marieToo
Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
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ORIGINAL: zumala
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ORIGINAL: marieToo
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ORIGINAL: zumala
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ORIGINAL: Frank01
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ORIGINAL: sophia37
Oh gee! its another "cheating thread!" Boy are you in for it here on this site! The holier than thou brigade loves to jump into this one. We here on collarme can slap each other around, have toilet play, live with 6 lovers at the same time and any number of other off the wall things in the eyes of the mainstream world, but by golly, go get a secret lover and you're doomed. Same old same old..
I find it equally amusing that so many of the "trust honor and commitment" crowd never make a relationship last more than six months.
I guess short-term serial monogamy is "superior."
Who knew? 
Why is it that 'cheating' threads so often end up bashing marriage? Four years eight months and counting. We're doing quite well, thank you. Our marriage means a great deal to us. We did say 'until death do us part' and we /meant/ it. Surprise!
zuma
lol 4 whole years? Kidding! Im personally not knocking marriage, and I hope yours lasts for eternity, but everyone who is divorced "meant it" too when they said 'till death do us part'. Some of us didnt make it, but the whole undercurrent that we are people who cant keep vows is really unfair. Things sometimes change. No reason for those who are still married to knock those who are not or to imply that divorced couples are less capable of keeping their word, or not as strong, or honorable as those who are still married, or that we took our vows frivolously and didnt bother to make an effort. Thats always the implication with these threads. People who are either still married, or never been married, judging those whose marrigages didnt make it.
I'm only 29, marie, cut me a little slack  I can still check in ten years from now and make a report if that'll hold any more water. I just haven't been around long enough for my marriage to have accumulated some 30-odd years. We'll get there.
It does make me wonder. Why does divorce happen? If both people are really commited to the relationship, open, and willing to work together over any rough patches that come up... then why would the marriage fail? Yes, people change, but if you're talking and spending time together, it's likely that some of those changes will take place together. pup and I aren't clones, but we do share a lot of interests, some of which were discovered together after we got married.
Apologies for the drifting thoughts and semi-hijack. It's just something that I don't understand and sometimes spend too much time trying to figure out.
zuma
Its really not complicated. People change and grow and sometimes outgrow their spouse. Other times, people don't know their spouse the way they thought they did. Lies happen, trust gets wrecked, betrayals happen, forgiveness runs dry after a while. Both parties "adust" because of those vows and commitments to family, children, mortgages, friends etc etc. And then they each, or at least one of them, remains stagnant, as a lifeless shell merely going through the motions, not because one is a bad guy neccesarily, but becuase its harder than fuck to actually live out the belief that we have when we get married; the thought that one person....one single person is going to fulfill every single need and desire we ever grow to have. Thats alot of pressure to live under and its simply against all odds that it will actually play out like that. It has little to do with love, commitment and effort and much to do with the reality of human nature. Marriage is an institution that is doomed to failure, UNLESS you have two totally secure individuals that are willing to loosen up the grip and allow each other the necessary growth that takes place over a lifespan. Whether to explore, Ds, pursue a career, have an outlet that doesnt involve your spouse, go back to school, whatever the case may be. Most people get jealous or insecure over these things...they fear losing the other and they hold on until they smother each other.
Not all marriages fail of course. Some last forever. Some last for love, others last for practical reasons and fear of change. Others yet end and it doesnt have to be veiwed as a failure. I spent 22 yrs with someone. (Im 41 now) I fell in love with him when I was 18, married him at 26, divorced him at 40. Spending 22 yrs with someone, having some fun, bringing a child into the world, then parting ways, isnt the worst thing in the world. We are each free now to live the life that we need now, which isn't the same thing we needed in our twenties. Im not saying everyone is doomed to this outcome. Im just saying that when 50% of marriages fail, we should examine what it is about the institution of marriage that causes this 'failure' rate, rather than assuming that everyone who divorced lacked honor, tenacity and commitment.
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marie.
I give good agita.
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