LadyEllen
Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline
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LS, your friend must be a wonderful person indeed, just to have stayed with him (I'll use him as its easier to refer that way!). That it meant an end to their sex life is understandable of course, as even in my position I just cant find much enthusiasm in a man appearing to be and behaving like, a woman.
I wont go into the differences between TV and TS (broad generalised terms, yes I know) again, as I have done this about three times on these boards so far anyway. Suffice to say its a whole different matter between occasional crossdressing and living 24/7 as female, when you were born male, regardless of surgery. Your friend's husband seems to fall between the cracks of a simplistic TV/TS division though as I understand it; he wants to live 24/7 as a female, but doesnt want HRT or surgery and in fact wants, or wanted, to continue normal heterosexual sex with his wife as a man?
The exact modern term for this tends to vary a lot depending on whom one asks, but to me this would indicate a TG (transgendered) person, who has no wish to lose his penis through HRT or surgery, but does want to live in the adopted gender as fully as possible up to those limits that do not mean changing sex. The sexuality part is interesting too going from what you said, in that he retains it seems, a male heterosexual sexuality, rather than opening up some hidden gay sexuality or indeed changing sexuality as TS women sometimes find happens to them as HRT and their other life changes take effect. He is not alone in this by any stretch; there are all manner of people in a similar position. Some of these take HRT to develop female features but then use viagra to retain their potency. Some dont take any HRT and are happy as they are. Some from both these groups are gay or bisexual, and some are heterosexual.
The problem for him though, is that heterosexual women in general (that means most, not all OK?) dont seem to find anything erotically or romantically inspiring about a man who appears like and/or behaves like a woman. Its only natural it seems. Meanwhile in my own experience, lesbian and bisexual women dont find anything inspiring there either, for similar reasons.
The problem for her, is that she has lost her husband, the man she loved, and yet he is still there. Its a very difficult situation indeed, there is mourning without end and a constant reminder of what was lost. She loves him still, but he is no more, replaced by another person almost. I can imagine that for the spouses left behind in a gender transition, its rather like living with someone with Alzheimers; the person you knew is there, but no longer the person you knew.
I was married, I had children and was into my 30s before I transitioned. It just reached a point where all that stuff could no longer be held back. I'd done well to suppress it for 20-odd years and thought I was doing well, but a few crises one after another broke open some lock and led me to where I should have been, like some irrestible force. I dont regret the marriage and especially not my children, although it did make me very aware that love is conditional, and though we're still friends I no longer believe what I thought I lost was all that good anyway. I do regret the hurt it caused her though - it was unfair to do that to anyone, though it had to happen sooner or later.
I also regret that the pressure put on me to conform when I was a teenager - by my dad mainly, is what caused me to suppress who I am for so long, and get into a marriage that resulted in hurting my best friend. If I had done transition when I was 19 or 20, then it would have been so much easier for me, and would have caused a lot less hurt than it eventually did.
E
< Message edited by LadyEllen -- 11/1/2006 8:55:42 AM >
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In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.
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Cross-dressing and Acceptance - 
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When he crossdresses he still acts like a man, he does not try to change his voice or act like a woman in any way. 
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