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I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 2:12:38 AM   
scottjk


Posts: 335
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Some of you have seen some of my postings. Some of you I respect, some I find down-right goofy. :)

I have a confession and I have a really serious question.

I am ADHD, and I'm having a hell of a time with it. In fact, I'm having self esteem issues because of it.

Here's some background.

It's been undiagnosed most of my life. The outdated diagnosis has been Hyper-activity.

Some of the problems involved with undiagnosed ADHD include social isolation, failed relationships, repeated job failures and so on. Even post-education is a major issue. Learning on our own is a monumental roadblock for us, depending on the type of ADHD (there are six basic types, by the way)

I'm seeking help, and that isn't easy either. <chuckle> The paradox for ADHD people is actually getting to our appointments on a regular basis. Trust me, it's more than a challange! :) I'm hoping that once I start getting to those appointments, life will improve. (Talk about a prayer that NEEDS an answer)

In spite of all this, I consider myself exceptionally empathic, have a strong sense of honor and responsibility and I know, without any doubts, I'm dominant. However, that creates a paradox within myself.

Here's the paradox. A dominant is more than a sadistic streak. Far, far more, as I'm sure you all will agree. There's an enormous amount of responsibility involved. But because I'm ADHD and struggling with life in general, I have serious doubts in being a provider of security, a trait that all subs and slaves desire in spades.

Honestly? Failure is a part of my life in respect of being a provider of security. I'm trying to change that, but does that mean that I must reject d/s relationships until I (gods I hate this term) "master myself"?

Do I have to turn my back on this lifetyle and my search until I present the 'ideal' of a dom?

If not, how do I present myself as a dom while I'm struggling with all this?

Gang, I'm at the end of my rope. I'm an honest and loving man in search and I just don't know how to present myself as a viable dom and I have doubts that I can.

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 2:21:01 AM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		"Do I have to turn my back on this lifetyle and my search until I present the 'ideal' of a dom?" This sounds like a contradiction to me.  If you are improving yourself and gaining the tools you need to be a dominant, then you haven't turned your back on this lifestyle or your search.  You are only growing into your dominance and gathering the skills you need to enjoy yourself and your partner in a D/s dynamic. So many people take on relationships when they are simply not ready for the responsibilities they demand.  I've done it and people have done it to me.  It is called a learning process, because there's a process involved and skipping steps has never worked for me or anyone else I know. 

_____________________________


"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to scottjk)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 2:27:38 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		I don't know...you've been totally honest and upfront here...can't you do the same in your relationships?  Yes, we value security but we value honesty, honor and integrity as well.  I think you should be able to find someone who will understand and accept you as you are...warts and all...just as we all want to be accepted.

(in reply to scottjk)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 2:52:56 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		Scott

It must have taken some courage to write your post - congratulations.
Do you feel that to be a dominant a person has to be fully able to provide for themself and their sub?  Has to have all of their shit together? Is it a sub's duty to depend on the dom for total security?  smiles....let me tell you a secret, not too many people in the world are perfect.  What probably makes them better at living their lives in bdsm is that they know that they are not perfect, they are working on the parts of themselves that they wish to improve (eg for you. attending counselling, new meds if needed, daily goal setting, ) and more importantly, they are honest in telling others important to them that they have some areas in their lives to work on.  Be honest in your search for a sub, I am sure that there will be some that will be drawn to your honesty and would be interested in working along side you as you take the steps needed to improve your life.

