Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Controlling Yourself


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Controlling Yourself Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 4:58:56 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I often see this concept of "If a dominant is not in control of themselves then they cannot control anyone else."  I agree with it to a point.  However, I also think the flip side is just as relevant.  If a submissive is not in control of themselves then they do not have any control to give any one else.

What do others think of this?  Do you think that both need to be in control of themselves to build a healthy relationship or does that responsibility lie solely with the dominant?

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 5:05:29 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		All relationships are at least a two way street (maybe a seven corners like Boston, dunno).

I think often you see people who take the concept of 'in control of themselves' way to pedantically and outrageously.  Dominance is put on a higher pedastal  than the virgin mary can immaculate to. 

I probably shouldn't post my views on this, because just the other day I was sneezing uncontrollably and the kinksters were right there to jerk my union card.

Ron


_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 5:10:06 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		For a healthy relationship, i think both need to be in control of themselves. i know that there probably will be some submissives who say, going in to the relationship, they were completely out of control and their Dom has changed all that. While i am not debating that such can occur, i think that the likehood of a healthy, sustaining relationship is greatly increased, if both are in control of themselves.

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 5:10:10 AM   
MmakeMme


Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
Status: offline 		Oh my heavens, kyra. If a sub / slave is not in touch with and in control of herself, then her submission is of no use. I totally agree.

_____________________________

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 5:15:01 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Ok i hope this comes out right !!
I'm not always in control of myself and in my opinion i don't think anyone is all of the time. I personally find control of myself much easier when i have an outside influence to guide me. I've always been one to act first, think later but with outside influence always find myself much more likely to stop and think.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to MmakeMme)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 5:15:37 AM   
impetuousone


Posts: 31
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I often see this concept of "If a dominant is not in control of themselves then they cannot control anyone else."  I agree with it to a point.  However, I also think the flip side is just as relevant.  If a submissive is not in control of themselves then they do not have any control to give any one else.

What do others think of this?  Do you think that both need to be in control of themselves to build a healthy relationship or does that responsibility lie solely with the dominant?

Knight's kyra


I agree, kyra, absolutely!  Both need to have a clue as to who and what they are, not just a wish to contol or be controlled.  As has been stated time and again, this lifestyle is not a game! 

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 5:18:56 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Ok i hope this comes out right !!
I'm not always in control of myself and in my opinion i don't think anyone is all of the time. I personally find control of myself much easier when i have an outside influence to guide me. I've always been one to act first, think later but with outside influence always find myself much more likely to stop and think.


i think i understand what you are saying here, as i have areas in my life that i find easier to control when i have an outside source expecting me to control that part of my life. But your answer does raise a question, which is, would you consider yourself to have no control over your life, or are most of the areas of your life under your control?

Hope that was okay to ask.

heartfelt

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 5:34:33 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Ok i hope this comes out right !!
I'm not always in control of myself and in my opinion i don't think anyone is all of the time. I personally find control of myself much easier when i have an outside influence to guide me. I've always been one to act first, think later but with outside influence always find myself much more likely to stop and think.


i think i understand what you are saying here, as i have areas in my life that i find easier to control when i have an outside source expecting me to control that part of my life. But your answer does raise a question, which is, would you consider yourself to have no control over your life, or are most of the areas of your life under your control?

Hope that was okay to ask.

heartfelt


I have full control over my life to a certain extent. It is just that i do not behave in a controlled manner when dealing with certain aspects at certain times. Financial matters  and  behaviour in general would probably be my loss of control areas.
I am currently talking to a Dom/ Master (my god) and he has had a great effect on my behaviour etc whether he knows this or not. My need / want to please him and not behave in any way he would not see fit keeps me under control in the main.
Hope this helps.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 6:14:06 AM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
I often see this concept of "If a dominant is not in control of themselves then they cannot control anyone else."  I agree with it to a point.  However, I also think the flip side is just as relevant.  If a submissive is not in control of themselves then they do not have any control to give any one else.

What do others think of this?  Do you think that both need to be in control of themselves to build a healthy relationship or does that responsibility lie solely with the dominant?

Knight's kyra


Great topic Knight's kyra, Is anyone always in total control of anything?  Is anyone perfect?  To me, I am happy when I see evidence of someone trying, being sincere and being honest.  I look for many traits in a submissive, but perfection is not a trait I seek.  Also, I am not perfect, nor do I want the pressure of having to feel I must try to be perfect.  Most people that are sane, do the best that they can.   
I think many have unrealistic expectations on both sides of the fence.  Submissives that seek the "perfect" Domina, and Domina's that seek the "perfect" submissive are both living in fantasy land.  In fact, I try my best to avoid extremly judgemental people, life is just to short.   If any one knows a perfect Domina or submissive, please let me know.
Happy Holidays

< Message edited by MzMia -- 12/9/2006 6:19:06 AM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 6:20:28 AM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Ok i hope this comes out right !!
I'm not always in control of myself and in my opinion i don't think anyone is all of the time. I personally find control of myself much easier when i have an outside influence to guide me. I've always been one to act first, think later but with outside influence always find myself much more likely to stop and think.


