RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and why?

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RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 1/14/2007 11:07:44 AM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BBBTBW

I vanilla date lifestylers. Be they DOM or sub. Generally the DOM for friendship and/or a bed buddies as I don't switch and generally neither do they...but the sub I tend to delve more deeply. It is very difficult to find subs that will date without getting lifestylely right away so I don't date subs all that much. Its a shame...I would much rather date subs.....

I feel your pain! Funny, I have also found that many submissives
shoot themselves in the foot early on.
They don't realize if they had taken the time to get to know me, and
become my friend.....something more might have happened.
I see them, a year later, still no Mistress, still looking........haha

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to BBBTBW)

Post #: 21

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 1/14/2007 1:07:59 PM

TexasMaam

Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline

I used to. I distanced Myself from the lifestyle for a number of years.

Today, however, I limit new social contacts to those with at least some experience in the lifestyle. I've learned that any long term, intimate relationship with a vanilla male will only leave Me unfulfilled and dissatisfied in the long run.

That's what makes it SO difficult, finding someone with whom I have both social interests AND BDSM interests in common, since My life is about so much more than WIITWD.

TexasMaam

_____________________________

~ My opinions are not necessarily those of the management... ~

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 22

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 1/14/2007 1:19:20 PM

SexyRed

Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline

I just posted something in my journal about this prior to reading this after my Nth discussion with a potential Dom. I think I articulately express what I am seeking in my profile here. I do not limit my search to only D/s sites, I look for opportunities everywhere. My last long term relationship with a Dom was met on a line at a theater in NYC.

What I find difficult and so frustrating, is that on sites like these, many make assumptions based on what they "think" submissive women should behave like, rather than getting to know the woman. There seems to be a dichotomy among dominant men who say that want one thing, (an intelligent, centered woman) and then those same men invariably say, oh, you expressed yourself too much in the initial emails, so you must NOT be really submissive, since you did not fit my preconceived notion of what a submissive woman sounds like.

I find that so many men on sites like this overtalk during the intial stages about what they want, instead of just being who they are and letting that come through naturally.

On the other hand, meeting men who are vanilla in vanilla settings can be a problem in that they might not be kinky enough for me and they often are scared away by my honesty about who I am.

So, I continue to hold out for the perfect blend of a nice guy who lives in the real world but also can live out his and my fantasies together. If I find him here, there or on another planet, I will wait.

< Message edited by SexyRed -- 1/14/2007 1:21:10 PM >

_____________________________

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(in reply to TexasMaam)

Post #: 23

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 1/14/2007 6:28:25 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

Texas Maam, I have learned from reading these forums that it appears to not
only be an issue with submissive males, it seems to be an issue with Dom males.
IMHO, it seems to just be a "male" issue.
I am not bashing men here, I am just saying that the submissive women and the
Dominant women seem to have the exact same complaints.
Think about it.

SexyRed, hang in here. Its not easy, but I hope it happens for you, me and all
of us.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to TexasMaam)

Post #: 24

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 1/14/2007 7:04:26 PM

mymasterssub69

Posts: 566
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

good luck telling a vanilla your lifestyle and that you're a submissive to a Master/Dom. some will immediately think you have low self esteem and confidence enjoying being a sex slave. others will confused BDSM as a sex fad and think you would love be dominated by them - not having a single clue what it really is.

_____________________________

there is something infinitely magical
about a Daddy Dom
...something only a little girl
can understand.

collared on 16th Jan 2007 by bigsambaman, my Daddy

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 25

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 1/14/2007 7:23:01 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

When I was single I dated a lot of non kinky men for a couple of reasons.

One was that I was around more of them -- more to choose from. Another reason was because I *enjoyed* the courting, seducing, and exploring process. I liked seeing the reaction when they found out I was kinky. I liked seducing men and showing them what my fetishes were about, and then coaxing them into trying them. This was incredibly exciting. I got a huge rush from that.

I found that "submissive men" were incredibly needy and often "relationship dysfunctional." What they made up for in open mindedness and kink-readiness, they lacked in social skills and good "take home to the parents" qualities. I never found good relationship material in the "sub dating pool" -- only guys that were pretty decent if I was running the show, telling him exactly what I wanted and not expecting much in the way of initiative.

