Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (Full Version)

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WhipTheHip -> Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 1:52:26 PM)

> Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer?
 
Good question.  Why do some feel an overwhelming NEED
to be a Dom?
 
Maybe because I am bit like Holden Caufield.    Maybe because
I am bit like Don Quixote.   Maybe because I have empathy.  Maybe
because  I have a guilt, hero or martyr complex.  Probably, because
I felt like the underdog so much of the time when I was growing up.
I don't really know for sure.  Does it really matter?
 
Actually, it is not an overwhelming need, but I am attracted
to people who need help.  I like feeling needed, I like being
hero.  Maybe, it was all those super-hero cartoons and
television shows I saw as a kid.  Blame it on Hollywood.
Or maybe it was my religious upbringing that taught
every human being needs to be a savior.

Cheers,
Michael

The cockroach is the world's greatest survvior., butterflies only live for
seven days.. But I would rather be a butterfly than a cockroach.  I would
rather live a short life making people happy and brightening  the world,
then live a long, selfish life dedicated to persuing my own self-gratification,
and just taking care of my own needs.



Frank01 -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 1:53:51 PM)

Why would I want to be that masochistic?



mstrjx -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 2:00:02 PM)

The answer to some would be, because they have the need to be needed.  A rescuer is that person (one that is needed).

Jeff



gentlethistle -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 2:01:45 PM)

...and the subsiduary question is...does that need to rescue, protect, mould, rebuild (or wherever that rescuing urge goes) just indirectly lead to more 'broken' people to fix?  If I can rely on someone to ride in on that charger to rescue me, to sort it all out...then don't I just become more incapable of my own defense?

  Laura



LaTigresse -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 2:04:29 PM)

I do NOT want to be anyone's rescuer. I want a strong whole person coming to me to enhance their life not save it.



justheather -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 2:10:25 PM)

Im just curious as to what happens to the relationship once the person does not "need help" any more.



DoctorDubious -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 2:22:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

> Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer?
 
Good question.  Why do some feel an overwhelming NEED
to be a Dom? 
  

 
 
  I would
rather live a short life making people happy and brightening  the world,
then live a long, selfish life dedicated to persuing my own self-gratification,
and just taking care of my own needs.




So.... Dom = Rescuer    ???

Bunk!

I know a few doms,
and in general they want strong, powerful,
evolved, and intelligent women to surrender to them.

>>  I would
rather live a short life making people happy and brightening  the world,
then live a long, selfish life dedicated to persuing my own self-gratification,
and just taking care of my own needs.

So ... is the author of these words domm-ish or sub-ish ... hmmm?

I would rather love a beautiful surrendered woman
who will pursue and provide gratification to me,
and put my needs and desires first....
(which is how she meets her needs as a submissive).

DD, a bossy old goat.

PS... The Rescue
 
A young firefighter
(but surely NOT our fine FireMa'am)
placed a ladder against the bedroom window
of a burning house and rushed up.

Inside was a curvy brunette in a see- through nightie.

"Aha," said he, "you're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"

"But I'm not pregnant," the brunette indignantly exclaimed.

"You're not rescued yet either."



toservez -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 2:24:30 PM)

Sorry if this is too flamey and I am taking this question as life in general and not totally about M/s.

For the most part when done within reason and with proper perspective and boundaries then a person who enjoys rescuing people is a nice person who it is just part of their personality. They are the people who are always taking in stray animals, doing favors for people outside of close friends and family and just enjoy sharing their wisdom with others.

For people who truly need to see someone and want to rescue, save and/or change them often that is just a sign of low self esteem on their end. They treat this problem by drugging themsevles with a unconscious sense of superiority. Who else but the great me can help this lowly person. They are looking for hero worship. They are looking to convert the people to their views and how they think life should be so it justifies their choices. I see a high percentage of this in social workers where it is almost not really about who they are looking out for but that they are great because they are the ones looking out for them.

Again I do not mean all people who like to rescue people have low self esteem. I am just saying that there is a very big difference in enjoying helping someone or something and needing to think or have others think that makes you nicer or better then other people.

For M/s, a dominant wanting/enjoying helping their submissive become all that they can be is truly special. A dominant thinking without them the person would be hopeless or loss has maybe more issues then their perceived rescue.



Bearlee -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 2:28:02 PM)

 

DD.... You are WICKED!!!  (funny joke)
 
.................and I agree with you on what most Doms seem to be seeking!



midnyt -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 2:54:20 PM)

gentlethistle, my thoughts exactly. i couldnt have said it better myself.

