Monogamy, D/s and you (Full Version)

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adaddysgirl -> Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 10:42:52 AM)

i did a search and know this has been discussed before but there are also new members who have joined since then so i am looking for a broad spectrum of opinions.  If you are tired of the topic, please spare me the critque and pass it by.  If you've responded to prior threads on this, still feel the same and would like to just copy and paste your response here, that would be appreciated too.
 
i am monogamous but i realized early on that there seems to be quite a diversity in the definition of monogamy within D/s relationships.   One of the earliest doms i communicated with told me that he and his main partner were monogamous but that he could play with others....as long as he did not have sex with them.  It obviously did not mean the same to me.
 
So what does monogamy mean in your partnership? 
What is the extent that others can be involved but you are still considered monogamous?
If you do consider your relationship monogamous but do include others, would there be a limit as to how far that can go before you feel the 'monogamy line' has been crossed?
 
This is in no way intended to compare that one's idea of monogamy is any better than anyone else's....or what monogamy should mean.  i am just trying to get a feel of what it means to you and your partner.
 
Thanks,
DG



Kalira -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 10:48:49 AM)

Hmm, interesting.

When Master and I first started talking, he had told me that he did not mind if I was with others; as long as he knew about the relationships. Early on, I had let it be known that I had no desire to seek out others and that I would not do so unless he was with me. NOw, this was MY decision, not his. Since then, the subject has not come up again ( the subject being me looking for others ), yet, if it did, my answer would still remain the same. I have no desire to be with others unless it is something that he decides to arrange.



behindmirrors -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 10:58:05 AM)

My Dom is the only male I will be with in any sexual way in our relationship. Period.
Since I am bisexual, though, he has given me more or less free reign to find a girl to play with- as long as I tell him first and obtain his permission. Thus far, I have not played with anyone else. He is also looking to arrange this for me at some point, since he knows I miss being with a girl sometimes, and, well, he just simply finds it hot.
Do I consider our relationship monogamous? Yes. I do, at least for now. It is the only serious and committed relationship I have and will have. I'm not sure if my view of that will change or not when I actually do find myself playing with another girl, but I guess an update will be necessary when it happens. [;)]

behindmirrors.



juliaoceania -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 11:14:59 AM)

quote:

So what does monogamy mean in your partnership?
 
It means we do not have sex with, play with, date, cyber with, phone sex with, anyone else.

quote:

What is the extent that others can be involved but you are still considered monogamous?


People can watch him beat me and play with me on a St Andrew's cross ... smiles

He likes the idea of whipping me in public, but he will not have sex with me in front of others. I consider us monogamous.




FelinePersuasion -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 11:18:05 AM)

like the one dom you spoke to I can play with others in non sexual fashions like flogging and spanking I may even orgasm by my own hand with no help from them, but I may not suck their dick fuck them or have them fuck me, or put any parts of them into or on me.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 11:42:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: adaddysgirl
So what does monogamy mean in your partnership? 

Monogamy for me means that there is an expectation that the people involved will only have an intimate relationship with eachother.

quote:

What is the extent that others can be involved but you are still considered monogamous?

Anything but intimate- it's not the act, it's the emotions and intent.  They can fuck em, suck em, beat em, talk to em or hug em- as long as they don't form an intimate relationship.

I am not at all monogamous.  Even if I do ever choose to be intimate with just one person, there will NEVER be an expectation of monogamy for anyone.




KatyLied -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 12:15:55 PM)

I can't prove this and have done no formal studies, but I think it's difficult to find monogamous people in the lifestyle.  This is only my experience from talking to others.   But it seems like a "poly" or let's bring in another for "play" is the usual case.



FelinePersuasion -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 1:02:45 PM)

Daddy don't share or bring others in to play normally, but I am a switch and he won't engage me in switch activities, so others have to be brought in.


quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I can't prove this and have done no formal studies, but I think it's difficult to find monogamous people in the lifestyle.  This is only my experience from talking to others.   But it seems like a "poly" or let's bring in another for "play" is the usual case.



MissUnleaded -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 1:08:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

So what does monogamy mean in your partnership?
 
