Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Negative postings


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Negative postings Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Negative postings - 11/1/2006 2:04:59 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		But being negative is not necessarily inherently bad, the universe should be balanced after all. There is a difference between being necessarily negative about something and polyannish. Negative does not always equate to mean, cruel, and barbarous.... just saying there is a place for everything, even negativity, now we can debate if the negative outweigh the postive around here, but I bet there are more positive posts than negative posts.... negative ones just seem to stick out more (especially if we feel they are aimed at us)

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Negative postings - 11/1/2006 2:22:13 PM   
Mikal


Posts: 3673
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom
You want to give a starving person food and I want to teach them to feed themselves.  Both are valid goals but I believe mine is better in the long run.


Teaching someone to feed themselves is fine and dandy, but what about the person who is so starved, that death is a close shadow? Giving them food at that time would be better... then, when they're not so starved, teach them.
 
Just my two cents

_____________________________

You know that I am a sexy penguin.

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Negative postings - 11/1/2006 4:03:32 PM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mikal

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom
You want to give a starving person food and I want to teach them to feed themselves.  Both are valid goals but I believe mine is better in the long run.


Teaching someone to feed themselves is fine and dandy, but what about the person who is so starved, that death is a close shadow? Giving them food at that time would be better... then, when they're not so starved, teach them.
 
Just my two cents


When i reread CD's response above, i was thinking the same exact thing (but didn't feel like posting again....lol).   my reaction would also be to feed them, then teach them (or do a little of both at the same time).
 
When a little kid falls off his bike and scrapes his knee, he runs to mommy.  She cleans him up and kisses his boo-boo to make it all better.  Then daddy says 'i told you a million times not to ride your bike so fast!' (You ain't gonna see him kissin' the boo-boo....lol)  In many cases, the mother is the nurturer, the father the disciplinarian (of sorts).  Unfortunately, i was a single parent so i had to be both.  Again, i look at it as a balance i reached.
 
Hey, maybe it's just a female thing! 
 
In any event, CD believes his is "better in the long run".  If that's what works for him in his interpersonal relationships, then so be it.  But let's just hope his sub is never starving
 
DG
 

< Message edited by adaddysgirl -- 11/1/2006 4:04:51 PM >

(in reply to Mikal)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Negative postings - 11/1/2006 5:47:01 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		If I sense that the person is ready to learn, I often respond in a caring sensative manner.  Many who come here are not ready to learn and grow and my response is not for them but is instead for some more quiet soul reading the thread who might be ready to learn.

I realize that sounds horribly arrogant but since I have also posted some of the more revealing and humbling posts here I think I can get away with it.

(in reply to adaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Negative postings - 11/1/2006 8:56:46 PM   
Mikal


Posts: 3673
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom
... I have also posted some of the more revealing and humbling posts...

You??? HUMBLE????   Granted, I haven't scourged all threads yet, but... you do NOT seem the least bit humble... not that that's a bad thing... lol, I'm sure you're a muffin at home!
 
At least people know where they stand with you... nothin' sugar coated, so no one can scream "I didn't understand!!" or "but... I thought you meant ....". It's just nicer to be nice... and (generally) give people the benefit of doubt... feed them. If they choke, then show them how to feed themselves.
 
My two cents, again.

_____________________________

You know that I am a sexy penguin.

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Negative postings - 11/1/2006 9:07:02 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		OK, but I, on the other hand, really am humble.

(in reply to Mikal)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Negative postings - 11/2/2006 6:26:36 AM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

If I sense that the person is ready to learn, I often respond in a caring sensative manner.  Many who come here are not ready to learn and grow and my response is not for them but is instead for some more quiet soul reading the thread who might be ready to learn.

I realize that sounds horribly arrogant but since I have also posted some of the more revealing and humbling posts here I think I can get away with it.


i guess the problem is in who is really ready to learn.....or for that matter, who is ready to act?
 
i've seen many cases here where a sub comes on and asks some dire question and after 50 responses, she is nowhere to be found.  Was she asking because she was really ready to learn something?  *shrugs*
 
As a female (and probably others here can relate to this as well), i have good friends and family members that have been in abusive (or just very unhappy) relationships.....who call when they need to cry.  In reality, we both know what they need to do...but it seems they have just not quite reached the point of doing it yet.  Frustrating?  Yes!  Would i turn them away even after time and time again?  No!  But most importantly, would i ridicule them in some way when they are sharing this with me, regardless of how redundant it may seem at the time?  Absolutely not!
 
And i find that sometimes people are not really looking for solutions....they are merely venting.  i've done that myself at times.  Big difference. 
 
