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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/10/2007 4:31:24 PM

Noah

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Mentors are cool and all but their commercials are kind of faggy, right?

And anyway Altoids totally kick their ass in flavor.

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/10/2007 4:35:58 PM

crouchingtigress

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Altoids? is that a website for kinky robots?

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/10/2007 4:42:13 PM

Fitznicely

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It's the collective term for people who use alt.com

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/10/2007 4:46:34 PM

Noah

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Fitznicely

It's the collective term for people who use alt.com

Hey Fitz, you and CT both rock! We're laughing out loud over here.

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/10/2007 5:04:26 PM

WildGirl8

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For all of the exact reasons stated above. And the very same ones that BDSM has had such a bad rep for so long. "A few bad apples spoil the whole barrel!"

Everyone gossips about the bad stories and the stories always have a way of growing. And those that do do it well also start to get discouraged by the accusations, and so one by one start giving it up or cutting back so there are less and less of the good, knowledgeable people available to assiste us in learning safely.

I've mentioned to my local group that they should start mentoring classes and was told that was not their place to make people go to them. But no one need make anyone. If they were offered, just like a demo is, then people would come and more would learn safely and maybe we would start growing again. Instead of this turn toward secrecy and isolation that seems to be happening again.

Wild Girl ~

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/10/2007 5:51:47 PM

MistressYlwa

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Wildgirl, I think you have a wonderful idea. With the responses I've read here on individuals as mentors, it would seem a safe and responsible way of helping newbies who might hesitate to seek help from an individual.

I, myself, had a wonderful mentor. I have also acted as a mentor. Will concede that an individual who asks for sex, while mentoring, is definitely not a mentor in my book. Nor is a dominate who offers "training". There are a number of programs available, for new people who would like training in dominant or submissive roles. However, personally, I like to train my own. Have my own personal quirks. LOL

Mistress Ylwa

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/10/2007 6:03:01 PM

Lordandmaster

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Or if he's mentoring another dom, an excuse to fuck the other dom's sub.

I'd take that tack myself if I were a mentor. Sounds like fun.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Because all too often a socalled mentor is a dom without a sub who doesn't want the female in question for a relationship, but just as an excuse to have sex with her until he finds someone better.

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/10/2007 8:11:40 PM

juliaoceania

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quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

To me a mentor is a friend or an associate, who you can ask questions of, someone who is living the type a life you want for yourself, some one who's values you admire and who you can communicate easily and honestly with.

thats all.

so why all the hostillity?

I think that mentoring is a wonderful thing. I think that when someone uses that position to gain something from the one that they are mentoring they have been unethical. I think this is the root of what squicks people when speaking about mentors within WIITWD. When one sets out to be a mentor, then they take advantage by using that status to intimately involve themselves with those they are mentoring, well that crosses a line in my mind.

When I was in chat I saw more than one novice submissive "mentored" by a dom that would insist her communications go through him. It was very weird. I think this is what some people envision when thinking about mentors.

Like I said on another thread, mentoring just kinda happens more often than not. You meet someone with experience. You ask them questions, they befriend you. They offer advice when sought. It does not have to be some official "position". I have never sought a mentor, they appeared when needed, funny how the universe works this way

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/10/2007 8:50:08 PM

crouchingtigress

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quote:

I saw more than one novice submissive "mentored" by a dom that would insist her communications go through him.

Julia, that is one of the dorkiest parts of the lifestyle to me....

Trainers, Protectors i dont get it...esp in bdsm chatrooms.... shame those folks give mentors a bad name.....i also think there is a fear that no one talks about that the doms feel threatend by mentors because they think they will scoop up and brainwash read;fuck all the newbies first. Which ofcourse is hogwash...but i still think it exists...i wonder if any one will admit it.

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/10/2007 8:51:40 PM

SimplyMichael

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Lady Hugs,

Thank you for proving more eloquently than I why people who walk around thinking of themselves as mentors rarely have any business doing so.

You wrote (in between insults)

quote:

All who participate on CM, mentor in a way.

I offer advice and ask for nothing in return. You want to mentor someone, you CRAVE that power, that control that being a mentor to someone brings. I offer what little I have freely, knowing nothing will be returned. That is the issue I have with those who think of themselves as mentors rather than simply as someone giving free advice to another. The fact that you are blind to that difference makes one wonder why you feel you can mentoring another about power dynamics.

< Message edited by SimplyMichael -- 1/10/2007 8:52:38 PM >

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/10/2007 8:53:41 PM

ardelle

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greetings

personally, i find mentors to be wonderful people; however there are those out there who do indeed give mentors a bad name. It is important that when seeking out one for advice and guidance that common sense be allowed to prevail.

