She's far away...any suggestions? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master



Message

Talldrkgentleman -> She's far away...any suggestions? (9/6/2006 8:49:14 AM)

Good day Gentleman (and ladies),

I have a dilemma and am wondering if there might be insight amongst the clan.

Distance does not always make the heart grow fonder, especially when for months I must be apart from a sub who has great needs, and fears of separation. She needs an incredible amount of attention and reassurance, and now that she has fallen in love for the first time (with lucky me!), a separation (due to business) that is to last at least 2-4 months is beginning to fray her spirit. She flip-flops like a pancake; one day all love and kisses, the next all doom and gloom.

I have had distance relationships before in my vanilla relationships, yet never have I known it to be so difficult as with a sub-girl. Are they just down-right needier than most? Yes, I guess that’s the trade-off and the wonder of such a thing.

Anyway, without my touch, my discipline, and my guidance she is unraveling before my ears (over the phone that is). Any suggestions?

It seems foolish to try and discipline her from afar. Perhaps tasks to keep her mind from wandering (a wandering mind is her wonder and her angst). Her incredible imagination though beautiful and fantastic can often turn against her, and bring her to the depths of despair…

Until I can bring her to my side, it ain’t easy or pretty...


Any thoughts?



Tikkiee -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/6/2006 8:56:46 AM)

quote:

Are they just down-right needier than most?

No. In my opinion, submissives and slaves are NOT needier than most. Everyone (vanilla also ) has needs, everyone feels the anxiety of seperation at some time in their life.
However, how a person deals with these fears is what will make or break a relationship. Take the time to sit with her and go over the fears she has about seperation. Assure her that although you are apart physically, emotionally and mentally, you are always side by side. Do you best to keep the lines of communication open.



slve2MastersWill -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/6/2006 9:13:13 AM)

Dear Talldrkgentleman,

i know all to well what she is going through. Seperation anxiety is not an easy thing to deal with. Coping with thoughts what if he finds someone better then me? Will he be faithful? are just two of the things that can pop into mind. It takes time and reassurance that she will not loose you no matter where in the world you are! i still deal with the issue at some point for i am not very confident in myself, but i am working on that and my Master is of great help. I agree that the line of comunication has to remain open now more than ever. I am curious what is your definition for needy... Me and Master are having a discussion about Need, Wants and Desires.. and there is a very fine line between eed and demanding... just curious



MasterFireMaam -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/6/2006 9:16:53 AM)

In all honesty, all you can do is be reaffirming, consistantly, and be sure to not use abandondment as punishment or a mind fuck. Everything else is her stuff and she has to work through it. You can't do that for her, as painful as that is. Encourage her to explore WHY she feels this way and to become self aware.

And no, submissives aren't needier than most. I have abandondment issues, too, and I'm a Master. I NEED daily contact, especially since my Ms relationships are currently all LDRs for at least another year. But, I'm aware that I have this issue and I'm aware of why and I'm aware of what I need in order to deal with it. The last is communicated to those interested as part of my manual. In fact, abandondment is listed as a deal-breaker.

Master Fire



MstrssPassion -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/6/2006 9:24:22 AM)

First, were you already aware that your job would cause you to be away from home at times prior to you involvement with her?

If you did know this, at what point did you make it known to this woman that your job involves travel & extended stays away from home? I would assume this is subjects covered very early in the getting to know you phase.

If she was fully aware of all of this going into the relationship & then suddenly developed a negative reaction to your extended travels then she is acting out in a negative manner in order to get a reaction out of you. This would be a time for behavior modification.

If she revealed to you at the time she found out you traveled that she did have issues with separation & you pursued the relationship anyway... well, you both created the problem. Could be kind of like being a cat breeder running a family business & then marrying someone with severe allergies to cats. You can't punish a girl for this.

I'll check back to read your reply as to my questions. The answer really depends on these being addressed.






