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Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 1:18:52 AM   
gardenbluebird


Posts: 131
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		I am learning. I want others to learn too.

As I find out more about my ex I am learning about how he operates. There are probably many others like him.
I am a strong woman. Smart, well-educated, and on most days nobody's fool. I have been around bdsm for years, but not a serious or public player.

I have a vulnerability that he exploited. I am tired. I support my family, I have a challenging job, I am a caregiver, I had just come out of a difficult relationship. Most of all I want what most female subs want - to be seen as a wonderful beautiful desirable woman.

He earned my trust by providing a safe haven from my troubles. He led me to believe that I could lean on him. I did lean on him, and he supported me.

I had been tested for STDs shortly before and told him that my results were good (which they were). He told me the same and I believed. I believed that I was in a monogamous relationship.

What I didn't know was that while providing me with safe haven he also manipulated me. He earned my trust, then tweaked my emotions, and made me believe that I was loved. The domination and sex was some of the best in my life. It all felt so real and natural.

All the while he was doing the same to other women. Each one thinking that she was alone in his affections. Each one thinking that she had found her prince.

Perhaps it made him feel smart to outsmart an intelligent woman. Perhaps it feeds his ego to think that women love him. What I do know know is that he does this as long as it is convenient to him. That he will lie and manipulate and has been known to leave subs pregnant and alone.

I have spoken with another victim. She had asked for references - which he was able to provide. This is all so very scary, because I don't know who or how to trust now.

< Message edited by gardenbluebird -- 11/4/2006 2:05:29 AM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 4:36:47 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		I don't mean to be unsympathetic but I don't see a question here....  This is just a vent?
 
Unfortunately, you're not the first woman to be duped by some silky-smooth silver tongued philanderer and, esp in this lifestyle, you won't be the last.  Intellect has nothing to do with being smart or not guarding your heart close enough, so don't beat yourself up over it.
 
But one thing I've gotta ask....  If you believed you were in a monogamous relationship, where did he find the time to make a career of his infidelities with others?  At 37, I would think you have enough general life experience to spot the signs of a rat in the room.
 
Time is still the best healer of all - except for how long it can take, dammit!  Good luck....
 
Focus.

(in reply to gardenbluebird)
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RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 4:49:39 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

If you believed you were in a monogamous relationship, where did he find the time to make a career of his infidelities with others?  At 37, I would think you have enough general life experience to spot the signs of a rat in the room.
 
Focus.


Focus, Rat's dont always stand out from the crowd.  Some are quite talented.
Heck I had to check Bluebirds state to see if it was possible she ran into the same Rat I did a couple years back! 

Bluebird, take some time and heal is my best advice...

Good Luck

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to Focus50)
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RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 5:04:54 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		You've been played. It's sucks but that's life. All you can do is wait six month, get retested, and start fresh. After all, you can't keep a good person down. You'll make it.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to gardenbluebird)
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RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 5:12:31 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Quivver
Focus, Rat's dont always stand out from the crowd.  Some are quite talented.
Heck I had to check Bluebirds state to see if it was possible she ran into the same Rat I did a couple years back! 

Yes, I'm well aware that the heart is easily able to override the normally rational thinking of intelligent people.  At some time we all see only what we wanna see.
 
Frankly, and with the benefit of 20-20 hindsight, I'm not even sure why I brought it up.
 
Errrr, you usually give a cap to rats? lol
 
Take care,

Focus.

(in reply to Quivver)
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RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 5:13:49 AM   
Sirandlittle1


Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		Well i dont see a question either, i see a venting of a justified spleen.
You may well be a 'level headed, mature woman' but you are human. And to love freely is a beautiful gift. Dont ever stop giving freely, because you only ever get out, what you put in.
But if you learn its unwise to continue giving to a certain person, find someone else, a friend, not necessarily a partner. Heal your faith in human kind, by chosing wisely, with your new knowledge.
So, you've been seduced. Your not alone.
I bet if you cut that relationship up into 3 bits. A beginning, a middle and a end. The first two thirds would of been a ball. A experience of a life time. Take those 2 bits & enjoy them, , and learn, before you kick the rest to the curb. Then move on.
There are lots of us around, who are genuine people. Honest people. Our ability to spot a frog, is often hampered by our deepest emotional needs. Well, mine is. Your's too by the look of it. Great isnt it? that we can love like that. Give like that. What a positive feature. Imagine someone, who would love you so openly and wholeheartedly? Wouldnt you like to just bathe in that. How desireable are you! Keep making friends. Forget the partner. They will turn up when you least expect them. But keep your eyes and heart open. I wish you all the very best, a speedy recovery and the next part of your journey.

little1

(in reply to Quivver)
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RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 5:22:56 AM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

Errrr, you usually give a cap to rats? lol
 
Take care,

Focus.


I would have loved to Cap mine, but for some odd reason they told me it's against the law here! 

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to Focus50)
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RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 5:25:50 AM   
LordODiscipline


Posts: 995
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		I just see you involved with a philanderer - someone who invoilves himself with many partners without letting them know.
 
I am not sure why he is a "predator" as he did not apparently disembowel you physically (I really think that this word is overused... I have images of someone who takes a person's house, money, and (perhaps) life.
 
Sorry you went through this, but the fact is - there is no way you could have known if this guy is as smooth as you let on.. so, vent away - but, there is nothing here to earmark him as a example to be learned from.. just a cautionary tale.

~J 

_____________________________

"Anyone who thinks they're important is usually just a pompous moron who can't deal with his or her own pathetic insignificance and the fact that what they do is meaningless and inconsequential."
William Thomas

(in reply to gardenbluebird)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 5:28:36 AM   
Morrigel


Posts: 492
Joined: 10/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gardenbluebird

I have a vulnerability that he exploited. I am tired.


Judging by the details and even the title of your post, I would say that you've misidentified the vulnerabilities he exploited.

The major one, and the hardest to swallow:  ego.  You have good self-esteem and a healthy sense of your own worth, based on your personal assets and the many things you contribute to others.  It is completely plausible in your eyes that any man would regard you as special and be willing to give up all others in order to be with you.  Even now, in the aftermath of the experience, you are asking yourself why you were "picked" to be preyed upon and asking yourself what special thrill he got out of deceiving and manipulating you personally.

The answer is:  none.  You were not special in his eyes.  No woman is.  This is why he treats them as he does.  He's not a liar, a philanderer, a manipulator and ultimately a person who abandons those who need him because there's anything special about his victims, in his eyes.  The only person he considers special is himself.  He acts like a narcissistic sociopath, basically--he understands the "rules" intellectually and can manipulate the emotions of others very successfully, but he has no empathic connection with them and he considers himself above the standards that others live by.

Regardless, if you've come out of this without a disease or an unwanted pregnancy, you're lucky--obviously luckier than many--and you might as well look back on the experience as a fun interlude that involved some excellent sex with a fucked-up person.  Given how happy you seem to have been early on, it seems that you know now how you need to be treated and how you would like a man to feel about you; the only trick now is to find the exact same things from someone who sincerely feels, as opposed to someone who pretends.

--M 

(in reply to gardenbluebird)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 5:43:48 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		~ quick reply ~

Sometimes our need to believe (the lies) overrides our good sense.  That doesn't make us bad or inadequate, just stupid in the moment.  You need to find a way to get beyond this poison.  By reliving the events and drowning in emotions (ranting), you are giving him power in your life.  He doesn't deserve that.  Some men seem to enjoy the scenario of nonconsensual polyamory.  You made a statement perhaps he's this, perhaps he's that.....I'm add mine, perhaps he's an immature man.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Morrigel)
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RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 5:51:28 AM   
mignoette


Posts: 15
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline 		I too was taken by a Player, actually in this case 16 other victims have come forward with the almsot exact same story.

