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gypsygrl -> RE: Why I was selected as a target for a predator (11/7/2006 7:52:00 AM)
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I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I can sympathize with the op's feelings of vulnerability and sense of being a target. I'm a single mom in difficult circumstances, and don't always make the best decisions. I'm often driven by necessity and that, in itself, places me in a prcarious situation. So, I can't help but read the op's story through the lens of my own experience. I don't know if what I have to say is gonna make sense, but I do want to share my thought process.
My biggest point of vulnerability is my own need. Thus far, I've always gotten what I needed, even if it hasn't always been what I wanted. Its here that I look at the op's story and think to myself, she got what she needed. It wasn't what she wanted, but, well, life's like that sometimes.
And, if there's any truth to his being a thoughtless philanderer who impregnates women then abandons them, I'm gonna guess he gave a lot of other women what they needed at the time they needed it. Maybe he didn't give them what they wanted, or maybe he gave them something that they didn't want, but well, is there any rule in life that says we get everything we want and only what we want? If there were a rule like that my life would be very different. All I can say of the philander with the information that I have is that he was a player and he played well. He won, they lost. Game over.
So, what was it that the op needed? As she said herself, she needed a safe haven, she wanted someone to lean on and someone who supported her. And he gave her all that.
She also had wants. Again, in her words, she wanted to be seen as a wonderful, desirable woman, attributing this want to "most" submissives. Perhaps she needed to believe she was special in his eyes. And, then what happened? Well, she found out that he provided the same service to a lot of other women.
It's here that I have to think to myself, oh oh. Again, drawing on my own experience, I know that as soon as I get to thinking that submission is some kind of investment in which I'm exchangeing submission for something external to the power exchange, I'm in trouble. Basically, I'm using the dynamic for my own purposes and those that have nothing to do with D/s. D/s become a cover for an implicit bargain: I submit to you, and you love/ support me/ keep me company or something else. The moment I start thinking that, I enter a manipulative game. I become a player and a user and cease to be a submissive.
For me at least, its very hard to stay away from this tendency. Its the premise on which many vanilla relationships are based and is usually functional for most parties involved in such relationships.
Basically, my point is, as I think the logic involved in the op's story, and I think about the times I've involved myself in a similar logic, I lose track of who's using who. All I can see is predator and prey locked in a fatal embrace.
Again, I don't know if this is gonna make any sense, but it is hard for me to make a simple and clear cut distinction between predator and victim then blame one and absolve the other.
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