CrappyDom -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/6/2006 9:35:41 AM)

I am going to catch hell for this, but yes many submissives are very needy emotionally.  They crave attention like a drug, even when it is ostensibly taken away like being put in a cage or uses as an object, that object is usually a footstool for a master's feet and rarely a clothes hanger hiden in the back of the closet.

So, what can you do about it.

The doubts swirling in her head come from her own insecurities, so you need to work on them rather than try and deal with them through logic.  You can point out how much you care, how much you do, etc till you are blue in the face, it is all falling into an emotional black hole.  What I do ( and I am sure others do it better) is to make them reinforce their own worth, our connection, and my desire in their own heads. I force them (and at the beginning it is often a surprisingly difficult strugle) to say self affirming things.  I ask things like:
  • Who is Daddy's good girl?
  • Who is a good girl?
  • Who make's Daddy's cock hard?
  • Who get's all of Daddy's attention?
  • Who does Daddy love?

You get the idea.  It doesn't work overnight but it does work and as long as your actions match your worlds you can see changes.

As for her unraveling, she isn't.  Just like a child getting attention through being bad, she is acting out and you are playing into it.  Tell her "Daddy loves you but you are being a bad girl, daddy wants to talk to you when you are acting like a good girl.  Then end the call, try not to hang up (the abandonment thing) but you may have to a few times.  They are smarter than children and if you hold the line, they will quickly learn they get daddy's attention only when they are being good.

I also read my little girls to sleep when we are apart, if your voice is the last thing they hear as they fall asleep, the next day will go easier for you.  Not easy if the time zones are wide, but you can make it work.

Also, try and avoid punishment, you want to feed her attention addiciton by making her choose to be good.  Punishment works for things like "don't run into the street" but not for other things.

Another thing is have her read something that has good behavior in it.  There are a number of books like "The Bottoming Book" or "Mistress Abernathy's Slave Training Manual" that keep her mind in the right place.  Or taks her to work on something that you can do togther when you get back, perhaps lay out potential vacations, hobbies, weekend getaways, etc.  Keep her mind focused on some activity that is related to the two of you being together to reinforce the fact that that is where you intend to be with her.

As for the whole abandonment issue, read Riotgirls thread, it is a good one.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/6/2006 9:39:21 AM)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_555442/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#555476
How do you cope?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_399208/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#399230
Long distance relationships...how do you all make them work and overcome the obstacles that arise?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_358232/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#358330
When the Master is away

http://www.collarchat.com/m_243191/mpage_2/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#243396
Online or Distance relationships

http://www.collarchat.com/m_5502/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#207957
Long Distance Relationships

http://www.collarchat.com/m_214831/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#214831
Long distance d/s

http://www.collarchat.com/m_210165/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#210165
Pleasing my master long distance

http://www.collarchat.com/m_131170/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#131170
In Between Visits

http://www.collarchat.com/m_124826/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#124826
LDR and sickness or death

http://www.collarchat.com/m_89834/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#89834
Long distance punishment ideas

http://www.collarchat.com/m_22973/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#22973
Long Distance Relationship (2)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_5502/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#5502
Long Distance Relationships (2)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3521/mpage_1/key_long%252Cdistance/tm.htm#3521
Long Distance

http://www.collarchat.com/m_272610/mpage_1/key_LDR/tm.htm#272610
LDR D/s ideas

http://www.collarchat.com/m_108560/mpage_1/key_LDR/tm.htm#108560
Long Distance Relationships????



slve2MastersWill -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/6/2006 9:41:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

I am going to catch hell for this, but yes many submissives are very needy emotionally. .


No not hell, but an opinion... lol

I agree, that some are! You laid out some very good points that even made me think for a moment [:)]



kitty2MLoneWolf -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/6/2006 9:42:52 AM)

I personally think that Crappy has some great ideas and advice <big surprise I know..its that crush thing I got going on> but I do have a question for you...