What I wanted was a good balance between the two. I found it was much easier in a relationship to convert a vanilla guy into a kinky guy than get a kinky guy and teach him relationship skills. I kept more "sub men" as "play only" partners and dated/romanced more with vanilla guys.

Ironically, a nice balance for me in a couple of relationships was a vanilla guy that would not mind me playing kinky with other guys or women. I got my kinky strokes in other ways but had my relationship needs met with him. Took a lot of communication and trust, but it worked well.

Akasha

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 26

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 1/16/2007 3:30:07 PM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KaramelGoddess

Hiya MzMia :)

I often find myself confused. Much of society dictates that by now I should be married with 1.5 kids. Goddess help me, but sometimes that is what I wish for - a so-called "normal" life. But my heartfelt desires and wishes won't allow me to have that sort of relationship.
So, much like LadyLupine, my vanilla dates are purely for sex. I love a submissive man who is devoted and loves to worship, and lets me play, and plays in return. However, and this is blunt... I need a good fuck every now and again.
When I find a man who can give me both - LOL I'll be the happiest woman alive.
~Kara

Whoa !!! CAN I GET AN "AMEN"?!!!!!!!!!!!
Mistress Psy

_____________________________

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. .
Could a blue screen of death constitute being defenestrated?
~Owner of wolf~ (one of them, anyway)

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)

Post #: 27

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 1/18/2007 10:28:56 AM

LadySashayy

Posts: 26
Joined: 12/18/2006
Status: offline

As a Dominant who is currently working out a local relationship with a nilla man who has always had strong submissive tendencies but knew nothing about D/s, I definitely would date a nilla. They'd have to be very oral and very attentive - none of that alpha-male "worship my all-powerful cock" bullshit. In my case with this guy, in our first conversations around male/female dynamics in relationships, he expressed strong desires to see his lady happy and repeatedly beemed with joy everytime he did anything for me that brought a smile to my face.Spoke also of loving the feelings and sensations of giving oral sex and bemoaned the fact that women hate it (wt..? was my reaction)...wanted to know why, when it was so good to give that way for him! In other words, good signs, IMO, of a good potential sub without some of the hangups and "me me" tendences of more established and experienced boys.

So I'm with BlkTallFullfig - I'll date outside of the BDSM community, but only to men who show the "right stuff" for getting into my stuff :-)

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 28

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 1/18/2007 6:07:39 PM

GuidingLite

Posts: 233
Joined: 12/10/2006
Status: offline

I would date a vanilla woman as long as shes open to it.

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 29

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 1/18/2007 7:20:19 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadySashayy

As a Dominant who is currently working out a local relationship with a nilla man who has always had strong submissive tendencies but knew nothing about D/s, I definitely would date a nilla. They'd have to be very oral and very attentive - none of that alpha-male "worship my all-powerful cock" bullshit. In my case with this guy, in our first conversations around male/female dynamics in relationships, he expressed strong desires to see his lady happy and repeatedly beemed with joy everytime he did anything for me that brought a smile to my face.Spoke also of loving the feelings and sensations of giving oral sex and bemoaned the fact that women hate it (wt..? was my reaction)...wanted to know why, when it was so good to give that way for him! In other words, good signs, IMO, of a good potential sub without some of the hangups and "me me" tendences of more established and experienced boys.

So I'm with BlkTallFullfig - I'll date outside of the BDSM community, but only to men who show the "right stuff" for getting into my stuff :-)

hummm works for me....

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to LadySashayy)

Post #: 30

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 1/18/2007 9:03:15 PM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I found that "submissive men" were incredibly needy and often "relationship dysfunctional." What they made up for in open mindedness and kink-readiness, they lacked in social skills and good "take home to the parents" qualities. I never found good relationship material in the "sub dating pool" -- only guys that were pretty decent if I was running the show, telling him exactly what I wanted and not expecting much in the way of initiative.

Akasha

I wonder if you are descibing an architype or a bad dating pool.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 1/18/2007 9:04:59 PM >

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 31

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 1/18/2007 10:45:01 PM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

Do you date vanilla? meaning non lifestylers?

Sometimes, if we have other interests in common and
good chemistry.

Why? Do you enjoy it?
Some of them are good company and good in bed.