Happy New Year

Mel

(in reply to scottjk)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 2:55:05 AM   
leatherorlace


Posts: 215
Joined: 2/21/2005
Status: offline 		HEXZACTLY!
 I agree with, june;you've recognized, identified and seem to be making some real effort to gain the tools to deal with the problems that attend the ADHD's.
I can relate with the appointment problems since, I suffer from PTSD, and an attitude that developed from close association with humans that taught Me that most of those that express an opinion, on most any subject, but especially any that are judgemental of others kinks, aren't worth the breath that it took to utter their skewed reasonings and moralsitic rants and I certainly shouldn't expose My shortterm memory loss to their rnts and possibly waste grey matter storgae units that would be better utilized on remembering where, I live. lol
   There are many many people that aren't perfect, and many of us that are flawed no matter how slight, realizing that there is a condition that could cause problems, addressing the treatments available, and truthfully informing anyone that you're entering into a deeper conversation with that you're slightly imperfect, no longer a virgin, and slightly Pagan in your spiritual path, have a serious affinity for fine buttcheeks on a woman, and sometimes miss a toenail clipping when you're rushed. I have issues with accepting that, I'm not immortal, that the god's may not appreciate My slightly skewed methods of worshipping them, my refusal to accept that, I may never reach godhood without bribing some earthly intermediary, nah, My god's have higher standards.weg
   Seeking advice after presenting some relevant commentary that told that you were seeking a honourable solution kinda-sorta tells Me that you already know the path that you need  to follow. Self-respect should be important to everyone, and seeking advice shows your good intent. Good luck with your search.
Bright Path
Gentry
quote:

ORIGINAL: junecleaver

"Do I have to turn my back on this lifetyle and my search until I present the 'ideal' of a dom?"
 
This sounds like a contradiction to me.  If you are improving yourself and gaining the tools you need to be a dominant, then you haven't turned your back on this lifestyle or your search.  You are only growing into your dominance and gathering the skills you need to enjoy yourself and your partner in a D/s dynamic. So many people take on relationships when they are simply not ready for the responsibilities they demand.  I've done it and people have done it to me.  It is called a learning process, because there's a process involved and skipping steps has never worked for me or anyone else I know. 

(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 3:25:24 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Just reading the few posts here...you've gotten your answer.  Good luck

(in reply to leatherorlace)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 3:32:55 AM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline 		i just wanted to write and show my suport, my Dom have ADHD and i have Aspergers syndrome, ofcourse this creates issues for us, including lifestyle issues, but those problem can be worked out. Only you can deside for yourself if your condition is bad enough as to hinder you from being a Dom, but as long as you dont get overeager and hurt your sub, or get distracted and leve her tied up to long, basicaly as long as your condition dont pose a risk to somone`s health i dont see a reason why you could not be a good Dominant. ADHD is not a horrible plauge, it is just thinking a little different. Us on Autisem spectre disorders however can often find it dificult for others to understand why we have problems whit such and such, we think differently, but it is nothing to be ashamed of, we are diferent, not less worth, and difrent can be good.

(in reply to bandit25)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 3:39:54 AM   
Gem


Posts: 100
Joined: 2/11/2004
Status: offline 		Brightest Blessings
 
Man is ADHD, to say it makes life interesting is an understatement! :) One of my services to him is to understand the ADHD, to keep him on track, ( to take LOTS of deep breaths LOL). While he controls our lives, he tells me everything, so that I can later remind him. He gives orders once, and it is my job to make sure they are carried out. I

Micro-management is not something that works in a ADHD world, the intent/desire might be there but the git er done is missing from the ADHD brain. Conversations can be fun as well, we will often times be in deep conversation, when he suddenly gets up and walks out of the room, I have learned to follow him talking all the way. The great thing about ADHD is they can have a million things going on at once :). Embrace your ADHD, it allows you to be creative, it allows you to think outside the box, it allows you to find out interesting things. Find new ways to communicate ( our code word for when he is overloaded, is who is the Lt Governor of Idaho)
 
 
One of the best things a ADHD can learn, don't be so hard on yourself, understand your ADHD, if this means drugs and thearpy then do it, if it means mantras, or finding somebody who will serve you understanding ADHD. My work load sometimes is doubled because Man can not stay on simple tasks ( the famous we were packing up to move, and he started packing up the linen closet, I came out 2 hours later to find a half packed box and him on the computer because he thought of something looked it up, and then got lost :) )
 
Embrace your ADHD, it allows you to be creative, it allows you to think outside the box, it allows you to find out interesting things. Find new ways to communicate ( our code word for when he is overloaded, is who is the Lt Governor of Idaho). Always be upfront with potential partners, never hide it. As you embrace it, and understand it more, you will grow to not resent it so much.
 