It means we do not have sex with, play with, date, cyber with, phone sex with, anyone else.



Succinct and to the point. 

The same goes for us.



smilezz -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 1:16:49 PM)

I am monogamous sexually with/to Thorns only.  He does not share me with anyone.  Then again, i have no desire for any other Man either.  There is a particular Person that He may allow me to scene with, if i asked, but only for the sake of feeling a new sensation or toy.  There would never be any type of fluid exchange whatsoever in this either. 

~smilezz~



mstrjx -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 1:18:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I can't prove this and have done no formal studies, but I think it's difficult to find monogamous people in the lifestyle.  This is only my experience from talking to others.   But it seems like a "poly" or let's bring in another for "play" is the usual case.


Yes, from my dealings with others, it seemed to be to me that the Lifestyle and 'monogamy' were strange bedfellows.

While all of my relationships were exclusively monogamous (certainly sexually), I was asked to play with many other Doms' subs over the years.  Several of those were married individuals (but not to each other).

For me, I recognized early on that emotions with WIITWD run rather high, and to take chances with someone's feelings to have multiple partners was ludicrous.  Then again, even in my vanilla relationships prior to that I was monogamous.

Jeff



Lady Alaria -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 1:28:12 PM)

I don't do monogamy. Honesty is far more important to me than fidelity, and trust is more important than loyalty. And, in my experience, watching the world, there is way to much paranoia and idiocy around the concept of monogamy. A demand for fidelity seems to, almost invariably, lead to uncertainty of trust.

Besides, I allow my lover friends. People they share their feelings with, hang out with, play sports with, play other games with, laugh with, cry with. Other people, even, that my lovers love. If intimacy is the question, what is intimacy? I have a level of closeness and emotional trust with my sister and mother, isn't that intimacy(Webster thinks it is)? If the question is sex, then why? What's so special about sex? Why allow everything else, and not that?

In the modern day, with STDs, there's a bit of a reason. But aside from that, the reasons all seem to be societal and religious in origin. Don't like it, don't do it.

Nothing against those who practice monogamy, I just have never(I mean ever) understood why anyone would want to.



KnightofMists -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 1:34:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I can't prove this and have done no formal studies, but I think it's difficult to find monogamous people in the lifestyle.  This is only my experience from talking to others.   But it seems like a "poly" or let's bring in another for "play" is the usual case.


That conclusion is actually directly related to your specific definition of Monogamy.  I wouldn't regard the greater part of the community as being poly, since my definition of poly is much more in line with what Lucky has expressed.   

To provide a graphical expression of my views;


                                          Poly
                                             |
                                             |
                                             |
Casual      > Closed------------------------ Open
Connection                              |
                                             |
                                             |
                                         Mono
                                            ^
                                        Intimate
                                     Connection


Intimate Connection reflects to me an on-going relationship which of course includes emotional, intellectual, physical and even spiritually connection.   Causal Connection can as well include emotional, intellectual, physical and even spiritual connection.  But, the key difference is one of commitment between the two dynamics.  In my casual connections my committment is directed to the moment and evern more selfish in nature.  Casual connections are very much an Hedonistic approach to the moment and the interaction with others.  While in the Intimate Connection goes beyond just a hedonistic approach in achieving life long happiness or contentment.    In my Intimate Connections it is much more than just having a good time.  It is much more a commitment to maintain and grow the connection.  There is a recipocal approach in that what I sow, I shall reap from the relationship.

Considering my graphic representation; we will tend to be either poly or mono in our approach to an intimate connection.  I myself am on the poly side.   It should be pointed out that I don't consider it an either or situation.  It's a matter of degree.  My girls, alandra and kyra have a deeper meaning in my life than anyone.  They are very much primary to my life.  While denika is important in our life and a part of our poly life, She is secondary.  When I consider the casual connections... I am very much on the open side of the coin, but there is not complete openness within our connections.  Ie... My girls thou able to enjoy casual experiences will be limited by my permission.  For many... being in a Poly connection or Mono connection.... casual experiences are effectively closed.  It is not an option to experience any sort of physical outside of the primary dynamic.  We each have our own perferences.