I am probably the polar opposite of this.  I wish I was less of a thinker and less controlled actually. I think I go through my life being entirely too cautious.  Though the change came over me when I became a mother.  i could really see a marked difference in my ability to take 'risk'. I used to be more care-free.  Some day, I fully expect to lose control again. lol.

On edit and more in keeping with the topic, I believe in a Ds relationship (as in any other type) both parties need to be repsonsible for their own control or behavior to a great extent.  Otherwise it's no different than parent/toddler, in my eyes.

< Message edited by marieToo -- 12/9/2006 6:22:46 AM >

_____________________________

marie.


I give good agita.









(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 6:23:21 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marieToo

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Ok i hope this comes out right !!
I'm not always in control of myself and in my opinion i don't think anyone is all of the time. I personally find control of myself much easier when i have an outside influence to guide me. I've always been one to act first, think later but with outside influence always find myself much more likely to stop and think.


I am probably the polar opposite of this.  I wish I was less of a thinker and less controlled actually. I think I go through my life being entirely too cautious.  Though the change came over me when I became a mother.  i could really see a marked difference in my ability to take 'risk'. I used to be more care-free.  Some day, I fully expect to lose control again. lol.




we are opposites lol. My having a little one never changed my ability to take risks. Irresponsible ? Maybe!!

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to marieToo)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 6:23:51 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		I think a D/s relationship is a mutual one. For it to be a good successful relationship both should be mature and in control. We all have moments when we aren't. That isn't to say that we should be in control 24 hours and never make a mistake. That isn't possible. We all see on the forums those Dominants or submissives that have alot of drama in their lives and no control. The seem to have alot of problems in the relationship. I think it works both ways.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 6:23:58 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you missturbation, your answer helps very much, and i think that you and i are a somewhat similar, there are areas that i don't control as well as others, on my own i mean. i can start out controlling them, and then the will power to stay in control wanes, but if i am controlling them because someone else has told me to, that helps me stay the course so to speak. But i do not, nor does anyone who knows me consider me a person who is out of control in any way, shape or form.

heartfelt

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 6:27:05 AM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

What do others think of this?  Do you think that both need to be in control of themselves to build a healthy relationship or does that responsibility lie solely with the dominant?

I would say both need a measure of control.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 6:30:43 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Your welcome
I too don't think i'm considered out of control by my friends or those who know me - maybe i ought to check lol.
I too lose the willpower to control my actions etc - all good intentions but ...... lol.
 

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to heartfeltsub)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 6:55:26 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I do my best to be a mature, responsible adult. There will always be room for growth and improvement. I don't expect anyone else to be responsible for me and my life. I am a human being with faults and foibles. I accept myself as I am while actively seeking personal growth. I believe that is the purpose of life from beginning to end, to grow and learn.

In a potential S.O. I want to see the same qualities. I am not here to save anyone from themself. I expect that each of our place in the relationship to enhance one anothers life, not fix it.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 6:55:59 AM   
HollyS


Posts: 230
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline 		Hi kyra,

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I often see this concept of "If a dominant is not in control of themselves then they cannot control anyone else."  I agree with it to a point.  However, I also think the flip side is just as relevant.  If a submissive is not in control of themselves then they do not have any control to give any one else.

What do others think of this?  Do you think that both need to be in control of themselves to build a healthy relationship or does that responsibility lie solely with the dominant? 


Pretty much any time one person is solely responsible for the health and well-being of the relationship, its doomed to fail.  So when you said that both partners need to be "in control of themselves" (and I agree with you), to me that means emotionally maturity -- being open, flexible, empathic and genuinely concerned for the other's welfare, even when it's really hard.

For a long time I've said that for there to be a genuine power (authority) exchange, a submissive needs to be powerful in the first place. Personal power...you have to have it to give it up. And when someone else really wants it, it’s that transfer and acceptance of desire that amounts to submission.

JMO, of course.

~Holly

< Message edited by HollyS -- 12/9/2006 6:56:29 AM >

_____________________________

I wish my lawn were emo, so it would cut itself.

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 7:01:55 AM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I do my best to be a mature, responsible adult. There will always be room for In a potential S.O. I want to see the same qualities. I am not here to save anyone from themself. I expect that each of our place in the relationship to enhance one anothers life, not fix it.




Exactly.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 7:02:17 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I often see this concept of "If a dominant is not in control of themselves then they cannot control anyone else." I agree with it to a point. However, I also think the flip side is just as relevant. If a submissive is not in control of themselves then they do not have any control to give any one else.

What do others think of this? Do you think that both need to be in control of themselves to build a healthy relationship or does that responsibility lie solely with the dominant?

Knight's kyra



I think that if we waited for each person to be in control of him/herself 100% of the time, we'd never do any of this stuff at all.

I think it is a mature person who can be working on their own lives and be strong in their own life and be honest about it. Personal I only do BDSM with mature people.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Controlling Yourself - 12/9/2006 7:55:40 AM   
MasterNdorei


Posts: 658
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail
I probably shouldn't post my views on this, because just the other day I was sneezing uncontrollably and the kinksters were right there to jerk my union card.

Ron

quote:


 
Ummmmm maybe that is because of where you carry your union card?
 
Smiling Sweetly,
Master's dorei

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Controlling Yourself Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078