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RE: Anger - 10/6/2006 7:43:06 PM

Tikkiee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

I never get angry at friends. I stay away from people who get angry.
I have neer seen any of my friends ever get angry.

wow

You NEVER get angry at friends? NEVER NEVER NEVER?

Somehow, I find that quite unbelievable. But, what you consider anger might not be what I consider anger.
/shrug

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RE: Anger - 10/8/2006 4:45:21 AM

julietsierra

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Personally, I worry about people who claim they NEVER get angry. From a psychological standpoint, while I'm no psychologist, that does not sound healthy.

Anger is not the problem. How one displays that anger can be. Displaying anger as "disappointment" seems to me, to be disengenuous. Talking honestly about the feelings seems to me to be a better way of handling things.

juliet

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RE: Anger - 10/8/2006 6:14:34 AM

agirl

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I looked up the word *anger* in the OED and it was described as a *strong feeling of extreme displeasure*. What is an extreme feeling to one person isn't to another. Some people get angry about the toothpaste lid being left off the tube.....lol

I lived with a person who's natural state seemed to be Mr Angry.....many small, seemingly innocuous things incited that *strong feeling of displeasure*.....and it was actually quite bewildering oftentimes.

I rarely have *anger* as described by the OED......I get a bit narked now and then and a bit frustrated now and then but I truly cannot remember the last time I felt *anger*.

This could be that my life doesn't involve situations or people that challenge me that way or that I'm fairly *laid-back* and am slow to anger.

I don't think my Mr Angry was actually angry about the toothpaste lid, he was angry about lacking control in all sorts of other places and it got expressed in inappropriate ways about inappropriate things.

I think the worst thing about being around an angry person is when you don't understand WHY they are angry and if it appears *over the top* for the situation.

If I've caused someone to be angry with me and I know and understand why and it's in proportion then I have no residual fear. It's justified. Living with apprehension is very uncomfortable.

agirl

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RE: Anger - 10/8/2006 6:23:49 AM

WhipTheHip

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Among the people I know and am fiends with anger is not a normal
human emotion. It is the one thing that seperates us from most
people in the word. Some people are more prone to anger,
others less prone to anger.

None of my friends has ever done anything to make me angry,
and I have never done anything to make any of my friends angry.
We never fight. If we do fight, it is a friendly fight insisting the
other party get their way, or we pay the bill, or

I guess the average person might have trouble understanding
my friends and I. That is why I want to make a community for
people who don't get angry at friends.

I guess I can believe that none of you have ever met someone
who is really good-natured, considering the level of hostility
here, that wouldn't surprise me.

I feel sorry for people who think it is not healthy to not get
angry once in a while at friends or at a partner.

A lot of us happen to be Libras. I don't believe in horoscopes,
but there you have it.

I guess all you pop psychologists out there would say Gandhi and
Einstein were sick people because they never got angry at friends.

I stay away from people who get angry and people who make
me angry.

< Message edited by WhipTheHip -- 10/8/2006 6:26:40 AM >

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RE: Anger - 10/8/2006 6:45:33 AM

WhipTheHip

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> wow    You NEVER get angry at friends? NEVER NEVER NEVER?
>   Somehow, I find that quite unbelievable. But, what you consider
> anger might not be what I consider anger.    /shrug

Not only that, I've never come close to getting angry with a friend or
partner.   I am very laid back, and have excellent communication
skills. But most critically, I am friends with people who are easy
going, and non-aggresive.   We are all nerdy.   Maybe that's it. No,
because I know a nerdy couple that fight with each other all the time.

I am like that guy in a Clock Work Orange who under went behavior
aversion therapy. The mere thought of anger and violence nauseates
me. I was this way even as a child. I am very careful to choose
friends who are super nice, who would give their life for me, as I
would gladly give my life for them.

There are very few things that a partner could do to make me
angry. Stealing from me would be one.