I firmly believe These men have a mentall illness. In my case I also ran him through a PI asked for references and he came up clean.  even though I did play a part by trusting too much  I did everything I knew to do at that point. the point is that no matter how well we do try and protect ourselves nothing is foolproof .  Until its happened to You, You ahve no idea how it feels. You feel betrayed and so violated Your confidence in Yourself is shaken and You do not trust Your own judgement anymore. I can completely relate to that. I am now pretty gunshy
When I read this post I thought perhaps it was the same guy that I ran into.
The Question I think is why she was targeted. I can only speak from my experience. I beleive I was targeted because I was a challenge. They seem to have more fun on us intelligent articulate ones. We're harder to "get"




(in reply to gardenbluebird)
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RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 5:56:57 AM   
masterLon3446


Posts: 48
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline 		gardenbluebird,
          we all get duped sometimes, It happens. Not much we can do about it but learn from our past mistakes, Heal from the pain of a broken heart and go forward with life. Predators come in many shapes and sizes and in many forms, Female as well as male, But mostly vanillas trying to pretend they are real, You said he had references, Friends of his no doubt?? not establishments, Such as a bdsm club??? Perhaps you should tell his so called references of your delimma...Actually here on line we all are at risk, We communicate, We talk,  Thats all that can be done online, Then we meet in real time, The same questions are asked repeatedly all should have the same answers as before, We look for red flags waving in the wind, Maybe we ask the same question a little differently that too should be the same answer as before...So many different tricks to use to spot a fake. But, When the heart gets involved it is not so easy to do, Please do not allow the heart to get involved here online, Only in realtime.  When your positive that he /she is the one for you...Now my dear take some time,   Heal your wounds,  Reflect on what has happened, Learn from past mistakes and after a while continue on your journey to find the right one for you. This time if you want and need to talk to let out emotions, Do so with another submissive.... God Bless and take care of yourself...
                                                                                MasterLon

(in reply to Morrigel)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 6:00:07 AM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

They seem to have more fun on us intelligent articulate ones. We're harder to "get"


I'm sorry but this made me chuckle...

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to mignoette)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 6:02:03 AM   
gardenbluebird


Posts: 131
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		This was neither a question, nor a pity party.  I not in a great place at the moment, but I will be just fine.  However, I know for a fact that this man has life more than one life in ruins.  I thought everything was wonderful for 10 months until I ran across one of his victims in a chatroom.  I was presented with the evidence and I immediately got out.

This post was a warning and a reminder.  Sometimes things are not what they seem.  Be aware of your own vulnerabilities and if you become aware of unethical behavior get out.

(in reply to masterLon3446)
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RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 6:02:01 AM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		We all want to feel loved and needed. This makes everyone vulnerable to manipualtive and not so nice persons. I'm sorry for your experience, I guess all I can think of to say is.." Your an intelligent woman, you know what this world is about. It's full of good and not so good people...don't let the not so good people and the hurts they inflict close your heart to further experiencing...its worth the 'risk" to keep it open.."

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to masterLon3446)
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RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 6:13:08 AM   
nikaa


Posts: 357
Joined: 10/13/2004
Status: offline 		If someone preys on vulnerable men or women and uses them physically, finacially, or emotionally are they not predators?

Do STD's not take or alter people lives?  
 
What is the difference between being disembowled and living your life with an uncurable STD or one that kills you? 

None in my opinion other than one is great in horror flicks while the others can simply be horrifying.
 
--------------
Dear OP,
 
I urge you to allow yourself to go through the greiving process. I do beleive there is a loss, perhaps even several. You have the loss of a relationship but also the loss of trust. However, in my opinion if you stop trusting yourself you give him power/control over you even still.
 
In the future I would urge you not to look at ever partner or potential partner with distrust because of what this man did. If you hold them accountable for his actions your relatinships will struggle if not simply fail.
 
Not being able to trust anyone including yourself makes life very hard to deal with. So I hope you can heal and move passed this. I wish you the best.




< Message edited by nikaa -- 11/4/2006 6:14:06 AM >

_____________________________

Blessed Be,

Phoenix's Nika


The Cherokee legacy is that we are a people who face adversity, survive, adapt, prosper and excel.