Do you tell them about this lifestyle?
Yes, some of them are intrigued and some do not
want to know the details.

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 32

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 1/18/2007 11:17:50 PM

unownedredhead

Posts: 498
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Coupleseeking321
I did and now he's my Dom so go figure. I think it pays to be open to whatever fate throws at you.

That is the sweetest thing I have heard in a long time. Two people found each other even in a strange land.

As for the question, yes I have dated vanilla. Last boyfriend was, if you consider a 6'4, 270lbs, Full tattoed sleaves & back & chest, harley riding, shaved headed man, with a tendency to hold me by the neck when we are out walking or at the pub and who would pull up in front of my home and roar so the whole neighbourhood could hear, "get that ass out here now woman!" then yes I date vanilla.

< Message edited by unownedredhead -- 1/18/2007 11:19:42 PM >

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Kneeling trembling at your feet

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Post #: 33

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 3/31/2007 7:48:14 AM

DrPleasure

Posts: 74
Joined: 9/18/2004
Status: offline

Interesting. I've only dated vanilla and even when I went to fetish parties and hooked up with dommes they actually turned out to be vanilla and not really interested in BDSM play. I think its because I'm always the aggressor in romantic relationships so I don't attract the good domme by coming on strong and trying to lead. What I really need to do is wait for the dommes to come to me... but i'm not that patient. :)

Still looking for that non-vanilla relationship.

(in reply to unownedredhead)

Post #: 34

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 3/31/2007 7:54:34 AM

KaramelGoddess

Posts: 404
Joined: 6/20/2006
Status: offline

Just keep posting here on the forums...and with that pic...they'll come banging at the door...

with kind regard,
~Kara

_____________________________

"Never eat more than you can lift." ~ Miss Piggy

(in reply to DrPleasure)

Post #: 35

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 3/31/2007 8:02:42 AM

DrPleasure

Posts: 74
Joined: 9/18/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KaramelGoddess

Just keep posting here on the forums...and with that pic...they'll come banging at the door...

with kind regard,
~Kara

wow. thanks for the compliment. unfortunately, I didn't want to post a pic so i took it down. will put another one up tho.

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)

Post #: 36

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 3/31/2007 8:03:18 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

mmmmmmmm... probably not; I tend to think it's too frustrating.......for both of us.

As I said earlier:

And I’m with LA regarding the lack of joy I find in helping someone ‘come out’ or not. I’m not interested in ‘coming out’ to them, while they try to figure out if I’m a freak or not. I’d much rather be with a person who already knows…that they wanna be involved in BDSM, I mean!

yanno?
bear

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)

Post #: 37

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 3/31/2007 8:19:45 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DrPleasure

Interesting. I've only dated vanilla and even when I went to fetish parties and hooked up with dommes they actually turned out to be vanilla and not really interested in BDSM play. I think its because I'm always the aggressor in romantic relationships so I don't attract the good domme by coming on strong and trying to lead. What I really need to do is wait for the dommes to come to me... but i'm not that patient. :)

Still looking for that non-vanilla relationship.

Actually, most Dommes prefer a sub who can court us - just sitting back and "hoping" someone will come along doesn't work well for subs.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to DrPleasure)

Post #: 38

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 3/31/2007 9:23:59 AM

LadyIce

Posts: 406
Joined: 7/4/2006
Status: offline

I don't like aggressive submissive's, so normally once contact is made I don't want to be courted.
I want him to get to know me on my terms, follow my initial rules of contact and then proceed from there.
I don't see a submissive courting me at all.
Just my opinion.

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 39

RE: Ladies, Do you date vanilla? {Non lifestylers} and ... - 3/31/2007 12:47:31 PM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline

Well, she did say "most dommes" - which does allow for exceptions. I'm with Sonnet though, I prefer to be courted - I can be coy and flirtatious and make them beg for details or any number of other things where I do set the pace of the courtship, but knowing that he is interested enough to make the effort means a lot to me.

Oh, and a submissive doesn't have to be aggressive to court someone - it just means that he or she is active in the 'getting to know you' stage instead of being a passive observer.

_____________________________

Miss Karen and Miss Holly

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Friends are God's apology for relatives

(in reply to LadyIce)

Post #: 40

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