A Girl wrote:
> I rarely have *anger* as described by the OED......I get a bit narked now
> and then and a bit frustrated now and then but I truly cannot remember
> the last time I felt *anger*. This could be that my life doesn't involve
> situations or people that challenge me that way or that I'm fairly *laid-
> back* and am slow to anger.

Thank you. Life is too short to get upset over little things. If someone
forgot to do something, it is my pleasure to do it.   I routinely help
strangers. I don't sweat the small stuff, but come to think of it none
of my friends have ever remotely done aything to make me or anyone
else angry..

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RE: Anger - 10/8/2006 8:43:39 AM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

> wow    You NEVER get angry at friends? NEVER NEVER NEVER?
>   Somehow, I find that quite unbelievable. But, what you consider
> anger might not be what I consider anger.    /shrug

Not only that, I've never come close to getting angry with a friend or
partner.   I am very laid back, and have excellent communication
skills. But most critically, I am friends with people who are easy
going, and non-aggresive.   We are all nerdy.   Maybe that's it. No,
because I know a nerdy couple that fight with each other all the time.

I am like that guy in a Clock Work Orange who under went behavior
aversion therapy. The mere thought of anger and violence nauseates
me. I was this way even as a child. I am very careful to choose
friends who are super nice, who would give their life for me, as I
would gladly give my life for them.

There are very few things that a partner could do to make me
angry. Stealing from me would be one.

A Girl wrote:
> I rarely have *anger* as described by the OED......I get a bit narked now
> and then and a bit frustrated now and then but I truly cannot remember
> the last time I felt *anger*. This could be that my life doesn't involve
> situations or people that challenge me that way or that I'm fairly *laid-
> back* and am slow to anger.

Thank you. Life is too short to get upset over little things. If someone
forgot to do something, it is my pleasure to do it.   I routinely help
strangers. I don't sweat the small stuff, but come to think of it none
of my friends have ever remotely done aything to make me or anyone
else angry..

We probably differ here........I'm not nauseated by violence and anger in itself. It could be said that my Master is *violent*.....he certainly uses physical force to hurt my body. I'm not a super nice person and I'm not surrounded by super nice people........I'm ordinary and so are they. I only have one friend and he is certainly not super nice all of the time but when he expresses his passion, or *anger* or frustration.....it's not in the wrong place.

I don't feel comfortable when people *lose it* and fire off in a deeply unpleasant and indiscriminate way, basically.....though it wouldn't cripple me if they did. I just don't like it much.

agirl

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RE: Anger - 10/8/2006 8:45:42 AM

Tikkiee

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quote:

Not only that, I've never come close to getting angry with a friend or
partner. I am very laid back, and have excellent communication
skills.

Wow, a paragon of virtue you are.

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RE: Anger - 10/8/2006 9:01:16 AM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Tikkiee

quote:

Not only that, I've never come close to getting angry with a friend or
partner. I am very laid back, and have excellent communication
skills.

Wow, a paragon of virtue you are.

Does virtue have anything to do with not feeling anger?

agirl

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Post #: 48

RE: Anger - 10/8/2006 9:44:11 AM

Mavis

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gypsygirl, welp, your post number 40 looks to me like you have an excellent handle on this, really. Separating the emotion from the actions, deciding which play styles will work for you, pre-thought on what type of Dominnants to associate with, everything. yours is a really good example of how this place can work, posting an issue, gleaning some insights, and coming up with new solutions.

Hell, and some think this place has gone to hell in a handbasket.

(edited for typo)

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RE: Anger - 10/8/2006 8:52:11 PM

teamnoir

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I think it's unrealistic as a limit. I think you might want to work on your own anger for a bit.

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RE: Anger - 10/8/2006 8:59:57 PM

Sinergy

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WhipTheHip

I am like that guy in a Clock Work Orange who under went behavior aversion therapy. The mere thought of anger and violence nauseates me.

Hello A/all,

Lovely thread.