Wakan Tankan Nici Un




(in reply to LordODiscipline)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 6:20:37 AM   
gardenbluebird


Posts: 131
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mignoette
The Question I think is why she was targeted. I can only speak from my experience. I beleive I was targeted because I was a challenge. They seem to have more fun on us intelligent articulate ones. We're harder to "get"


Exactly!  Call me stupid and naive if you wish, but here is the truth.  I have a mensa level IQ, a university education, and work in a profession the depends on logical thought.  I DO indeed have life experience.  My ex-husband was a rat and I thought I had learned how to spot one.  That experience is why I paid attention to the evidence and got out quickly.  What he took advantage of was my limited time and the fact that I am tired and in need of TLC.

And do I have an ego?  Of course, we all do.  I have a healthy sense of self-worth.  He didn't damage that, only my confidence in own judgment.

A good liar is hard to detect and they have a knack of finding people who least need that in their lives.

< Message edited by gardenbluebird -- 11/4/2006 6:27:28 AM >

(in reply to mignoette)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 6:44:44 AM   
gardenbluebird


Posts: 131
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline 		To Doms - please don't treat this as an invitation.  I'm getting emails from those who would love to step in and fill the void.   I'm taking a vacation from men for now.   I'll be back in the game when I'm good and ready, on my own terms.

I am not one to offer weakness that needs to be healed.  I am one to offer stregth that needs to be nurtured.

(in reply to gardenbluebird)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 6:45:12 AM   
LordODiscipline


Posts: 995
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nikaa

If someone preys on vulnerable men or women and uses them physically, finacially, or emotionally are they not predators?

Do STD's not take or alter people lives?  
 
What is the difference between being disembowled and living your life with an uncurable STD or one that kills you? 

None in my opinion other than one is great in horror flicks while the others can simply be horrifying.


1. The term "predator" indicates aforethought - a plan to "disembowel" or ruin someone's life that was in place previous to the relationship. There is no evidence provided that this was the case. Just that this person involved themselves with multiple people while in a relationship with the OP
 
2. Although the OP mentions something about being STD clear when she wsa entering the relationship - she does jnot state anywhere that she has an STD now... so, that entire thing is rather a specious allegation based on (assumably) her fear that his multiple partner trist-ing might leave her with something that shall be evidenced at a later time... But, even if that were the case - without knowledge that this person involved himself in the relationship knowing that he would stray and be with other people, then "no" - I would say that he is not a predator - just someone who screws around on his partner(s) (a 'philanderer' - as I stated previously...
 
"Predator" has become in the last 4 years the internet pop replacement for the word "abuser"  - Which also was constantly misapplied on line (often by drama kings and queens who were looking for an emotional rather than a rational response to a posting for their own edification and attention whoring ways....)
 
I cringe when I see either of them used, as it takes away from the message by sending a prejudicial signal the the reader that "what is about to be said is internet generated"... and definitively hurts the intended purpose of the posting.
 
YOu can add your own emotionality to this and blow it up to read what you want... decry this "scoundrel" from the highest and commiserate with others about how this "predatory jackel esviserated his prey on the alter of love" - but, it will simply be tripe and 'fodder for the masses' to whine about the injustices of life.
 
One man's observations.
 
~J
 
PS: My apologies to the OP for treating this like a class room example of writing - I am just responding to the reply posting.

_____________________________

"Anyone who thinks they're important is usually just a pompous moron who can't deal with his or her own pathetic insignificance and the fact that what they do is meaningless and inconsequential."
William Thomas

(in reply to nikaa)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator - 11/4/2006 6:49:07 AM   
LordODiscipline


Posts: 995
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		PS:
 
Have I mentioned on this board lately that I am less than romantic in my expectations and views?
 
Wonderingly:
~J                            

_____________________________

"Anyone who thinks they're important is usually just a pompous moron who can't deal with his or her own pathetic insignificance and the fact that what they do is meaningless and inconsequential."
William Thomas

(in reply to LordODiscipline)
Profile   Post #: 20
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