julietsierra
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Joined: 9/26/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: onestandingstill
Subject: Civility and Incivility in the Scene - (Permission given to repost.)
I read this essay, both here and in an e-mail group I correspond in, and both times, it rubbed me the wrong way, but I was unable at the time to put my finger on just exactly what it was that was causing this reaction with me.
Today I finally figured it out.
So, I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a minute. I don't know the author and really who he or she is doesn't really matter much to me. I'm just looking at the content of what was written.
Here goes:
I believe that we've spent a lot of time attempting to be tolerant and very little time holding up a standard of behavior and then sticking to what we've touted. That's not to say that everyone should behave as I do, or that they shouldn't. What I am saying is that hallmarks of this lifestyle that I was taught are being left by the wayside in an attempt to be everything to everybody.
When I first started doing this, I was taught - by nearly everyone that would take the time to teach me - that there is a code of honor. I was taught that we police our own so that people feel safe when they come to events. Yet, in all honesty, I've never seen this to be the case.
I post to these forums, but my interactions with people in this lifestyle are real life and have been so for many years. In the time I've been around, I've seen people, both submissives and dominants, angry at one another and engage in behavior that is vindictive and destructive. I've watched as people keyed the cars of their ex-dominants and submissives. I've seen other dominants rescue a submissive who was being beat up in a parking lot of a munch by her dominant because she dared break up with him the week before.
And then, those very same people who had done the keying, and beating people up, and all sorts of things, have been invited back to play parties, events and even be placed in positions of control of groups by being asked to DM in more public dungeons.
I understand that there are two sides to every story, but when you ask why people maintain tightly knit cliques, don't venture out amongst others and actually do what they can to ostracize new people, I'd venture to say that the cause is in our own back yards.
You see, I am one of those who practice the empathy gap. I am not all so fired up and anxious to make things easy for those entering this lifestyle. It is my firm belief that for better or for worse, this lifestyle exacts a cost, and making it easy for people to treat this as a fad, helps them avoid seriously contemplating the cost they will incur. I don't think this is healthy for them, and it's not healthy for me as I interact with them, and it's not healthy for a group of people who out of one side of their mouth tout honor and integrity, and out of the other reward those who have none. I WANT things to be difficult. I WANT people to have to look at what they will have to do and make a decision that no matter what, they WANT to be here; they WANT to live this life. I think that consensuality is enhanced when people make informed choices and are not just drifting on a whim.
The whole "sweet and sour" issue is part of that process. I don't believe that ANYONE is hugging each other in order to make someone else feel badly. That's attributing a lot to groups of friends who can be genuinely happy to see each other. I also don't believe that people are required to treat everyone exactly the same. I don't think I'd want to be a part of something like that. As time goes on and those individuals initially not hugged are better known, the hugs will come. It has to do with patience and realizing that years of friendships happen throughout years and not the last three munches one has attended.Again, it has to do with time, committment and knowledge - this time, the knowledge of other people for those that are not necessarily a part of things when they first arrive. And again, if it invites retaliation, then it's time to step up and hold those who will do the retaliating to a code that says if you act in a destructively vindictive manner to others, you will not be welcome.
Now, all this being said, some may want to accuse me of also being part of the "Imperial-Imperious" group, but I don't believe I am. I'd like to think that when we as a group say something, we mean it. The chicken-hawks would have far less delectable opportunities and there would be far fewer damaged chicks if we held ourselves to a standard of behavior with politeness and respect (courtesy for those who believe respect should be earned) as the hallmarks.
Because the scene is a small world, courtesy and politeness seem to be the way to go. I wholeheartedly agree with that. However, courtesy and politeness, even if distasteful, go hand in hand with expectations of behavior that maintain the quality of the environment for all the people that are there - not just those who are of stronger personality.
I personally don't accept that by virtue of our interests, we are required to spend time with people we might not otherwise choose as friends. If a lifestyle is a way of living one's life, then to me, that would include the ability and the imperative to choose one's friends wisely. While many people I may or may not like as friends may be at a munch, and while I believe I should be polite to them, I also don't believe that my evening should necessarily be spent being "friends" with those people. We are a group of people who enjoy many of the same things. That does not necessarily translate into friendships, nor should it. So, at munches, when I see friends, whether it makes me cliquish or not, I'm going to spend time there predominantly with my friends. As other people slowly enter that circle, I'll spend time with them as well, but it is not an obligation that this happen all at once.
Enforcing play standards in public venues are good things, but I would say that while we can and should show tolerance for each other's activities and predelictions, I really don't believe tolerance should be the rule when blatantly destructive and even violent activites are taking place.
I believe it's all well and good to maintain the air of civility. I appreciate civility very much. However, more than extended civility, what is lacking is the awareness and an assuredness that if one is uncivil, there will be a bigger cost to bear.
It is my belief that there are far far too many of us that can relate, in our own communities, activities that have happened wherein someone who is patently unsafe, keeps coming back and back and back. And for those of us who have been at the receiving end of their attentions, cliques, inordinate boundaries and airs of exclusivity are the defenses we engage in when the community that we've always heard would be there for us, fails yet again to recognize the difference between tolerance for our kinks and safety of its members.
Until people are ready to step up to that responsibility, I don't believe anything will really change - no matter how much I might hope they might.
juliet
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RE: Civility and Incivility in the Scene - 
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