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/10/2007 8:55:42 PM

SimplyMichael

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Tigress,

I have no problem with the act of mentoring, I have had wonderful people mentor me and I have mentored others. What I have a problem with is those who WANT to be mentors are most often the ones who have the least business doing so. To me they are the equivalent of security guards, what they really want to be is cops, same with "official" mentors, they really are doing it for ulterior motives even if they aren't self aware enough to see those motives.

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/10/2007 9:07:13 PM

crouchingtigress

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micheal i am really glad you changed your name. you never werecrappy dom, and you have a lot of great things to contribute.

one thing i would disagree with though is that mentors are craving power or even anything in return....that has not been my experiance in meat life....most folks i know simply love the life and want to share it in a way that keeps other folks from doing stupid shit to each other.

and i do think we are all mentors in here. even the newest n00bie speaks her or his experiance and somewhere someone learns something new, thats a cool thing.

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/11/2007 4:52:52 AM

MaryT

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My one experience in vanilla life with a mentor left me disliking the word. Might as well just get a dom - less maintenance (and I'm not kidding).

MaryT

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/11/2007 6:25:19 AM

Tanos

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quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
I've mentored other tops/dom/sadists; I've trained bottoms/subs/ masochists. The relationships were quick different.

This is the heart of it for me: lots of professions have the concept of mentors, but
it's always a more experienced peer.

Tanos

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/11/2007 6:29:57 AM

sweetnurseBBW

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I think it is the ones that take advantage of someone that ruin it for the good ones. Seems like we hear alot about those taking advantage of newbies and such. There are alot of good mentors out there. The bad ones make the rest look bad.

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/11/2007 6:31:33 AM

MaryT

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Tanos

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
I've mentored other tops/dom/sadists; I've trained bottoms/subs/ masochists. The relationships were quick different.

This is the heart of it for me: lots of professions have the concept of mentors, but
it's always a more experienced peer.

You are right ... that is how the term is generally used. As opposed to a professor/student kind of relationship where the power dynamics are very different. Or an employer/employee relationship, which is more grooming a protege kind of thing - which is the kind of relationship I was in. A peer or friend would make a more desirable (and probably more productive) mentor ... but then I could just call such a person a friend and avoid the title.

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/11/2007 7:25:38 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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I still argue with people who want to call me a mentor, so I get all prickly at the notion that we are all mentors on threads- I don't want that responsibility for some novice who comes walking up to a board. This is why I will regularly say things like "Your issues are bigger than what this board can help with."

But I've long ago dealt with the fact that I seem to "naturally" inhabit the teaching gene. Ever since I was unanimously voted by an entire class of 7th graders to be the teacher of our communist country, it's obviously not something I can avoid recognizing.

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/11/2007 8:09:42 AM

domiguy

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LA: I was in your 7th grade class( I was held back 12 times...D.G.'s not the sharpest knife in the drawer) and our sweet little Communist country fell into ruin with you at the reigns...We all concentrated on perfecting our bdsm/mentoring skills and our crops lay in ruin in the fields for no one was around to harvest them...So sad.

This is just another thread that D.G. finds slightly "creepy."(not saying that any of you fit that adjective) Where does common sense play a role into any of this?

Back in the good ol' 'nilla days(really weren't all that good) you used your noggin' to determine what you wanted through actual experiences and by watching,reading and learning. You use these same skills in your everyday life whether it be personal/business relationships.

No one ever said, "a friend of your father's/mother's is going to come over and teach you how to screw or touch a boob or perform head....well for most of you that probably didn't happen. You simple lived and learned...and when your "spidey senses" began to tingle you learned to aviod that person and get the hell away from them.

This should be no different. Take your time, don't dive head first into the pool without checking the waters or thickening the plate in your head. If you are into casual relationships, take care...But just don't put your bod into the hands of anyone..find someone you trust,care about...and hopefully they will feel the same about you....The idea of finding a mentor in this is very "creepy."

I eidted this post due to another post that is running...about "Is sex a part of bdsm?' It was fairly unanimous that most people feel that it is....Sooooo what does this say about the possible agenda of people portraying themselves as mentors? My "spidey senses" are "tingling" and they tell me to run like hell and avoid them at all costs!

out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers.

< Message edited by domiguy -- 1/11/2007 8:16:30 AM >

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RE: Why do you think mentors have such a bad rap? - 1/11/2007 8:17:20 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Well I should caveat by saying what others have said- the CONCEPT of mentoring is a very sound and old one. I think the idea of having them in vanilla relationships is a great idea. It never made sense to me to have two completely clueless teens exploring would somehow lead to healthy productive adult sexual relationships. I've always been in favor of older guides and experiences to help the younger ones out.

I'm not against mentoring as a concept. I'm against what "mentoring" has become for the most part in the scene- an excuse, a cover, a crutch. If you know enough to pick a good mentor, you really don't need "a mentor"- you can learn from everyone. If you don't know enough to pick a good mentor, then you shouldn't have one.

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