RE: Inappropriate Questions (Full Version)

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unownedredhead -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 3:19:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrashl
 
If someone wants to know your limits before they want to know your name...that would raise an eybrow.


Thank you ScooterTrash!   How many times have I tried to say that to a Dom who's attention I have attracted.  I like a little back and forth and some of the mundane inane chat to get a feel for someone.  I am always taken aback when someone jumps straight to some of my darkest secrets before really saying hello. 



MasterHyde -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 3:21:28 PM)

quote:

Obviously you don't work in a job where you are expected to be the moral compass of lots of young people and don't answer to an elected board of people who are themselves answerable to a larger community of people who are largely conservative and paranoid over who comes into contact with their minor family members.


You know, it's perfectly alright that you don't want to talk about some things when you're at a munch. But if you think that the questions he asked are generally inappropriate, then I have to disagree. I don't think you're paranoid, but I do think you're conservative. And the reason people are taking issue is that you started in your initial post to give people the impression that this guy at the munch was somehow "in the wrong" for not being as conservative as you are.



MysticFireTopaz -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/13/2007 3:25:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra:

"...if you were going to give someone suggestions on what NOT to ask someone you are just meeting for the first time at a munch, what would you suggest? (I'm not talking about planned meetings with someone you've been talking to here.)"

juliet


I would suggest they avoid overly specific questions that would enable them to track the person down.  When you are meeting someone for the first time at a munch, they don't know much about you, and for all they know, you could be a nutcase or a stalker.  I also thinking expressing too much of an interest in their children is not a good idea, and asking nosy questions is just plain rude.  Some examples of things I would suggest they not ask a person they just met a munch:
  • "What company do you work for?"  IMO, it's okay to ask what field the person is in, or what they do for a living, but not the specific company name.  I have had people ask me that at munches, and I politely tell them that is confidential information I don't care to share.
  • "What cross streets are you near?"  or "Are you near...?" (church, school, store, etc.)  Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with asking what city the person lives in (as long as it's a decent sized town), but I think asking the specific cross streets or location of someone you just met at a munch is going a bit too far.  I have overheard it being done, though.
  • "What are your children's names?" "Where do they go to school?"  I don't think there is anything wrong with asking if a person has children, or even their ages, but asking anything beyond that is going too far, IMO.  People are justifiably nervous about pedophiles, and quesitons like that set off red flags.
  • Overly nosy questions, such as "Do you have sex with your subs?," If I were your sub, what would you do to me,?"  "Do you get wet when you are topping a man?" etc. IMO, these are just plain rude coming from someone you just met at a munch.

Those are the major ones I can think of that I'd advise someone to steer clear of.
 
Lady Topaz



justinasamerk -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/14/2007 6:28:04 PM)

Here are Top 10 inappropriate questions to ask at a munch.....

1-How do you like the stew? I just took a shit in it *smiles*
2-I like to lick womens dirty feet...Do you have toe Jam?
3-What size Tampon do you use?
4-Can you masterbate under the table for me?
5-Will you please hold my invisible friends leash while i excuse myself to the bathroom for a moment?
6-How many men have you fucked?
7-Does your crotch smell like bad fish?
8-When you are finished eating will you please throw up in my mouth?
9-Would you please apply some prep-H to my asshole
10-And the Best Question of all-Will you please yell in my ass??

(thank you this top 10  has been a pleasure)



HatesParisHilton -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/14/2007 6:42:09 PM)

Great thread, JS, and apart from your own (which bug the shit outta me too) ~


mine:

So, How many women have you been with?

are you local?

That can't be your real name, what's your real one?

Any of the cars outside yours?

You look familiar, have you been at (fill in the blank for a club or venue, tells them my locality)

Where can I see some of your work? (lets them know too much RE career)

Are you friends with (specific person in my field, see above)

What sites/message boards are you on?




DominaSmartass -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/14/2007 9:14:10 PM)

Sorry to be a bit off topic here but I just find this interesting...

