Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Polls and Other Random Stupidity



Message

TreSwank -> Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 9:24:38 AM)

         During my younger days, in a fruitless quest to understand the "feminine mystique"..........to grasp the psychological composition of the fairer sex, I read alot of women's magazines.  Elle, Good Housekeeping, Vogue, Seventeen,  etc, were all stacked in my closet, where most teenage boys would keep back issues of Playboy and raunchy Hustler centerfolds safely tucked away from the public eye.

Now, in the hierarchy of publications for women, Cosmopolitan, arguably reigns supreme as one of the most widely-read, estrogen-focused mags.........and my poor brain has consumed more issues of Cosmo than most bored "stay at home" moms.  For years, Cosmopolitan magazine has built their sordid empire peddling makeup tips, sex articles, and dietary plans.

Over and over again, I read the same thing on the cover:  "Find Out What He REALLY Wants in Bed", or  "What His Body Language Means About Your Relationship. (Page 137)"

Do you mean to tell me that they understand US ???????  These articles always peaked my curiosity....that is, until I actually flipped to the page in question, and read about five or six paragraphs of the asinine suppositions ever put forth by the minds of woman-kind. 

"He'd like to see you realize the full potential of your sensuality.  Spice things up by coming up with covert "code-words" for sex, and work him into the mood while maintaining public decency."
 
      WRONG, BITCHES!!!!!! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!!  Fire your sex columnist right now, and hire Yours Truly to tell it like it is.  From now on, men will thank me for spreading the American sex gospel in women's magazines.

If I wrote the "Find Out What Guy's Want" articles in Cosmo, you better damn well believe I'd be one "truth-tellin' " son of a bitch.  Imagine the new,  "What His Body Language Means to Your Relationship" piece as penned by the Swankster.

Lack of eye contact during serious conversations generally means that there is a serious lack of anal sex in the relationship.....which is probably whittling away at your man's self esteem.  Help out by freely offering up your booty for everyday use, no matter what kind of mood you're in!!!!
 
            Or how about this???

If a man seems reluctant to discuss the future of your relationship, or whether a wedding ring might be just around the corner, you'd better stop and ask yourself,  "Have I offered him my ass lately"?  Don't get me wrong girls....the vagina is nice, but can be circumscribing and detrimental to a relationship if not used in conjunction with regular anal sex.  Bring up the issue in a tasteful manner, such as, "Gosh.....I sure haven't had a big, fat, veiny cock up my butt in SOOOOO long."
 
        Maybe women are just relunctant to accept the truth about men.  We're not complicated creatures, Ladies.........at least get it right in the magazines.




LaTigresse -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 9:28:40 AM)

OMG Spanky, you are a delight!



gooddogbenji -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 9:29:00 AM)

I've always said, listen to the Wankster and you're guaranteed a long and hellish relationship.

Yours,


benji



Lorelei115 -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 9:31:41 AM)

LMAO [:D]

You do know how gay this makes you sound, right? Nothin' wrong with that, just sayin. [:D]

quote:

During my younger days, in a fruitless quest to understand the "feminine mystique"..........to grasp the psychological composition of the fairer sex, I read alot of women's magazine's. Elle, Good Housekeeping, Vogue, Seventeen, etc, were all stacked in my closet, where most teenage boys would keep back issues of Playboy and raunchy Hustler centerfolds safely tucked away from the public eye.



LadyEllen -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 9:43:35 AM)

The reason they print so much of this stuff Tre, is that women everywhere wished to God that there was more going on inside a man's head than food-sex-sport-beer (in any and every order, for variable lengths of time), and so women will buy this stuff all the time, in the vain hope that they might be able to see something more by way of its "wisdom".

Its pure marketing - give the people what they want, but never enough of what they want that they wont buy again at ever increasing price. Genius.

BTW, if its anal sex youre really after, then I'm sure there'll be some guys down the public loos right now who'd oblige, but purely on a give and take basis. I wonder whether there's much difference between a guy's anus and a girl's? There's something for you to find out!