But anyway....i have read some of your posts CD.  i really have not found them offensive.  While you seem to have a 'shit or get off the pot' type of attitide, i have not seen you as belittling...either overtly or covertly.  (But then again, i'm fairly new and haven't seen a lot of what you've posted...lol)
 
Again....someone posting just to attack another poster is not my idea of intelligent conversation....and i'm really not sure what point they are trying to prove 
 
DG

< Message edited by adaddysgirl -- 11/2/2006 6:52:14 AM >

_____________________________

I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.

Frederick Douglas

"I am in a relationship which employs punishment because it fulfills me to do

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Negative postings - 11/6/2006 7:29:57 PM   
aryan


Posts: 3
Joined: 11/5/2006
Status: offline 		This is a really interesting thread. I apply the same tactic with others that I use with my kids. When my kids are truly in need of attention, empathy, or guidance, I provide it.

If they ask me the same question twice, perhaps it's because I didn't give a clear signal or acknowledge them in a clear way.

If they ask me a bazillion times after having been answered, or if they barage me with similar questions without taking the time to see if I answered, then I use silence. If you pay attention to a whining kid, it gets worse. If you ignore the behavior, it goes away and the stress involved is drastically reduced (and your ears will thank you sooner). A kid, or vis-a-vis an impatient or "whiny" poster, knows when they are being sincere or ridiculous and they'll respond accordingly...usually.

One thing remains constant, though. If they are truly in need or just being a pain in the arse, I remain calm, cool, and logical. People are people after all. Regardless of how outrageous I think someone is being, I try to talk to them with respect, in the hopes that maybe they'll learn by example. I'm all for telling somone to wisen up if its deserved, but I find I rarely have to get to that point. I admit, though, that sometimes people just have to be verbally slapped.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Negative postings - 11/7/2006 7:42:40 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

OK, but I, on the other hand, really am humble.


Ahhhhhhhhhhh...but I am humble even in the nearly blinding light of my own magnificence...therefore I am more humble.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Negative postings - 11/7/2006 8:12:51 AM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline 		Hello A/all,

Since this thread seems to have started discussing how to provide negative feedback to individuals, I wanted to talk about a concept we use at our kick-in-the-head job, which I believe is also de rigeur in couples interaction therapies.

We say...

I feel (state the feeling)

When you (state the action)

Would you please (offer a solution)

This frames it in terms of my feelings, describes how an action appears, and requests the person do something.

I am not sure what it is called by therapists, but we refer to it as a shit sandwich.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Negative postings - 11/7/2006 8:18:07 AM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

But being negative is not necessarily inherently bad, the universe should be balanced after all.



Reminds me of that scene in "Once upon a time in Mexico" where Johnny Depp points out to Antonio Banderas that his pork is the best he has ever had.

Then he says that when he is finished eating it he has to go kill the chef to maintain the balance in the world.

Not sure what that has to do with posting on collarme, but there you go.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Negative postings - 11/7/2006 8:27:18 AM   
Mikal


Posts: 3673
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

OK, but I, on the other hand, really am humble.


Ahhhhhhhhhhh...but I am humble even in the nearly blinding light of my own magnificence...therefore I am more humble.

All I gotta say is:
 
But, at least you two are interesting.... *snickers*

_____________________________

You know that I am a sexy penguin.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Negative postings - 11/7/2006 8:43:43 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline
quote:

guess the problem is in who is really ready to learn.....or for that matter, who is ready to act?
 
i've seen many cases here where a sub comes on and asks some dire question and after 50 responses, she is nowhere to be found. 


aloha adaddysgirl,
 
what that says to me is that her learning did not take the form you wanted it to take, and therefore you draw the conclusion she learned nothing.
 
since we dont have conclusive proof i would like to offer my take on the situation for your consideration:
 
i know in my life i often need some time to change my ways, or shift gears,... big behavioral changes rarely happen over night.
 
when someone leaves i like to imagine that is what they are doing ...going off and thinking about things...and even if they are not, i still like to think a seed has been planted and in time will grow...
 
i know for myself i can see as i look back many times where seeds were planted and took years to blossom, but i am the person i am today because of that lil piece of wisdom or that powerful insight.
 
one thing i do know and that studies have proven is that if you want some one to get your message say it with kindness, we will not hear as well or at all when being attacked. In fact there is a precise correlation to what we are able to retain and the way it is offered to us, so although i do get frustrated on these boards i still try to stay possitive and see the best in folks....i find its a great way to live life.
 
 
 

 

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to adaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Negative postings - 11/7/2006 8:45:14 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		ill be honest i really never understood that scene...am i missing something? can you explain it to me?

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Negative postings - 11/7/2006 9:08:21 AM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

quote:

guess the problem is in who is really ready to learn.....or for that matter, who is ready to act?
 
i've seen many cases here where a sub comes on and asks some dire question and after 50 responses, she is nowhere to be found. 


aloha adaddysgirl,
 
what that says to me is that her learning did not take the form you wanted it to take, and therefore you draw the conclusion she learned nothing.
 