I just returned from Mid-Atlantic Leather, a mostly gay-male event, and once again it struck me profoundly how open these leathermen are with their lives compared to all the straight people I know. Very few that I have ever met in the leather community have a "scene name" and most will proudly tell you what they do for a living. Even if it is a first meeting. Of course, it's a little different because we don't meet through munches as much as through going to someone's house and meeting mutual friends, so I can see the difference. But it's still very striking how secretive the het community seems in comparison. For example, I went with the group "Leather Invasion" to invade the Smithsonian Museums (which unfortunately were all closed due to water problems and we had to settle for the Botanical Gardens) and I, along with everyone else in the group, had a camera/camcorder and took lots of pictures and video. Not one person asked me not to take their picture. They all posed happily. We even got tourists to take a picture of us all shooting the bird at the white house. None of us have been arrested or fired from our jobs yet. I guess we'll see in time...so while I don't give out tons of personal info to people I don't know, I work in a relatively public field where anyone can see my name on tv once or twice a week (in credits) so I don't really feel like people knowing my name is a threat. Working in entertainment there are so many gay people and kinky people (y'all have NO idea, hehe) that it doesn't warrant being overly protective of my identity in my mind. I certainly know my job is different from someone working in education but even so, I just see a huge contrast in the level of secrecy among the het community vs. the gay. Anyone know why this is?



julietsierra -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/14/2007 9:43:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

Of course, it's a little different because we don't meet through munches as much as through going to someone's house and meeting mutual friends, so I can see the difference. 

Working in entertainment there are so many gay people and kinky people (y'all have NO idea, hehe) that it doesn't warrant being overly protective of my identity in my mind. I certainly know my job is different from someone working in education but even so, I just see a huge contrast in the level of secrecy among the het community vs. the gay. Anyone know why this is?


To me, you've just answered your own question.

When I'm with my friends - all of whom happen to be involved in bdsm, I am not so concerned about my job, where I live or any of that stuff. They've been to my house, met my family members and are very aware of the importance those family members have in my life. When I meet people through them - because my friends are their friends - I tend to even use my given name. Conversations are different and when we're all out on the boat together, cameras etc are part and parcel of the day.

However, when the venue is one in which strangers are all coming together under the guise of one common interest, where some people are known by no one, and where I feel I need to be concerned about how much I "feed" to people I don't know, the scenario is MUCH different. And I act accordingly.

In the scenario I set out from Friday evening, I had no clue who the person was asking me those questions. Neither did any of the friends I was sitting with. Conservative or not, I am the sole supporter of three other people in my life and if "conservative" is to be confused with an awareness of what NOT protecting my information can do, there are more people in my personal life that bear the consequences, and go ahead and color me conservative. I don't have a problem with that. I keep THEM in mind no matter what I do or who I do it with. To that end, I am very much more "conservative" than those whose actions only affect themselves.

And if there are those whose actions can adversely affect THEIR family members and they opt to be more forthcoming with information that can put those people at risk in one form or another, then hey...that's their decision. I'm not here to tell other people that they're somehow ridiculous for not being cautious. The reality is, they could continue throughout their entire lives and never have one bad outcome from their choices. The problem is, if they DO have a bad outcome, will their places of employment just accept their "differences" and not bat an eye? Are their careers the kind where they can just move on to be hired someplace different? Mine would not. And since I haven't won the lotto, no one of substance in my family has passed away, and I don't have a sugar daddy, these things matter to me.

And in the words of one poster to this thread, "so sue me."

juliet



dcnovice -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/14/2007 9:44:59 PM)

quote:

Do you swallow?


[sm=biggrin.gif]



SmokingGun82 -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/14/2007 9:46:53 PM)

I find this whole thread amusing... mainly because I'm comfortable answering the questions with Mike, I'm in software, and near downtown... all of which are true and could apply to at least ten different companies/fifteen neighborhoods here in Madison.

I understand some people have to/feel they have to hide everything, but you can be vague without being rude.



akbarbarian -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/14/2007 9:52:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

Of course, it's a little different because we don't meet through munches as much as through going to someone's house and meeting mutual friends, so I can see the difference. 

Working in entertainment there are so many gay people and kinky people (y'all have NO idea, hehe) that it doesn't warrant being overly protective of my identity in my mind. I certainly know my job is different from someone working in education but even so, I just see a huge contrast in the level of secrecy among the het community vs. the gay. Anyone know why this is?