In this long rambling post I just want to let you know that it is very possible to be a Dom or Owner while living with ADHD, you just need to find the right match up. 
 
You can e-mail me back channel if you want to talk more in-depth on this
 
Blessed Be
Gem
 
 
 
 
 
 

(in reply to scottjk)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 4:48:52 AM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline 		For me and my Master our biggest probelm is that i need to almost physicaly kick him out the door when he is to do somthing, in some ereas of our lives i most be the boss, but even that is a service to him as that is a way to get him to do what he must, he need somone to give him a kick in the ass somtimes, but it ofcourse do put a strain on the D/s dynamic somthing we are talking alot aboute and trying to find a way to solve.

But then i also have problems he must be patient whit, he can not jsut send me out on an errand becouse one of the symptoms i have is that i can not find my way alone, i need to know a way complty by harth by having walked it many times before i know it properly, i also get angsiety at evenings and ha need to stay home whit me. We have some problems, but we still have a rewarding relationship and there is no reason the OP could not either.

i just wanted to add that to the tread.

(in reply to Gem)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 5:11:34 AM   
WorldofSilence


Posts: 114
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline 		Hiya scott

As you have had lots of cool replies here and I think you have your answer now, I just wanted to extend a hand in friendship as I can relate a bit to what you say, while I don't suffer from ADHD but more the communication side of things.

But anyhow hand of friendship is extended if you want a natter or what not :)

See I'm a "nice" guy ;)

WoS


_____________________________

"Beware Hearing loss. If found please return to owner.Been missing since 1981. Reward on return"

(in reply to nephandi)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 5:24:52 AM   
Donnalee


Posts: 339
Joined: 7/15/2006
Status: offline 		Mel Levine has written a book about problems with "output" called "The Myth of Laziness"....here is a link that discusses some of it in an easy format:
http://www.allkindsofminds.org/release.aspx?id=29

It has helped me tremedously in dealing with my son who has ADD, who has all kinds of great potential, takes in everything and then rarely does anything about it.  Even the things he's most interested in!  He has a great doctor who specializes in this, and a good school counselor for which I'm VERY grateful.  He just drops the ball.  A lot.  But he's who he is, and he gets to live on the planet just like you and I do. 

I think that besides educating yourself and getting treatment, you might want to gather some materials for your potential partners to read to help them understand it and not take it personally, or take advantage of it.  Some of the benefits to your sub may be the joy you get in re-finding all the neat things you like about her, if that makes any sense.

I once had a friend who sold ugly, crappy used cars on a dingy little lot.  I was always amazed at his high volume and asked him once about how he does it.  He lit up with a bright smile and said, "Theres an ass for every seat and a seat for every ass! I just help the two find each other."  That sticks with me, even years later as a message of hope.

(in reply to nephandi)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 5:31:45 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		ADD or ADHD is not a death nell. It is a challenge. For me recognizing why I was great at beginning projects and sucked at completing them was a gift in itself. I am fortunate in that I don't have a hyperactive bone in my body but the attention thing..oh yeah. For me, it's just learning to change how I think about it. It can be a gift, I am one hell of a multi-tasker. I just sometimes need someone to trail after me making sure all the t's are crossed and the i's dotted. I refuse to use drugs for it, just my choice.

Do I think you need to postpone a relationship because of your ADHD, not necessarily no. Do I think you need to take responsibility for the challenge it will create in a relationship and communicate that extensively, most definately. Example: I refuse to consider taking on a slave that requires a very regimented, micro-managed lifestyle because I know sure as hell I cannot maintain my end of that type of situation. Be very honest with yourself and others about your specific challenges, know your limitations. Then work within those perameters.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to WorldofSilence)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 7:01:54 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		I'm not knocking you in any way, but follow up on the professional help. Make your appointments. Don't try to self diagnose yourself. The whole concept of ADHD is debatable and difficult for the best professionals to diagnose. Whatever it is, it can be treated.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 7:19:22 AM   
patina


Posts: 493
Joined: 9/14/2006
From: no
Status: offline 		I agree with LaTigresse, you need to find a sub who has the qualities you are low in and she can help you as that is her purpose in life anyway. Some one with good organizations skills.  Who can adapt to changes very quickly, and not get flustered.  You take your weaknesses and look for someone who has those as their strength.

