it did not work for me. I am better without it, and I realize that I had to do the work myself and there was no one that can do that for me, so I was better off getting busy and doing that work. Only you can decide if therapy is helpful to you. The only exception  I would make to that is someone that is a danger to themselves or others, and you do not seem to be...smiles

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/7/2006 1:13:05 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
The only exception  I would make to that is someone that is a danger to themselves or others, and you do not seem to be...smiles

You should really go read her past threads.  Although she's blanked a lot of the earlier, more revealing ones.

This was from her thread "what do you do to ease the pain?" back in June, 2005:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_116168/mpage_1/key_blood/tm.htm#116174

Em alot of things. For one, when i things arent going well, i stop talking to my friends. Wont call them, wont answer the phone. After about 5 years, LOL they tend to get the message and leave well enough alone until i make first contact

when i'm confused about things.. i talk to people.

i can shut down completely and hole myself up.

One of my "old" favorites was to go get completely smashed at a bar.

i write.

Unfortunetly when i get "hurt" i get pretty angry.. so i become a total witch.

Or i read.. constantly like a 500 book in two days. Watch movies. Listen to music.

take off for a walk out into the night to see what "adventure" might pop up.

And then there is those bad habits that Master has taught me not to do....

like drawing blood on myself.. becoming destructive

And there is the option Master has been trying to teach me 

Just going to him and telling him

Then there's the "I need help" thread back in December of 2006:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_212349/mpage_1/key_hole/tm.htm#212349

What are the problems? He disregards my safety. He lies to me, he sneaks around behind my back, he cheats(cheating as, he sleeps with some one and lies to me about it) on me, he doesnt work, he does absolultely nothing at all, he does not and can not pay his bills, he is harsh with my unmentionable (tho i think i have worked that out), he sleeps all day, he's on the computer all night. He uses others. Um, sexual interaction is at a nil with him, D/s goes stand still sometimes, he doesnt shower often. He has no motivation, no initiative. He's at war with MY family. He's at war with my daughter. The other day he threatened to smack me if i didnt drop my attitude and my unmetionable just to spite me, threw gritted teeth non the less and completely because he was pissed off.

Yes we live together. ON TOP of that, when i tried to leave him once, i went through such a phsyical turmiol i couldnt even stand up. i had to curl up in ball, because my legs wouldnt hold me. When i get so mad i'd like to chop his head off and i to the point hate him, i am literally sick to my stomach. i love him and i cant honestly imagine my life with out him. Yeah its rough times, but weather out the storm right? this is all recent.

And there are numerous others which points to decades of trauma, self-abuse, instability and issues.  Riot has admitted herself and been happy about going into counseling and back on stabilizing drugs a few times now- and always ends up at the same destructive place decrying counseling and how she's just too good for it.  Her postings are actually very predictable based on which part of her bipolar cycle she is on at any particular time.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Abandonment issues - 9/7/2006 2:41:23 PM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline
quote:


And there are numerous others which points to decades of trauma, self-abuse, instability and issues.  Riot has admitted herself and been happy about going into counseling and back on stabilizing drugs a few times now- and always ends up at the same destructive place decrying counseling and how she's just too good for it.  Her postings are actually very predictable based on which part of her bipolar cycle she is on at any particular time.


Yup- once she said she'd been diagnosed as bi-polar it all made sense.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 40
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