To me, you've just answered your own question.

When I'm with my friends - all of whom happen to be involved in bdsm, I am not so concerned about my job, where I live or any of that stuff. They've been to my house, met my family members and are very aware of the importance those family members have in my life. When I meet people through them - because my friends are their friends - I tend to even use my given name. Conversations are different and when we're all out on the boat together, cameras etc are part and parcel of the day.

However, when the venue is one in which strangers are all coming together under the guise of one common interest, where some people are known by no one, and where I feel I need to be concerned about how much I "feed" to people I don't know, the scenario is MUCH different. And I act accordingly.

That's only part of it.  It isn't just about having a private meeting place.  Gays are more out in the world than D/s people are.  It's a stronger movement, and it's pretty public by now.  D/s is where being out and gay would have been several decades ago.  Very risky.  However, the more of us that are out and will stand up for what makes us us, the sooner we'll have the level of public tolerance they enjoy.



julietsierra -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/14/2007 9:56:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SmokingGun82

I find this whole thread amusing... mainly because I'm comfortable answering the questions with Mike, I'm in software, and near downtown... all of which are true and could apply to at least ten different companies/fifteen neighborhoods here in Madison.

I understand some people have to/feel they have to hide everything, but you can be vague without being rude.



And that's great. You are right. You can be vague without being rude. I've learned over the years though to listen to that little voice inside of me - regardless of what other people might think.

But next time, I'll just take my Master's line and say "I really can't answer that. I don't know you well enough" and be done with it. Except, like Don Quixote fighting windmills, I'd just prefer not to be asked.

juliet




julietsierra -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/14/2007 10:00:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

Of course, it's a little different because we don't meet through munches as much as through going to someone's house and meeting mutual friends, so I can see the difference. 

Working in entertainment there are so many gay people and kinky people (y'all have NO idea, hehe) that it doesn't warrant being overly protective of my identity in my mind. I certainly know my job is different from someone working in education but even so, I just see a huge contrast in the level of secrecy among the het community vs. the gay. Anyone know why this is?


To me, you've just answered your own question.

When I'm with my friends - all of whom happen to be involved in bdsm, I am not so concerned about my job, where I live or any of that stuff. They've been to my house, met my family members and are very aware of the importance those family members have in my life. When I meet people through them - because my friends are their friends - I tend to even use my given name. Conversations are different and when we're all out on the boat together, cameras etc are part and parcel of the day.

However, when the venue is one in which strangers are all coming together under the guise of one common interest, where some people are known by no one, and where I feel I need to be concerned about how much I "feed" to people I don't know, the scenario is MUCH different. And I act accordingly.

That's only part of it.  It isn't just about having a private meeting place.  Gays are more out in the world than D/s people are.  It's a stronger movement, and it's pretty public by now.  D/s is where being out and gay would have been several decades ago.  Very risky.  However, the more of us that are out and will stand up for what makes us us, the sooner we'll have the level of public tolerance they enjoy.


But it won't happen in my lifetime and I have people I'm responsible for that ARE in my lifetime. We all make choices as to what's important to us...not one thing is as important as those people are. So, I'll take my chances and attend functions where I feel the most comfortable. It's all about finding as close to a balance as I can. It's not perfect, but it's what's right for me at this stage of my life.

juliet



HatesParisHilton -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/14/2007 10:06:49 PM)

It's illegal to fire/punish someone for being queer.

It's bloodsport to take someone out for being kinky.



afeathr -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/14/2007 10:24:22 PM)

In general, it seems that this forum went downhill pretty quickly, but to answer the OP...

I can understand how asking very pointed questions could cause some discomfort, however everyone has their own level of discomfort to deal with.  I think the only time I would be really uncomfortable was if someone asked *really* specific questions such as: "what's your address?" or "what school do you work at?" (I am a teacher).  I had someone ask me that, I told him then found out that he was sort of stalking me by driving by the school and trying to figure out what room I was in... since then, I am a little more uncomfortable with such questions.  I agree with others that questions that are too personal such as "do you swallow?" or "are you shaved?" would be more than I could take... unless there was some reason to go that route.