Before you ask. I probably get angry or upset at times. I simply refuse to modify my behavior based on it. It is just an emotion.

This quote got me thinking, though. WhipTheHip, did you actually understand the central message of the movie A Clockwork Orange? The behavior modification done to him turned Alex into a feeble shell unable to survive in the society he lived in.

That movie was a profound negative indictment of B.F. Skinner's behavior modification theories and why they would not actually work in the Real World. The reason being that people adapt their behavior to function in the societal norms they are exposed to. To whit, society makes people who they are, not people make society what it is.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

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RE: Anger - 10/9/2006 6:11:52 AM

LeatherBentOne

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Anger covers up many emotions we fail to identify, sometimes hurt, disappointment and our own insecurities. It's the emotion that we seldom give permission to manifest and often seem to stuff down because we're afraid of anger. Albeit, anger does have a cleansing element of the soul in that it clears the way for a new beginning, it rids one of emotions getting in the way of our more rational thought processes.

Feelings are feelings and are nothing more than that. We all have them, and they don't have to be rational; they just exist. It's what we do with our emotions that count, how we use them as a catalyst for self improvement. They need not be reigned in but need to have a form of expression and validated. "This is how I feel and it doesnt have to make sense. You don't have to agree or disagree with my feelings."

Look at their origin and find out where they come from, their root. More often than not, anger is masking the source. What is it that you need and arent getting? Why do you feel cheated in your efforts? What is it you're trying to tell me but can't seem to find the words to describe? A hug often helps during the heat and the height of the moment. It breaks the negative cycle of negative emotions. It throws us off balance because we least expect it and long enough to allow us to think about what is hurting us, truly. How about a simple, "I understand your pain and I'm here for you. Tell me what's really bothering you."?

No need to run away or to shut down. This is when most people become the most vulnerable to face their true feelings now that the anger is out of the way. Let the other person know that we've all been there and we will also revisit our anger again. That's just part of being human but hopefully the next time, we'll get closer to the point of what's really bothering us so much, and so much the sooner.

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RE: Anger - 3/4/2008 7:32:56 AM

gypsygrl

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quote:

I was seeing somebody who was out with somebody on the first date that yelled at a 9 year old. That was their last date.

I've been thinking about this thread alot the past couple months, especially the above quote. Thanks again to all who posted.

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RE: Anger - 3/4/2008 8:43:45 AM

paynestar

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Threats? That is an instant red flag.

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RE: Anger - 3/4/2008 12:49:05 PM

Owner4SexSlave

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Here's my thoughts on this...

Anger is a natural human emotion that occurs from time to time.   It's not an easy thing to deal with somebody who's made at you, however it's not easy thing for somebody who's angry at another to deal with as well.

Gypsygrl, have you thought about how awkward and difficult it for the person that is angry with you?   Many times, the angry person is frustrated and feeling hurt themselves.

Have you thought about keep a focus upon the emotions behind angry, such as hurt or disspointment?   Many times, us humans tend to forget we are dealing with a hurting person when faced with anger.

Remember, that deep down they are not angry, they are really hurting and frustrated and feeling overwhelmed.   Perhaps, if you were to able to look at anger in a different light and get in touch with the roots of anger.

Would you react the same way, if you knew you had hurt somebody?  Perhaps this might help you some.

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RE: Anger - 3/4/2008 1:42:00 PM

Missokyst

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I find it hard to deal with anger which is expressed that way. Yelling scares me and makes me shut down. My ex husband was a yeller, he would carry screaming to advanced levels when he was angry. Except for one time, he never raised his hand to me (countered by my mom who tossed him into a wall for it). But he was able to manipulate me through yelling, and ultimately through browbeating.
Yellers have lost their control.
People without control make me nervous.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

Its the behaviors more than the emotion. The yelling, the body language and the sense that they're out of control.