~midnyt~



Amaros -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 3:07:27 PM)

I don't - anymore, my ex cured me of that, I think: a talented and promising artist, I thought I could facilitate her career without sacrificing my own, but her talent for drinking exceeded my powers of redemption.

I am still attracted to Damsels in Distress, perhaps because I do have a bit of a talent for motivational speaking, and it pleases me to see people push the limits of what they believe - or have been taught to believe - themselves capable of, and I'm a sucker for lost causes. On the other hand, I am so apparently free of conformity to social expectations that on more than one occasion I've inadvertantly caused people to run amok when their ambition exceeded their experience.

Either way, I've learned to be much more careful - now I'm looking for someone to rescue me. [;)]

Damn the luck, it appears to be out of style amongst the womenfolk.



NastyDaddy -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 3:15:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip
Why do some feel an overwhelming NEED to be a Dom? 


Perhaps it's because I haven't been rescued?



juliaoceania -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 3:28:06 PM)

http://www.nmha.org/infoctr/factsheets/43.cfm

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior.

How Do Co-Dependent People Behave?
Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.” Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.
They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.

On edit I wanted to add this

Characteristics of Co-Dependent People Are:
  • An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.
  • A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue.
  • A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.
  • A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts.
  • An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
  • An extreme need for approval and recognition.
  • A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.
  • A compelling need to control others.
  • Lack of trust in self and/or others.
  • Fear of being abandoned or alone.
  • Difficulty identifying feelings.
  • Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.
  • Problems with intimacy/boundaries.
  • Chronic anger.
  • Lying/dishonesty.
  • Poor communications
  • Difficulty making decisions.


I am not saying the OP is these things, I am just pointing out some of his ideas are consistent with codependency.. and it ain't a good thing from my PoV. Codependents are often loving, wonderful people... but it still isn't healthy



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 3:37:41 PM)

I too, find holes in your assumtion, Michael, that it is the Dom that is the rescuer. I've seen more then a fair share of submissives/slaves that rush into a relationship because they preceive the Dom/me as someone who "needs" a submissive in their life.

As to the questions in general terms, people like to be the rescuer because it gives them a sense of purpose and fulfillment in being a facilitator to someone else in need. Defender of the weak, bringing justice to the wicked, yadda yadda yadda.



Amaros -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 3:37:57 PM)

True, although you definitions are bit mixed up here - co-dependence involves an attempt to save soemone "from themselves", be it an addiction, a deeply flawed character, etc. co-dependence is when one derives one's own sense of self worth from the "saving" behavior, and often simply inserts themeselves into the self-destructive cycle of the 'dependent', and typically ends up making them worse by enabling the behavior so as to continue the cycle of dependence, postponing the "hitting bottom" epiphany that might otherwise cause the pathological individual to seek to save themselves, which is the only way they're gonna be saved.

Contrast with "Tough Love", which is to offer support without inserting oneself directly into the cycle, i.e., intervening or enabling during crisis.



juliaoceania -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 3:40:57 PM)

The pattern of finding people to "fix" is classic codependence though



Amaros -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 3:53:31 PM)

It is a bit of a conundrum for me, I cannot define submissivness as a pathological condition, per se - there are number of complicating biological and social factors involved, that of neccessity require individual assessment.

Self destructivness would appear to be the salient behavioral marker, and you just can't usually help these people, although you could, for example, keep a dangerously promiscuous and undiscerning person literally locked up for their own, and the good of the general population (assuming it's consensual), and that could be seen as relatively healthy permutation of co-dependence in a BDSM context.

i.e., I've seen women, and men, who allowed themselves to be passed around in a dark theatre full of random assorted perverts without discrimination or precaution - these persons are technically, active disease vectors, walking "hot zones", and constitute a more than theoretical threat to public health - arranging some method of satisfying their lusts more responsibly, without neccessarily altering their basic behavior would be doing a favor to the community at large,and one could feel like one was still acting in a fundamentally responsible way, in the larger sense.

Any thoughts on that? I'm silling to hazard a guess that there is at least some percentage of submissives who fit this description, we can't all be perfect. [:)]



stef -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 3:55:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

> Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? 

Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to regurgitate the content of your previous posts as new threads? 

~stef
 



juliaoceania -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 3:57:00 PM)

Can you clarify your thoughts?



Arpig -> RE: Why do you feel the overwhelming NEED to be the Rescuer? (9/27/2006 4:06:00 PM)

I don't...I have enough baggage of my own...I am looking for somebody to help me lug it around, not for somebody to add more to the load.



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