Missokyst -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 1:35:28 PM)

I have always been monogamous when I am in a relationship.  That means no play, nothing beyond simple flirting (which is my nature), will happen with anyone but my mate. 
When out of a relationship, however, I do what I like when I like.
Kyst.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

I can't prove this and have done no formal studies, but I think it's difficult to find monogamous people in the lifestyle.  This is only my experience from talking to others.   But it seems like a "poly" or let's bring in another for "play" is the usual case.



SamKeithsslave -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 1:37:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: adaddysgirl

So what does monogamy mean in your partnership? 
What is the extent that others can be involved but you are still considered monogamous?
If you do consider your relationship monogamous but do include others, would there be a limit as to how far that can go before you feel the 'monogamy line' has been crossed?


Monogamy for me means no sexual contact, either physical or mental with anyone outside of my relationship. However, I've been there, done that, and monogamy just doesnt seem to be natures way. Very very few species in the world will choose a mate for life.
My Master will not "share" me with other men, however I am permitted to "play" with other women, with or without him present, as long as he is aware it is happening. I'd prefer to play with him present, thats my choice. I'd feel as though I was cheating, even if he knew about it, if I played without him there.
I think you can be truly committed to one person and be theirs and only theirs and still have outer-relationship sexual meeting with others.



daddysprop247 -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 1:37:20 PM)

yes it does seem like there are many different ideas of monogamy. occasionally i will describe my Master and i as monogamous, because even though he and i are both physical with others, if i say we are not monogamous many people assume that the relationship is not as committed or as serious. sexually, we're not monogamous. but yes we're deeply committed to each other, very faithful to one another, and we don't believe in polyamory (a commitment between more than 2 people).

He is the sort of Master who likes to show off and share what he owns...it makes him proud and gives him a great deal of pleasure. so others will use me sexually, and sometimes in a bdsm fashion, whenever he gets the urge. it is not about my pleasure or me wanting to be with others...he doesn't really care about such things. it's about serving him and being the sort of slave he needs and desires (a total slut). as for him being with other submissives, it's rare but it does happen. that's totally none of my business...He owns me, not the other way around. He can use or play with whoever he desires.



DomKen -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 1:45:24 PM)

A very complicated subject.

I don't cheat, ever. Never have and can't imagine ever doing so. I don't tolerate my partner cheating on me.

However I'm not monogamous. As long as everyone involved is honest and respectful I have no problem with myself or my partner sweating and groaning with someone else on occasion.



Lordandmaster -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 1:47:19 PM)

Monogamy refers to something I don't do.

quote:

ORIGINAL: adaddysgirl

So what does monogamy mean in your partnership?



spankmepink11 -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 1:57:15 PM)

In my eyes, and hopefully that of any potential partner, there are two types of monogamy. The physical, and the emotional.  While i strive for an emotionally monoganous ( which is the emotional intimacy, and the sense of belonging to just One) relationship,  i'm quite open to the absence of physical momnogamy and search for Partners with similiar views on the subject.



slavemaia -> RE: Monogamy, D/s and you (11/22/2006 2:19:01 PM)

quote:

So what does monogamy mean in your partnership? 
What is the extent that others can be involved but you are still considered monogamous?
If you do consider your relationship monogamous but do include others, would there be a limit as to how far that can go before you feel the 'monogamy line' has been crossed?


For Master and this slave, monogomy is just as it appears - W/we have no erotic, sexual or sensual experiences beyond U/us. He is very possessive of me and, i must admit i like it alot.
 
Prior to being owned by Chairman, i did try a poly relationship where there was "supposed" to be monogamy among the 3 of us. But, human beings being what they are, some jealousy did come into the picture, as well as confusion. That particular dom very much enjoyed playing with whoever he wished but agreed not to be sexual. However, my question is - how exactly does one play with another without it being sexual to some extent? For me, play itself is quite sexual whether the particular body parts are involved or not. Sex for me is primarily in my head more than the physical parts, so i've never truly been able to understand the term "play without sex".



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