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Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 3:32:03 PM

LordIncantatore

Posts: 22
Joined: 12/12/2006
Status: offline

Ok well the first time in my BDSM life anyway. Ok where to begin? I am a Dom and have been in and out of the lifestyle for years, about 5 or 6 years of active participation so I am not completely new. Recently I was engaged and now I am not, yes I have an ex-wife as well, and over the years have just come to the conclusion that I really just suck at monogmous relationships (no I never cheated on my wife or fiance), but at this point in my life I really cannot seriously consider a lifetime commitment to anyone. So far so good, I have all this figured out so far. I also really enjoy this lifestyle, being a Dom is simply put, in my nature it is the way that I am.

The problem I am having is dealing with potential subs. I go wayyyyy out of my way to repeatedly make sure that they understand that they will not be the only ones in my life. I am compulsive about this as it would never be my intention to mislead or hurt anyone (ok well, but you know what I mean). I let them know that I am not into just "casual" play, nor do I drift to the opposite extreme of a poly relationship. I also let them know that when I am with them, I will care deeply for them, I will love them, I will do everything that a responsible Dom would do. I do explain that I am not the type to "fall IN love" with them or anyone.

So far so good......

There are several potential subs that I speak with on a daily basis that at the beginning said they were completely fine with what I desired and we have gotten pretty close as far as you can talking online. Our interests are the same, they have captured my attention (which is not an easy thing to do), but lately 1 or 2 of them have started to act like the jilted lover anytime I am chatting with more than one of them and my responses take longer than they should.

Now I know the solution is easy, just explain to them as nicely as possible that we really arent compatible after all. My dillema is coming from, is there something I should be doing different to see to it that this doesnt keep happening. I know it is going to hurt them if I now tell them, nevermind it wont work when up until now we were really a great match. I know what I am seeking is not "wrong" as that is the beauty of this lifestyle choice. Feel free to look at my profile and see if maybe I need to reword it somehow, or any other suggestions are greatly appriciated.

Post #: 1

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 3:37:07 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Just because someone says they're poly doesn't mean they won't experience emotions like jealousy. What's probably going on are issues about "being replaced". They need to be at a level where they can look inside and see if they can pinpoint where their feelings are coming from...and discuss them with you so that you can then take appropriate steps. Some people need to have certain things that you do together that are just yours, for example and giving them that is an easy things to so, usually. Just because we're poly doesn't mean we give up the desire to want to feel special.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to LordIncantatore)

Post #: 2

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 3:43:12 PM

LordIncantatore

Posts: 22
Joined: 12/12/2006
Status: offline

Ok NOW I remember what else I wanted to add, I am not "with" any of them yet, I am still just at the chatting online, even as far as having a schedule with some. I mean it really is just at the preliminary stages still as I do not rush into anything. I mean even under normal circumstances I wouldn't expect jealousy at this stage. I would understand if I was in a "relationship" with any of them and could deal with it appropriately. My major concern at this point is, are there ways I could be any more clear to them what it is that I am looking for?

Oh yes, and congrats on the book deal.

< Message edited by LordIncantatore -- 12/28/2006 3:45:18 PM >

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 3

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 4:46:11 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

From a submissive view:

I am confused about what you wrote so let me see

You are not a poly dom
You are NOT into casual play
You do not want to own anyone or collar anyone
You want to "love" these women when you are interacting with them, and be there for them when they need you on a less than ownership basis.

Firstly, I have no set definitions on what being a dom is or isn't, nor am I judging what you do or want... that just isn't my style, BUT, if a guy I was interacting with said these things I would find them confusing for me. I find it confusing enough that I would probably not continue contact with a person like this because of it.

Perhaps you think you are clear, but what you desire seems to be having your cake and eating it too. You want love and intimacy, but not the ownership responsibilities that this entails. It just does not work that way with most women I know. Some of us do like just a scene partner, but most of us want more if we are really connecting intimately with someone. I do not think there is anything wrong with what you desire per se, but I see a lot more of this problem happening because of what I have stated above.

Good luck to you though

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LordIncantatore)

Post #: 4

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 4:49:54 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I got the impression that he is wanting to have open relationships, but the girls he's not yet met are jealous of each other or the time he spends on-line with them.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 5

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 4:50:29 PM

whisperedsighs

Posts: 349
Joined: 11/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LordIncantatore

I also let them know that when I am with them, I will care deeply for them, I will love them, I will do everything that a responsible Dom would do. I do explain that I am not the type to "fall IN love" with them or anyone.

So far so good......

There are several potential subs that I speak with on a daily basis that at the beginning said they were completely fine with what I desired and we have gotten pretty close as far as you can talking online. Our interests are the same, they have captured my attention (which is not an easy thing to do), but lately 1 or 2 of them have started to act like the jilted lover anytime I am chatting with more than one of them and my responses take longer than they should.