Well crouch, this really wasn't about me.  If you go back to my post, i was actually referencing CD's post.  i was actually asking how  do we know if someone is actually ready to learn....or act on it.  i was implying it is hard to tell....that's why i 'shrugged'....lol.  i did not think i implied that she learned  nothing.
 
And i agree with what you are saying in the rest of your post.  i was actually advocating kindness in responses....instead of attack.  Hope that's clearer.
 
Be well  
 
DG

 

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Negative postings - 11/7/2006 9:12:51 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		much clearer, thank you

quote:

ORIGINAL: adaddysgirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

quote:

guess the problem is in who is really ready to learn.....or for that matter, who is ready to act?
 
i've seen many cases here where a sub comes on and asks some dire question and after 50 responses, she is nowhere to be found. 


aloha adaddysgirl,
 
what that says to me is that her learning did not take the form you wanted it to take, and therefore you draw the conclusion she learned nothing.
 
Well crouch, this really wasn't about me.  If you go back to my post, i was actually referencing CD's post.  i was actually asking how  do we know if someone is actually ready to learn....or act on it.  i was implying it is hard to tell....that's why i 'shrugged'....lol.  i did not think i implied that she learned  nothing.
 
And i agree with what you are saying in the rest of your post.  i was actually advocating kindness in responses....instead of attack.  Hope that's clearer.
 
Be well  
 
DG

 



_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to adaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Negative postings - 11/7/2006 11:16:29 AM   
mkswing


Posts: 25
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		dont worry about that. some people like posting negative things.

(in reply to PiercedDaz)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Negative postings - 11/7/2006 11:52:59 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: adaddysgirl

As a female (and probably others here can relate to this as well), i have good friends and family members that have been in abusive (or just very unhappy) relationships.....who call when they need to cry.  In reality, we both know what they need to do...but it seems they have just not quite reached the point of doing it yet.  Frustrating?  Yes!  Would i turn them away even after time and time again?  No!  But most importantly, would i ridicule them in some way when they are sharing this with me, regardless of how redundant it may seem at the time?  Absolutely not!
 
And i find that sometimes people are not really looking for solutions....they are merely venting.  i've done that myself at times.  Big difference. 

DG


DG please forgive me for deleting the stuff that was not applicable.

Call me a cold hearted bitch but I am one of those people that will not sit and listen to a friend or family member bitch moan and whine repeatedly about the same issue. I don't want to hear it. Granted, the first time, I am very sympathetic, give my opinion or advice if it is asked for, and will generally do whatever I can to help. But, if the person is continually unwilling to do the work and change their own situation I don't have any time for them. I just cannot abide the perpetual victim routine. Especially when it is a situation of their own creation or even worse yet, affecting innocent parties. I cannot stand the repetitive public appeals for sympathy from this type of person and will do my best to avoid them. If I cannot avoid them I generally come across as quite a bitch.

Don't get me wrong, I don't set out to be negative. I am actually a very postive person for the most part. All to often though it seems that people are just begging for a verbal flogging, and of course run whimpering when they actually get it. Which of course makes people like me look like even bigger bullies/assholes. Thats cool, I can take it and I am sure most people that react as I do can. My opinion is that if you don't want to hear the good, bad and the ugly about a sensitive issue then you had better keep it to yourself. If they were smart they would quit getting their delicate panties in a bunch and try to figure out WHY the stuff that bothers them does, what can they learn from it, move on.

Guess that goes back to that common sense idea.....


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to adaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Negative postings - 11/7/2006 12:26:28 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I am with you LaT. I will listen even more than once, I will listen until the person has hashed and rehashed in several directions, but there comes a point that the "victim" becomes the "victimizer" by sucking the life force out of you.

I had a neighbor that I called a psychic vampire. When she was down it was like her whole entire body was slumped over in depression... her entire being radiated negativity.. she was down a lot. I would avoid her like she had the plague because to even say hello was inviting a sea of negativity my way and I just did not want to feel badly after having her inflict her negative energy on me. Now perhaps that makes me a bad person, but I came to the conclusion my feeling badly was not going to help her anyways.. so why go there?

There is being a good friend, and then there is being a martyr. I am not a martyr.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Negative postings - 11/7/2006 12:45:22 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Julia, I completely understand what you are saying, and no, I do not think that makes you a bad person at all.

There really are people that just seem to radiate negativity and the vampire term is very applicable. I remember a while back, one or even several, threads on empathy that really resonated with me. I do have a tendency to open up too much to other's pain and there comes a point that you simply must withdraw for your own survival. However, I am sure that others manage this with more tact than I have in the past.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 60
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Negative postings Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094