I can't think of a time where someone expressed the emotion without the attendant behavior, so I'm not sure how to distinguish them.

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RE: Anger - 3/4/2008 2:01:57 PM

angelikaJ

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One can be angry and not yell or slam things.

As I understand it, it is the way the anger is being expressed and not the emotion itself that troubles you.

(In which case topcat I don't think she is being passive aggresive or controlling at all)

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RE: Anger - 3/4/2008 2:09:35 PM

Owner4SexSlave

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I have read a number of posts about "out of control screamers and yellers".   I tend to go along with everybody on this one. However, at what db level is too much, where is the line when dealing with a raised voice to outright yelling?

In my previous relationship, she had a hard time dealing with a displeased tone of voice and would react as if I was yelling at her.    Basically, she gave me the whole bit about it making her shut down.   I was not out of control nor screaming my head off when this happened.   There were a few times when I did yell and scream, but that was near the end of things.   When I myself found I reached the point of yelling and screaming, I myself shut down and simply said fuck it, being upset it not worth it anymore..   Basically, I myself after having tried and done everything I could, reached a point of frustration, realized it... and decided it was time to finally toss in the towel on it all.

Again, I stress my yelling and screaming happened near the end, and I myself did not like it.   Basically, frustration had set in, and I did not like the person and mental state I was in.

I do know this, that it is very difficult for me to deal with somebody who can not deal with a displeased tone of voice (this is without any yelling or screaming involved).   My current girl, is very attuned to tone of voice and body language and it very quick to want to talk and communicate about things.

So for me, I enjoy and appreciate somebody who does not want to calm up and run away but rather is very interested in communication and getting everything out into the open.    Again, I will stress I'd never will be involved with anybody who freezes up and withdrawls at the slightest amount of displeasure.     I'm not Mr. Rodgers however, I'm not a crazy angry out of control lunatic either.   If I feel I'm starting to reach crazy angry stages, I'm the one having to dettach, for my own sanity and self control.

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RE: Anger - 3/4/2008 2:15:46 PM

Missokyst

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I think this is an important point because what is the level? My ex never thought he was yelling. In his family all that was normal stuff, in mine, yelling is an aberration.
But, nevertheless, he may not have seen it as yelling from his point of view. My neighbors, however, who did stand up for me on occasion would be the ones calling police because of "loud disturbances".
The bitch who lived next door to me put him on camcorder so she could sue us for being in front of her property. I couldn't stand that woman but she did do me a great favor by submitting that tape to court. Yellers rarely see that they are yelling. You have to have control of yourself to recognize when things have crossed the line.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Owner4SexSlave
However, at what db level is too much, where is the line when dealing with a raised voice to outright yelling?

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RE: Anger - 3/4/2008 5:04:58 PM

DesFIP

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I'm an adult, I don't yell and scream at people, trying to frighten them into compliance. When I get angry I distance myself until I am in control and then I come back and say that I am very angry and this is why. I explain that I am hurt and disappointed and have lost trust.

But I don't lose control.

And I won't be with anyone else who can't control themselves either.

The Man is losing patience with drivers lately, he calls them names. But he doesn't lose control of his driving. He doesn't try to speed up to cut them off, give them the finger, etc. He expresses it safely while resigning himself to unnecessary delays. That's acceptable. Driving dangerously is not. And he knows the difference.

I see no problem in hard limiting people who have anger management problems or just different methods of expression. The stereotypical Italian-American hand wringing, yelling and shouting, and then making up doesn't work for you. Be clear about that and find someone whose style does work for you. BTW we must have spent hours talking about anger before I agreed to meet him. What his style was, what was it like when he was younger, why and how he changed, the last time he lost control, the last time he got angry without losing control etc. I find that people who get out of control enjoy boasting about it. They tell you about all the times they quit a job yelling at their bosses, how they walked out on an ex after giving it to her good, etc. Lead them on to talk about these kinds of subjects and you'll find out the truth easily.

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