First I understand that you have not met these girls in person yet, but right here you are doing conflicting things. It is frustrating for anyone who is chatting for the person they are talking to online, not to reply in a consistant manner. My suggestion would be, not to be chatting with more then one person at a time. Set aside time that you will spend talking to each one, so that your attention is not divided. I would equate it to being on the phone with you and consistantly having you put me on hold to have a conversation with someone on another line.

< Message edited by whisperedsighs -- 12/28/2006 4:55:49 PM >

_____________________________

oh my god that was so wrong! .... again please!

(in reply to LordIncantatore)

Post #: 6

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 5:55:34 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

You are not a poly dom.
You are NOT into casual play
You do not want to own anyone or collar anyone
You want to "love" these women when you are interacting with them, and be there for them when they need you on a less than ownership basis.

Reviewing what Juliaoceania summarized so nicely here... It sure sounds like you are offering a sweetheart of a deal. Have you considered tossing in a pony? Will you allowthem other males in their lives?

In all seriousness now...what I see is that you offer them no EMOTIONAL security. What you will contend with is competition, jealousy and it won't be pretty.

If a woman offered you the same deal.. how would you feel?

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 7

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 6:10:03 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Lotus - I love that picture of you! Keep it! It connotes "sensible" - and we really need that here sometimes!!

To the OP - Obviously, because what you are looking for requires more "flexibility" than some want to offer, it is going to mean you may just talk to more people before you find it. Good luck! But I wouldn't necessarily think these women are odd in their reaction (although they may be young).

Maybe they need to think about it - and maybe you should tell them that (again) and see what happens. If they don't want to do what you need - be pleasant and move on. Or be more "flexible" yourself. Somebody out there will be what you need.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 12/28/2006 6:17:55 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 8

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 6:18:34 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Lotus - I love that picture of you! Keep it! It connotes "sensible" - and we really need that here sometimes!!

To the OP - Obviously, because what you are looking for requires more "flexibility" than some want to offer, it is going to mean you just talk to more people before you find it. Good luck! But I woulnd't think these women are odd in their reaction (although they may be young). If they don't want to do what you need - move on. Somebody will.

- Susan

Thank you :)

(actuallty, it means I had a boring day and was killing time :)

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 9

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 6:20:24 PM

MySweetSubmssive

Posts: 1139
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline

[/quote]

My suggestion would be, not to be chatting with more then one person at a time. Set aside time that you will spend talking to each one, so that your attention is not divided. I would equate it to being on the phone with you and consistantly having you put me on hold to have a conversation with someone on another line.
[/quote]

This is very much what I was thinking when I read the OP.

If you want multiple partners or an open-relationship, that's fine. However, the chatting with more than one submissive at a time and having it be obvious seems like a way to create a drama-filled situation. At worst it seems like a way to emotionally keep a woman at a distance or off-balance. What little I know about multiple relationships is that each one has to be nurtured and made stable and secure. While you are not in a relationship yet with any of these women, you are giving them a taste of how you might behave in the future, and it sounds like it's not making them very comfortable.

Just my reflection.

MSS

< Message edited by MySweetSubmssive -- 12/28/2006 6:22:34 PM >

_____________________________

"Oh, James, you're such a cunning linguist."

--Miss Moneypenny

(in reply to whisperedsighs)

Post #: 10

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 6:58:01 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I agree, MySweetSubmissive. It's Rude!!
Who wants a Dominant with no manners? Well, maybe it's just me
(I wouldn't)...but I doubt it.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)

Post #: 11

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 7:05:19 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Have you actually ever had four cunts, in your house? It will drive you insane...

While I am an olly olly oxen free kinda guy..........This is the epitome of: be careful what you ask for you might get it..........

You still got your hair, your youth, you live where it's warm, can afford a tie......

It is not a discrete (that is the spelling I meant) thing a poly, you had better be more patient than Job, or have no compunction about murder.

LOLOLOLOL,
Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to LordIncantatore)

Post #: 12

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 7:34:00 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I'm curious- do you want to have long term relationships with multiple people?

If so, it's much smarter to build one at a time, rather than all at once. Let things come to you- don't try building a stable right off. Have a solid foundation and grow from there. You've got all the time you need.