You say she fell in love with you.. GREAT.. but is this REALLY how you wish to spend the rest of your life? Helping someone get through issues that she really needs to learn to deal with for herself? I would think this would become exhausting over time..but then again, I am going with the assumption that you work may have you doing more than just this one assignment elsewhere.

Just my two cents worth.



MsKatHouston -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/6/2006 9:42:59 AM)

rules, structure, praise, encouragement, consistency and communication

Some ideas:
-have her keep a journal
-assign her tasks - take control of some of the daily tasks such as telling her what clothes to wear one day or have her do a specific item in a set amount of time.  Let her feel your control even if you are not physically there.  Does she wear a collar?  If not have her wear one at night.  Dictate bed times.  Change it up...
-reward her with a trip to a spa or something like that
-make her buy an outfit with only you in mind
-Send her "thinking of you" emails occasionally
-do some long distance play, invest in a web cam, send pictures, hone your cyber skills
-will you be able to bring her to you or you go home any time during the stay?
-have her research and write specific topics such as "What I can do to build self esteem", "101 reasons I'm a great submissive" "102 reasons my Master is a great Dominant", "When Master is Away the sub will..." 



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/6/2006 9:54:46 AM)

My best way to handle distance:

1)  Keep Busy, you shoul be encouraging her to go out and explore, find friends, get offline, get off the phone, indulge her hobbies. 
2)  Make plans together for how you will be NON long distance, when it will happen, what you will expect, etc.  And then of course, follow through.



Tamerofwild1s -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/6/2006 9:54:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Talldrkgentleman

Good day Gentleman (and ladies),

I have a dilemma and am wondering if there might be insight amongst the clan.

Distance does not always make the heart grow fonder, especially when for months I must be apart from a sub who has great needs, and fears of separation. She needs an incredible amount of attention and reassurance, and now that she has fallen in love for the first time (with lucky me!), a separation (due to business) that is to last at least 2-4 months is beginning to fray her spirit. She flip-flops like a pancake; one day all love and kisses, the next all doom and gloom.

I have had distance relationships before in my vanilla relationships, yet never have I known it to be so difficult as with a sub-girl. Are they just down-right needier than most? Yes, I guess that’s the trade-off and the wonder of such a thing.

Anyway, without my touch, my discipline, and my guidance she is unraveling before my ears (over the phone that is). Any suggestions?

It seems foolish to try and discipline her from afar. Perhaps tasks to keep her mind from wandering (a wandering mind is her wonder and her angst). Her incredible imagination though beautiful and fantastic can often turn against her, and bring her to the depths of despair…

Until I can bring her to my side, it ain’t easy or pretty...


Any thoughts?


being someone who has dealt with LDR's .. I can tell you it sounds like your girl is going thru what some call sub drop ... a period of time when their at an emotional unrest about a relationship .. this I find usually with girls who have not had much experience with D/s relationships ... they are at a vulnerable state and get kinda clingy .. they just need a reassurance from you on a day to day basis that their position in your life is secure .....ifyou truely value this relationship then take thetime to assure her your not going looking for anyone other then her



liljoy -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/6/2006 2:02:47 PM)

i acctually agree with this, kinda. i do need some kind of contact on a daily basis. There are days when He is unable to make contact. He is  very good about letting me know in advance when He is able so that i don't get worried. On the days that He can't make contact i send emails to Him. Sometimes i send emails even if i know we will be talking later that day. If i have thoughts or feelings that i want to share with Him i write. If something good or bad happened that day to me i write i don't write to complain about the time we can't spend together because i know that He would if He could. i write because i miss Him or because i have something to share that i don't want to forget when we are spending time together.
lil_joy

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

I am going to catch hell for this, but yes many submissives are very needy emotionally.  They crave attention like a drug, even when it is ostensibly taken away like being put in a cage or uses as an object, that object is usually a footstool for a master's feet and rarely a clothes hanger hiden in the back of the closet.