E




TreSwank -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 9:53:05 AM)

That's not true!!!  With the exception of the occasional baseball game, I'm not a sports fan.  Now where's my beer?

I'm sorry, but I don't think that I should base my intrinsic value as a person on how I appear to the opposite gender.  While the women-folk obsess about makeup, losing weight, and every cheap emotional trick used to ensnare a man in a web of bullshit, I'll just have to continue living the simplicity and honesty of a man's existence.



mnottertail -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 10:05:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreSwank

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

The reason they print so much of this stuff Tre, is that women everywhere wished to God that there was more going on inside a man's head than food-sex-sport-beer (in any and every order, for variable lengths of time),

E




That's NOT TRUE!!  With the exception of the occasional baseball game, I'm not a sports fan!!!  Now where's my beer?


Seems to me that men are aware of their limitations and with the smorgasbord of titillations out there have filled their plate with only the most necessary of the
life-enhancing thoughts and activities to lead a truely serene and fruitful exsistance.

Cleverly enough, there is some personal tailoring that can take place among this solid core of nourishing soulfood pyramid...........

For instance, TheSwankster is not amenable to the sporting life-pillar and substitutes it with the expert coloring (including tools such as gloves and hoodies) segment.

Another may choose to lose the sporting foundation entirely and choose another life-enriching process or even replace it with larger shares of sex and beer.......

So it is all good, and while not the perfect plan, I see it as time tested and satisfactory in the main.


Caveman Ron  



gooddogbenji -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 10:05:33 AM)

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer.  Seeeex.  Spooooooorts.  Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex.   Foooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.  Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeex.  Spoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorts.  Food.  Beeeeeer.

Yours,


benji



Lorelei115 -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 10:09:12 AM)

quote:

Another may choose to lose the sporting foundation entirely and choose another life-enriching process or even replace it with larger shares of sex and beer.......


Very true. My ex was nothing but food and sex.



TreSwank -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 10:12:53 AM)

That is quite possibly the most insightful thing that I've read in the last couple weeks, mnottertail.  Kudos!!!!



mnottertail -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 10:18:47 AM)

I have noticed that you offer up some good floaters from time-to-time, and thank you.

Now, if we can get the girls out here to augment our oneness of sublime purpose, our sound judgement and iron will,  we can save the money they spend on cosmo, and buy a better grade of beer, thus making the globe a better place to live in for all peoples.

Thanks again



TreSwank -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 10:23:52 AM)

Amen, brutha Ron.  I don't need emotional gobbledegook, and empty phrases to make me feel complete.  Sometimes, I just have to ask myself what the hell women are talking about.  What does "he just didn't know how to love" actually mean?  Do women and gay guys speak this cryptic nonsense just to confuse straight men?

There are times, when I hear actually make up my own nonsense, chick-sounding gobbledegook........especially when I'm drunk......and girls actually agree with it.  I use phrases like "the emotional rapport was strong, but it made me afraid.....and I had to run away.  I guess that I was afraid of opening up", and women actually nod their heads in concurrence, like I actually thought before I opened my mouth and spoke.



ToGiveDivine -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 10:42:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

The reason they print so much of this stuff Tre, is that women everywhere wished to God that there was more going on inside a man's head than food-sex-sport-beer (in any and every order, for variable lengths of time), and so women will buy this stuff all the time, in the vain hope that they might be able to see something more by way of its "wisdom".

Its pure marketing - give the people what they want, but never enough of what they want that they wont buy again at ever increasing price. Genius.

BTW, if its anal sex youre really after, then I'm sure there'll be some guys down the public loos right now who'd oblige, but purely on a give and take basis. I wonder whether there's much difference between a guy's anus and a girl's? There's something for you to find out!

E




With men, absolutely nothing can be going on in their head too.  We do have the unique ability to absolutely have no thoughts at all; so, add "nothing" to the list with the other 3.