ADD and ADHD are so prevelant now it is impossible to not meet someone who has this or some other disorder.  Does anyone know the stat, is it 1 in 3 or 1 in 5 with a disorder?  The thing most people do not know is that if you have ADD/ADHD you most likely will have another disorder along with it.  The thing is we need to quit hiding our disorders and be honest and upfront with them.  I wish you the best of luck in your search of a sub and for control.

Best wishes from another ADD/ADHD 

Patina 

_____________________________

a diamond in the rough

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 7:30:10 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

I'm not knocking you in any way, but follow up on the professional help. Make your appointments. Don't try to self diagnose yourself. The whole concept of ADHD is debatable and difficult for the best professionals to diagnose. Whatever it is, it can be treated.


Just in case I am wrong and this was directed towards me (I would assume not). I had learned very well to cope with my individuality before anyone had a clue what ADD or ADHD was. I don't need any professional help or appointments. I think we, as a society, are already way over medicated. I do not believe in the concept that there is a pill for everything. I think for some people that are other/better ways of learning to deal with the challenges life throws at us. My way isn't for everyone, it just works for me.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 8:20:49 AM   
amaidiamond


Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline 		I was diagnosed with ADD about 13 years ago now, back then not a lot was known and it was not such a high statistic so for a lot of it I had to try and *train* myself out of it, I have got it pretty much under control now but it occasionally shows especially if I've had a drink or too or am stressed or under any type of pressure.
I have had a Dom with ADHD and yes, sometimes life gets a little crazy but people work through things, there are people out there who will stand by you and learn with you and all the rest of it.

Feel free to drop me a mail if you ever want to chat,

dia

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 9:52:48 AM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		I would think that if you tell a potential submissive the truth, then she would
be able to make an informed choice.
By the way, do you think anyone here at collarme is "perfect"?
Do you think there is anyone here that does not have issues?
If so please tell me who they are, I have yet to meet a perfect person walking
the earth.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to scottjk)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 4:16:30 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You are sooo not the only dom out there with this problem.  Specially with the geek crossover contingent.

A good dom recognizes their weaknesses and works with them (and trust me, they all have them.)

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 5:03:54 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

I'm not knocking you in any way, but follow up on the professional help. Make your appointments. Don't try to self diagnose yourself. The whole concept of ADHD is debatable and difficult for the best professionals to diagnose. Whatever it is, it can be treated.


Just in case I am wrong and this was directed towards me (I would assume not). I had learned very well to cope with my individuality before anyone had a clue what ADD or ADHD was. I don't need any professional help or appointments. I think we, as a society, are already way over medicated. I do not believe in the concept that there is a pill for everything. I think for some people that are other/better ways of learning to deal with the challenges life throws at us. My way isn't for everyone, it just works for me.



LaTigresse, I was replying to the OP. I actually agree with you that we overtreat too often.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: I'm an ADHD Dominant - 1/1/2007 5:25:46 PM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: patina

ADD and ADHD are so prevelant now it is impossible to not meet someone who has this or some other disorder.  Does anyone know the stat, is it 1 in 3 or 1 in 5 with a disorder?    


It is not nearly that high if it is actually a disorder at all. Currently, with all the emphasis ADHD and ADD have received, the prevalence is estimated to be 4-8 percent. The founder of JetBlue Airways, David Neeleman, considered it an asset because he could "hyperfocus" and refused to take meds. It is hard to diagnose from a nornal personality variant. Self diagnosis seems farfetched although I will not say impossible.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to patina)
Profile   Post #: 20
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