Talldrkgentleman -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/6/2006 10:33:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slve2MastersWill

Dear Talldrkgentleman,

... Me and Master are having a discussion about Need, Wants and Desires.. and there is a very fine line between eed and demanding... just curious


If your Master is experienced, i would be very interested to hear about this discussion and how things turn out.



Talldrkgentleman -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/7/2006 12:52:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slve2MastersWill

I am curious what is your definition for needy... Me and Master are having a discussion about Need, Wants and Desires.. and there is a very fine line between eed and demanding... just curious


Thank you for your reply. In answer to your question about "needy," it seems my sub girl (my first btw) needs far more attention and understanding then any relationship I've ever encountered (I have had a reasonable amount of vanilla relationships). We are both new to this lifestyle, and though it is my belief that two people discovering these wonders together might possibly be the best of all worlds, the problems inherent in a D/s relationship are great indeed in comparison to "normal" relationships; mostly because they are new to me and her.

We have certainly made many, many mistakes (Lord knows I have!). What was most difficult for me was her incredible and almost insatiable pursuit of the "perfect love." This love was beyond the realm of reality. It was a love of no suffering and longing. I do not believe in such a love and have had far more experience in committed relationships in the past. I know when the going gets tough, that only THRU problems lies the answer. She merely wished to kick over the table and give up.

It has been a long process in guiding her toward a mature and adult love, yet one that is still intimate beyond most people's imaginations (we are intimacy junkies).

What I meant by "needy" is probably the problems caused by her continual and ever present flip-flopping in her mind about so many, many things. She has been blessed with an incomparable imagination that is a double-edge sword. Though like the charioteer I ride her imagination to heights I never dreamed, this same wonder can be the cause of great distress and even despair. You spoke of her needing to know I will be there for her and am not interested in another while on the road. Her imagination compounds such troubles to make her seem almost irrational at times if not down right insane.

She's no loony; she just needs her imagination and her life to be controlled (a most difficult concept to understand for a new guy). I guess a person who needs such control I feel to be needy beyond the norms of society as we know it. She has been taught to stand on her own two feet and helping her understand that perhaps she merely needs to stand upon another for such support has been a long and arduous road for her. She continues to wish she did not "need" so much, and could stand by herself. She has wished it for many years and not being able to do so has often put her into a spiral.

I was the first to come along and say that maybe she was just different. That her "wish" to be controlled may be a need rather than the insane pipe dream others believe. Perhaps being controlled is why I refer to it as "needy". I guess needy to me is more the problems that arise when she confuses her wants and her needs, or when she fights that I believe her to be (and that she greatly suspects in herself; for i have listened long and hard to her and truly believe I know what is best for her.)

that make any sense?

thanks for your thoughts



Mavis -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/7/2006 1:11:03 AM)

Military spouses do a lot of separation, and we see a lot of those that can handle it and those that thrive on the attention they get from crying about being alone.  i've done one 1 year separation, and three 6 month seps, and countless 45-90 day exercises over O/our 20 year stint. These things help, they can all be "civilianised" for her use.  You'll notice none of these things is about YOU doing for her.  Whether You have a client to tend, or a battle to fight, she has to be doing for herself!

  1. The support group that gets and keeps them in contact with others also missing partners.  It feels kind of silly complaining about your lot when there are others in the same boat.
  2. Staying away from civilians that pander to it.. "Ohh, you poor baby, I could never live like that!"  is usually the first step to "Let's take you out and find a normal relationship."   Often these civvie friends are the ones that plant doubt about partners fidelity also.    Does she have friends who have partners that travel?  They might be better company right now than social events where she feels she is the only one without her partner by her side.
  3. Being reminded that not only military folks accept this as normal part of life..  truckers, people in sales are often away for biz, doctors have long hours, red cross volunteers, missionaries, there are plenty of examples of couples separated by duties other than home camp.  i suppose the same realization could help her to not feel like a martyr for "allowing" her man to have a normal buisness life?
  4. Dinner time is always hard.  Everybody elses person is coming home and she's left flapping in the breeze.  If you had a regular time You use to either arrive home or always contact her, make sure she schedules a busy thing right at that moment so she isn't reacting to the "6 o'clock missings".  If there is no reason she needs to have dinner at the same time as before, say, kids or something,  maybe she can do her shopping or run errands right at that time.  Having dinner at an hour that she doesn't associate with Your presence will help.