When women come to the realization that quite a few men think differently than they do, they will find dealing with us much easier.  It's not a flaw, it's just a difference.

You'll find you can get better responses from us with direct statements (much like how you would talk to a dog LOL) rather than any vague comments.



LadyEllen -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 10:56:29 AM)

TGD - very true. Direct statements are what men respond to it seems, whereas women tend to make suggestions in a questioning manner, which of course the man then takes as a suggestion.

Example

Woman says - "dont you think thats a bit stupid?"
Man replies - "no"

Woman should say - "you're a feckin' eejit!"
to which man would reply - "yes"

E



TreSwank -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 10:59:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

TGD - very true. Direct statements are what men respond to it seems, whereas women tend to make suggestions in a questioning manner, which of course the man then takes as a suggestion.

Example

Woman says - "dont you think thats a bit stupid?"
Man replies - "no"

Woman should say - "you're a feckin' eejit!"
to which man would reply - "yes"

E


Actually, this is the way that it would really go down.

Woman:  Don't you think that's a bit stupid?
  Man:       Are you questioning my cock-wielding infallibility?
  Woman:  Oh, silly me!!! Let me go back to reading my Cosmo!! I promise not to say anything until the next time I need a jar opened.

                          (LOL)



RosaB -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 11:11:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ToGiveDivine

quote:





With men, absolutely nothing can be going on in their head too.  We do have the unique ability to absolutely have no thoughts at all; so, add "nothing" to the list with the other 3.

When women come to the realization that quite a few men think differently than they do, they will find dealing with us much easier.  It's not a flaw, it's just a difference.

You'll find you can get better responses from us with direct statements (much like how you would talk to a dog LOL) rather than any vague comments.



I keep telling my girlfriends this, but they don't get it.  Nothing like a good little dog in my book

Rosa



SissySean -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 11:14:31 AM)

Woman: "Don't you think that's a bit stupid?"
Man: "Woof?"
Woman : "Bitch"



LadyEllen -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 11:18:03 AM)

Could the men here, please translate the following useful phrases into manspeak for the ladies?

1) can you put "Sex and the City" on please?
2) when are you putting out the trash?
3) do you think the lawn needs mowing?
4) could you help me with this?
5) I'm going to the store? (question mark intended)

E



TreSwank -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 11:25:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

Could the men here, please translate the following useful phrases into manspeak for the ladies?

1) can you put "Sex and the City" on please?
2) when are you putting out the trash?
3) do you think the lawn needs mowing?
4) could you help me with this?
5) I'm going to the store? (question mark intended)

E


I wonder why the task of lawn mowing is automatically assumed to be a man's responsibility.   I'm tired of being cast into this "yard-work, tool handlin', woman-protectin' , man's man" role by women.  You know what I want to be?...........a "stay at home" dad.  Let's reverse gender roles for the next eight years, so I can finish out the remainder of my twenties living the easy life.



mnottertail -> RE: Why I'm Smarter than Cosmopolitan Magazine (10/31/2006 11:27:52 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

Could the men here, please translate the following useful phrases into manspeak for the ladies?

1) can you put "Sex and the City" on please?
2) when are you putting out the trash?
3) do you think the lawn needs mowing?
4) could you help me with this?
5) I'm going to the store? (question mark intended)

E


1) would you please change the channel to X, while I get you an ice cold beer?
2)  After you return from disposing the garbage, I want to give you a dog licking peanut butter blowjob, K? (with a real perky attitude)
3) (don't even say shit like that, too touchy feely)
4) acceptable as stated, knowing that you shouln't repeat it if we do not, assume you have been answered in the negative.
5) I have to go get you some beer and I will be picking up some other things, how many cases do you want? And do you want me to pick up (insert mans favorite food here) for tonight?  (see? expansion of the conversation, if it is still on topic is perfectly acceptable.)

That about covers it




Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.03125