If you don't want to have long term relationships however, then you just need to find people who are comfortable with that. They are rare, but they exist. You aren't looking for subs in this case- you're looking for play/fuck buddies.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 13

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 7:52:34 PM

letmecollaryou

Posts: 28
Joined: 11/3/2006
Status: offline

The difference between online poly play & real life poly play, is enjoying what you do.Get all your subs in your harem,you will have no such questions.I believe so.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 14

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 8:06:36 PM

PrincessAmanda

Posts: 11
Joined: 5/29/2005
Status: offline

I agree with you

My Mother is a PolyDominant of Her house ... Her male 24/7 slave/pet understands that there will be another there 24/7

But the full trick is to love both fully each will have there separate time with Her along with family time But online She would never talk to both unless both of them were also talking to each other in messenger also ..

its the simple trick of making them feel secure ... that each have something Special with Her..

She is not swinger She does not share

She also does not sleep around without a relationship of some sort but both partner/slave/pet also have to get along

there are No secrets ... Open is Open ...

< Message edited by PrincessAmanda -- 12/28/2006 8:11:30 PM >

(in reply to MySweetSubmssive)

Post #: 15

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 8:51:20 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

Well, I hit the 30 in two months, so I can't speak on the midlife thing exactly - but it sounds like after having been saddled with women who didn't fulfill you, you're looking to relive some youth.

It'll get old about the same time that JayZ starts pumpin on da danceflo. Seriously, it won't last long - so live it up while you can. Go out, have a blast, do all the kinky nasty whatever you want for a few months. It sounds like online relationships aren't going to even remotely move quick enough for you (my own experience is that you meet within the week, or you won't within a year.)

As others mentioned, even if you wish to keep up the cyberchitchat, pointing out that you're talking to two or three other girls at the same time is a quick way to get all of them irritated. I type 80 words a minute, so I can usually handle two or three conversations without a slip - but if you type around 35 and have nine flashing windows, obviously you're not going to offer any kind of quality communication.

If you really want to solve the chat problem, use the phone.

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to PrincessAmanda)

Post #: 16

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 9:06:39 PM

LordIncantatore

Posts: 22
Joined: 12/12/2006
Status: offline

Ok well I am glad I asked this here, I would have to say that yes "open relationship" is the best way to describe what I am looking for. As far as it being confusing, don't I know it, it has taken me three years to figure out as much as I have. No I would not agree with the cake and eat it too analogy, as not only am I so not a player, I actually care for those that I am with. Yes, I do want to have fun, but I define "casual" as one night stand I guess which is why I do not like using that label. As far as the collaring or ownership, I dont have a problem with that because I know it is important to feel like they "belong" and it is my belief that it is a Dom's duty to satisfy the needs of a sub to the best of his ability. And aparently I didnt make something clear, I am not looking for, wanting, probably not even capable of a long-term relationship, a poly relationship. And I dont think it is rude or see a problem with talking to more than one of them right now, At the juncture that we are at, we are just talking. They nor I have agreed to anything at this point. I dont honestly believe that their jealousy is appropriate at this time, I WOULD understand it if we had made commitments and I was trying to change things. To me saying talking to more than one is wrong is like saying talking to more than one friend at a time. As far as emotional support, one of the first things I try to make clear that first and foremost we need to be friends and I will be there for them in anyway that I can. And actually the subject of allowing them to play with another man is concerned, that very subject. One lady that I am talking to lives 1200+ miles away and we have discussed that because I know she will have more "physical" needs than I can reasonably accomodate that yes, arrangements of some sort would need to be made.

Please dont get me wrong, I thank all of you for your time and your opinions and you have already given me alot to think about. Maybe what I have envisioned is indeed not attainable.

(in reply to PrincessAmanda)

Post #: 17

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 9:09:50 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Lotus - I love that picture of you! Keep it! It connotes "sensible" - and we really need that here sometimes!!

To the OP - Obviously, because what you are looking for requires more "flexibility" than some want to offer, it is going to mean you just talk to more people before you find it. Good luck! But I woulnd't think these women are odd in their reaction (although they may be young). If they don't want to do what you need - move on. Somebody will.

- Susan

Thank you :)

(actuallty, it means I had a boring day and was killing time :)

It is quite a lovely picture! :-)

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 18

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 9:14:00 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

LI- I think you should stick closer to home and make your relationships primarily offline one. You're already endeavoring into a complex situation in which you have no experience. Why add the difficulties of a primarily cyber based system if you don't have to?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 19

RE: Confused for the first time in my life. - 12/28/2006 9:19:43 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

To the OP: It looks to me like the girls aren't jealous of each other, they are upset that you are trying to juggle more of them then you can keep up with. If you can only handle two, then limit yourself. If I were looking for a poly partner then I wouldn't enjoy constently being told "Sorry I'm slow, I'm talking with the other girls as well." Evidently, you can't keep up with three (or whatever number) of IM conversations at one time. So admit it and say "Sorry, I'm already full up, but I'll call you later". Being a poly sub doesn't mean you can no longer want quality time after all.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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