Talldrkgentleman -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/7/2006 1:20:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

First, were you already aware that your job would cause you to be away from home at times prior to you involvement with her?

If you did know this, at what point did you make it known to this woman that your job involves travel & extended stays away from home? I would assume this is subjects covered very early in the getting to know you phase.

If she was fully aware of all of this going into the relationship & then suddenly developed a negative reaction to your extended travels then she is acting out in a negative manner in order to get a reaction out of you. This would be a time for behavior modification.

If she revealed to you at the time she found out you traveled that she did have issues with separation & you pursued the relationship anyway... well, you both created the problem. Could be kind of like being a cat breeder running a family business & then marrying someone with severe allergies to cats. You can't punish a girl for this.

I'll check back to read your reply as to my questions. The answer really depends on these being addressed.






Yes, she was fully aware of the distance aspect of my work. At any moment i can be called away and was on a two-day notice to leave for 3-4 months. It would be difficult to fault her for emotional distress with a two-day notice. Though we talked of it often (and it was often a reason for us to keep our distance), we found we could not help but fall madly and passionately in love and use terms like "forever." I am trying to relocate her to be with me now, but we have financial problems and job difficulties. We are working on it, but we will be apart for quite sometime regardless. She will visit every month and a half. Yet, so often her mind plays its tricks and begins to persuade her to chuck the whole relationship. She flip-flops often yet yearns more than ever to have a life with me.

Yes, we both created the problem but the course of love does not often run smoothly and is often not in the "manual." (whatever manual you may use). I have calmed her once again and told her what is expected: that she not give up, that she seek employment where I am now (she has few ties to being where she is), and that she write and talk to me often no matter how unreasonable (or reasonable) her problems are.

It is my belief she often (unconsciously) tries to act out to get a reaction from me.

thanks for your thoughts



Talldrkgentleman -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/7/2006 1:30:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

I am going to catch hell for this, but yes many submissives are very needy emotionally.  They crave attention like a drug, even when it is ostensibly taken away like being put in a cage or uses as an object, that object is usually a footstool for a master's feet and rarely a clothes hanger hiden in the back of the closet.

So, what can you do about it.

The doubts swirling in her head come from her own insecurities, so you need to work on them rather than try and deal with them through logic.  You can point out how much you care, how much you do, etc till you are blue in the face, it is all falling into an emotional black hole.  What I do ( and I am sure others do it better) is to make them reinforce their own worth, our connection, and my desire in their own heads. I force them (and at the beginning it is often a surprisingly difficult strugle) to say self affirming things.  I ask things like:
  • Who is Daddy's good girl?
  • Who is a good girl?
  • Who make's Daddy's cock hard?
  • Who get's all of Daddy's attention?
  • Who does Daddy love?


You get the idea.  It doesn't work overnight but it does work and as long as your actions match your worlds you can see changes.

As for her unraveling, she isn't.  Just like a child getting attention through being bad, she is acting out and you are playing into it.  Tell her "Daddy loves you but you are being a bad girl, daddy wants to talk to you when you are acting like a good girl.  Then end the call, try not to hang up (the abandonment thing) but you may have to a few times.  They are smarter than children and if you hold the line, they will quickly learn they get daddy's attention only when they are being good.

I also read my little girls to sleep when we are apart, if your voice is the last thing they hear as they fall asleep, the next day will go easier for you.  Not easy if the time zones are wide, but you can make it work.