Truthfully, it's hard to know specifically what questions *would* be inappropriate since, for me, it depends on the person and my level of comfort.  What might have been totally appropriate for one person might totally hink me out with another.

The thing about your name is interesting... I have never had someone question my name as being my own.  Perhaps in the BDSM world, because of the common use of slave names and such, that's more of a concern... but I guess when I tell people my name they assume that noone would ever *choose* such a name to use (as a slave name) so I couldn't possibly be lying about it.  LOL



bignipples2share -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 12:16:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HatesParisHilton

It's illegal to fire/punish someone for being queer.

It's bloodsport to take someone out for being kinky.

The people in the military can now be openly gay?



DominaSmartass -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 12:37:20 AM)

Just to clarify, I was not trying to draw a comparison between the het bdsm community and the vanilla gay community. Those are 2 different things entirely. What I was comparing is the level of openess among straight crowds of bdsm-ers and the gay leathermen I hang around for the most part.

One more thing that just occurred to me is that even when attending an event like MAL, which probably had thousands of people, is that no one is really a stranger. Even if I met someone for the first time, I likely knew someone who knew him. This might be a generalization, but it appears to me a lot harder to be anonymous and unknown in the gay leather scene as opposed to the straight bdsm one and therefore maybe there are higher levels of comfort divulging personal info because most people are vouched for. This is all mere speculation anyway.

And Juliet, you seem to be getting defensive without reason here. I didn't feel like my post should have prompted a "so sue me" response.



julietsierra -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 7:09:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

And Juliet, you seem to be getting defensive without reason here. I didn't feel like my post should have prompted a "so sue me" response.


You're right of course DominaSmartass, and I apologize. The "so sue me" was the response someone else gave in this thread while saying something along the lines of "if you don't like it, don't go" which wasn't an answer to the original question.

For the life of me, I'm having a difficult time understanding just what's so confusing about one woman being as involved as she feels she can while still protecting, as best she can, the family she's responsible for. And accusations of paranoia, and sarcasm simply because one's circumstances and views are different have taken their toll.

Again, I apologize.

And before anyone else jumps into the fray with other accusations of overwrought defensiveness, I'll just say ahead of time that I'm well aware that posting in a general forum invites comments of all sorts and that if I don't like them, I can always choose not to post.

juliet



Rover -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 7:19:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: akbarbarian
However, the more of us that are out and will stand up for what makes us us, the sooner we'll have the level of public tolerance they enjoy.


I could not disagree more vehemently.  And at great risk of appearing self-promoting (I'm actually a bit pressed for time) my argument to the contrary appears in a recent article:
 
http://www.thedomsview.com/Vol7/I6/feature1.htm
 
John



Emperor1956 -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 7:30:34 AM)

Two thoughts:   If you need to go to a "person in charge" to deflect an uncomfortable question, maybe you aren't ready for grown-up activities.  Go back to the supervised kindergarten play group until you can handle this basic adult skill.

Also, what kind of "munches" do people go to where questions like "do you swallow?" or "what finger do you masturbate with?" are appropriate as conversation openers?  A munch is (I thought) a meeting of adults with similar adult interests, not a group of rude assholes.  Apparently I've been (happily) out of the D/s social scene too long.

E.



julietsierra -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 7:40:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

Two thoughts:   If you need to go to a "person in charge" to deflect an uncomfortable question, maybe you aren't ready for grown-up activities.  Go back to the supervised kindergarten play group until you can handle this basic adult skill.

Also, what kind of "munches" do people go to where questions like "do you swallow?" or "what finger do you masturbate with?" are appropriate as conversation openers?  A munch is (I thought) a meeting of adults with similar adult interests, not a group of rude assholes.  Apparently I've been (happily) out of the D/s social scene too long.

E.


lol... I don't go to whoever is in charge. Frankly, at some munches, no one IS in charge. The presumption is that the people attending are all adults. One of the munches I do attend does have leaders or moderators or whatever you wish to call them, and I still wouldn't go tattle. At the same time, there are times when introductory questions are much too personal, even when they don't discuss which finger I use to masturbate with Come to think of it, I don't answer those questions either.

juliet




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