Also, try and avoid punishment, you want to feed her attention addiciton by making her choose to be good.  Punishment works for things like "don't run into the street" but not for other things.

Another thing is have her read something that has good behavior in it.  There are a number of books like "The Bottoming Book" or "Mistress Abernathy's Slave Training Manual" that keep her mind in the right place.  Or taks her to work on something that you can do togther when you get back, perhaps lay out potential vacations, hobbies, weekend getaways, etc.  Keep her mind focused on some activity that is related to the two of you being together to reinforce the fact that that is where you intend to be with her.

As for the whole abandonment issue, read Riotgirls thread, it is a good one.


Hey!

Now here's a post that sounds like my girl. Yes, she craves attention like a drug! No doubt about it. Often she is concentrated on her own needs (I need to be grabbed more, won't you rape me?, how come your not as emotional as I am about us? etc..). It is when she is a good girl she is truly at her best, at peace, and calm and happy. So keeping her a good girl is essential during our parting and acknowledging her goodness at every possible moment important.

I'm new at this (as she is), and talking about a lover as a child is entirely odd...yet somehow the most precious thing in the world, ain't it?

No, I certainly don't believe in punishment on the road, and since I long ago told her I would hold her hand forever, the abandonment issue is no problem (though she often disbelieves my sincerity in that). I keep my promises so I won't go back on that one. Marriage is a foregone conclusion for me but the time is not right at the moment. The relationship is too volitile and finances are....well....problematic at the moment.

Yes, I need to keep her mind upon the future; our future and our eventual reunion.

thanks for the thoughts...



Talldrkgentleman -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/7/2006 1:39:03 AM)

quote:


You say she fell in love with you.. GREAT.. but is this REALLY how you wish to spend the rest of your life? Helping someone get through issues that she really needs to learn to deal with for herself? I would think this would become exhausting over time..but then again, I am going with the assumption that you work may have you doing more than just this one assignment elsewhere.

Just my two cents worth.


Yes, God help me I can't imagine life doing other than what you describe. We are new to all this. I learned of this lifestyle and all it wonders and problems to understand her, and have found something truly profound in meeting her incredible needs. We have experienced all the problems that two "newbies" encounter, yet I am certain over time these fears and irrational misbehaviors will abate. We are in an extremely difficult time in our relationship where the fantasy of our first year turns now to the realities of a hopeful "forever."

Yes, my work could easily take me away from her again and again, and I must find a way to remain in the same place or take her along with me....or find a new line of work.

I'm 46. Not sure exactly how the new line of work thing is going to work out, but it may be the only solution in the future.

Anyone have a job for a middle-aged (but incredibly handsome, overly modest, and highly capable guy) in the New York area?

Let me know...



Talldrkgentleman -> RE: She's far away...any suggestions? (9/7/2006 1:40:33 AM)

quote:

Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> She's far away...any suggestions? Page: [1]
Login Message<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>


She's far away...any suggestions? - 9/6/2006 8:49:14 AM
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsKatHouston

rules, structure, praise, encouragement, consistency and communication

Some ideas:
-have her keep a journal
-assign her tasks - take control of some of the daily tasks such as telling her what clothes to wear one day or have her do a specific item in a set amount of time.  Let her feel your control even if you are not physically there.  Does she wear a collar?  If not have her wear one at night.  Dictate bed times.  Change it up...
-reward her with a trip to a spa or something like that
-make her buy an outfit with only you in mind
-Send her "thinking of you" emails occasionally
-do some long distance play, invest in a web cam, send pictures, hone your cyber skills
-will you be able to bring her to you or you go home any time during the stay?
-have her research and write specific topics such as "What I can do to build self esteem", "101 reasons I'm a great submissive" "102 reasons my Master is a great Dominant", "When Master is Away the sub will..." 



This is sound advice. thank you



Page: [1] 2 3 4   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875